Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This thread was inspired by something Kate said in this very same forum--and by a recent experience I had with an acquaintance who was outed in public by a pretty tactless individual.

Let's say that someone asks if you're trans, and you don't want to admit to it. Do you have a ready comeback to use, or one that you have used?

I was thinking that if someone asked me, I would pretend to misunderstand--act like they had asked me if I were an MTF. Tell them that I've never wanted to live as a woman (it is so true) and then just leave it at that.

I'm not sure what I would say if the person pressed the point or if he or she became more specific about my being an FTM. But my response has the virtue of not outing me inadvertently if someone wonders whether I am an MTF but doesn't use that actual term.

What do YOU say in such a situation?

(I appreciate that some of you might not care one way or the other, but I care very much that I not be outed in certain circles.)

That's a good question. No-one has asked me thus far. It is something to be prepared for though.

I would prob. say that I'm a woman and figure the guys should just say that they're guys

If your safety is not at stake, any opportunity to education should be taken in my opinion.  I have found that most will only take it at face ( pun intended ) value.


Janet

As someone who took many baby steps, at least in the begining, I can relate to the sheer terror of stepping out of your front door in the manner in which you like. But in that same sense, I have no intrest in deep stealth, pre or post srs. I'm not gonne bring it up on my own, but if someone asks, I'll tell them as much as they dare to handle. As soon as you try to go fulltime & are adement about keeping everyone at bay, you only increase their curiousity. The more you deny, the harder they look & the more they talk behind your back.

if i was asked i would say i was. i wont deny what is my core being even if personal saftey is at risk in short i might run right after i do it but not w/o a few choice words hurled at them. But in regular company i would admit it sure even if it would be a rude question to ask.
jessica

Jessica is right, it is a HORRIBLY rude question to ask in most circumstances. It hasn't happened to me but if it did they would either get an incredulous glance followed by laughter or a slap across the face.

It really depends on who is asking.  If it was a dangerous situation, i would just be trying to get myself out of there as quickly as possible.

Its only come up a few time for me; mostly by people i'm comfortable with being honest with otherwise the simply answer i use is "why would you ask me that?" mostly as i'm interested in there answer.

I have never been asked that question. However when I tell someone I'm a crossdresser the first question is "Are you gay?" Then they must be informed that gender preference and sexual preference are two entirely different things.

I've never been confronted anywhere, but if it was a stranger I wouldn't say anything, probably just tell them how rude that is and walk away. I can't imagine it would happen though I'm sure it has. If a good friend brought it up Idk, I mght say what Heatherrose suggested, but I'm pretty sure my friends that don't know are polite enough to never ask, even if they suspected.

I can't imagine a person saying are you trans?   Most rude people that have the gall to raise the matter are more likely to say - are you a guy or a girl? as the case may be.

It's not happened to me, but if it did I would give very little credence to the question and probably ignore them or say what the hell are you talking about?

At the risk of sounding cynical, I think most people will pass you by and just ask someone else behind your back.  I know that was the case with a trans girl I used to work with.  I was one of the managers at the store, and several people asked me if she "used to be a he".  My reply was always, "I don't know, and it really wouldn't be my place to say, even if I did."  Now, she was not trying to be 100% stealth, so when she started talking about/recommending people read She's Not There by Jennifer Finley Boyle, people pretty much went, "Ah, O.K.  Curiosity satisfied."  And that was that.  It ceased to be an issue.

I think, though, if I were asked at some point after becoming completely passable, and I didn't want people to know, I'd just look at them as if they were crazy and say, "Why would you think that?!" And then do the "Wow, what a weirdo!" headshake and walk away.

you could always reply "gee I was wondering the same thing about you" lol

It has never happened to me even when I was sitting at a table with three little children.  Normally, they are curious and will ask or say something.  Honestly, I have not prepared myself for that type of question and thanks to this thread, I will begin to do so.  My first instinct is to display an irritated frown and just shake my head in a dismissive manner, not saying anything.

One comment in this thread has been on my mind about passing.  What if we only think we pass but people are only being nice or they snicker/comment when out of earshot?  I haven't seen evidence of that either but it certainly seems plausible if not expected.  Then again, how would I ever know?  If it doesn't affect me directly, why should I care?

Maggie

Quote from: Dianna on October 19, 2009, 08:15:02 AM
.... are you a guy or a girl? .... It's not happened to me, but if it did I would give very little credence to the question and probably ignore them or say what the hell are you talking about?

A number of years ago while wearing coveralls and my hair up under a ball cap and working on a piece of farm machinery with a couple of men, a group of teenage boys walked by and I heard one of them ask his friends "Is that a girl or a guy?" I suck my head out and said "Whichever you are looking for sugar, I am the other!" - it got laughs from his friends and snickers from the guys I was working with.  ;D

Quote from: wabbit2 on October 19, 2009, 04:39:43 AM
Its only come up a few time for me; mostly by people i'm comfortable with being honest with otherwise the simply answer i use is "why would you ask me that?" mostly as i'm interested in there answer.

When I get to a point of passing pretty consistently, this is my plan.  Until then, I've heard the "is that a guy or girl" comment a lot of times now.  It sucks, but I do look as androgynous as possible when I'm in boy mode so I guess that's bound to raise questions.  The question has never been directed at me, usually it is just someone rudely thinking out loud, or asking someone else.  The even less tactful people point, too. :-\
I usually ignore it and keep doing what I'm doing but I do become very aware of my surroundings.  To be honest the last thing I would want is to confront someone on it because for all I know they're just looking for confirmation to hurt me.  I'm sure there are plenty of comments I don't hear, and other comments that I read too much into.

If I was confronted in a very despectful way, I would put on my best wild eyes,  crazy smile, & ask in a very sultry voice ask "how bad do you wanna know?"

Well, I would just say yes.

But if you are worried about others overhearing and not wanting to be outed, I think something like "what's that?" would work and if they reply to that say "why would you even ask someone that? , way to go making me feel good, good one  ::)"

I really don't think there is call to be hostile about it, there is enough hostility in the world. Most people ask stuff like this out of ignorance.

The guy who was bothering my friend simply would NOT go away, nor would he take "I'm a guy" for an answer. He was a little mentally out of it but had an acquaintance who is FTM. Kept calling the acquaintance "she." Uh-huh.

For me, the worst thing was that my friends and I were sharing an auditorium with a bunch of other men, and one or two tables had gay men that I go to meetings with but am not out to. I must admit that I was thinking that the guy was going to start in on me next, but he didn't. Fortunately, there was quite a bit of noise cover--music, plus conversations between lots of guys at all the tables. And our table was over in the corner.

But it did get me to thinking. I love going to the gay men's group; what WOULD I say if one of them asked? And what would I say if one of my students asked about me? I have professor ratings on Rate My Professor that I haven't been able to get rid of yet; if my students ever look me up, they'll get four or five comments that use female pronouns, four or five that use male pronouns, and a couple that strategically use no pronouns. And people at school do slip up occasionally (the janitor did it just last week and told my student that "she"--meaning me--was just around the corner in office XXXX. Fortunately, it's obvious that the janitor's first language is not English, so I think my student saw it as an ESL mistake).

But it did get me to thinking. I don't want to be the ->-bleeped-<- Professor to my students. It's none of their damned business. And I especially don't want to be outed in my men's group. I've finally found a home of sorts in that group--something I've wanted all my life--and I sure as heck don't need them thinking that some female has invaded their all-male space. I'm so much like them that many of my life experiences parallel theirs--to such an extent that I can be completely honest (if selective) about my GAY childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. I just don't want to lose that connection or damage it in any way. So I thought I should have a few responses ready, just in case.

For the record, I have had complete strangers exchange very loud is-that-a-boy-or-a-girl comments among themselves about me, I've had them call me "it" and say things like "What is THAT?" at me, and I've had a few people actually ask me to my face, rudely, if I am a boy or a girl. But, oddly enough, all of that was years ago, pre-transition. None of it in the past year. Maybe people are generally more accepting of gender ambiguity in the twenty-first century. Maybe.

I learned long ago that if someone insults me to just sweetly say "thank you" as if it was a compliment.  It usually flummoxes them and they move on to something else. :)

With that in mind, I am not going to deny being trans but may resist opening up to someone who is being an idiot.  I always figured I'd just ask them why they think so (for my own education), and see how it goes from there.  I might explain that I am a woman but have had a bad hormone imbalance that is finally under control (and thank you for noticing, you jerk).

Under a situation like Arch's, if I had my wits about me I would just tell the jerk I am fortunate enough to be trans so that I could be both male and female instead of just male and stupid.

It depends on the situation.  I don't hide and have not found any reason to yet.  I think if you can stay in control of the situation and deflect the accuser, you will fare better.  But then, I haven't been confronted with the situation yet. ::)

- Kate

K8 that's excellent! I have some hearing loss so if I ask someone to repeat themsevles & still don't understand I just smile & say ty, lol. There are a few situations where that totally ends up being the wrong thing to say(&those are some doosies!), but that's also the most harmless & deescalating responses I know of, bravo!

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 19, 2009, 09:19:12 PM
K8 that's excellent! I have some hearing loss so if I ask someone to repeat themsevles & still don't understand I just smile & say ty, lol. There are a few situations where that totally ends up being the wrong thing to say(&those are some doosies!), but that's also the most harmless & deescalating responses I know of, bravo!

lol - "What?  No, sorry, I don't know the train schedule" ???

If someone had the nerve to ask me that.  Well of course it depends on the situation... I dunno what situation it might come up in... but if I can tell it was meant to be a harmless question out of curiosity I would be nice about it.  Since I highly doubt it would ever be meant as a harmless question, then I would reply in the sweetest voice possibly "I'm human, which is more than I can say for you." and leave it at that.

Actually I would be honored if someone asked me that question because as least it would imply that I'm not just some weirdo cross-dresser who can't get laid and is waiting to pounce on someone's kid because they think all TG are really pedophiles.

Quote from: Princess Phoebe on October 19, 2009, 10:13:02 PM
Actually I would be honored if someone asked me that question because as least it would imply that I'm not just some weirdo cross-dresser who can't get laid and is waiting to pounce on someone's kid because they think all TG are really pedophiles.

If only I could call you paranoid & believe it...happy thoughts. That's my biggest fear walking into a restroom, not being arrested, but scarring someone & their kids. Talk about feeling like a monster, that is just the worst.

I don't have a definite timescale for coming out yet.  I know at some point I will have to come out as my transition will be at a point where the changes will be obvious.   I plan to come out to my family some time in the first part of next year.   Basicaly, I want Christmas to be out of the way first. 

Work will follow some time later.

However, I have thought long and hard as to my response if someone was to ask and my conclusion was to tell them of my transgender status.   The truth cannot hurt me.  In fact, coming out this way has some attraction as it takes some of the stress of exposing myself to friends and family.  I think my mother already suspects and I would not be suprised if she brings up my transition before I get the chance to.

I'd like to think I'd have the presence of mind to say something like "And you are.....................................?" then turn and walk away.


Dawn

That would be very impolite to ask in the first place.  Nobody's asked me anything like that ever, but if they did, I'd tell them that it isn't none of their [add profanity here] business.

Quote from: Bellaon7 on October 19, 2009, 11:04:55 PM
If only I could call you paranoid & believe it...happy thoughts. That's my biggest fear walking into a restroom, not being arrested, but scarring someone & their kids. Talk about feeling like a monster, that is just the worst.

I know...and I'm sorry. My sense of faith and optimism is just gone now. I'm worse than paranoid, I've become misanthropic. I see hate and malice everywhere. I'm either going to get on top of it or give it all up.

I'm grateful for your perspective :)

I remember when I used to do bar work when i was transitioning... big mistake.

This place i used to work in... i was never very macho or male apearing, and when I decided to transtion, and wore more neutral clothes, I reached a state of androgyne where workmates had all decided I was gay, and a general company joke, was 'wonder how many people think 'he's' a 'she' again tonight? Customers regularly refered to me as she, and her, and my friends used to think it hilarious. One or two even propogated it at times for a laugh.

A regular thing with customers, was drunk people, usually girls would come up and ask me 'are you a boy or a girl?"

my reply was usuallly *smile* 'Yes' and walk off... laughing at thier confusion. It almost made the whole mess worth while....

It got better as I went on hrt and became more female looking overal.... I bound my growing breasts to delay having to come out... it didnt really help... Too thin for a boy, and quite delecate looking.... the girl comments got worse, and my workmates started to treat me as a token girl... using a feminine shortening of my name. I did get a few 'are you a guy?' comments during that phase, but often i tryed playing with responses...

'Are you a guy?'

'No' with a look of confusion was a bit flat in response,

'What?" + look hurt  got appologies.

"Only on the weekends' got a confused look.

my favourite was this; 'are you a guy?' - Yes, but I'm really a girl' - that generally got a confused look, then a laugh, and a 'sorry miss' or other such phrases suggesting they didn't belive me. Oddly honesty can be taken the rigth way at times...

Dee, first of all I don't think you're ugly at all and besides there actually are people who see beauty as something more than just looks. Don't let one @$$#01e have that power over you. His opinion means nothing. Now if you wanted to take that gun after him, I would totally understand! :laugh: But not yourself. In the big scheme of things that guy is an insignificant nothing. You could have also just replied, "well obviously you're NOT."

*big hugs*

Dee,

As FairyGirl says, you are not ugly! Far from it. And, yes this guy is insignificant scum. Don't let him win or others like him. You're a good woman and you will be just fine. You have to believe that in your heart.

I had a similar episode happen to me last weekend. It involved a very close friend of mine and I won't bore anyone with the details. What I took away from it after I put my emotional self back together was that I am worth living my life for. So are you!

People will be rude, they will be mean in spirit and intent. We just have to develop a tougher layer to keep from absorbing their vitriol.


Dawn

Dee you aren't ugly at all and you aren't manly don't let this incident break you. We all get read once in awhile, who knows what it was that made him question your gender but it doesn't matter, 99% of the time no one questions so don't let the 1% break you. It sucks, it hurts like hell but it'll pass and so do you!

~Wendy

Dee,
Gosh, what an ordeal. I am so sorry that you had to endure that man's ignorance.  I often wonder how solid my passing is and I do worry that if I encountered something like you did, that I might lose it.  I steel myself in the knowledge that most people seem not to care and I am able to get along in life.  I hope that you will recover from this event quickly.  We are more than what people like this guy think.

Maggie

I got asked for the first time about a week ago, when I went to a GLBT meeting where I introduced myself as Hans Miniar.
I simply said "yes".
And then tackled the questions that followed with honesty and a smile.

It wasn't as big a deal in reality as I'd built it up to be in my head.

Quote from: FairyGirl on October 19, 2009, 09:40:36 AM
you could always reply "gee I was wondering the same thing about you" lol

:laugh:

good answer !

Dee,

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Post Merge: October 22, 2009, 04:25:36 PM

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Dee, I am so sorry you endured this.  How awful for you.  Looking at the picture, blurry or not, I see no reason why the a**h*** asked you that.  That he would repeat the question just shows what a complete idiot he is.

Quote from: heatherrose on October 22, 2009, 04:54:30 PM

Why did you transition? Did you do it because you wanted to fool the
whole world into believing that you were born a female? If you did, you
set yourself up for a fall.

True words.  Still, this kind of thing can hurt real bad.  I hope you get your confidence back soon.  You've come a long way, baby.  Other than firebombing his house, don't go there again.

You are a woman, despite your difficult past and the difficult road you are walking. 

Lots of hugs, dear. :icon_bunch:

- Kate

Quote from: heatherrose on October 22, 2009, 04:54:30 PM
Dee,

Why did you transition? Did you do it because you wanted to fool the
whole world into believing that you were born a female? If you did, you
set yourself up for a fall. It has been said and it is so true, "You can fool
all of the people, some of the time and some of the people, all of the time
but you can not fool all of the people, all of the time". ->-bleeped-<- happens, people
are ignorant.

Actually people aren't ignorant so much as they have been educated by "trans" people and are now "trans aware", which makes it much more difficult to be able to be perceived as the sex that transition is supposed to better allow you to be.

Some of us believe that we have always been female, it is the reason we transition and have sex reassignment surgery, breast augmentation, facial feminization surgery...  For some of us being able to be perceived as female is the only acceptable outcome of transition.

Generally in life successful people are the ones who learn from their mistakes instead of allowing them to drag them down.  Voice is crucial to "passing"...  These types of experiences can feel absolutely devastating but don't let them get you down.  Learn from them when you can.

Dee,

I've thought about this a little more.  Aside from the huge insult, this was a VERY scary situation.  What if he didn't accept your answer?  What if he didn't let you leave?  We should all learn something from your experience.

Women in this culture are much more vulnerable than men.  Trans-women are even more vulnerable.  You've had a bad scare, irrespective of you being trans.  No wonder you were badly shaken.  Any sensible person would be.

Please be careful.  Follow your instincts.  Take good care of yourself always.

*hugs*
Kate

Dee,

A) I absolutely hate that avatar.  You are one of the girls I am jealous of because you are pretty.  You are hurt, but most rednecks like him as pure ignorant.  It is because of the years of inbreeding.

B) You are a great lady and have every right to be you.  Are you going to let one Richard Cranium rule such a beautiful person?  You have very reason to be proud of yourself.

C) Tear down those curtains, and burn them.  If you ever see that thing again, walk up to him and slap him in the face and tell him he has now been "B***h Slapped".  Turn your back on him and leave.

Many, many hugs My Sister.


Janet

Dee's story reminds me (in a roundabout way) of a couple incidents I have experienced:

I went out about a month ago, and met a friend (C) of a friend (M) -- a cute girl with short hair and a fairly butch fashion sensibility. I got to talking to someone I'd met a few times before, and she noticed this other girl talking to our mutual friend. She asked me, "who's he?" I asked what she meant, and she said, "That guy talking to M?" I just said, "She's C. She's an old friend of M, but I only met her tonight." That solved that nasty little conundrum. (And, yes, I thought it was just a bit ironic that she got the right pronoun for me, and the wrong one for C.)

More awkward was the time I saw a picture of a friend of mine and his fiancee on his computer screen, and I asked "who's that guy?" -- meaning the fiancee. He said, "that's me." Well, I had gathered that, but I sensed something was wrong, so I just said, "oh." Then he said, "and that's my fiancee." (Whom I hadn't met -- they had been in a long-distance relationship and I never had a chance to see her when she was in town.) That could have been reeeeeeaaaallly awkward. She's actually pretty cute -- it was just something about the expression on her face that, well, made her look like a guy.

The point is, it's EXTREMELY insulting, regardless the circumstance, to mistake a woman for a man. But it happens from time to time, even to some attractive women. I don't ever expect to pass 100% -- but I would like to think that I could reach a point where someone reading me as a man would mean about the same as it would to C or my friends fiancee (now his wife).

I think that's what reminded me about these stories -- Dee's response was pretty much exactly what C's response might have been (if I hadn't been super-suave ::) and defused the situation). Except it almost certainly wouldn't have been nearly as hurtful to C.

Dee -- I know what you mean about bluriness -- I hate every picture of me that is detailed and in focus. So do most women, which is why Photoshop exists. Take this eggregious example: http://www.uberpix.net/wp-content/main/2009_08/thanks-to-photoshop.jpg (http://www.uberpix.net/wp-content/main/2009_08/thanks-to-photoshop.jpg) (and, yes, I'd be thrilled to look like the "before" picture). But you do look pretty darn good in that iphone picture. I like what you did to your hair -- I think that makes a big difference. :) In your (messed up) avatar, it doesn't have the volume and life. Please don't shave it off! It seems like you're getting better and better with your presentation. Don't give up -- just GTFO of TX!!!!  >:-)

How I respond: well, for now, I think I look fairly lousy (whatever my friends telling me I'm "beautiful" say), and I don't expect to successfully be read as a woman 100% of the time; I just expect to be respected as a human being. So it doesn't really bother me that much if I'm read. I'm well accustomed to failure, and to me it only means I need to work at it more. I get infinitely more "ma'am's" now than I did presenting as a guy, so I take that to be progress. I don't know a thing in life that's worth doing that you can expect not to fail at many times before you succeed. But, yes, it sure hurts like hell when I fail.

I think I'm lucky.  No one has ever asked but I don't know if they've thought of it.

If I was asked that, I'd say "I can be anything I want to be" :)

Dee you are not ugly yohave beautiful red hair the curls accent your face. this guy read you so what it happens and you handled it as good as can be expected given the ciumstances (ithe middl of no where) Use this as a learning experience and dont put yourself in that circumstance again. that dosnt mean to hide in your house hun there are good people out there go to clubs meet people you will find someone who loves you for you i believe this with all my heart. the orld is full of diversity and there are people out there who dont care if your trans or not i have met them on line and in real life. Find them live your life
hugs
jessica

Dee , big hugs to you, that guy needs a kick up the a**e.   :icon_bunch:

i am 42 hun please think about what you are allowing this person to do to you. again you are not ugly i cant stress this enough. you have a good heart dont let this experience blacken it to the point it saps your will to live. please check into a hospital before you harm yourself there are people here who care about you. I also dont believe you have one life i believe we all have lessons to learn and will keep reincarnating until we learn them. This is not the place for a philisophical discussion though i am concerned for your health. Dee do you have family support close friends call them use the resources you have. i have only allowed my own trans issues out recently untill a year ago no-one would have been the wiser to it ...i supressed so well. there is someone out their for you please dont rightoff your right to be loved.
jessica

I am not sure I've ever been asked if I was trans.  If someone asked me, I would tell them that I am, just because, whatever.  The question I hear usually is "are you a guy or a girl?" which is an easy one to answer.  So I usually answer it and then look befuddled at them.  Because honestly, I don't know any guys who look like me or would be wanting to look like me.  Or are named Sarah(the only times this has come up is at work, where I have a uniform with a name tag on it). 

I always just find it strange.  Sometimes people will refer to me as "he" to someone they are with too, and I mostly just brush it off and think it's funny when it's happening.   It's mostly because I'm tall (5-11) and have a low voice.  But honestly if they want to pretend that I'm a boy, then that's fine.  They're strangers, and whatever gets them by is fine with me.

It's weird because when I wasn't out, I would still get the same question, with people referring to me as she.  So who really knows.  I've passed caring about it, beyond personal safety issues.

Dee,

first, it is a very rude question to ask. 2nd, around here they don't ask if you are trans, it's didn't you used to be a man---kinda questions. i have never been asked if i was trans, just accused of not being a girl, being only a crossdresser, and blatantly asked if i was male. being honest has cost me not one, but TWO places to live because the state of ohio does not protect transwomen when it comes to housing like the Samaritan House. at the one place. she was like, are you male? and i told her i was a transsexual woman, and since my license still has an m on it--which i will hopefully get changed very very soon--yay!!---her response was my sister is a lesbian!! big deal!!! how the hell does that help me have a place to live?? then she kinda suggested i goto a mens' mission of all places!!! the nerve!!

the other place, i stayed at for about a month and they didn't know until before the day they literally gave me three days and threw me out on my ass-in the pouring down rain no less--because half the town knew i was ts and someone decided to snitch. the second place said they would call to check on my progress as ssince it was part of their program---it's been almost a month and i aint heard from them since--and highly doubt i will be. both places tried to help me find another place i could go, but couldn't pull anything other than--have you thought about staying at a men's shelter???---yeah only if i want a severely early funeral!!!!

in essence being honest can cost you a lot when you have no job, no car, and no home. >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(

Dee, it sucks that that guy was an arse.  Unfortunately there are a lot of arses in this world!  You are a beautiful woman with a kind heart and look no more masculine than my sister and a few other woman friends.

I think you handled it well under the circumstances.  Hang in there.  We're here for you.


Jay

Quote from: The Only Warrior Princess Mekayla on October 23, 2009, 08:09:31 AM
first, it is a very rude question to ask. 2nd, around here they don't ask if you are trans, it's didn't you used to be a man---kinda questions.

Yeah, I'm really expecting (if anything) a question more like "Aren't you a woman?" But that would have dorked up my subject line and only applied to FTM types!

It really is a rude thing to ask, but my students, for one example, are still young and might not have learned not to ask such questions. But then, I've seen rude questions from people of all ages.

I once had to miss a day of work for what I told my boss was "minor surgery." She started telling everyone I was having a tooth pulled or something, which I thought was idiotic because I never said anything about a dentist. Anyway, I came back to work and was asked by a coworker how my dental appointment had gone. I gave her a blank look, so she explained what the story was. I told her it wasn't a dental appointment and left it at that, but she wasn't satisfied and started saying, "Well, what kind of appointment WAS it?" I wasn't so good at saying "MYOB" when I was twenty-one, so I just said that I had had a growth removed, which was true enough--in fact, I had had an abortion. Then she had the flaming gall to ask me where the growth had been!!! I was flabbergasted. Of course I wasn't going to get specific, but where does she get off asking me that???

When it comes to trans issues, a lot of people seem to think that they have a RIGHT to know exactly what was done. But I'll bet that many of those same people are nosy about everything.

Well, Dee, if you're 49 and only have 20 years to go, and I'm 66 that must mean...  I certainly hope not.  After too many years of misery, life is finally starting to get good.  (Of course, if I lived in SE Texass, the math might work.)

When I started this I was still very tentative.  My doctor encouraged me and said I had the right to be happy.  We all do, Dee.  But it really isn't about being happy – it's about being whole.  You have the right to be whole, Dee, despite what the rednecks, Nazis, white-supremacists, bible-thumpers, and assorted narrow-minded bigots think.  (Gawd, you live in a tough place.  Regardless, there are good people everywhere – some places just have a smaller percentage than others.)

We have to play the hand we're dealt.  I'll never be knock-out gorgeous.  Neither will you, Dee.  Not many women are.  I always figure if people aren't gagging when the look at me, I'm doing OK.  And as you get older, it works in your favor because people don't expect you to look like Hannah Montana when you're in your 50s and 60s.

Talk to someone, Dee.  Find a friend or counselor who you can talk to.  Living in your head can be scary.  (Ask me how I know this. ::))

I look forward to seeing your old avatar.  (At least the new one shows you still have your sense of humor, kiddo. ;))

- Kate

Dee,
I am willing to bet that you didn't choose to transition because of all the benefits and perks it offers, right?  Most of us transition because we have come to the end of the misplaced gender road in our lives.  Nobody says it is easy or safe or even a guarantee of success.  Just like before, there is always some who are better looking or smarter or whatever. You have been able to make great strides, don't throw them away because you feel that you failed.

You got knocked down by this guy's comments. We are standing around you holding our hands out to help you up.  Please get up. We all get the stuffing kicked out of us in this maddening world that will never understand, but we do.  Come on, sister,  don't let this creep win.  There will come a day when someone will need your help. Maybe me.  Stand with us.  We are all we have. We need you.

Maggie

It happens every so often my initial response is always:

"Why on earth would you ask a question like that?"

The reason I do that is to throw it back at them so that they have to think about why they want to know, and it gives me a little time to think of answers.

-={LR}=-

Quote from: axlred66 on October 22, 2009, 11:22:28 PM
If I was asked that, I'd say "I can be anything I want to be" :)

Heh. I like that.

Quote from: K8 on October 23, 2009, 09:06:14 AM
Well, Dee, if you're 49 and only have 20 years to go, and I'm 66 that must mean...  I certainly hope not.  After too many years of misery, life is finally starting to get good.  (Of course, if I lived in SE Texass, the math might work.)

[geek]Assuming (as a gross approximation) that lifespan is an exponential random variable (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exponential_distribution), that means you have ... let's see ... about 20 years. ;) [/geek]

Quote from: Arch on October 23, 2009, 12:48:32 PM
Heh. I like that.

Thanks! :)

I had a customer ask me. She was a little bit of an odd-ball, and a pretty staunch christian, but... she seemed like a nice lady. She was asking me if I was trans because of my nails, earrings, and the ring I was wearing even though I think I was wearing mens' clothing at the time. She was a very accepting and open minded woman from the looks of it, and she said she asks questions like those because if she doesn't, then she'll never learn things. She gave me advice on how to shape my nails for a more modern look.

I had another customer waiting about 5 feet away, and it was a year and a half ago... Now, if it was just the two of us? I'd probably tell her honestly. I really regret that I couldn't have been open with her, because I think it would have been a wonderful thing for her to experience. But that's life.

My answer to "are you a guy or a girl?" tends to be "you want to suck my c*** and find out?"

I've also noticed that this tends to be a general all-purpose answer for many other situations.

Quote from: heatherrose on October 24, 2009, 01:20:32 AM

...and maybe for you too.

I believe so. Despite her being quite big on Jesus, I told her the story of my religious ex's family that literally labeled me satan and she asked if they were in a cult. Sweet, eccentric middle aged lady. Wish there were more people like her.

Quote from: Dee_pntx on October 24, 2009, 02:11:04 AM
Yeah, well that is exactly the very fastest way to find yourself in the bottom of a shallow grave in the woods around here.  That is the WORST answer you could possibly give. 

That might be a good answer in an alternate universe but in this one, not so much.

It's not so great south of Columbus, Ohio, either, but I don't live there.

But the question was "what do YOU say...?" -- and that's what I say.  If the question was for advice, I'd have given that, instead.

ETA:
Also, as a TS man, I'm dealing with life from a different angle, anyway.  When people ask me that question, it's cos they can't tell if I'm a very short man, or a very "butch" woman -- so the implication that I "have a penis" tends to be interpreted as an answer of "very short man".

I remember a scene from Stone Butch Blues. I think Jess Goldberg is on the subway, and a woman asks her male friend--I'll call him her boyfriend--if Goldberg is a guy or a girl. The boyfriend asks Jess directly and receives the hostile reply, "F*** off." The boyfriend then turns to the girlfriend and says, "It's a guy." I love that passage.

I was at the Center the other day for a trans meeting. I almost didn't go but changed my mind at the last minute because a friend of mine had promised to be there (he didn't show). So we were filing downstairs, and I saw that one of the men from my gay men's discussion group was volunteering for another event. I don't know if he saw me; and even if he saw me, perhaps he didn't know what meeting I was at. If he did see me and knows about the trans meeting, I don't think he would be so bold as to ask me, at the next men's meeting, if I'm trans. But you never know.

Anyway, I don't see how I can maintain this balancing act for much longer. I go to gay meetings and trans meetings under the same roof. Sooner or later, one of the gay men is going to figure it out (if someone hasn't already). For most of my life, I've wanted to be just one of the gay guys. Now I'm there, and I don't want them to see me any differently if they find out about my past.

I don't think a snappy comeback is going to help me one little bit. The real problem is me, I guess. I'm still insecure about my masculinity. I hate that. And the real kicker? In this particular respect--my insecurity, not my transness--I'm no different from a lot of American men. Maybe most of them.

Quote from: Arch on October 25, 2009, 02:52:36 PM
I'm still insecure about my masculinity. I hate that. And the real kicker? In this particular respect--my insecurity, not my transness--I'm no different from a lot of American men. Maybe most of them.

Yes. ;)

You are who you are, Arch.  You are trans and gay and a man.  In my limited experience, as I become more comfortable with who I am (a woman who tried to be a man but who is no longer trying), the more comfortable everyone seems to be with me.  Yes, I'm trans.  Yes, I'm in transition,  Yes, The world used to think I was a man even though I always knew somehow that I'm not.  But now I'm just me - Kate - and people around me seem to be more relaxed now that I've discovered who I am.

I hope the same works for you.  Just be Arch. :)

- Kate

Quote from: Dee_pntx on October 26, 2009, 04:21:00 AM
In the mean time, I've ditched the crummy avatar that everyone hated.  For now.

Permanently, I hope.

And I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

You look much nicer in the new one... I must agree :)

Now that is our Pretty Dee.  Sometimes all one needs is a good cry.  Huggles, Dee Hon.  It is good to see you back, I was concerned.


Janet

Dee,
I am so glad that you are feeling better.  I also like your new avatar very much.

Maggie

Quote from: Janet Lynn on October 26, 2009, 07:48:19 AMSometimes all one needs is a good cry.

That is so true.

I told a customer to go and have intercourse with himself last week when he asked me if I was male or female (it was as much to do with the tone he used as anything). As has been stated though, it's not a common question and it's usually pretty out of line. Most people will have the sense not to ask.

Uncommon? Try working with the inebriated.... heh, it  was a nightly question. Shows you how often people THINK it then engage the 'don't be rude' sector of thier brain when sober.

I am glad you are better, Dee.  Unfortunately there are those people who can only make themselves feel bigger by belittling others.  They never will figure out that they hurt other people.

She should have warned you, but at least you will not have to very see Mr. Richard Cranium again.

Hugs, Hon.


Janet

I worked with a guy like Kirk once, only he was more subtle and wasn't as single-minded.  He would talk to you until he found which button was the one to push, and then push it and push it again and again.  I knew he was an a$$hole, but he did help me to be less sensitive about a few things (the bastard >:().

I'm glad you're back on track, Dee.  And all you have to do is look through the avatars here on Susan's (mine included) and see that you are pretty.  This is a long and bumpy road we travel.  It is easier as we travel it together.

- Kate

K8, I just saw your ticker...I'm having an OMG moment, and I don't do that so often...well, no, it's more of a Dr. Horrible moment.

Seriously...a hammer...to mark the days till SRS? Was that just a happy accident, or do you have a severely wicked sense of humor?

What do you say if someone asks if your trans?

"Possibly, Why? Do you find me interesting?"  :laugh:

:icon_yes:

Quote from: Arch on October 29, 2009, 12:46:07 AM
K8, I just saw your ticker...I'm having an OMG moment, and I don't do that so often...well, no, it's more of a Dr. Horrible moment.

Seriously...a hammer...to mark the days till SRS? Was that just a happy accident, or do you have a severely wicked sense of humor?

I think she's got a great sense of humor!  I love her ticker!


Jay

Kate
How can you get that when you have been on HRT less than a year

Quote from: Arch on October 29, 2009, 12:46:07 AM
or do you have a severely wicked sense of humor?

Well, I've never heard it described quite that way, but ...  >:-)

Quote from: Krissy_Australia on October 29, 2009, 09:12:43 AM
How can you get that when you have been on HRT less than a year

I started HRT April 2.  I started RLE April 21.  My surgery is scheduled for April 30 - one year and 9 days after starting RLE.

Yes, I feel truly blessed.  But part of my haste is my age.  I want to enjoy as many years as possible as the real me.  And thanks to many of you, I am discovering just who she is. :)

- Kate

Good planning Kate
My therapist wont give me a referal till after my ffs

Hummph Kate. SRS already. Well now.  :eusa_think:

_{Congratulation anyway.}
Janet

Thanks, Janet.

You'll get there, honey.  Hopefully long before you get to be an old crone like me. :P

*hugs*
Kate

I have mentioned to him my concerns about my current appearance and how Ill feel more comfortable after surgery. Hes just doing his job to make sure I feel comfortable after the surgery before committing to something that is for all intents and purposes is ireversable

Quote from: Janet Lynn on October 29, 2009, 07:59:40 PM
Hummph Kate. SRS already. Well now.  :eusa_think:

_{Congratulation anyway.}
Janet

Well it is a year.... perfectly legit.

Good for you Kate, I'm still waiting, been full time a few years now, vivé la pauvreté :(

Quote from: K8 on October 29, 2009, 05:57:05 PM

. . .
I started HRT April 2.  I started RLE April 21.  My surgery is scheduled for April 30 - one year and 9 days after starting RLE.

Yes, I feel truly blessed.  But part of my haste is my age.  I want to enjoy as many years as possible as the real me.  And thanks to many of you, I am discovering just who she is. :)

- Kate

I am also of a grand age and so feel the same about urgency.  My problem is $$ unfortunately.  I still hope to figure that out and get scheduled for early 2011.  I am going full time this up coming Jan 2 (HRT started 100 days ago, today).  Since I am likely to go to Thailand for GRS, if the finances worked out, I could do the surgery in late 2010 ( my preference by far ).

Kate, just for the record, you are one of my hero's ;)

Charlene

Quote from: K8 on October 29, 2009, 05:57:05 PMMy surgery is scheduled for April 30 - one year and 9 days after starting RLE.

mine is planned 15 months 2 weeks 2 days after starting HRT/RLE. I would have done it those few months earlier but I will be out of the country from next week until just a few weeks before the surgery. Also I picked Summer Solstice for my date because I'm such a pagan lol

Quote from: FairyGirl on November 06, 2009, 10:51:55 AM
I picked Summer Solstice for my date because I'm such a pagan lol

It never occurred to me to pick a date.  Maybe in the next life that I'm TS. :D

Quote from: CharleneT on November 06, 2009, 10:05:25 AM
I am also of a grand age and so feel the same about urgency.  My problem is $$ unfortunately.  I still hope to figure that out and get scheduled for early 2011.  I am going full time this up coming Jan 2 (HRT started 100 days ago, today).  Since I am likely to go to Thailand for GRS, if the finances worked out, I could do the surgery in late 2010 ( my preference by far ).
Kate, just for the record, you are one of my hero's ;)

Charlene

Thanks, sweetie.  I know that I am very fortunate to have the funds to get SRS.  Many don't.  But to me, it seems like icing on the cake.  The cake – the substance – is being able to live as yourself. 

(I don't know how I will feel about this after the surgery.  I've only been right about half the time so far, so I could well be wrong here, too. ::))

This is a difficult road, but I don't think that the destination is surgery or stealth (if that is what you want) but being complete and being you.  That is a gift that not many – cis or trans – get in their lifetimes.  I hope you and all of us can get there.  If you need surgery to get there, then I hope you can get the surgery, but it's a means not an end.  Or it might just be the dessert, when it is the sustenance of the meal that feeds you.

- Kate

PS: Wow, did this thread get hijacked!  Sorry. :P

Quote from: K8 on November 06, 2009, 06:06:50 PMIt never occurred to me to pick a date.  Maybe in the next life that I'm TS. :D

Dr. McGinn only does this surgery on Monday, and I chose June because of being out of the country and to give myself enough time when I return to get the last little medical checkups and such done. I could have had any Monday in June, but it just so happened that Solstice came on one of them, so I thought it was fitting for a fairy to be complete on Midsummer's Eve. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Ffaewink.gif&hash=48e34aec052ac7456e33891e47f0d47edbc45563)

me too sorry for the thread drift...