Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: daydreamgirl6789 on October 30, 2009, 11:21:08 AM Return to Full Version
Title: confused ...please help
Post by: daydreamgirl6789 on October 30, 2009, 11:21:08 AM
Post by: daydreamgirl6789 on October 30, 2009, 11:21:08 AM
My boyfriend is a possible MTF. He says that he hasn't decided what he wants to do yet, but he continues to drop hints that he has made up his mind. We have been together for a little over two years now and I'm really just unsure of what to do. I know that I want him to be happy no matter what he decides, but I don't know if I'll be able to be there for him like I used to. I still offer him my support and everything I'm just so lost and scared. I know he understands that my feelings could change if he does the transition and I know that he wouldn't ask me to pretend to still feel the same way because that would be unfair to both of us. I'm just really nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle being even a friend with him. There's just so much on the unknown side of all of this that it scares me and I just don't know what to do or expect. We live together right now in a one bedroom apartment and I don't even know if I would be able to stay. We're both far from home and I would feel like an absolutely horrible person if this happened because we're also both new to the area and really have no one else in the area to turn too. I'd be really afraid of what would happen to him. I love him to death and I really want to be as supportive as I can, I just don't know what I can do for me to also become okay with all of this.
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: Flan on October 30, 2009, 12:22:51 PM
Post by: Flan on October 30, 2009, 12:22:51 PM
welcome to susan's
first off, you aren't a bad person for wanting to support your (gender) questioning SO/currently "bf" :)
I recommend some (2) books to learn about the process and coping with changes, should they happen
She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband
http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936 (http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936)
True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025 (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025)
it's as much a change in your SO/currently "bf" as it is yourself, regardless of what happens, hopefully it will be for a closer and more happy relationship
*hugs* stay groovy
first off, you aren't a bad person for wanting to support your (gender) questioning SO/currently "bf" :)
I recommend some (2) books to learn about the process and coping with changes, should they happen
She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband
http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936 (http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-Man-Married-Transgender/dp/1580051936)
True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025 (http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787967025)
it's as much a change in your SO/currently "bf" as it is yourself, regardless of what happens, hopefully it will be for a closer and more happy relationship
*hugs* stay groovy
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: finewine on October 30, 2009, 02:31:57 PM
Post by: finewine on October 30, 2009, 02:31:57 PM
(To follow on from Flan's excellent reply...)
You're not obligated to be comfortable with it. It's great if you are, or you can learn to be...but that doesn't mean you have to or that you're a bad person for NOT being cool with it. Your partner seems to understand that this might put your relationship in jeopardy, so take your time, check out the links Flan posted and go slow.
The reality is that its a transition for both of you - it's up to you, as much as them, to decide whether to proceed. Good luck!
You're not obligated to be comfortable with it. It's great if you are, or you can learn to be...but that doesn't mean you have to or that you're a bad person for NOT being cool with it. Your partner seems to understand that this might put your relationship in jeopardy, so take your time, check out the links Flan posted and go slow.
The reality is that its a transition for both of you - it's up to you, as much as them, to decide whether to proceed. Good luck!
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: Windrider on October 30, 2009, 04:41:33 PM
Post by: Windrider on October 30, 2009, 04:41:33 PM
+3 :)
In addition to what Flan and Finewine have said, I will add - TALK! Talk to your SO about, well, everything - how you feel, what your fears are, how *they* are feeling, what would they like, etc. You've also got to be honest. Ask questions, even if they seem dumb. If you're asking it, it's not dumb.
Yes, the unknown is scary (Dani's heard me say that often enough ;) And since every transition is different, it's awfully hard to plan/prepare for "what's next." (I'm hearing an echo again....) That's all part of the talking :) You're both going to have to compromise on stuff. In this way transition is no different than the rest of the relationship.
It is possible to survive transition as a couple. It's a lot of work, but I think it's worth it. Dani's transition has actually helped our marriage. We're a much more loving and closer couple now.
Good luck. We're here for you (and there's the chat too!)
WR
In addition to what Flan and Finewine have said, I will add - TALK! Talk to your SO about, well, everything - how you feel, what your fears are, how *they* are feeling, what would they like, etc. You've also got to be honest. Ask questions, even if they seem dumb. If you're asking it, it's not dumb.
Yes, the unknown is scary (Dani's heard me say that often enough ;) And since every transition is different, it's awfully hard to plan/prepare for "what's next." (I'm hearing an echo again....) That's all part of the talking :) You're both going to have to compromise on stuff. In this way transition is no different than the rest of the relationship.
It is possible to survive transition as a couple. It's a lot of work, but I think it's worth it. Dani's transition has actually helped our marriage. We're a much more loving and closer couple now.
Good luck. We're here for you (and there's the chat too!)
WR
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: daydreamgirl6789 on November 02, 2009, 08:09:52 PM
Post by: daydreamgirl6789 on November 02, 2009, 08:09:52 PM
Thank you all for the advice!
We actually talked a lot and though he still hasn't completely made his decision yet, it has definitely helped a lot. I feel a lot more comfortable with the idea. I guess I was just really nervous that it would change him as a person with all the different hormones that he would have to take. But we picked each others brains for an entire night to try and get a feel of what we were each thinking and also made it a point to say that they only way we would get through this was if we kept the communication going. Thank you again :)
We actually talked a lot and though he still hasn't completely made his decision yet, it has definitely helped a lot. I feel a lot more comfortable with the idea. I guess I was just really nervous that it would change him as a person with all the different hormones that he would have to take. But we picked each others brains for an entire night to try and get a feel of what we were each thinking and also made it a point to say that they only way we would get through this was if we kept the communication going. Thank you again :)
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: Windrider on November 02, 2009, 08:47:38 PM
Post by: Windrider on November 02, 2009, 08:47:38 PM
Good! I'm glad to hear things are going well.
The changes don't happen overnight either. :) Dani has only recently started HRT (about 1 month now) and she hasn't sprouted breasts overnight (I checked :P ) She hasn't suddenly developed a desire for all things pink. She's still the same person she was before HRT (well, a little better, but that's a long story ;)
Don't be a stranger :)
WR
The changes don't happen overnight either. :) Dani has only recently started HRT (about 1 month now) and she hasn't sprouted breasts overnight (I checked :P ) She hasn't suddenly developed a desire for all things pink. She's still the same person she was before HRT (well, a little better, but that's a long story ;)
Don't be a stranger :)
WR
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: FlorDeLuna on November 07, 2009, 07:50:40 AM
Post by: FlorDeLuna on November 07, 2009, 07:50:40 AM
Don't have any advice, but just wanted to say.. good luck to you. :)
Title: Re: confused ...please help
Post by: Kurzar on November 07, 2009, 08:40:13 AM
Post by: Kurzar on November 07, 2009, 08:40:13 AM
I'm not the SO, but the one going thru the changes. I know I've put my mates thru hell with what I'm dealing with. Both are willing to stick with me till the end. It's not an easy road for any involved to be going down, but yes communication is so important. I know I have trouble in that area because I internalize everything.