Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I've come out face to face to pretty much everyone who I felt really was entitled to a face-to-face discussion  except my brother (who's moved and I can't get his address or number yet) and I'd moved into some pretty overt feminine presentation even before the last week, I wanted a way to kind of "have my say" about what was going on.

I'd ran into a few girlfriends whom I'd probably said more to than they were really interested in knowing but I get the idea that people - even if they are curious - really don't want to listen to you rattle on about yourself. and there's no clear way to know if they are even curious or are just being nice.

so anyway, after I got to the place where there was no one else here in this town I wanted to tell face to face and not wanting to be rude, I was looking for a way to say "I am a transsexual" rather than just unexpectedly turning up with a bra one day.

I'd started my wife a Facebook page a couple of weeks ago and I noticed that several of the "second tier" acquaintances - people close enough to me to have an interest in me but for whatever reason not an appropriate target for a "coming out" speech were befriending her. some family members, some folks we'd been going to church with a few years ago, and etc.

So it occurs to me that if I set up a Facebook page for Laura (instead of "him") that anyone who looked at my page would have the opportunity to see the real me and a "statement" so to speak concerning the transition - and now a link to a blog where I can elaborate more.

I didn't, however, want to send friend requests to anyone because I didn't want them to feel oblidged to befriend me just to not be rude. So I tracked down an older cousin of mine who I love a lot - in fact if she lived close by she'd have been on the "face to face" list - and kind of forced her to realize who this "laura" person speaking to her really was. And told her I wouldn't push it but she could friend me if she wanted, or not (she's very religious and I wasn't sure of her reaction) - this was designed to be a first step to be visible to the other people I was thinking of - If I was on this cousin's friend list they would see me and I would find out what they would  decide to do.

So, this cousin - I'll call her "Pam" - seemed to take forever to "catch on" - when she finally did send a friend request i thought she "got it" but she posted to my wall something about "having a sister" (which I don't) and said something to my wife along the lines of "having a new girl in the house"
when we got a chance to chat I finally figured out that Pam thought I was just cross-dressing on the down-low, so to speak. I told her my wife was struggling to adjust and she said "tell her to relax, it's what's on the inside that counts" which blew me away.

Was it really possible pam was going to be THAT cool with it?

When I finally got it through to her that I was changing my life, not just indulging a private hobby, her attitude changed a good bit - "Put your pants on man, think of your family" and so forth. But I pointed out to her that it was she herself who had said "It's what's on the inside that counts"
she wanted me to call her the next day and we ended the chat but I wrote her a pretty direct note telling her how much I loved her but also affirming that I knew I couldn't change her mind and she should know she shouldn't change mine.

well, the next morning when I checked my page she had posted to my wall that i should write a book about it and she'd serve as editor and agent to get it published (I tried to tell her later that there was no shortage of "my story" books by transwomen)  - the striking thing being here that she seemed to have just accepted that my mind was made up so she was going to support me. We've not spoken extensively in the several days since but there's not been any more "preaching"

So, I got through that big hurdle and I have my new name in circulation.

Now, the real experiment begins - what will those who know me do when they see "Laura" in place of the man they thought they knew.

So, in the last couple of days, what should appear but a friend request from my niece (shes a sweetheart but her mom can be VERY judgmental - not in a religious sense but in the sense of thinking she knows better than everyone else) - she's the daughter of the brother I haven't spoken to about this yet.

then the next day, I get one from a woman I know through my wife's family. Not what I'd call a close friend necessarily but also not a girl I would have assumed would be among the first in line to stand with me either.

After the niece was my friend, my wife went ahead and allowed me to friend her so now, between those few friends and the classmate connections that Facebook turns up, a wide variety of people - dozens or more - who knew "him" can now see her.

I think it's going to be fascinating to watch these folks - most of them very conservative Christians - sort out what to do about me. Or rather, it will be no surprise if most ignore me but it will be fascinating if some of them do send a friend request.

It might not be a good idea for everyone, but I'm finding it a pretty solid way to "come out" in a larger way, especially now that I'm - in every practical sense - full time.

Also, from a selfish point of view, my wife is really struggling this week and I've told her that, for a limited time, if she forces me to choose to give this up or lose her and the kids, I'll quit - but that that offer won't stand for long.
(I know I know but she really is that important to me)

What I'm hoping is that the more people know the full extent of the new me, the more people that see me out and about fully dressed, the more who "hear my story" by seeing what I've posted about myself on line - the harder it will be for my wife to ask me to put Laura back in the closet.

Laura,

You're so much more into the modern technology (anything since telegraph) than me.  I really do still struggle with basic computer operation after thirty years.  My immediate thought is that you have hit on something about getting the story out, presenting the possibly shocking information not person-to-person, but in a manner allowing some contemplation before reacting.  I don't know.  I do believe you are working hard to get it out, perhaps to get so far along that turning it back won't be feasable.  And Laura, that is not a criticism in any way.  It is so straight forward and direct.  I admire it.  I hope it works out for you, and for your wife.  I sometimes think that our sisters that have their wife storm out screaming and hateful may have it better.  It's out of their hands.  I don't know, and don't care to find out.

SusanKG 

Hi Laura :)
That was brave of you, small steps leading to big ones, right? I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by family's reaction to your transition. I think your cousin was right with the first statement, "It's what's on the inside that counts." That's pretty much what most people, at least the decent ones (in my opinion), seem to think. I think it's super that you have a supportive extended family, it'll help :) Meghan

I went ahead and sent a email via facebook to all my friends I could not tell in person or don't see them enough too. I then said in the letter that I was closing down my old facebook account and switching to my new one (Male name) if they wanted they could send a friend request to the new account. this way it gave people an easy out if it was too much for them. I ended up with more friends on facebook now then what I had previously. I also set up a blog where I answer questions people ask regularly (since I know if one person asks 20 probably want to know). That is also working out well. I did make it private as I get some very personal questions.
Congratulations on the coming out!
Myles

Laura,
I admire your courage. I've been on facebook for awhile now, as well. I seem to attract a lot of conservative Christians as friends, even though I am a moderately liberal Pagan Transwoman. Go figure.  ::)

In any event, I plan on doing something similar. When the time comes, I plan to compose a letter to my friends giving them the option of ending our friendship. The way I figure it, if they want to end it over who I really am, then they were never my friend to begin with.

Some may see that as cynicism, but I'm not out to make anyone uncomfortable. I just want to be myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I don't have time for dead weight.

In any event, I've wandered off topic. Sorry. Good luck with your transition and I hope everything works out for you.

Best Regards,
Angela

I really like your creative and determined attitude about coming out.  I learned a few things from reading your story that I might apply to my own life in the future.

I especially like your diplomatic way of interacting with people who you care about, while their belief systems differ from your own enough to be a potential source of conflict.  Sounds like you turned what could have been a conflict into a commonality ("we've both made up our minds . . . " etc), so you could continue to be supportive of each other.  And I'm so glad it worked!

Good luck with what lies ahead, and let us know about new ideas you come up with in the future, and how everything turns out.

You are an innovator!

here's an example of how this can work. This is the only direct negative I've gotten (outside of that cousin who's opinion I specifically asked for)

"hmmmmmmmm!not sure what to say except u need prayers"

then a few minutes later:

"GOD MADE U A MAN NOT a WOMAN WHAT ARE U TRYING TO BE?????????????????????????"

To which I replied:

"Friend, I appreciate your prayers but I don't think you really want to debate this with me. No minds will be changed and much time will be wasted. That said, be advised that I personally love a good argument and am VERY capable of defending my position.

But rather than wasting effort talking past each other, why don't we just let it be that your view has been expressed and your offer to pray for me is gratefully accepted, okay?"

the next day he sent this-

"ok that wil be all i'll be praying for you and thats all i have to say its your choice each to there own"

and I thought it was the end of it, but apparently he was provoked to some thought and he PM'ed me today with this:

"well i do wish you the best regardless of what every one thinks its between you and your spouse and how she feels about i do wish you the best"


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Now, I'm sure that every exchange won't end so well, but so far I find it pretty disarming when you DON'T try to change their mind or force yourself on them.