Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know guys aren't supposed to talk about their feelings (*joking! :D ) but I was wondering how T affects how you feel.  Do you feel more "manly"?  Some of the things I've read, a few people have said they felt angrier or more aggressive or hornier or more confident. 

My anger turned to irritation only. i have only been on it a short while tho. Only other thing is, it just feels 'right' somehow.

very horny :D :D :D but not 'more manly' Never been an angry dude either. it takes a lot 2 piss me off.  :icon_boxing: :icon_boxing: :icon_chainsaw: :icon_chainsaw: :D :D

i feel a lot more confident and im happier with my appearance than ive ever been.  ive always been pretty short tempered, but in my moms words, im "a lot less bitchy now".  i dont feel more manly at all.  infact, ive realized that im a lot less manly than i initially thought.

i noticed when i first started taking T my anger was quick and short lived...but i've been a lot more aware of it now and i have learned to control it before it happens...i can express anger a lot easier...im far less "emotional"...i cant cry but i suppose before T/my transition i was miserable so getting emotionally upset was a common occurance...my confidence and overall happiness has sky-rocketed...and yea im horny all the time too...which is good and bad...but i've never felt better and more "whole" in my entirety of my life

Quote from: jmaxley on December 13, 2009, 09:36:17 PM
I know guys aren't supposed to talk about their feelings (*joking! :D ) but I was wondering how T affects how you feel.  Do you feel more "manly"?  Some of the things I've read, a few people have said they felt angrier or more aggressive or hornier or more confident.

True story:

Before HRT, everything by Army of Lovers (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Army_of_Lovers) and Marc Almond's disco / dance-oriented albums were "too gay" for me.  Now?  It's like I understand it.  Well, OK, maybe not "understand", but suddenly it got good and stopped scaring me.


Another true story:

I'm in a band.  I'm a singer in said band.  When the band first formed, I was still pre-everything and figured that, being a singer (and having tits the size of my head), it might be best to let the other guys know what was in the works for the next year.  The boys were fine, my guitarist has even become one of my greatest allies in this (even though sometimes I have to explain things slowly -- but he's like Mexican Skwissgaar), but I've had fifteen years of voice training and they all remembered puberty, so knew it was no big deal, as long as I maintained breathing exercises and knew how to channel the new voice.

Nearly a year had passed before I finally got my first testosterone shot, and by that time, the band was back to just me and Skwissgaar.  The day I got the shot at my doctor's office (which is a funny and true story, in and of itself), I called up my guitarist after I got home, thinking "yeah, I should call him, too, so he can get an idea on how to gauge this."  The convo went as thus:

"So, Rod, I got my first testosterone shot today."

"Huh?  Oh yeah!  Wow!  You really did it, huh?"

"Yeah, just like surgery four months ago.  So, yeah, just figured you should know I might be squeakin in the next few months."

"Can you feel it?"

"Well...  the injection area feels like I got punched in the thigh, but that's the nature of IM's."

"Well, I mean can you feel it working?"

o_O  "OK, Rod...  Do you remember puberty?  Hormones work like that, not like cocaine."

"Oh yeah!  HAHAHA!!!  You're going through puberty again!"

"Well, glad we got that all sorted out.  See you at practise this Sunday?"



As to "more aggressive"?  I think that's a crock.  I'm another person to add to the currently-forming list of people who can report a personal notice of decreased anger (mine has always been short-lived -- serious, and if nothing else, this may have kept fights with friends and others going far longer cos I just can't figure out why I'm the only person i know, male or female, who is almost never actively angry for more than an hour at a time, nor do i hold grudges; never have)

"More confident" has almost nothing to do with the very presence of testosterone, and more to do with a person's satisfaction with finally taking it.  After all, men are the "suicide sex", and that's typically not a trait of demographic groups that have significantly higher confidence -- men, on average, are three to ten times more likely than women to actually commit suicide:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_rate (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_rate)

I can safely report "hornier", but science has also proved a link between testosterone and libido, so I was expecting that.  What i wasn't expecting was spending an entire weekend "looking at photos by myself".  I had a pretty high libido previously, along with a pretty regular schedule of "alone time", just never to that extent.

Yes. But like many, I've actually noted a huge decrease in anger and aggression. I was an ->-bleeped-<- on estrogen. It brought out the worst in me. Now, I'm calm and level headed. And nicer.  :laugh: T has only made me feel more 'manly' in terms that hairier limbs and stubble makes me feel more manly. There really is a certain physicality factor for me. Testosterone has gotten a bad rap. Men are scarier under the influence of estrogen, I believe.

I am far calmer, more zen, relaxed, not as irritable or angry, no anxiety (well a whole lot less anxiety so it's barely noticeable), no depression.  I finally feel NORMAL.  No mood swings, more confident, and oh yeah horny as hell.  But I was very horny pre-T anyway.


Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on December 14, 2009, 08:56:12 AM
I am far calmer, more zen, relaxed, not as irritable or angry, no anxiety (well a whole lot less anxiety so it's barely noticeable), no depression.  I finally feel NORMAL.  No mood swings, more confident, and oh yeah horny as hell.  But I was very horny pre-T anyway.


Jay

Yeah for me, the horniness hasn't really increased but changed. Balanced out. Before, I would get crazy periods where I was like an animal in heat and literally had to get off about 10x a day or more. I usually masturbated about 3x a day on estrogen. It was extreme. Then there would be periods where I didn't need to for several days. Now it's about once a day and balanced. The female reproductive cycle is gone and no longer drives me sexually. On estrogen I had a crazy, unruly cycling demand; now on T, I'm in control. Maybe it's different for cismales, I don't know. T is supposed to make you insatiable sexually, but it's actually put me in check.

Quote from: Nero on December 14, 2009, 09:09:41 AM
Yeah for me, the horniness hasn't really increased but changed. Balanced out. Before, I would get crazy periods where I was like an animal in heat and literally had to get off about 10x a day or more. I usually masturbated about 3x a day on estrogen. It was extreme. Then there would be periods where I didn't need to for several days. Now it's about once a day and balanced. The female reproductive cycle is gone and no longer drives me sexually. On estrogen I had a crazy, unruly cycling demand; now on T, I'm in control. Maybe it's different for cismales, I don't know. T is supposed to make you insatiable sexually, but it's actually put me in check.

Well, it would make sense, considering that cisgender women do get spikes of T every so often. Not sure if an MTF on estrogen would experience that, but it's a possibility they probably do. I hear right before a period you get a spike of testosterone, which would make sense because before I had my last one I felt less stressed out and my sex drive came back.

I feel way hornier and less emotional.  Happier overall but I think that's more related to the fact that people just see me as a guy now and not because of the actual hormone.  I'm not more or less angry but how I express anger is different.  It's the only emotion I really let people see, and I let everyone know how pissed off I am.  I'm much more comfortable with my body now too

Thanks for the replies, guys.  I'm a bit worried about the horniness, I stay horny a lot as it is, lol.  I stay moody a LOT too, I wonder if it would help that.

I finally mentioned to my therapist and pdoc about my gender issues, so here's to hoping I can get on T.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 14, 2009, 07:14:40 PMThanks for the replies, guys.  I'm a bit worried about the horniness, I stay horny a lot as it is, lol.

Six weeks into HRT, I managed to sprain my wrist doing "that" -- you know, "alone with photos".  My doctor laughed, then realised I was serious and laughed harder (she's been my doctor since I was fifteen, at this point, she's practically "the blunt aunt" or something, in function).

Serious, fear the libido.

Other than that, don't sweat it.

QuoteI feel way hornier and less emotional.  Happier overall but I think that's more related to the fact that people just see me as a guy now and not because of the actual hormone

Ditto.
I think I feel more confident and less emotional but only because ppl are now seeing me as the guy I am

I have another T question...how does it affect weight loss?  I've read it's easier to gain muscle (I've been working out for several months and have gained some muscle but...darn it, I can't tell just by looking!  ::) Must have more muscle mass!)  Is it easier to lose fat?  I'm overweight by quite a bit and the working out and calorie cutting doesn't really seem to have any effect. :P  At least my weight is carried more around the stomach than the hips, thighs, and butt (though there's still more there than I'd like).

Quote from: jmaxley on December 15, 2009, 06:52:47 PM
I have another T question...how does it affect weight loss?  I've read it's easier to gain muscle (I've been working out for several months and have gained some muscle but...darn it, I can't tell just by looking!  ::) Must have more muscle mass!)  Is it easier to lose fat?  I'm overweight by quite a bit and the working out and calorie cutting doesn't really seem to have any effect. :P  At least my weight is carried more around the stomach than the hips, thighs, and butt (though there's still more there than I'd like).

Yes, testosterone increases muscle mass and therefore weight gain as well. Your muscles passively burn energy off.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 15, 2009, 06:52:47 PM
I have another T question...how does it affect weight loss?  I've read it's easier to gain muscle (I've been working out for several months and have gained some muscle but...darn it, I can't tell just by looking!  ::) Must have more muscle mass!)  Is it easier to lose fat?  I'm overweight by quite a bit and the working out and calorie cutting doesn't really seem to have any effect. :P  At least my weight is carried more around the stomach than the hips, thighs, and butt (though there's still more there than I'd like).

I think the question to fat loss has a little more to do with one's family history than testosterone on its own.

Testosterone will definitely shift fat around (from hips, butt and thighs to belly, mostly), but it won't suddenly raise one's metabolism where they can eat any quantity of anything and watch the pounds just melt away.

The last time I was at the doctor before this last Thursday (my most recent appointment) was in early August, and my doctor noticed a drop of ten pounds since then with minimum effort on my part -- I've just started walking a little more and cut out most non-diet sodas.  I've been on testosterone a little over a year and honestly, I have no recollection of how hard it was to drop ten pounds before, because my efforts tended to make absolutely no progress; I do know that even prior, I was considered pretty muscular for somebody biologically female.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 15, 2009, 06:52:47 PM
I have another T question...how does it affect weight loss?  I've read it's easier to gain muscle (I've been working out for several months and have gained some muscle but...darn it, I can't tell just by looking!  ::) Must have more muscle mass!)  Is it easier to lose fat?  I'm overweight by quite a bit and the working out and calorie cutting doesn't really seem to have any effect. :P  At least my weight is carried more around the stomach than the hips, thighs, and butt (though there's still more there than I'd like).

yeah it's waaay easier to gain muscle.  before T, I couldn't get above 115 pounds no matter how hard I tried.  a few months on T and I was up to 125 and it's pretty much all muscle.  I've heard it's easier to lose fat as well

2 months on T now.

Agression...not decreased, but different. Before I would go completely flying off the wall at someone, over-the-top emotional, and then brood about it for a good day at least. Now, instead of getting hit with insult/sadness/hysteria/anger/etc all at once, I generally only just feel strong annoyance or brief anger. I find I'm less likely to brood over things, and while I do get angry, I find that I'm MUCH more likely to handle it civilly. It also seems to have given me a thicker skin of sorts...it's a bit harder to hit a nerve now.

Sensitivity...I can't cry. At all. The most emotional, heart-wrenching moment of the whole two months (which at the time was also with me sleep deprived, overworked, and in-the-gutter depressed) only managed to urk out two "pseudo-tears", which was about enough to moisten my eyes. Then, gone. This is a HUGE change as I was always a very melodramatic, crybaby person, whether I wanted to be or not.

Confidence...as others said, I would chalk this less up to the T itself and more as a side effect of passing more as the correct sex. I didn't notice any real confidence boosts up 'til my voice started cracking and I started getting "sir'd" more often. I've also noticed some slight body fat distro, mostly facially, that helps with me being read better.

Libido...dear lord help me. So....horny...



As for other questions...I've gained 12 pounds in 2 months while on T, up to about 150 lbs at 5'4". My appetite has gone up, a lot, and generally I'm more active so I find I need to eat more. Problem is my metabolism hasn't spiked near as much. I have noticed some ~slight~ muscle build-up in my arms. I'm also starting to go to the gym in hopes I can get in shape and drop the pounds before top surgery.

Oh--and a small note. I actually had my endo try to make sure I couldn't get my T script renewed last week, because he realized my therapist isn't local to me (I don't have ready transportation to a local one, so opted for online as it's easier to access), citing that Testosterone could send me into a blind rage and fury like hell hath no other, and he would prefer I have someone local to talk to in case I fly off the handle. Never mind I have been on T for 2 months with no ill effects. Unfortunately he is the only endo in the area that I can get an appt. with...so if you guys have any links to medical crap citing the whole "roid rage" for FtMs is myth, please post em up or shoot me links.

Quote from: Chamillion on December 15, 2009, 10:16:07 PM
yeah it's waaay easier to gain muscle.  before T, I couldn't get above 115 pounds no matter how hard I tried.  a few months on T and I was up to 125 and it's pretty much all muscle.  I've heard it's easier to lose fat as well

That gives me some hope then as I can't get passed 115 lbs either.

my one friend said I seem "warmer"

Mentally, the most prominent changes I've noticed, are I'm no longer as "open" with my feelings as I once was prior to T. Don't get me wrong, I still have a huge heart, I guess it's just harder to express things now. Which is different to me, because before T, I was pretty much an open book with my feelings.
And my anger, is definitely more short fused, than before. I had a pretty hard battle with anger issues in my early teenage years. I would bottle everything inside, and burst sporadically, usually resulting in numerous holes all over my bedroom. I'm not punching holes in walls these days, but I don't bottle things up anymore. My anger usually comes out, on the spot, to whatever the case may be.

Not a whole lot different, other than what a lot have already said: calmer.  More level headed.  Less violent.  Much, much less violent.  I still get angry, but... it's not as deep as before, I am able to deal with it (without breaking things) and move on.  It doesn't fester and result in an explosion like it used to.

I've never been open with my feelings.  Sometimes I think that, on T, I'm more willing to share things.  But then I realize that it's only with a select few people, and I realize it's probably more because of them than the T.  With previous friends, I was still struggling with things (trans-related) and shut a large part of myself off from everybody.  I had no words for my feelings, anyways.  But these friends, they are the first people who know about me--and are OK with it--so I'm more willing to talk.  I still don't talk about feelings or personal stuff much, but it's a lot more than before (since I'm comparing it to 'never').

I responded here to comments about T and aggression. My response got VERY long and was usurping this thread, so I started a new thread over in HRT. Here's the link for anyone who wants it:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,69622.msg471717.html#msg471717 (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,69622.msg471717.html#msg471717)

Quote from: Nero on December 14, 2009, 09:09:41 AM
I usually masturbated about 3x a day on estrogen. It was extreme.

Um... this is "extreme" ?! ;)

Quote from: Christian >.> on December 16, 2009, 04:11:58 AMUnfortunately he is the only endo in the area that I can get an appt. with...so if you guys have any links to medical crap citing the whole "roid rage" for FtMs is myth, please post em up or shoot me links.

Technically it's not. Steroids and T are basically the same thing (...I did an essay on the topic of steroids, actually. Gee, wonder why...lol)
however:
1) while it's heard of, and reported, it's not exactly common (if it was, about half the highschool football team would be killing their girlfriends)
2) the hormones/steroids can 'unmask' underlying disorders. Meaning if you already have anger control issues* you might want to be getting help for that too
3) site http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/roid-rage-14-questions-and-answers (http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/roid-rage-14-questions-and-answers)

I had other sources, but most of them were on depression effects and the masculinizing (is that a word?) effects in women (..that's kinda what we're looking for eh?)

Your doctor is clearly uneducated...

*yeah maybe I should take my own advice

Quote from: Nero on December 14, 2009, 08:09:14 AM
...Men are scarier under the influence of estrogen, I believe.

*hugs Nero*

Quote from: insanitylives on December 17, 2009, 06:24:25 PM
Technically it's not. Steroids and T are basically the same thing (...I did an essay on the topic of steroids, actually. Gee, wonder why...lol)
however:
1) while it's heard of, and reported, it's not exactly common (if it was, about half the highschool football team would be killing their girlfriends)
2) the hormones/steroids can 'unmask' underlying disorders. Meaning if you already have anger control issues* you might want to be getting help for that too
3) site http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/roid-rage-14-questions-and-answers (http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/roid-rage-14-questions-and-answers)

I had other sources, but most of them were on depression effects and the masculinizing (is that a word?) effects in women (..that's kinda what we're looking for eh?)

Your doctor is clearly uneducated...

*yeah maybe I should take my own advice

On top of that, the goal is to have our testosterone levels raised to a healthy male level. Whether it's estrogen or testosterone, it's bad to have your levels outside the norm for male or female. Roid rage is only going to happen if they're out of control.

On T, I'm much calmer than I used to be. I do still get angry, of course, but whereas prior to T the anger wouldn't dissipate for hours, sometimes days, now it does quite quickly. I can't cry nearly as easily, but I see this as a good thing. Prior to T, I would cry every time I got angry, which was really problematic... people saw me as weak, etc. I'm pretty certain that the fact I feel so much better about myself in terms of being a dude is due to the fact that I look like I should now, and people perceive me as I want them to, rather than being due to the T itself. Oh, and sex drive... at least 10 times higher than before. It never stops.

SD

Quote from: Sebastien on December 17, 2009, 11:27:24 PM
Prior to T, I would cry every time I got angry, which was really problematic... people saw me as weak, etc.

SD

God, me too. It used to drive me crazy. There I was all pissed off and giving someone hell and tears would be rolling down my face. Now I don't get as extremely angry (maybe less frustrated and more pure pissed off) and I can simply give them hell and have done with it.

I've read about FtM's being all bothered because they cry less. For me it's a blessing because it pretty well only happened when I was mad and completely destroyed my credibility while I was being mad. Which made me madder....

Horny, yes, crying less, yes. Otherwise the main effect has been looking in the mirror and seeing me and not somebody I wasn't expecting. I might be a little less prone to empathy than I was, at least I'm less likely to be sucked in by a sob story. Otherwise, I'm still the same person. Friends tell me I seem more content and happier.

Dennis

Sex drive and anger.. thats the only diff..

Jay

I'm lots hornier, less patient, somewhat more aggressive (but not violent), and starting to be happier in myself. I feel emotionally stronger. How much any of this has to do with T, directly, is anybody's guess.

I wonder when my sex drive will settle down a bit. It's been over ten months.

Quote from: FlorDeLuna on December 17, 2009, 05:53:17 PM

Um... this is "extreme" ?! ;)

Oh, I meant the general pattern. It would get a lot worse than that at the peak of the cycle. Now I feel more in control of it. Take care of it once, and I'm usually set for the day.

I've found after 4 months that I'm much much less emotional, which is great for me, because my moodiness was a real problem. Now i tend to just get angry about something, sort it out, and then its over. Before I used to mull over something all day, it was ridiculous. I am a little more impatient and I am finding that sometimes i have trouble understnding hy my girlfriend gets upset or sensitive, as I dn't see what the big deal is. I'm finding that I need to keep that in check and remember how it feels. The other thing is that I dont think incessantly all day anymore, there is much lss going on, and for that I am grateful.

I'm... shyer.   :embarrassed: But I'm not sure if it's the T or being in this ambiguous state where I don't know what people are seeing. And as much as I can say I don't care in theory, it just makes me nervous.

Quote from: Nero on December 21, 2009, 04:23:14 PM
I'm... shyer.   :embarrassed: But I'm not sure if it's the T or being in this ambiguous state where I don't know what people are seeing. And as much as I can say I don't care in theory, it just makes me nervous.

I'm sorry, Nero. :( Some guys just take longer than others.

Someone mentioned moods. I have fought depression for most of my life. Sometimes it has been worse than at other times, but it's always been there in one form or another. And I get seasonal depression, too. I even have a lightbox to help me with that. But my moods are much more modulated now. I was getting a mood trough at the end of my shot cycle, so I switched to half a dose once a week. The mood swings went away. Miraculous.

After starting HRT, I feel so much more stable, even though my whole life right now is immensely unstable. Sure, I have my bad days, but they're situational. So I'm more stable, more confident, more able to deal with the monkey wrenches in my life. As I said before, some of this could be due to transition and not T alone. But I think that much of my non-depression comes from the hormones.

I would love it if the T helps stabilize my moods and lessen the depression.  I've been going through older threads here (on page 30 now!) and keep coming across how the brain is wired for a certain "fuel" (estrogen or testosterone).  It really makes sense to me.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 21, 2009, 09:03:08 PM
I would love it if the T helps stabilize my moods and lessen the depression.  I've been going through older threads here (on page 30 now!) and keep coming across how the brain is wired for a certain "fuel" (estrogen or testosterone).  It really makes sense to me.

Even if your brain isn't "wired" for T, (I have no opinion on the subject 'cause I have no evidence to draw from), you might very well get some benefit. And transition itself can be a terrific mood boost.

Agreed with Arch. I wouldn't approach T as if it was an antidepressant...the general idea that you are slowly becoming more comfortable with yourself can help your mood, as well as the difference in estrogen anger vs testosterone anger. T won't fix actual mood disorders though, so if your depression is caused by more than just your GID, don't expect it to poof away.

Quote from: Christian >.> on December 22, 2009, 01:02:50 AM
Agreed with Arch. I wouldn't approach T as if it was an antidepressant...the general idea that you are slowly becoming more comfortable with yourself can help your mood, as well as the difference in estrogen anger vs testosterone anger. T won't fix actual mood disorders though, so if your depression is caused by more than just your GID, don't expect it to poof away.

Pretty much. I have quite a few disorders that I don't expect to go away. I think my anxiety is linked to GID, so maybe that will go away, but it can be hard to tell what is caused by GID and what isn't. So I, myself, am trying not to have unrealistic expectations. If it happens then it happens, but I do expect good to come out of it.

Yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that T isn't going to fix everything.  I'm not even sure it'll fix anything, since I still have some doubts (though I'm sure of one thing--I am NOT a woman)...Is this what I really want to do?  Maybe I'm more an androgyne?  Wouldn't it be easier to just live as a female?  And...OMG, what will people (family, job, church) think when they find out?  I have really bad social anxiety so this last one...oi.

I do take an antidepressant which really helps and am already seeing a therapist.  I finally told her and my psychiatrist about the gender issues and they seemed understanding.  Huge step there for me!

it's one week on T now, counting today, and honestly, I don't know what it's doing so far.. I doubt every thought that goes through my head considering the T as possible cause for whatever I'm noticing going on (scratchy throat, occasional spot in the complexion, hornyness, etc)...

So, on T so far, I feel more "erratic" in my thoughts, but only marginally, but also.. I'm less stressed because I'm no longer fighting to "get" the T.

But at 7 days, I can't know what is psychosomatic and what's the T.

Quote from: Miniar on December 23, 2009, 06:45:30 AM
it's one week on T now, counting today, and honestly, I don't know what it's doing so far.. I doubt every thought that goes through my head considering the T as possible cause for whatever I'm noticing going on (scratchy throat, occasional spot in the complexion, hornyness, etc)...

So, on T so far, I feel more "erratic" in my thoughts, but only marginally, but also.. I'm less stressed because I'm no longer fighting to "get" the T.

But at 7 days, I can't know what is psychosomatic and what's the T.

Gratz, BTW.

I think I'm going to be the same way on my first few weeks. I'm sure the relief will help some, though.

Quote from: jmaxley on December 22, 2009, 08:32:20 PM
Yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that T isn't going to fix everything.  I'm not even sure it'll fix anything, since I still have some doubts (though I'm sure of one thing--I am NOT a woman)...Is this what I really want to do?  Maybe I'm more an androgyne?  Wouldn't it be easier to just live as a female?  And...OMG, what will people (family, job, church) think when they find out?  I have really bad social anxiety so this last one...oi.

I do take an antidepressant which really helps and am already seeing a therapist.  I finally told her and my psychiatrist about the gender issues and they seemed understanding.  Huge step there for me!

Yeah, I know some of my anxiety isn't gender related either. Then again, one disorder can make more disorders, but I think that just leads to over thinking. I'm starting to think I may have enough, though, to go on disability.

I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

At any rate, I hope you get through it. I know how much it can suck, especially if it has a snowball effect.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 07:24:49 AM
I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

Not me. If I missed a day, my brain chemistry got all out of whack and I would not feel right. In addition, I would have the strangest, most realistic dreams imaginable. That part was actually kind of cool.

Quote from: Arch on December 23, 2009, 07:22:53 PM
Not me. If I missed a day, my brain chemistry got all out of whack and I would not feel right. In addition, I would have the strangest, most realistic dreams imaginable. That part was actually kind of cool.

Kind of sounds like me when I'm sleep deprived.

I'm really starting to think I have an immunity to pills to some degree. Maybe I should bring it up with my doctor.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 07:25:58 PM
I'm really starting to think I have an immunity to pills to some degree. Maybe I should bring it up with my doctor.

Not to hijack the thread, but if you're talking about antidepressants, some don't work for some people. You have to experiment.

And then transition and hope that you stabilize a bit!

Quote from: Arch on December 23, 2009, 07:33:25 PM
Not to hijack the thread, but if you're talking about antidepressants, some don't work for some people. You have to experiment.

And then transition and hope that you stabilize a bit!

I've been on all sorts of hard antidepressants since I was 14 which is why I'm concerned. Maybe transition will do it, but it's worth bringing up.

And yes, sorry to hijack it a bit, we tend to do this often.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 07:24:49 AM

I take an antidepressant that's also used for sleeping pills and anxiety, but I think it's doing more harm. I didn't take one yesterday because I missed it, but I actually kind of feel good without it. Anyone ever have that?

Yeah, I've had that happen before.  It's taken years to find one that worked for me (my current shrink switched to a different class of meds--the SSRIs just weren't doing the job).  It's really made a difference.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 07:42:26 PM
I've been on all sorts of hard antidepressants since I was 14 which is why I'm concerned. Maybe transition will do it, but it's worth bringing up.

And yes, sorry to hijack it a bit, we tend to do this often.

I think it's okay; all of this is sort of on topic.

Transition plus what my therapist calls "internal work" can work wonders for your moods. It might not be the T per se that actually works the magic, but I have gone through a profound improvement in the past year or so. I can't say for sure how much is hormonal and how much is transition as a whole.

I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence? I sure did. I feel that I had a hormonal imbalance or maybe my brain just didn't like the hormonal fuel it was getting. But at the same time, it's possible that my depression was largely due to all of the other physical changes I was going through that weren't congruent with my self-perception.

No matter how you slice it, I feel different now, and T is part of that equation.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:12:23 AM
I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

*raises hand*  That's also when all the anxiety crap started up.

That is when the depression got bad but not when it started. 

Quote from: LordKAT on December 24, 2009, 03:47:37 PM
That is when the depression got bad but not when it started.

I've always had a melancholy streak, but I was fourteen and had just started bleeding (I was a late bloomer) when I noticed that I had a real problem. Now I hope the worst of the depression is gone for good, but I give it another year or so before I'll feel sure.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 04:58:18 PM
I've always had a melancholy streak, but I was fourteen and had just started bleeding (I was a late bloomer) when I noticed that I had a real problem. Now I hope the worst of the depression is gone for good, but I give it another year or so before I'll feel sure.

Started bleeding in 4th grade along with a lot of pain. I think the pain added to the depression as much if not more than the bleeding did. I was upset enough at not being counted with the boys when not at home as I was to find out that my body really wasn't mine.  Lot more to that story and enough for a book.

2 Months on T now and the pain isn't improved but the bleeding is different, darker and more ...gooey? I know TMI  I can't wait til March when I will never ever have to deal with pap exams and bleeding and that pain ever again. I am wondering if that will ease the depression factor a bit.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:12:23 AM
I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

Add me to the list. I've generally been a happy kid, I've got an easy life and nice parents. But I started to become more bitter and melancholy, starting with breast development. Made me inexplicably angry at the time, and gave my mom a hell of a time when she tried to get me to wear a bra. It was an injustice, and I had to rebel. The bleeding at 14 was worse, it was really depressing. Now I don't get so depressed.

Now my personality has taken a turn towards the bitter, sarcastic, melancholy and emotionless. Although I don't know how much of that is caused by GID as opposed to natural maturation.

Puberty didn't agree with me one bit - but I was able to remain stable just enough to function until it came time to get on "the pill" (at 17).

Then it all went downhill from there. Non-functioning, unable to hold down a job, almost institutionalized, a cocktail of strong meds (anti-depressant, anti-psyhcotics, mood stabalizers, etc). I was told that I'd never function well enough to be independant as an adult, I'd always want to kill myself, and my "mental fog" was permanant. They said I'd be in and out of institutions, I'd only get worse, and I'd need therapy and meds for the rest of my life.

I kept saying the estrogen didn't agree with me. They wouldn't listen. They kept telling me I should feel much better with "normal" levels of female hormones. Apparently only getting "spotting" for a few days every 3 months ment I was hormonally out of whack, and needed to be "corrected" (but it wasn't grounds for believing me about estrogen not being compatible with my system).

I tried various different pills, but spent the most amount of time on an estrogen with testosterone blockers combo. It brought about lots of horrible physical changes (and a normal XX person's cycle of HELL).

I went off said pill about 18 months ago - and started feeling clear headed for the first time in years.

About 12 months ago I completely weened off the other meds.

I didn't come out and start transition until about 9 months ago.

I've had no medical supervision for any of this... a shrink would probably chuck me in a padded room for what I've done :laugh:.

... but the proof of my concept is in the results. Since stopping the pills (all of them) and starting transition, I've been more stable than I ever could have hoped for. Functionality wise, I'm within normal parameters. I haven't even thought about self harm (let alone suicide) in 18 months. I haven't even been depressed. Angry and dysphoric within the parameters of GID, yes. But it's been different. I can pinpoint what's wrong, and I can deal with it.

According to the shrinks and doctors I've seen - this isn't possible. Yet here I am... grabbing life by the throat and shaking it like a British nanny :laugh:.

I still get a little twitchy in some social situations, and I'm still outright eccentric by normal standards. I'm still very uncomfortable in my own skin (it's purely a physical thing, and I can now identify where and why). But hey - by comparision, that's just small stuff (that can be mostly fixed via medical transition).

I spoke to an endo nurse (of 25 years experiance in an andrology clinic) earlier in the year. He said that in his experiance, it's not unusual for FTM's to be "incompatible" with estrogen. Of course, he said there hadn't been any formal studies done that he knows of, it's just what he's seen on the job.

I know we're told not to expect any mental issues to vanish with HRT, and for some part I'd say that's true. But I find it very hard to believe that T doesn't improve mental stability for at least some FTMs.

I'm pre-T, but given what E did to me (or more what going off it, dropping my E level through the floor and shutting my repo system back down did) - I'd like to think I have some idea of the mental changes that will likely happen on T  (expecting similar but "more" if you know what I mean ;D).

I was a happy, enthusiastic, friendly child who had no problems with people prior to puberty.  I remember feeling inspired, energetic, and having quite a love for the piano that I can't imagine having, now.  When the bleeding started, that stopped completely.  I don't even remember how that could be.  I was never conscious of the fact that I became miserable, depressed and uninspired after that, I just was.  I slowly regressed into my own little void.  When "puberty" itself began, with slight breast development and whatnot, I developed severe panic disorder, yet again not knowing why.  I also became extremely ashamed of my body, which was deemed natural for girls my age, and eventually refused to wear "bras" and, at one point in my past during a game in gym class (which I learned to hate thereafter), I joined the boy's team rather than the girl's.  It all makes sense now, why I have been depressed since the monthly misery began.

I wonder if I am very unusual but I didn't have any problems with puberty.  I never really focused on it too much, I was being bullied at the time and had so many other issues and things that made me happy too that puberty (and my gender itself) was bottom on my list of things to worry about.  It didn't bother me that I was female.

Its only when I hit my 20s and started being socialised as "a woman" and having sexual relationships with other people that I realised that I was trans.  Since that realisation the anxiety has been getting worse rather as jmaxley wrote - more fear of how people will treat me and if no man will ever want me again than actual fear of the transition itself.  But at the same time I can not be comfortable as a woman unless some magic wand can wave the dysphoria away again. 

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:12:23 AM
I wonder how many transguys (or transwomen, for that matter) started having depression right around the start of adolescence?

I certainly did.  I started battling depression at the age of 8 - the same year my breasts started developing.

As for how T makes me feel:  I've been on T for about 8 months now, and I feel so much calmer, happier, and more confident than I did pre-T.  I haven't had any issues with over-aggressiveness, although I did go through a phase around 5 or 6 months in when I really had to watch what I said, because I was much more likely to blurt out whatever I was thinking when I got annoyed.  :D  Interestingly enough, that tendency ended up putting me in a better place with my co-workers in a round-about way.  I got into a bit of an argument with my supervisor, which eventually simmered down to a very constructive conversation.  Now he seems to treat me with a lot more respect than he did before, and others that I work with seem to accept me better as well.  Must be a guy thing.  ;)

Quote from: Jamie-o on December 27, 2009, 04:22:56 PM
I haven't had any issues with over-aggressiveness, although I did go through a phase around 5 or 6 months in when I really had to watch what I said, because I was much more likely to blurt out whatever I was thinking when I got annoyed. 

That happened to me, too...and I'm not sure it's over yet because now I'm extra careful to think before I speak. :-\