Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Is there anyone out there that is married to someone of the opposite sex (and is hetro) that has a hard time with the partner making fun of them cause of them being who they are? I ask this cause me and my wife of 16yr have been going around for awhile about mainly the way I dress, and with how I act. What im getting at is I am not afraid to cross to the other side of the clothing isle if I see something that catch's my eye. Now mind you I don't wear pantie's or a bra no need for that. Anyway she say's I don't act manly enough for her! Witch I don't understand? After all I work full time as an EMT, I am in the air force res and work on Air Craft Hyd. systems. Im not afraid to get up under the hood of a car and do my thing there. At the same time I will also throw on a cuite pair of heel's or a skirt or both and go out and do my thing. I operate under the thinking I will dress and be who I am if people don't like me for who I am the know whee the door is! I mean hell I don't mind taking my wife shoping when is just me and her and no kid's to whine and nag. I just get so fustrated with her cause she always say's I don't care about her and that I never want to do anything with her! That's not the case at all, I just have a really hard time being intament with someone who just can't let me be me! Anyone else have this problem? (pardon my spelling)

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Mine is kind of the opposite. I told my wife about me being an androgyne, and at first she was cool with it.

I brought it up later on, and she got this look on her face, and asked me if I wanted to transition.

Of course, i said no.

But since that day there has been nothing said about it, and life goes on. Apparently my situation is A-OK as long as nothing changes between us, and it does not affect my wife.

And it is clear that she does not want to talk about it. She would be shocked to see me dressed, with makeup on. It's clearly something that I have to do in private.

It is a choice that we have to make, whether to suppress everything or be out, loud and proud, and who we are, and damm the torpedos  :-\

I haven't worked up the courage yet  :(

See for me that's my biggest issue with her is I will wear heel's and what not but not with her. I have worn heel's out with both of my kids and neaither of the mind one bit. It's just she I think is stuck on the fact that this is how a guy should be and it's not going to change, and any guy that goes in a diffrent direction is gay. Oh well!

Yep, I'm married to a heterosexual/nicksexual woman.

Well, what she is really saying is you don't act like a man, and she would be right as you are not a man. She is finding it hard to accept and probably has a lot of fears of her own, she is out of her depth on this and has a whole lot of social baggage to deal with. Have you talked about what she is afraid of? My wife was afraid that I would leave her, or that I would look like a 'drag queen'.

Sounds to me that perhaps you are not communicating well around this. I think just putting on what you like when she is clearly uncomfortable is not the right way to go about things. Ideally I think you need to talk to her about what you need and say that you require space to do it. At the same time I think she should be allowed to have her own boundaries. Compromise and small steps, listen, bring her along, intimacy will come out of it. 

At the moment you have this big wall between you and nobody is compromising. It is totally frustrating when you want to express yourself with the person you love and them being totally turned off by it.

For myself it started out fairly similar with me and my wife. I ended up getting a good counsellor and we came up with ways for me to work with my wife on this. Now days I have barely any male clothing and everyone is happy. The boundaries just keeped stretching. I would really recommend finding a great counsellor and see if your wife would be willing to come along.

Trust me I have a really good counslar. She has help me greatly. I have tried a few time's to get my wife to go and talk but she just don't want to. She does not like them at all. Oh well I will keep trying and hope for the best!

If she does not budge do you think you would leave her? I've considered that possibility and it breaks my heart to think about it, but it is realistic.

For me and my partner we are afraid that when I get hormone therapy I will reach a point where she no longer finds me attractive. We don't know where the line is. I take small comfort that if that happens it is nobodys fault, very sad if it happens though. I love her more than anything.

Best of luck!

See for me as far as trying to modify the way I look by taking hormone's is something I have never even thought about. So that's not an issue. Im not sure if I would leave her I doubt it but who know's. I f I did though it wouldn't be for that reason.

I am married also. My wife knows nothing about it though because she would flip out. She wants the fairy tale/ movie set family and marriage. Nothing is wrong with that. There is already a strain though because I am into body modfication. (Piercing, tattoos, implants, suspension, etc) She already finds me unattracive in some respect.

Nicky has a point on being realistic. My relationship is high maintenance due to our lifestyles, much less if I told her about any of this. So tread softly and think things over. Good luck on this.

That sounds almost like my wife. She is the type that think's this is how thing's should be and want's the fairy tail life. Like I tell her I am far from the fairy tail husband and she is far from the fairy tail wife.

I'm female and not married (to any sex). That said, is it OK if I say something?

Quote from: thescrappycoco on October 23, 2009, 07:23:09 AM
That sounds almost like my wife. She is the type that think's this is how thing's should be and want's the fairy tail life. Like I tell her I am far from the fairy tail husband and she is far from the fairy tail wife.

Good  ;D  Firstly, I really sympathise. It doesn't matter what the specs are in terms of sex/gender/sexuality, feeling like you can't be yourself in a relationship is horrible. Most people want to be able to completely be themselves in a committed relationship and feel completely accepted as themselves by their partner. Having a fairytale fantasy of what a marriage 'should be' after 16 yrs sounds strange.... it seems your wife is in denial and is unwilling to communicate with you. Maybe she's shutting you out as a form of punishment because she's angry. And anger usually covers up fear. Having known a lot of women in my time I would say that you have to find a non-aggressive way to get past her defenses and find out what it is she is afraid of. It may be she's afraid you'll leave her or it may be she's afraid of what others will think/say if they found out you like to dress non-traditionally... or maybe it's something else completely! The only way you can find out is to be sympathetic towards her - put all your fears and issues to the side and let her know you are completely open to hearing her concerns and fears in a non judgemental way. But you have to mean it, so if she does say "I'm scared of what people will think" you have to NOT say "don't be stupid! who cares what they think??", you must take her concerns seriously. In other words, don't be defensive - be open and compassionate. If you can take on this attitude sincerely then she's more likely to open up to you and talk. That's the only way you'll sort things out, by communicating honestly with each other and addressing her concerns patiently.
Hope that's helpfull!

I'll be honest that is her biggest fear is someone makeing fun of me or my kids cause I act different compaired to the quote unquote "normal" male. She is so afraid that someone will make fun of me and then she feels she will have to go and confront them. For some strange reason she thinks that she has to fight my battles for me. to witch i have told her to let me handle my problems my way. i think her biggest issues with me and clothing choice comes down to this. when we first started dating she used to dress more fem. now she wont wear a skirt or a dress, heels is a big no. 98 % of the time she wears pants and sneakers. her argument when it comes to me is that she is wearing clothing made for her unlike me. i have told her before if they made skirts for men i would by those and wear those only but they dont. so i have to make due for now.

Quote from: thescrappycoco on October 26, 2009, 05:25:59 AM
She is so afraid that someone will make fun of me and then she feels she will have to go and confront them. For some strange reason she thinks that she has to fight my battles for me.

Lucky you! Having someone who loves you so much she's willing to stand up for you! Do you recognise that? Have you thanked her for her concern?
OK, so you'd rather she handled it differently... but until you can see where she is coming from and appreciate that she cares about you, she won't change. I wish I had a partner who was willing to confront someone for making fun of me. First I'd thank them and then I'd open a discussion on what alternatives there are to aggressive confrontation. What other ways are there to handle the situation? Personally I'd probably go for humour - using friendly humour usually disarms people - it shows them you're not easily riled and you're confident enough to have a laugh at yourself. If my partner also took the same tack it would stop people in their tracks. It would also show others that we are a solid united force that can stand our own ground. I think that's the key - that the 2 of you present a united front. If people sense tension between you they can exploit that and pit you against eachother. Instead of her fighting your battles or you fighting your own battles, why not be a team and fight all your battles together? Isn't that part of what it means to be a couple?

Quote from: gqueering on November 08, 2009, 12:48:25 AM
Lucky you! Having someone who loves you so much she's willing to stand up for you! Do you recognise that? Have you thanked her for her concern?
OK, so you'd rather she handled it differently... but until you can see where she is coming from and appreciate that she cares about you, she won't change. I wish I had a partner who was willing to confront someone for making fun of me. First I'd thank them and then I'd open a discussion on what alternatives there are to aggressive confrontation. What other ways are there to handle the situation? Personally I'd probably go for humour - using friendly humour usually disarms people - it shows them you're not easily riled and you're confident enough to have a laugh at yourself. If my partner also took the same tack it would stop people in their tracks. It would also show others that we are a solid united force that can stand our own ground. I think that's the key - that the 2 of you present a united front. If people sense tension between you they can exploit that and pit you against eachother. Instead of her fighting your battles or you fighting your own battles, why not be a team and fight all your battles together? Isn't that part of what it means to be a couple?

I agree that open and honest communication is the key. I'm working on the approach that I am going to take with my wife. This whole deal has ballooned up to the point that she needs to know. It is a part of me, and is a part of who I am, whether she likes it or not. And hopefully she will be "ok" with it.

Yes I know what she's doing and I appreciate the fact that she would stand up for me. For me though I would rather let me deal with my issuse's my way. The one thing that she does is get to agressive and that make's the problem work. When I deal with issuse's like this I deal with them with a little more tackt. I work full time as an EMT so the person I work with I spen 1/3 of my life with. He know's I wear a skirt. Why does he know? Cause I told him! We just joke about it every now and then, but that is about as far as it goes! For the most part me and my wife have a good relation ship. She has just got it in her head that this is how a man is suppose to be and if you are any diffrent then there is no way you can be a man! In her eye's.