Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Non-Op => Topic started by: stephb on October 30, 2009, 11:49:29 AM Return to Full Version
Title: A paradox and ironies
Post by: stephb on October 30, 2009, 11:49:29 AM
Post by: stephb on October 30, 2009, 11:49:29 AM
Paradox and Ironies
I've written before about how I've spent much of my life trying to come to terms with my GID and my subsequent conclusion that I will probably never transition. I haven't written much since then, and I won't repeat much of that discussion, but there are some other points that I think are interesting.
While spending another sleepless night due to my GID, I reflected on one of the paradoxes of my situation. Over almost 60 years of struggling with this condition, I've often thought about how things might have been different if I had known what I know now and had the courage to act on it. I think about how my life might have been had I transitioned when I was 18.
A puzzling contradiction to me is that the worst thing in my life has been that I've had to live it in the role of a male, knowing that I am a female inside. At the same time, the best part of my life has been being a husband and father. I don't know what to make of this. It seems strange that they could both be true and, yet, contradict each other at the same time.
So much for the paradox ... now for the irony. Keep in mind that I am committed to not transitioning and that I have never disclosed my GID to anyone other than my spouse (... and my therapist, and this forum, and the support group I once attended ... Hmm, more people than I realized!).
I recently had a serious prostate "event" that sent me to the ER ... another "benefit" of my advanced age. The severe pain that I was in made my shaved legs and trimmed pubic area only minor considerations. Thank goodness my toes weren't polished also. The ER staff was very courteous. There were no embarrassing questions or comments.
After treatment, I left the hospital with a catheter in and a prescription for finasteride. Riding home, I realized that I was experiencing one of the "joys" of SRS without the final product. I also ended up using a panty liner for the week to catch any catheter seepage. The ultimate irony is that now I will be taking finasteride for the rest of my life. I even get the high dosage version rather than the dosage intended for just hair loss. It's too soon to detect any effects, but I can hope.
So, it is with both a smile and a grimace that I think about this latest turn in my life.
Steph
I've written before about how I've spent much of my life trying to come to terms with my GID and my subsequent conclusion that I will probably never transition. I haven't written much since then, and I won't repeat much of that discussion, but there are some other points that I think are interesting.
While spending another sleepless night due to my GID, I reflected on one of the paradoxes of my situation. Over almost 60 years of struggling with this condition, I've often thought about how things might have been different if I had known what I know now and had the courage to act on it. I think about how my life might have been had I transitioned when I was 18.
A puzzling contradiction to me is that the worst thing in my life has been that I've had to live it in the role of a male, knowing that I am a female inside. At the same time, the best part of my life has been being a husband and father. I don't know what to make of this. It seems strange that they could both be true and, yet, contradict each other at the same time.
So much for the paradox ... now for the irony. Keep in mind that I am committed to not transitioning and that I have never disclosed my GID to anyone other than my spouse (... and my therapist, and this forum, and the support group I once attended ... Hmm, more people than I realized!).
I recently had a serious prostate "event" that sent me to the ER ... another "benefit" of my advanced age. The severe pain that I was in made my shaved legs and trimmed pubic area only minor considerations. Thank goodness my toes weren't polished also. The ER staff was very courteous. There were no embarrassing questions or comments.
After treatment, I left the hospital with a catheter in and a prescription for finasteride. Riding home, I realized that I was experiencing one of the "joys" of SRS without the final product. I also ended up using a panty liner for the week to catch any catheter seepage. The ultimate irony is that now I will be taking finasteride for the rest of my life. I even get the high dosage version rather than the dosage intended for just hair loss. It's too soon to detect any effects, but I can hope.
So, it is with both a smile and a grimace that I think about this latest turn in my life.
Steph
Title: Re: A paradox and ironies
Post by: juliekins on October 30, 2009, 01:05:02 PM
Post by: juliekins on October 30, 2009, 01:05:02 PM
What is holding you back, Steph, from becoming the person you know yourself to truly be? Just curious. Many of us transition late in life, and are still very happy. I've had my share of losses, but reclaiming MY life has been completely worth it.
Good luck with things!
Good luck with things!
Title: Re: A paradox and ironies
Post by: sneakersjay on October 30, 2009, 03:49:47 PM
Post by: sneakersjay on October 30, 2009, 03:49:47 PM
One of the biggest joys in my life has been my children, but I didn't and don't identify with the label 'mother' even when I lived as female, and not even when pregnant. That was the surreal part. I never felt 'motherly.' I was and still am a damn good parent, though. And my kids think it's a non-issue.
Transition is not an easy thing, but I wished I'd done it sooner. But then, I might not have my two terrific kids.
Jay
Transition is not an easy thing, but I wished I'd done it sooner. But then, I might not have my two terrific kids.
Jay
Title: Re: A paradox and ironies
Post by: Chrissty on October 30, 2009, 06:14:22 PM
Post by: Chrissty on October 30, 2009, 06:14:22 PM
Quote from: juliekins on October 30, 2009, 01:05:02 PM
What is holding you back, Steph, from becoming the person you know yourself to truly be? Just curious. Many of us transition late in life, and are still very happy. I've had my share of losses, but reclaiming MY life has been completely worth it.
Good luck with things!
If you do find an answer to Julies question Steph... Let me/us know... ::)
Having said that, I suppose we we are fighting transition, we just try to make the most of any small sign of "progress" to calm our GID.
I wish you luck...if you know what I mean.. ;D :icon_flower:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
Title: Re: A paradox and ironies
Post by: Bellaon7 on October 31, 2009, 09:06:36 PM
Post by: Bellaon7 on October 31, 2009, 09:06:36 PM
You are my truest inspiration, surviving so long in the wrong sex without just giving up. I'm scared of heights, but can look down onto rock or pavement & see the pain just going away, no missfires or bad aim, just goodbye.
Title: Re: A paradox and ironies
Post by: juliekins on November 01, 2009, 09:36:52 AM
Post by: juliekins on November 01, 2009, 09:36:52 AM
Hon, the pain only goes away when you begin to live your life as your true self in your true gender. Courage is evident when one takes charge of their life, puts their face into the wind and sails in the direction that they need.
For me, I would rather help others in their quest for happiness and truth, than to waste my life lying broken on the pavement somewhere-either literally or figuratively.
I wish everyone here the courage and strength to live their lives in truth, in the service of others.
For me, I would rather help others in their quest for happiness and truth, than to waste my life lying broken on the pavement somewhere-either literally or figuratively.
I wish everyone here the courage and strength to live their lives in truth, in the service of others.