Susan's Place Transgender Resources

How far in advance of your surgery did you start freaking out?

I was doing fine, figuring my surgery was so long from now that I didn't need to think about it.  Then I made the mistake of putting a ticker on my profile.  (And I thank you all for your kind wishes.  I really do appreciate them. :))

Then, oddly enough, after six months of no one raising the issue of GRS, two friends separately asked me if I am going to have surgery (yes – to them).  I also had a long talk with another friend who I had thought I had told but hadn't, so I explained it to her.  Now, almost six months until The Date I find that I am starting to freak out.

At this point I see no scenario where I wouldn't go through with the surgery unless my health or funds disappear, but I'm getting anxious.  And I'm old enough to know that six months is a LOOOONG time.

So, how far in advance did you start freaking out? ???

- Kate

If only.  I am only days fro my Orchie and I can not wait for the week to end.  But you have a long time to wait and think about it.

You are going to be fine, Kate.  And you name will go on my list.  ;D


Janet

Hi Kate,

Lol, I smiled when I read this post....  I've wondered if/when I'll hit that point.

I'm to the point where I'm dreaming avidly about the 'after' life, and I so can't wait.   I have literally had dreams of waking up and not feeling a bump whilst tummy-sleeping.  And yes, nightmares race through my head of EVERYTHING that can go wrong, but the happy visions of the end result usually surpass those. 

Until I hit the 3 month mark, which wasn't too long ago, I was soo caught up in the details.. and now those are good... Finances... Check.   Work time Off... Check.  Packing List... Work in progress.   Flight Booked... Check.   Now it's time for the idle mind to wander, the last 2 months or so, conjuring up all of those thoughts that one has going into life changing surgery...

But freaking out, no.  Anxious, yes.  Impatient, yes.  Excited, yes.   Ready to be through it, ohhh Yes.   lol...   Hopefully I don't find a freaking out stage, I'll let you know  :icon_yikes:

Best wishes, and congratulations!!! 

*huggs*,
Melan

I'm old enough to know that six months is a long time time, too, Kate, but I also know it will fly by.

I'm only about a month ahead of you, but all is well with me.  I've had a couple "doubt" episodes, but that's typical for such a huge endeavor.

My surgery is scheduled, paid for, and I have the plane ticket and hotel paid for, as well.  I just hope, like you, there aren't any last minute oopses.  I still have the pre surgery work up to do, but that's scheduled (for January).  Then there is the stopping HRT a month in advance.  That's going to be, ummm, interesting!!!

I haven't made it a point to tell many people about it, just family, work, and close friends.  It's really no one's business, it is rather personal.  Just IMHO, of course!

You're doing fine, Kate!  Me - I'll let you know when I start to fall apart...that way you can expect to at about the same time before your surgery!

Another for my list.  My goodness but it is getting long.  ;)


Janet

The only time I was "freaking out" was when I was turned back at the U.S. border on my way to Colorado. SRS had always been an impossibility until Dr. Biber came along and I had been suicidal for years. I wasn't going to tell some flunky border guard how much money I was carrying. But I took an alternate route and got through into a MAJOR BLIZZARD! When I got to Trinidad and got the okay from Dr. Biber everything was fine. When they were putting me to sleep I said "If you don't do the surgery, don't wake me up."

Freaking out? Nope. Just a blessed relief in every way imaginable.

Freaking out, never. Just getting more excited as the day approaches

If any of you saw (SAW the movie series 1-5 and possibly 6) When people go through the "Games" they show the person trying something then t he scene cuts into the people freaking out (The cam shakes) I feel that way waiting for SRS.

I am rather the same scheduled for SRS as you are (except, ill be in montreal and there earlier I suppose)

Anyhoo every day is an agonizing wait but at the same time when I look at the "Ticker" It used to say 6months 2 weeks on it when i added it now its 5 months 1 week which felt like it was yesterday in some kind of aspect.

Soon enough it will day 3 weeks left...

Put it this way, the holiday seasons are approaching, and if your remotely like I am during the seasons, theres missing 1 month in a half in your life because time flies by in the season area.

then we will be in the SRS family w00tage

Quote from: K8 on November 03, 2009, 07:34:48 PM
How far in advance of your surgery did you start freaking out?

I was doing fine, figuring my surgery was so long from now that I didn't need to think about it.  Then I made the mistake of putting a ticker on my profile.  (And I thank you all for your kind wishes.  I really do appreciate them. :))

Then, oddly enough, after six months of no one raising the issue of GRS, two friends separately asked me if I am going to have surgery (yes – to them).  I also had a long talk with another friend who I had thought I had told but hadn't, so I explained it to her.  Now, almost six months until The Date I find that I am starting to freak out.

At this point I see no scenario where I wouldn't go through with the surgery unless my health or funds disappear, but I'm getting anxious.  And I'm old enough to know that six months is a LOOOONG time.

So, how far in advance did you start freaking out? ???

- Kate

With less than 40 hours to go, I am still cool.  It might hit me tomorrow night, but right now nothing.
No excitement or freaking out.


Janet

I will be calm when I arrive at the MTL airport :)

Quote from: Janet Lynn on November 04, 2009, 07:23:23 PM
With less than 40 hours to go, I am still cool.  It might hit me tomorrow night, but right now nothing.
No excitement or freaking out.


Janet

Sorry, this is off topic.  But K8, I'd just like to say I love your choice of a hammer breaking eggs for your ticker.  How perfect!  :laugh:

O.K.  Now you can go back to freaking out.  ;)

Oh, and Janet.  Don't know how I missed it up to now, but congrats on your Orchi.

Like Sara, I'm watching my ticker move - slowly move.  I have two of the things on another board, and I'll tell you, they don't move any faster with two.  I thought they might race or something.  When I put them up, it was 192 days, now it's 139 days.  They are moving...I guess!

This almost reminds me of looking for the end of basic training....it'll never come!

Janet, congratulations!!  Wow, forty hours.

I have a girlfriend who is on her way to Montreal as I write this.  She'll be under the loving care of Dr Brassard in four days.  I'm living vicariously though her, so there is a touch of freaking out going on with me right now!

Hugs, all!!!

oOOOoOOoO another brassard girl, im going bring a "its a girl" cigar with me when I go for the heck of it

Quote from: sarals on November 05, 2009, 10:21:05 AM
Like Sara, I'm watching my ticker move - slowly move.  I have two of the things on another board, and I'll tell you, they don't move any faster with two.  I thought they might race or something.  When I put them up, it was 192 days, now it's 139 days.  They are moving...I guess!

This almost reminds me of looking for the end of basic training....it'll never come!

Janet, congratulations!!  Wow, forty hours.

I have a girlfriend who is on her way to Montreal as I write this.  She'll be under the loving care of Dr Brassard in four days.  I'm living vicariously though her, so there is a touch of freaking out going on with me right now!

Hugs, all!!!

I don't want to hijack the thread too much.

Janet:

Best of luck in the surgery!  I'm sure everything will be fine, after all we do this to our pets all the time!  :D  I'm sure you'll be up and around in no time!

Kate:
Waiting for FFS was like waiting for Christmas.  For me, it seemed like the clock stopped and everything took *forever*!

When I scheduled the SRS, I was much more zen in my approach.  It was, to me, just a series of steps I had to take.  Schedule this, order that, get the letters out, fight with the insurance company (again, and again, and again).  The time went pretty quickly, though I never took my eyes off the clock.  But I felt it was like the last piece of the puzzle, the icing on the cake.  Important, but when compared to all the rest of the things I've been through, not *that* big of a deal.

Then I woke up after surgery...

Somewhere deep inside my brain, I felt a switch flip from M -> F.  I was overcome with a feeling of completeness and serenity I had never known before.

I realized then that I had taken the biggest step in my life.  While I could never have de-transition prior to SRS, the final bridge had been burned.  Everything I had done up to that point was all about how I presented myself to society, all about someone else, not about *me*.  When I completed my SRS I completed myself.  No one (well very few) would ever see what I had done, but from that point on, I would *always* know!

You'll do fine, Kate!  Try not to break your leg or anything like that for now, but there shouldn't be any problems.

BTW:  If you mentioned it before, I've lost it.  Where and when (specifically) will you be doing the deed?  Just curious...

-Sandy

Its in her signature (ticker) 5 months 3 weeks 4 days

Quote from: Sandy on November 05, 2009, 11:26:52 AM

BTW:  If you mentioned it before, I've lost it.  Where and when (specifically) will you be doing the deed?  Just curious...

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on November 05, 2009, 11:26:52 AM
BTW:  If you mentioned it before, I've lost it.  Where and when (specifically) will you be doing the deed?  Just curious...

Thanks for the description of your feelings, Sandy.  That helps in ways I'm still digesting.

I hadn't mentioned where - I don't know why.  In some ways I can't wait; in other ways I'm still in disbelief that, after all these years, what I have wished for all my life might actually come true.  (Who'da thought? :o)

If the Mayan calendar isn't off by a few years, on April 30 2010 I will become a Bowers girl.  (Yay! :eusa_dance:)

- Kate ;D ;D ;D

Some may think I'm full of it but I never freaked out, not even when I was in the "warming room" at the hospital.  Brassard walked in and asked how I was doing and I said fine.  I was very much at peace and no, I didn't have any happy meds in me.

When they came to get me, they wheeled me through the doors into the surgery area and into one of the rooms.  Brassard walked in and again asked me how I was doing and again I said 'fine'.  They then started hooking me up to all kinds of things and I laid there then closed my eyes.  Someone said, "We're going to give you something to relax you."  The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room.

But, it was only five weeks from the time I made the date til the surgery.  And I had been through a lot of hellish times in the past several months.  And this was the only surgery that really mattered to me.  I've never once regretted it.

Julie

Quote from: Sandy on November 05, 2009, 11:26:52 AMI was overcome with a feeling of completeness and serenity I had never known before.

OH MY GOD YES!

I had struggled my whole life, always the freak, always didn't fit. I had lived on the brink of suicide for years, not sure if I was going to see tomorrow. When I woke up the first time only a few hours after surgery, I knew it had been done. With the Colorado sun shining on my face and the biggest smile you have ever seen, I nestled into the covers and had the best sleep of my life! All was right with the world for the first time I could remember.

Anxiety went high about an hour before surgery but it was not too bad.

I was fine until Heather was taking pictures and decided to tape a little interview.  She asks if I am nervous at all.  And it hit me.  "Are you really sure you want to do this?"  :o

But I thought to myself, 'It is just another step in your transition".  All went well, except for the pain now, but even at that I am glad I did it.


Janet

congrats Janet! Also congratulations to all of you who are about to take the plunge!

I am so resolved to finish this I can't even think about freaking out. I loved Sandy's descriptions and that is how I feel. Step by step, getting things done until it's over. Although I do feel a bit like I'm waiting for Christmas. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.faeriewylde.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles2%2Fornament.gif&hash=b328ebf7044313be6a4e36355b7281f50b5db3c9)

Just this morning in the bath I was thinking about it, and it came into my head that if I didn't do this I would surely have to end my own life because it would not be worth living anymore if I could not be complete. Like many here I am ticking down the days but as far as I'm concerned, it can't get here fast enough! My resolve is not wavering, it's only getting stronger as the day approaches.

Hum... Lets see I counted down everyday till surgery.  I was like a 5 year old at christmas,  When will it get here  Then there is the stage where you worry about all the complications that can happen.  Then there is the last two weeks when you worry about all the things that might happen if you miss your flight. etc.etc.  As far as worry about the surgery.  On the day it arrived I was on cloud nine.  No worries,  YES Oh YES Christmas had arrived.   

Since putting up my ticker I have been really struggling, and I keep wondering why.  I am coming to the conclusion that it is because I'm beginning to think the surgery might actually happen, and I am beginning to hope for something too important to me.

I've always been reluctant to express my hopes, because then, if someone knew what you wanted, they could keep you from getting it.  I have kept sane and managed not to be suicidal for all these years by learning to accept disappointment, by being careful about hoping, by not counting on things, and just getting on with my life.

All through my childhood I thought I would become a girl, but of course I didn't.  When puberty hit, small hard knots formed behind my nipples, each one about the size and shape of a Cheerio.  I thought: At last!  I'm going to grow breasts and this extra stuff will finally fall off!  But of course that didn't happen.  (I was very naïve.  Children now know that won't happen, but we didn't have the internet then and the only TV science show was Mr. Wizard, who didn't deal with biology.)

I spent 24 years in the military.  About every 18 months I would fill out a form saying where I would like to go next.  About six months later I would get orders to my next station.  The two events rarely had anything to do with each other, and I learned to accept that.

There is more, of course, just as there is for everyone.  I'm not that much different – luckier in some ways and less lucky in others.

But this surgery is just too important.  I have no experience with wanting something that is this important.  And I think that's why I've been struggling.

- Kate

Quote from: Beni on November 07, 2009, 09:17:48 PM
  Then there is the stage where you worry about all the complications that can happen. 

There!

I never did start freaking out and was surprised by my calm. But then, it was "only" top surgery. I'm sure that if I were planning bottom surgery, I would be climbing the walls from day one.

Quote from: Matilda on November 08, 2009, 02:45:18 AM
No "freaking out" about SRS on my part.  On the contrary, I was more terrified at the idea that something was going to happen that would prevent me from having surgery.

Exactly! :icon_yes:

- Kate

Quote from: Julie Marie on November 05, 2009, 02:29:42 PM
Some may think I'm full of it but I never freaked out, not even when I was in the "warming room" at the hospital.  Brassard walked in and asked how I was doing and I said fine.  I was very much at peace and no, I didn't have any happy meds in me.

The same thing happened with me. I'm normally a nervous Nelly when it comes to anything medical, especially my first operation. I was remarkably calm, and in some Zen like place while in the pre-op area waiting on the gurney. I couldn't believe the peace that I had. I could almost imagine that I was entering heaven!

Sorry, but I can't say I quite had the same experience right before my FFS. Though I had a remarkably competent surgeon, I still was very anxious before I got wheeled into OR. Either I was more knowledgeable about the recovery experience, or it wasn't as deeply a seated need as GRS. 

To everyone here with upcoming dates- congratulations! You are taking the step of a lifetime, and one that you will not regret. Your time will come soon. Kind of like waiting for Santa to come down the Chimney! ^-^

Ah, the "warming room"...

Dim lights, a comfortable gurney, a transistor radio softly playing the local classical music station with commercials quietly spoken in French.
Then, not one, but two pre-warmed blankets laid on top of you.
All the while, expectations of thing to come.

Quote from: Matilda on November 08, 2009, 02:45:18 AM
No "freaking out" about SRS on my part.  On the contrary, I was more terrified at the idea that something was going to happen that would prevent me from having surgery.

Yes me too, I think it's my absolute greatest fear right now. I have my 2 letters. I'm beyond ready. When someone again reminds me "this is irreversible", I'm like, yay!! Isn't that kind of the point?

17 days till FFS and they are dragging on soooo slowly. Just getting impatient now.

Quote from: Krissy_Australia on November 08, 2009, 05:20:25 PM
17 days till FFS and they are dragging on soooo slowly. Just getting impatient now.

Happy Healing Krissy!  You'll do great!

*huggs*,
Melan

I can't say I ever freaked out. My family supported me at every stage of my transition, therapy, FFS BA surgeries etc. My situation was a bit different in the 1980s, but it was my Mam's idea originally for me to have GRS to complete my journey, I was happy with the decision, December 1985 was my date, my big day.
I remember about 1week before my surgery I got a bit anxious, then 2days before just a little panicky and nervious, it was like omg its really happening, then when my big day arrived, going under then coming around, at first when I awoke it was a little sureal, just hard to believe, my Dad was at my bedside when I came round, all I remember saying ''am I done'' like as if time just flew by, he just gave me a big hug ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete'' my Mam visited later, she was trilled to bits, it was a fantastic occasion, I feel Iv always been a woman, but after GRS I felt 100% physically a woman. Iv no regrets, life is good now, I told my BF resently, its not a big deal, hopefully getting married next and be a loving Wife to him, no gain without pain, everything will work out Kate.
p

Just the thought of having someone take sharp metal objects to that area of my body, on purpose, freaks me out already! Even if I have no money to pay for surgery, and don't have a foreseeable appointment coming any time in the next year...

Quote from: pretty pauline on November 08, 2009, 05:44:34 PM
I can't say I ever freaked out. My family supported me at every stage of my transition, therapy, FFS BA surgeries etc. My situation was a bit different in the 1980s, but it was my Mam's idea originally for me to have GRS to complete my journey, I was happy with the decision, December 1985 was my date, my big day.
I remember about 1week before my surgery I got a bit anxious, then 2days before just a little panicky and nervious, it was like omg its really happening, then when my big day arrived, going under then coming around, at first when I awoke it was a little sureal, just hard to believe, my Dad was at my bedside when I came round, all I remember saying ''am I done'' like as if time just flew by, he just gave me a big hug ''Daddy's princess girl is now complete'' my Mam visited later, she was trilled to bits, it was a fantastic occasion, I feel Iv always been a woman, but after GRS I felt 100% physically a woman. Iv no regrets, life is good now, I told my BF resently, its not a big deal, hopefully getting married next and be a loving Wife to him, no gain without pain, everything will work out Kate.
p

All I can say is WOW. I would be happy to have any of family behind me. You had mom and dad. I'm happy for you and hope your getting married turns out ot be all you hope for.

I know I'm jealous too, can you blame me?



My only freaking out kind of thing is I fear loss of control. Being out while others play with my body is the frightening part, not the idea of surgery itself. If it could be done with a local , I would be OK. End of March will see if I can actually get all the way into an operating room.

Quote from: Miniar on November 08, 2009, 05:49:11 PM
Just the thought of having someone take sharp metal objects to that area of my body, on purpose, freaks me out already! Even if I have no money to pay for surgery, and don't have a foreseeable appointment coming any time in the next year...

Well what can girl do when theres no other options, a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do to feel complete.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 08, 2009, 10:08:54 PM

All I can say is WOW. I would be happy to have any of family behind me. You had mom and dad. I'm happy for you and hope your getting married turns out ot be all you hope for.

I know I'm jealous too, can you blame me?



My only freaking out kind of thing is I fear loss of control. Being out while others play with my body is the frightening part, not the idea of surgery itself. If it could be done with a local , I would be OK. End of March will see if I can actually get all the way into an operating room.

Don't be jealous LordKat, your day will come, the other field is not always greener, I had no easy ride, after my surgery my healing was very slow, then incontinence problems, my Mam was trilled to bits when I finally had my surgery but very little understanding of the painful healing I was going thru, having to wear incontinence pads etc. Only support I ever got from her was ''its all part of being a girl, welcome to womanhood bla bla bla''
Anyway its history now, its been a slow success, I personally have no interest in sex, any guy thats been there has never complained, others have got my enjoyment from my vagina than I ever had, just to see my BF well satisfied is very fulfilling to me as a woman, bringing me flowers and telling me Im pretty and attractive is worth more than all the sex in the world, sorry sorry for going off thread, must be my hormones.
p