Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm coming down with a nasty flu bug, from being so cold all the time (plus I think I go outside during my Ambien dreams but I'm not sure)

Anyway I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself and something occurred to me, I am not looking forward to it. Before hrt, I secretly liked getting the flu because of the way it hits every single last  nerve in the body. Sure it's miserable, but you can freaking FEEL. Prior to hormones I was so emotionally numb that as strange as it sounds, I kind of enjoyed those uncontrollable, full body shivering and shaking sensations. It's not an attention thing, because I'm all alone and I know you kids don't really care, lol.

Not anymore, I feel plenty already. It's going to be a long couple days. So are there any other recovered masochists out there?  :angel:

It was one of my strangest fantasies as a teenager. I had come out to M&D that I was female. It didn't go down well. My Dad (whom I loved deeply) was an ex-paratrooper (UK WWII). I use to dream of being a paratrooper. Being shot and waking in a hospital with nurse telling me my testicles had been destroyed and I would have to live as a woman. Beating back tears I would sadly agree.
I know its not the same Becca, it just brought it back. Have a safe few days, keep warm and get well soon.

Cindy

the part of this thread that interests me most is the part about feeling emotionally dead inside for me and for the longest time this is how i felt i couldnt connect with people at all except in the most basic of ways it all seamed like acting playing rolls. For the longest time i thought i was a socialpath (spelling) i wonder if this is a common trans experience ive seen it expressed a couple of times here
jessica

That's really compelling Cindy, I had similar fantasies as a child and actually acted on them once. I'm interested in hearing more stories like that, as I bet they're pretty common and not really talked about outside of therapy.

Sociopaths don't usually sit around wondering if they're sociopaths, so I think you're okay darlin  ;)

I have enough injuries and scars. I don't need to fantasize about feeling ill  :P

Strange what brings thoughts back. Long time ago as well. Suppressed memories. I remember wrestling with neighbour hood friends, I was about seven, typical stuff. I managed to get a stick over my boy area, his body weight pressed it in. I screamed, taken to hospital to have stiches in the groin. I knew what I was doing sort of. We are looking at 49years ago now!
Lord why didn't my parents catch on, I was so much into accidental groin injury that now a days I would be under care. It's all coming flooding back. God some of these thoughts are old. Never seen the light of day. 

Coupling up a torch battery to the bed room lamp. Except the battery was between my legs (don't ask for the logic). Threw me across the room. Fused the house. Balls still there. 

Sorry for the speech becca, this is just streaming through my brain. I took up free style karate at Uni, I was a light fly weight. Loved fighting free style. Never wore a box. Got a reputation for it. I was kicked in the groin every fight, so much it stopped hurting. It ended up being an advantage as my oppenents were so concentrated on kicking me in the balls they left their heads unprotected. I had no trouble smashing faces. For some reason they really liked kicking each other in the balls. Macho stuff. Take note Nero and Lachlen  :laugh:         

Goddess this brings back thoughts. Accidently getting trapped in the violin strings. I'm not sure how that was explained, I remember now I need stiches again. You'd have thought some one would have caught on. I went to an all male Christian Bros school. Evil bastards. I always volunteered to be the female in the school play. I recommended that we should have friday night ball room classes with the local girls school. Me and a few other "fairies' attended. Nice girls though I remember that, they were as shy as us and even had my first date. I remember so well, I was cured. I thanked God. I was normal. Hadn't even kissed her. Never did. Her name was Frances. She would have been tiny 'cos she was smaller than me. I felt such a stud. Never even kissed her.  I split with her one friday night. I was wearing my sisters bra and panties under my jeans and sweater. She was wearing a really nice dress. I think she had bought it especially.
I broke her heart.
So sad. Sorry Frances whether you may be. I hope you found the man of your dreams. And loved well and long.

Sorry Becca

That was a bit of an emotional ride. Shortly after that I went out en femme and was raped. I think I've been repressing lots of stuff. Glad to have it out.
Sweet dreams my sister

Cindy                   

im sorry this happened to you cindy
jessica

In a way, so I can be pampered during. This was one of the things I liked about being a girl - it's cute when a girl is sick, not as cute when you're a boy.

I like getting slightly sick because it gives me the excuse to be free of this worlds chains sometimes...


I can watch cartoons in secret, get food made for me, and draw all day.


My mom can't really do that anymore though, so now being sick is misery (Cause I'm in school)... But if I were home it would be excellent.

Never as good as the old days though... Where she would microwave me a Tinas burrito and I'd eat that, watch the Rugrats or Unsolved Mysteries or other shows about MURDER and SCIENCE, and draw my characters in piece.

The only issue then was my sickness, and being afraid of snipers and running back to the kitchen for more salsa... So I'd crawl under the windows in fear. That was when I was 12. That time was heaven, I don't know why I didn't know that...

Although, I did stay home a lot in order to avoid private school where I'd get into fights... So I don't know D:

QuoteI secretly liked getting the flu

You are sick.

Quote from: Nero on December 07, 2009, 04:49:54 AM
In a way, so I can be pampered during. This was one of the things I liked about being a girl - it's cute when a girl is sick, not as cute when you're a boy.

Hah, how true.

I used to like getting sick when I was younger because it meant I could stay home and draw or play video games all day. It's not fun when you're freelance, though.

Quote from: lisagurl on December 07, 2009, 04:32:21 PM
You are sick.

I was very sick, yes. Apparently I'm not the only one either  :D

I've noticed that as I get into more stressful situations, I start feeling/acting more femininely as my level of distress goes up. It's like I have no masculine responses programmed for stressors past a certain point. A good example of this is my first roller-coaster ride, where I thought I was going to fall out and plummet 50-something metres to my death; there was no boy-mode at that moment, and it took an hour for it to re-establish.

Truthfully speaking, I don't really 'like' these moments; but it is a little soothing to know which side is the default setting. ^_^

Quote from: Luna! on December 07, 2009, 10:02:04 PM
I've noticed that as I get into more stressful situations, I start feeling/acting more femininely as my level of distress goes up. It's like I have no masculine responses programmed for stressors past a certain point. A good example of this is my first roller-coaster ride, where I thought I was going to fall out and plummet 50-something metres to my death; there was no boy-mode at that moment, and it took an hour for it to re-establish.

Truthfully speaking, I don't really 'like' these moments; but it is a little soothing to know which side is the default setting. ^_^

That is fascinating... One of the best lines I've ever heard about being trans...


I remember crying if my dad didn't say goodbye every day...




But yeah

With me its hope and stress... And the more I get shucked or stripped away and my defenses are gone, the real, naked me is. And I'll act more and more feminine the more tired I get, or drunker, etc....

QuoteDo I like getting sick?  Hell no.

I love feeling healthy, everything in harmony like a well maintained natural part of the world. I think the problem is that society and culture are sick. Cell phones, TV, traffic, pollution, too many sick people, work no one likes, and consumption in place of feeling good. 

That was a doozy, and not the good kind. Everything just hurt and leaked and made funny sounds without the body shaking earth trembling hot and cold sweats and shivers. I have to admit I feel a little robbed.

It's my own fault, I've lived in Oregon for a couple years now and still don't have proper winter clothes. I'd like some footy pajamas but they never last very long.

Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me  :angel:

I have physical problems that translate to "constant pain".
This comes with a little problem.
People who don't have constant pain don't seem to grok how pain can be constant.
They can't help but to stop taking your complaints seriously, because they're constant!
They expect you to have good days.
A good day for me is when I can get out of bed un under 30 minutes...

So... when I get sick... Visibly sick. Measurably Sick. Then.. a part of me is actually quite happy.. because for a little while, people actually acknowledge that I'm sick...
It's nice..

Quote from: CindyJames on December 07, 2009, 03:28:47 AM
I use to dream of being a paratrooper. Being shot and waking in a hospital with nurse telling me my testicles had been destroyed and I would have to live as a woman. Beating back tears I would sadly agree.

Wow - I just found this thread.

I hope you are well on the road to recovery now Becca. I had swine flu when it was rather a new thing. Didn't bother with the antivirals though cos the make you nauseous.

Cindy - I thought I was the only one who had a crazy fantasy dream like that. In my case I used to dream that I had somehow caught a new disease which would destroy my maleness and make me proper girl. I was only about 8 so how I had any notions about DNA and gene therapy I don't really know. But I used to dream this dream almost every night.

When I get ill I tend to be the strong silent type. I don't do drama or self pity. I just go to bed and curl up with plenty of hot drinks and try to sleep it off.

Maybe I'm an untypical female in this respect I don't know, but even when I had SRS I refused pain killers. I just meditated and tried my best to block out the discomfort. It wasn't too bad and it only lasted about a week.

Quote from: Miniar on December 10, 2009, 05:29:33 PM
I have physical problems that translate to "constant pain".
This comes with a little problem.
People who don't have constant pain don't seem to grok how pain can be constant.
They can't help but to stop taking your complaints seriously, because they're constant!
They expect you to have good days.
A good day for me is when I can get out of bed un under 30 minutes...

So... when I get sick... Visibly sick. Measurably Sick. Then.. a part of me is actually quite happy.. because for a little while, people actually acknowledge that I'm sick...
It's nice..

I hear you! I spent years being in constant pain but have been better recently. Although I think that if a healthy person were to jump into my body they would probably feel pain, I call it 'discomfort' because I'm so used to it. But yes, when I get the flu or something and people acknowledge that I'm sick it's weird because I'm always sick (chronic illness) and a flu is nothing in comparison... it's nice but at the same time it also pisses me off a bit. But I've come to accept that they can't possibly know what it's like and that's just the way it is.