Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Syles81 on December 18, 2009, 10:30:20 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 18, 2009, 10:30:20 AM
Post by: Syles81 on December 18, 2009, 10:30:20 AM
Is it hard or frustrating trying to find a girlfriend being trans? For me, since I'm nowhere near any transitions and never will be, I find it extremely difficult and so frustrating. Are there really straight girls out there that would go out with a person who is trans? I'll be 28 in a few days and I've never had a relationship with anyone and I feel like it will never happen, mostly because I'm not in transition and never will be. Are there trans who are not in transition and have a straight girlfriend? Or are in transition and have a girlfriend? If so, how do you meet girls?
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: rejennyrated on December 18, 2009, 05:44:30 PM
Post by: rejennyrated on December 18, 2009, 05:44:30 PM
Never give up hope.
The world has many many different people and the most unexpected relationships can happen. I'm living proof.
In my 25 postop years I have had a couple of wonderful relationships with men and two with women, one of which has now lasted for nearly 22 years. Oh - and like me she is postop MtF. Neither of us ever thought we would settle with another like ourself - but fate sometimes does funny things, and we sort of got shoved together rather against the run of play.
As for how you meet people - well these days the internet is one place to start, but really there is no substitute for getting out and going to a few clubs and places where people with your sort of interests hang out and seeing what develops.
Love won't come to you sitting in your room. If you want it you have to be prepared to go out and hunt it down! You have to risk yourself a little by opening up to people, and more than that you have to be prepared to take an interest in them as well.
The world has many many different people and the most unexpected relationships can happen. I'm living proof.
In my 25 postop years I have had a couple of wonderful relationships with men and two with women, one of which has now lasted for nearly 22 years. Oh - and like me she is postop MtF. Neither of us ever thought we would settle with another like ourself - but fate sometimes does funny things, and we sort of got shoved together rather against the run of play.
As for how you meet people - well these days the internet is one place to start, but really there is no substitute for getting out and going to a few clubs and places where people with your sort of interests hang out and seeing what develops.
Love won't come to you sitting in your room. If you want it you have to be prepared to go out and hunt it down! You have to risk yourself a little by opening up to people, and more than that you have to be prepared to take an interest in them as well.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: gqueering on December 18, 2009, 10:43:37 PM
Post by: gqueering on December 18, 2009, 10:43:37 PM
I understand your frustration, I'm sure many people here do. Do you specifically want a g/f who is heterosexual, or would you be ok with someone who was bisexual or pansexual? You may have more luck with a woman who isn't completely straight sexually.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Autumn on December 18, 2009, 11:35:09 PM
Post by: Autumn on December 18, 2009, 11:35:09 PM
If you are not in transition and never plan to be, does it matter that you are TS?
Being a stable, successful person who is pleasant to be around, and responsible, and who has the self esteem to go with the flow, not be too egotistical, but not self loathing, is what it generally takes to find a good relationship with anyone. Also not being morbidly obese and having good grooming habits.
If you are missing most or all of those qualities, then no you're not going to find a girlfriend. If you are using being TS as your reason for lack of success, it may be making an excuse for other shortcomings.
If you are a 'soft' male then you will have to find women who are interested in that kind of thing. And there are women who appreciate caring, affectionate men. The artist type. But women do not date men who look like men who act like girls, generally speaking. It doesn't provide basic needs.
Everyone's different of course, you can't blanket anything. But there's not any point to looking for a straight girl if you're trans, really. Why would you? Bi or bicurious is going to work better.
Being a stable, successful person who is pleasant to be around, and responsible, and who has the self esteem to go with the flow, not be too egotistical, but not self loathing, is what it generally takes to find a good relationship with anyone. Also not being morbidly obese and having good grooming habits.
If you are missing most or all of those qualities, then no you're not going to find a girlfriend. If you are using being TS as your reason for lack of success, it may be making an excuse for other shortcomings.
If you are a 'soft' male then you will have to find women who are interested in that kind of thing. And there are women who appreciate caring, affectionate men. The artist type. But women do not date men who look like men who act like girls, generally speaking. It doesn't provide basic needs.
Everyone's different of course, you can't blanket anything. But there's not any point to looking for a straight girl if you're trans, really. Why would you? Bi or bicurious is going to work better.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Dianna on December 18, 2009, 11:48:03 PM
Post by: Dianna on December 18, 2009, 11:48:03 PM
I've had and still have great friends of both genders. I am not bisexual, and only have sexual relations with the male gender.
Many moons ago after consuming much alcohol I ended up in the bed of a butch type lesbian, I flaked, but she came onto me at about 4 am and I fled ........... lmfao ....... :o
Many moons ago after consuming much alcohol I ended up in the bed of a butch type lesbian, I flaked, but she came onto me at about 4 am and I fled ........... lmfao ....... :o
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Barbara on December 19, 2009, 12:07:23 AM
Post by: Barbara on December 19, 2009, 12:07:23 AM
i don't have to worry about that because i am gay.well mostly straight guys hit on me
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Jester on December 19, 2009, 10:38:05 AM
Post by: Jester on December 19, 2009, 10:38:05 AM
I've had two girls who supported what I was, but it could be because I'm in the closet and most girls want a boyfriend who can identify with them. And also, they were both tomboyish and liked my inclinations on a sexual level. I'm not with either of these girls anymore, but our break-ups weren't caused by my gender problems. There was one girl who broke up with me for that reason, but she was a flighty 17 year old, and I was a confused 18 year old, things go much better as a confused 22 year old. But I strongly believe that for every person, there's at least one other person that's perfectly suited to them... It just takes a little bit of looking.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 19, 2009, 12:40:13 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 19, 2009, 12:40:13 PM
Quote from: Autumn on December 18, 2009, 11:35:09 PMI'm not gay or bi that's and why I want a girlfriend that is straight. I don't want to be with a girl who would see me as her girlfriend. I guess bi is okay as long as she would see me as her boyfriend.
If you are not in transition and never plan to be, does it matter that you are TS?
Being a stable, successful person who is pleasant to be around, and responsible, and who has the self esteem to go with the flow, not be too egotistical, but not self loathing, is what it generally takes to find a good relationship with anyone. Also not being morbidly obese and having good grooming habits.
If you are missing most or all of those qualities, then no you're not going to find a girlfriend. If you are using being TS as your reason for lack of success, it may be making an excuse for other shortcomings.
If you are a 'soft' male then you will have to find women who are interested in that kind of thing. And there are women who appreciate caring, affectionate men. The artist type. But women do not date men who look like men who act like girls, generally speaking. It doesn't provide basic needs.
Everyone's different of course, you can't blanket anything. But there's not any point to looking for a straight girl if you're trans, really. Why would you? Bi or bicurious is going to work better.
Post Merge: December 19, 2009, 12:54:34 PM
rejennyrated,
I'm not a very sociable person. I don't like to go out to clubs. It's very hard for me to meet people because I'm an extremely shy person. I guess the internet is the best place to meet people for someone like me being so shy. But most or all straight women are not into trans. I talked to someone on some dating site and as soon as I told her I was trans she never sent me another message. But I wasn't attracted to her anyways, so that was okay that she didn't message me back. But I hope someday I do find the right person. But in my mind it will never happen.
chris_gqueering,
I perfer a woman who is straight, because I am straight, but I guess I could go for a girl who is bi, just as long as she would see me as her boyfriend.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Erica2Sweet on December 21, 2009, 02:10:37 PM
Post by: Erica2Sweet on December 21, 2009, 02:10:37 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 18, 2009, 10:30:20 AMIs it hard or frustrating trying to find a girlfriend being trans?
I am M2F and I was single and looking for the better part of fifteen years before I met my SO. She and I met online (she actually contacted me) and right away we realized we only lived about 45 min drive from one another. She saw me in girl mode weeks before she ever saw a pic of me as a boy. We moved in together about six months later, and have been together now for about a year.
So yes, I agree it is extremely challenging to find women that are not only accepting of someone TG, but is willing to stand at our side and face the unique issues and problems we face as TG all within a relationship. The majority of women out there just aren't willing to see past all of the social and internal hangups associated with a relationship with someone TG. However, a few seem to be willing and able, but they aren't easy to find... by that I mean they likely aren't going to be shouting out their interest in someone TG from the rooftops.
As it was said before, I think you indeed will have better luck finding an accepting woman from the pool of those who are bisexual or pansexual. Within a relationship, you are likely to find fewer sexual conflicts (and probably fewer social hangups) with a woman who identifies as bi- or pan-, as opposed to one who is strictly hetero.
Living in the midwest USA, I'll also add that someone from this general area would probably have a much better change with online dating sites as opposed to more common/traditional dating methods. This has definitely been my experience.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Mindy Rae on December 21, 2009, 04:19:17 PM
Post by: Mindy Rae on December 21, 2009, 04:19:17 PM
I'm in the same boat. I just came out to my ex girlfriend why it all failed and she is now the first one to know of my secret, what a refreshing feeling of not having to lie. I have been with str8 girls(mostly),bi-girls, bi guys and gay guys and haven't clicked totally with any of them ,however, I never have had sex dressed as Mindy either. My mind keeps telling me it would happen with a bi-girl or guy when I'm dressed and acting as my female side. I'm a split personality, balanced and okay.When I'm dressed as a male there are female traits that show through but for the most part I'm non-effeminate. I have never experienced a transitioned TS with me as a str8 male but feel that may also be the ticket. I'm not after her genatalia I just want a partner that can let me live out my two sides in bed and more importantly in our day to day interaction.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:24:30 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:24:30 PM
Erica2Sweet,
I'm so glad you found someone that accepted you for who you are :) I hope someday I can find someone who will accept me for who I am too.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 03:36:37 PM
I hope you find that special person someday :)
I'm so glad you found someone that accepted you for who you are :) I hope someday I can find someone who will accept me for who I am too.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 03:36:37 PM
Quote from: Mindy Rae on December 21, 2009, 04:19:17 PM
I just want a partner that can let me live out my two sides in bed and more importantly in our day to day interaction.
I hope you find that special person someday :)
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Nicky on December 21, 2009, 04:37:17 PM
Post by: Nicky on December 21, 2009, 04:37:17 PM
So you are female bodied?
I think you will be very lucky to find a straight girl that would be into that unfortunately - especially since you don't intend to live in anyway as your male self. It seems odd to expect that partner to treat you as male when you are not going to live it.
Normally the issue seems to be the other way. My wife is straight yet I am moving away from being a man.
Maybe you need to rethink your criteria. Just find someone that loves you and don't worry about the labels. In many cases they will be irrelevant as long as they are prepared to accept you as the person you are.
Something I would like to ask is why transition will never be on the cards? You are single, 28, probablly financially independent. What is stopping you?
I think you will be very lucky to find a straight girl that would be into that unfortunately - especially since you don't intend to live in anyway as your male self. It seems odd to expect that partner to treat you as male when you are not going to live it.
Normally the issue seems to be the other way. My wife is straight yet I am moving away from being a man.
Maybe you need to rethink your criteria. Just find someone that loves you and don't worry about the labels. In many cases they will be irrelevant as long as they are prepared to accept you as the person you are.
Something I would like to ask is why transition will never be on the cards? You are single, 28, probablly financially independent. What is stopping you?
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:57:10 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:57:10 PM
Yes, I was born a female and I want to be a male. I guess I could go with a bi girl, but not a gay girl. That's a big thing for me as I am totally straight. I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend.
The reason why I will never transition is because of my religious beliefs. God made me a female so I feel I can't change what what God made me. But I'd still like to get my chest removed because I just absolutely hate having a chest and binding everyday sucks. My back kills from binding. But the reason I can't get my chest removed is because I don't have the money and I'm terrified of any kind of surgery. I'm out of work right now hopping to get on SSI because I can't work right now and I'm still living at home with my mother.
The reason why I will never transition is because of my religious beliefs. God made me a female so I feel I can't change what what God made me. But I'd still like to get my chest removed because I just absolutely hate having a chest and binding everyday sucks. My back kills from binding. But the reason I can't get my chest removed is because I don't have the money and I'm terrified of any kind of surgery. I'm out of work right now hopping to get on SSI because I can't work right now and I'm still living at home with my mother.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Silver on December 21, 2009, 06:20:35 PM
Post by: Silver on December 21, 2009, 06:20:35 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:57:10 PM
Yes, I was born a female and I want to be a male. I guess I could go with a bi girl, but not a gay girl. That's a big thing for me as I am totally straight. I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend.
The reason why I will never transition is because of my religious beliefs. God made me a female so I feel I can't change what what God made me. But I'd still like to get my chest removed because I just absolutely hate having a chest and binding everyday sucks. My back kills from binding. But the reason I can't get my chest removed is because I don't have the money and I'm terrified of any kind of surgery. I'm out of work right now hopping to get on SSI because I can't work right now and I'm still living at home with my mother.
So what are your beliefs that make top surgery acceptable but HRT unacceptable? It seems rather arbitrary to me. God gave you breasts too.
I hope your situation improves.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 06:38:13 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 06:38:13 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 04:57:10 PM
Yes, I was born a female and I want to be a male. I guess I could go with a bi girl, but not a gay girl. That's a big thing for me as I am totally straight. I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend.
The reason why I will never transition is because of my religious beliefs. God made me a female so I feel I can't change what what God made me. But I'd still like to get my chest removed because I just absolutely hate having a chest and binding everyday sucks. My back kills from binding. But the reason I can't get my chest removed is because I don't have the money and I'm terrified of any kind of surgery. I'm out of work right now hopping to get on SSI because I can't work right now and I'm still living at home with my mother.
Your beliefs are up to you and your own, however I see this sort of thing as a birth defect. It's no different than getting a broken leg fixed or taking medication.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 06:38:24 PM
Post by: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 06:38:24 PM
Syles, I don't follow how you say "I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend."
But in your pic you look totally female, how can a girl see you as her boyfriend?
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 06:46:46 PM
Absolutely agree Lachlann. That leads me to another position here "non-transitioning TG/TS"?
$$ is the main reason I imagine to slow the process up, if it's religion of any form, then the problem with that denomination is it needs to update to modern times.
But in your pic you look totally female, how can a girl see you as her boyfriend?
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 06:46:46 PM
Absolutely agree Lachlann. That leads me to another position here "non-transitioning TG/TS"?
$$ is the main reason I imagine to slow the process up, if it's religion of any form, then the problem with that denomination is it needs to update to modern times.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 07:02:13 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 07:02:13 PM
Quote from: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 06:38:24 PM
Syles, I don't follow how you say "I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend."
But in your pic you look totally female, how can a girl see you as her boyfriend?
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 05:46:46 PM
Absolutely agree Lachlann. That leads me to another position here "non-transitioning TG/TS"?
$$ is the main reason I imagine to slow the process up, if it's religion of any form, then the problem with that denomination is it needs to update to modern times.
Well, I could understand that people have their personal reasons for not transitioning, but if they really wish to they might be selling themselves short. If you're not going to transition then it needs to be something you know you can handle without. Which is why for a lot of people transitioning via hormones and surgery is the last option when nothing else works. I admire those who can go on with life without that, but I also admire those who do transition as well.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Nicky on December 21, 2009, 07:35:08 PM
Post by: Nicky on December 21, 2009, 07:35:08 PM
Something to consider is if you are not happy, do you have something to offer a partner? It seems to me that your first priority should be sorting out your gender issues - come to some resolution. Unhappy people make crappy partners, it is not fair on the other person. For starters it eats your energy and focus, energy that could be spent on your relationship.
You could probably find a girl through your church, put the feelers out, ask people to set you up. I'm sure they will help you out.
You could probably find a girl through your church, put the feelers out, ask people to set you up. I'm sure they will help you out.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 07:42:43 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 07:42:43 PM
Quote from: SilverFang on December 21, 2009, 06:20:35 PM
So what are your beliefs that make top surgery acceptable but HRT unacceptable? It seems rather arbitrary to me. God gave you breasts too.
I hope your situation improves.
The way I see it is that if people who get nose jobs, face lifts etc can do it I don't see the harm in me getting my chest removed. I know what your saying about what I said about God making me female, and I thought about that too, but there are females who have no chest at all either because their anorexic or whatever happened to make them lose their chest, so in my mind I'm hoping that it would be okay with God that I get rid of mine.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 11:52:40 AM
Quote from: Nicky on December 21, 2009, 07:35:08 PM
Something to consider is if you are not happy, do you have something to offer a partner? It seems to me that your first priority should be sorting out your gender issues - come to some resolution. Unhappy people make crappy partners, it is not fair on the other person. For starters it eats your energy and focus, energy that could be spent on your relationship.
You could probably find a girl through your church, put the feelers out, ask people to set you up. I'm sure they will help you out.
I don't really know anyone from my church and I don't think any girls from my church would be interested in dating a trans. But it would be nice to find someone from my church or anywhere.
As for gender issues... I know how I feel and I absolutely positively want to be male. I can't help these feelings I have and I just hate that I have these feelings because to me I feel my feelings are not right according to God.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 12:55:08 PM
Quote from: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 06:38:24 PM
Syles, I don't follow how you say "I do not want to date a girl who will see me as her girlfriend. I want a girl who will see me as her boyfriend."
But in your pic you look totally female, how can a girl see you as her boyfriend?
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 11:46:46 AM
Absolutely agree Lachlann. That leads me to another position here "non-transitioning TG/TS"?
$$ is the main reason I imagine to slow the process up, if it's religion of any form, then the problem with that denomination is it needs to update to modern times.
Those 2 pics are not me. The top pic is Cyndi Lauper and the bottom pic is Tracey Gold. They are my 2 celebrity crushes. I'm a die hard fan of both of them. :)
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 03:58:56 PM
Quote from: Kvall on December 21, 2009, 06:47:10 PM
Do you really think God wants you to live in a body that you're miserable in? Or that he wants you to live a female life when he made your mind and soul male?
I agree, but I think sometimes God made me female on the outside as a test to see if I would change myself to a male. And if I changed myself male I would fail the test. Ya know what I mean? God testes everyone, some people pass the test, sometimes people don't. I'm not saying God's gunna send people to hell for failing his test, but I'm saying he's test people to make the right choices. I'm not saying anyone who changes themselves to male or female is wrong, I'm saying I don't know what God wants and I want to be want God wants me to be. I know he wants everyone to be happy, but I still don't know what he wants me to be. I'll never know until after I die and hopefully go to heaven and I can ask him.
btw, I am a catholic Christian.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 07:02:38 PM
Quote from: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 06:38:13 PM
Your beliefs are up to you and your own, however I see this sort of thing as a birth defect. It's no different than getting a broken leg fixed or taking medication.
I can see what your saying about that and I agree too. But what if, according to God, it's not a birth defect?
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 08:05:25 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 08:05:25 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 07:42:43 PMI can see what your saying about that and I agree too. But what if, according to God, it's not a birth defect?
Well, how is it not a defect? I don't think God says anything about being transgender as a sin. If I was born with any other birth defect I would fix it as well or find a way to deal with it. I don't think God has a problem when it comes to a life or death decision, or at least that's what it is for me. I would commit a far worse sin(if the former can be considered sin), suicide. I thought God might have been testing me as well, but I tried everything else and nothing was working, this is my last option and right now I think God wants me to transition to learn something.
It sounds like to me you need to sort out how severe your problem is. Transition isn't necessarily the first option we take, though for some it is and sometimes we have to see how far we can go before we make a decision. That said I can respect your concerns and wishes as I was a lot like you before things got unbearable and this isn't to say you will end up like me. This is something that you need to sort out yourself.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:20:22 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:20:22 PM
I'm not saying it isn't or is a birth defect. I don't know for sure if it is or isn't, and I understand that if it is, it should be corrected. I feel, for myself, that how I'm feeling should be corrected that I should change myself to male. But again, I don't know if changing myself male is right or wrong according to God and I don't want to make the wrong decision according to God.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 08:21:48 PM
Post by: Dianna on December 21, 2009, 08:21:48 PM
Just let me say this Syles, the catholic church doesn't have a dogmatic or a theological standpoint on TS/TG
It most certainly does on homosexuality. I am a non-practicising catholic and have been for many years.
I follow now, those pics were not you. ;)
It most certainly does on homosexuality. I am a non-practicising catholic and have been for many years.
I follow now, those pics were not you. ;)
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:41:48 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:41:48 PM
Quote from: Kvall on December 21, 2009, 08:22:15 PM
How do you know that transitioning isn't the way to pass that test? Maybe God is trying to see whether you will stand up for yourself and start living the life you were meant to live, or whether you will succumb to your fears and doubts.
That's a good point. I never thought of it that way. I wish God would tell me if it was okay to change myself male. But I also wish I was born male so I wouldn't have to go through this. I would never get surgey, going under the knife terrifies. I don't understand why God would make me this way knowing that this is how I feel.
Thanks for the questions and answers from the Gay Christian Network. But I still see the answers to the questions being very different from being trans. If a person is sick and needs insulin to live that's very different from being trans. You don't need medication to survive being trans. Ya know what I mean? And God didn't create people with illnesses, it just exist. Like aids for example. God did not born people with aids, people gave each other aids. Where it came from, I don't know, man I guess, but not God. That's just my opinion.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 08:52:01 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 08:52:01 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:41:48 PM
That's a good point. I never thought of it that way. I wish God would tell me if it was okay to change myself male. But I also wish I was born male so I wouldn't have to go through this. I would never get surgey, going under the knife terrifies. I don't understand why God would make me this way knowing that this is how I feel.
Well, no one said it would be easy. Not transitioning could be even harder depending on your situation. I've come to realize that I was picked out to take this task because I'm strong enough to bare it and that it's a path I must take in this life.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:56:33 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:56:33 PM
I'm not one of the strong people to bare it. I hate that I'm this way. It's to hard to handle for me. It's torture to be trapped in a body that is not yours.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: tekla on December 21, 2009, 08:57:23 PM
Post by: tekla on December 21, 2009, 08:57:23 PM
I was thinking on this the past few days at work, and for some reasons there was too much relationship talk - but it struck me that as bad as it is not to have a GF/BF/Lover, whatever, then to have the wrong one. No body ever had their life ruined by NOT having a partner, huge piles of people have ruined their life by hooking up with the wrong partner.
Tiger Woods, I'm looking at you, among others.
And, its not very romantic I know. But its true, which is why 'hopeless romantic' often winds up meaning 'impractical fool.
I wish God would tell me if it was okay to change myself male.
I'd settle for god just telling me the winning lottery numbers, or the results for the trifecta tomorrow at Santa Anita Park. Or just calling his fan club off. But people waiting for the voice of god sometimes, if not often, find out they are waiting for Godot. And of course, Godot never shows up.
Tiger Woods, I'm looking at you, among others.
And, its not very romantic I know. But its true, which is why 'hopeless romantic' often winds up meaning 'impractical fool.
I wish God would tell me if it was okay to change myself male.
I'd settle for god just telling me the winning lottery numbers, or the results for the trifecta tomorrow at Santa Anita Park. Or just calling his fan club off. But people waiting for the voice of god sometimes, if not often, find out they are waiting for Godot. And of course, Godot never shows up.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:08:15 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:08:15 PM
Quote from: tekla on December 21, 2009, 08:57:23 PM
I was thinking on this the past few days at work, and for some reasons there was too much relationship talk - but it struck me that as bad as it is not to have a GF/BF/Lover, whatever, then to have the wrong one. No body ever had their life ruined by NOT having a partner, huge piles of people have ruined their life by hooking up with the wrong partner.
That is true. It's better to be alone then to be with the wrong person. But it also sucks to be alone too.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 09:08:32 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 09:08:32 PM
Quote from: tekla on December 21, 2009, 08:57:23 PMI completely agree. While it can get lonely, sometimes it's better not to be in a relationship, especially during transition or the ones out of convenience. I've been burned too many times to realize that sometimes it's better to wait rather than get stuck in a bad relationship.
I was thinking on this the past few days at work, and for some reasons there was too much relationship talk - but it struck me that as bad as it is not to have a GF/BF/Lover, whatever, then to have the wrong one. No body ever had their life ruined by NOT having a partner, huge piles of people have ruined their life by hooking up with the wrong partner.
Tiger Woods, I'm looking at you, among others.
And, its not very romantic I know. But its true, which is why 'hopeless romantic' often winds up meaning 'impractical fool.
I wish God would tell me if it was okay to change myself male.
I'd settle for god just telling me the winning lottery numbers, or the results for the trifecta tomorrow at Santa Anita Park. Or just calling his fan club off. But people waiting for the voice of god sometimes, if not often, find out they are waiting for Godot. And of course, Godot never shows up.
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:56:33 PM
I'm not one of the strong people to bare it. I hate that I'm this way. It's to hard to handle for me. It's torture to be trapped in a body that is not yours.
Well you're alive aren't you? Do something about your situation, even if it's figuring out what to do. If you couldn't take it I don't think you'd be here talking with us, so that tells me that you do have some strength to build upon. Work on yourself.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:29:00 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:29:00 PM
"Well you're alive aren't you? Do something about your situation, even if it's figuring out what to do. If you couldn't take it I don't think you'd be here talking with us, so that tells me that you do have some strength to build upon. Work on yourself".
I'm alive because I'm afraid if I kill myself I'll go to hell. Suicide is a sin. I don't want to go to hell and that's the one thing keeping me alive. But being trans is not the reason I want to die.
I'm not out to my family yet. I think that would be the first step for me. But I feel that they won't accept it, I don't believe they would disown me, but it would kill them to know that this was how I feel and they would want me to get over it and tell me that it's all in my head. I mean, one year I got a gift you would give a girl, and I said to my mom, " a guy wouldn't recieve a gift like this", and she said to me very upset, "Are you a guy!?" It's was very uncomfortable. It's very hard to talk to my mom about me being trans because I know how upset and sad she would be, but I know she wouldn't disown me.
I'm alive because I'm afraid if I kill myself I'll go to hell. Suicide is a sin. I don't want to go to hell and that's the one thing keeping me alive. But being trans is not the reason I want to die.
I'm not out to my family yet. I think that would be the first step for me. But I feel that they won't accept it, I don't believe they would disown me, but it would kill them to know that this was how I feel and they would want me to get over it and tell me that it's all in my head. I mean, one year I got a gift you would give a girl, and I said to my mom, " a guy wouldn't recieve a gift like this", and she said to me very upset, "Are you a guy!?" It's was very uncomfortable. It's very hard to talk to my mom about me being trans because I know how upset and sad she would be, but I know she wouldn't disown me.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 09:36:18 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 09:36:18 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:29:00 PM
"Well you're alive aren't you? Do something about your situation, even if it's figuring out what to do. If you couldn't take it I don't think you'd be here talking with us, so that tells me that you do have some strength to build upon. Work on yourself".
I'm alive because I'm afraid if I kill myself I'll go to hell. Suicide is a sin. I don't want to go to hell and that's the one thing keeping me alive. But being trans is not the reason I want to die.
I'm not out to my family yet. I think that would be the first step for me. But I feel that they won't accept it, I don't believe they would disown me, but it would kill them to know that this was how I feel and they would want me to get over it and tell me that it's all in my head. I mean, one year I got a gift you would give a girl, and I said to my mom, " a guy wouldn't recieve a gift like this", and she said to me very upset, "Are you a guy!?" It's was very uncomfortable. It's very hard to talk to my mom about me being trans because I know how upset and sad she would be, but I know she wouldn't disown me.
One step at a time. It took a while for my parents to come around to the idea, I knew they wouldn't disown me but that it would be difficult. Now they're supportive of it and helping me to transition. These things take time, which is why I say work on yourself now because you want to be ready to face everything. Start small then work your way up, that way things aren't as overwhelming. It's not uncommon to feel like this in the beginning, so start preparing yourself so you can take it on.
If you keep worrying about not being strong enough then you never will be.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:46:36 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:46:36 PM
I hope if I ever decide to come out and tell my mom that she would be supportive too. I guess I just don't want to deal with it, but I know if I ever want to get any sort of relief, I'd eventually will have to come out and tell my mom.
I'm glad to hear that your parents came around and are supporting you and helping you through this. :)
I'm glad to hear that your parents came around and are supporting you and helping you through this. :)
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:04:37 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:04:37 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 09:46:36 PMIt can be difficult if they are apart of a religion who avoids touching the subject or the fact that transsexual is often linked to homosexuality when it shouldn't be. Some parents are too stubborn or, and excuse me for using this word, 'bigoted' to accept it. If your parents are anything like mine, that they wont just disown a child if they want to leave the religion or is a certain orientation and allow them to lead their own lives, then it may not be so difficult for them to eventually understand your situation. The biggest problem with people who don't accept us is that they are ignorant of the subject, and we've got some select media outlets to blame for the portrayal of people like us. Thankfully it's starting to change a bit.
I hope if I ever decide to come out and tell my mom that she would be supportive too. I guess I just don't want to deal with it, but I know if I ever want to get any sort of relief, I'd eventually will have to come out and tell my mom.
I'm glad to hear that your parents came around and are supporting you and helping you through this. :)
It's a very frustrating thing to deal with, especially when for us it can be easier to understand. Sometimes I don't know why my parents don't understand certain things, but then they don't know what it's like to live in my body. I think some people are a little too hard on their parents and it's understandable as it is an emotional and touchy subject. Parents are learning too, and sometimes they're a little too scared or shocked, they're regular people and they can vary from family to family, but they're still people. People need time to adapt and adjust to scenarios. There's almost a phenomenon I see where some parents seem to be in denial about it in almost the same way some of us are about it in the beginning. People who transition and still keep in contact with their family aren't the only ones transitioning, so is their family. And even some of the stronger transitioners break down sometimes and we're only human.
It's a daunting task to come out. For me it was easy to tell them, but I had also had been dwelling on it and preparing myself beforehand. Afterward it was incredibly tricky because my dad was very upset and thought that I was gay. It wasn't until we got more information about it, and that since they cared enough to even watch appropriate shows about transgender people that they began to understand. I came out when I was 15, right now I'm 20 years old. 5 years seems like a long time, but there was also some things that pushed it out of the way, and of course it's different for everyone. There is no set length of time for this sort of thing.
As I said, one step at a time. If you aren't ready yet to tell them then don't. This is a perfect opportunity for you to build up some confidence for yourself and get a little more comfortable with who you are.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Meshi on December 21, 2009, 10:08:31 PM
Post by: Meshi on December 21, 2009, 10:08:31 PM
Most straight women wouldnt think of goin out with a TG, lol Make sense doesnt it. I am bi, so i try to look for bi females if it is a woman i seek. Maybe you should try that approach.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Renate on December 21, 2009, 10:20:02 PM
Post by: Renate on December 21, 2009, 10:20:02 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 08:41:48 PM
You don't need medication to survive being trans.
Oh, yes, you do. For the rest of your life.
You need your hormones.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:32:51 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:32:51 PM
For me, I only got one parent to tell and that would be my mom. I never knew my father. My mom has talked to my counselor before and at first my mom told my counselor that she thought I was gay. Trans never crossed her mind. But the second time my mom talked to my counselor she didn't think I was gay anymore, maybe then she thought I was Bi, I'm not really sure what she thinks now, but she never mention to my counselor that I could be trans. My counselor told me that this is what my mom had said to her.
I don't know why trans hasn't crossed my mom's mind. All the signs are there. I'm sure she's in denial. She's doesn't want to believe I'm trans, and at first I didn't want to believe it either. I was in denial for so long. Maybe a year or 2 ago I came out of the denial stage. I don't accept myself for being this way and I never will, but I'm out that that denial stage now.
I was watching a show on transgender people and my mom asked me what I was watching and I told her, and she said to me, " your not transgender, don't buy into that crap", or something like that she said. She always asked me why i'm so interested in watching programs like that. I just tell her it's interesting, but I just couldn't tell her that I'm trans.
I hope someday I will have the confidence to come out and tell my mom.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 10:34:12 PM
But you won't literally die without them.
I don't know why trans hasn't crossed my mom's mind. All the signs are there. I'm sure she's in denial. She's doesn't want to believe I'm trans, and at first I didn't want to believe it either. I was in denial for so long. Maybe a year or 2 ago I came out of the denial stage. I don't accept myself for being this way and I never will, but I'm out that that denial stage now.
I was watching a show on transgender people and my mom asked me what I was watching and I told her, and she said to me, " your not transgender, don't buy into that crap", or something like that she said. She always asked me why i'm so interested in watching programs like that. I just tell her it's interesting, but I just couldn't tell her that I'm trans.
I hope someday I will have the confidence to come out and tell my mom.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 10:34:12 PM
Quote from: Renate on December 21, 2009, 10:20:02 PM
Oh, yes, you do. For the rest of your life.
You need your hormones.
But you won't literally die without them.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:46:57 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:46:57 PM
She probably is in denial then. That can be a delicate situation, and it'd probably be best that you go to therapy first and have someone who has diagnosed you and have your mom come in to discuss it. It'll leave her little room to back into denial or make up excuses. At the very worst, she might think the therapist to be a quack, but she is eventually going to have to come to terms with it, as are you.
I think eventually we need to accept ourselves as we are. Some things we can change, and we can work on that, others we can't change no matter how hard we try. Perhaps that's something you could work on, I had trouble with that myself and now it doesn't bother me so much anymore. Sure, it doesn't take away the dysphoria or transform us, but there is some truth in having to love ourselves before we can love others. It's very difficult to live a life where you have a hard time accepting yourself or loving yourself, and in turn people may avoid you. It's not that someone else couldn't take some of the pain away, but I'd like to think that I'd want to be a little more secure with myself, and insecurity and can ruin a relationship of any kind. I've been on both ends of that.
The important thing is that it isn't your fault or anyone else. This is just how things are and so eventually you do need to move on and say, "Hey, this is how it is, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to accept it and work on what I can do." and it doesn't have to be now or tomorrow or even in the next few weeks or months. We're all here to help you along as long as you're willing.
I think eventually we need to accept ourselves as we are. Some things we can change, and we can work on that, others we can't change no matter how hard we try. Perhaps that's something you could work on, I had trouble with that myself and now it doesn't bother me so much anymore. Sure, it doesn't take away the dysphoria or transform us, but there is some truth in having to love ourselves before we can love others. It's very difficult to live a life where you have a hard time accepting yourself or loving yourself, and in turn people may avoid you. It's not that someone else couldn't take some of the pain away, but I'd like to think that I'd want to be a little more secure with myself, and insecurity and can ruin a relationship of any kind. I've been on both ends of that.
The important thing is that it isn't your fault or anyone else. This is just how things are and so eventually you do need to move on and say, "Hey, this is how it is, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to accept it and work on what I can do." and it doesn't have to be now or tomorrow or even in the next few weeks or months. We're all here to help you along as long as you're willing.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:47:44 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:47:44 PM
Quote from: Michelle Hayden on December 21, 2009, 10:08:31 PM
Most straight women wouldnt think of goin out with a TG, lol Make sense doesnt it. I am bi, so i try to look for bi females if it is a woman i seek. Maybe you should try that approach.
Yeah, that makes sense. But I don't see myself as gay or bi. If I was born a male I'd be straight. I'd be in the right body. But since I'm in this female body which should be male, I still consider myself straight because I see myself as a male and I like women, therefore I consider myself straight. Ya know what I mean? But I guess I would have to go with looking for females who are bi since it would be very difficult to find a straight woman. But when I see programs on trans people, I see a lot of the times a f2m having a girlfriend, maybe the girls were bi, I don't know, but in my mind I was thinking they were straight.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:54:36 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:54:36 PM
Quote from: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:47:44 PM
Yeah, that makes sense. But I don't see myself as gay or bi. If I was born a male I'd be straight. I'd be in the right body. But since I'm in this female body which should be male, I still consider myself straight because I see myself as a male and I like women, therefore I consider myself straight. Ya know what I mean? But I guess I would have to go with looking for females who are bi since it would be very difficult to find a straight woman. But when I see programs on trans people, I see a lot of the times a f2m having a girlfriend, maybe the girls were bi, I don't know, but in my mind I was thinking they were straight.
Well I don't think it's entirely impossible. Bi or pansexual you'd have better luck with pre-T or non-transitioning, though. A lot of straight FTMs who have transitioned do have straight girlfriends.
Women tend to be more invested in the emotional aspect of the relationship, rather than the physical. Of course, sexual preferences still stand, but if they see you as a man then you are a man. And there a variety of ways to get around the bedroom issues. Of course, not every girl is as open, but then you wouldn't want one who wouldn't accept you for who you are.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:59:20 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 10:59:20 PM
Quote from: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:46:57 PM
She probably is in denial then. That can be a delicate situation, and it'd probably be best that you go to therapy first and have someone who has diagnosed you and have your mom come in to discuss it. It'll leave her little room to back into denial or make up excuses. At the very worst, she might think the therapist to be a quack, but she is eventually going to have to come to terms with it, as are you.
I think eventually we need to accept ourselves as we are. Some things we can change, and we can work on that, others we can't change no matter how hard we try. Perhaps that's something you could work on, I had trouble with that myself and now it doesn't bother me so much anymore. Sure, it doesn't take away the dysphoria or transform us, but there is some truth in having to love ourselves before we can love others. It's very difficult to live a life where you have a hard time accepting yourself or loving yourself, and in turn people may avoid you. It's not that someone else couldn't take some of the pain away, but I'd like to think that I'd want to be a little more secure with myself, and insecurity and can ruin a relationship of any kind. I've been on both ends of that.
The important thing is that it isn't your fault or anyone else. This is just how things are and so eventually you do need to move on and say, "Hey, this is how it is, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to accept it and work on what I can do." and it doesn't have to be now or tomorrow or even in the next few weeks or months. We're all here to help you along as long as you're willing.
If I were to ever see another therapist other than the one I'm seeing now, I wonder if my insurance would cover it? And I'm afraid of my mom finding out that I'm seeing a gender therapist.
I don't think I could ever accept myself. Again, this is all due to my religious beliefs. I can't accept myself if being trans is not acceptable to God. But again, I'll won't know these things until after I'm dead and I can hopefully ask God that question.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 11:07:38 PM
Quote from: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 10:54:36 PM
Well I don't think it's entirely impossible. Bi or pansexual you'd have better luck with pre-T or non-transitioning, though. A lot of straight FTMs who have transitioned do have straight girlfriends.
Women tend to be more invested in the emotional aspect of the relationship, rather than the physical. Of course, sexual preferences still stand, but if they see you as a man then you are a man. And there a variety of ways to get around the bedroom issues. Of course, not every girl is as open, but then you wouldn't want one who wouldn't accept you for who you are.
I'm hoping for a straight girl, but would settle for bi as long as she would see me as male.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 11:08:38 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 11:08:38 PM
You can try talking about it with your current therapist and see if they are willing to help. There are many resources online you can use. On top of that, your therapist doesn't have to tell your mother.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
^ This is what I'm speaking of.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
^ This is what I'm speaking of.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 11:16:58 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 11:16:58 PM
It took me about 10 years or so to finally tell my counselor that I was trans. I just didn't want anyone to know how I felt. But it felt good to get that out in the open with her, and we do talk about my gender issues. But that's all we can do is talk about it. I don't know if there is anything else to do but talk about.
Quote from: Lachlann l
i]
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
^ This is what I'm speaking of.[/i]
I've heard that payer before. But I just can't accept it if it's not acceptable to God.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 11:26:07 PM
Post by: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 11:26:07 PM
And what about having a girlfriend while you are physically female? From what I know of your faith, they would consider that a sin as well. From what you know from what others in your church have said, homosexuality is a sin and it's debatable if that's true or a mistranslation. Now technically if you were to get a girlfriend non-transitioning, that doesn't necessarily make you a lesbian, but if being transgender and transitioning via hormones and surgery bothers you because you don't know if God accepts that, how do you work your way around getting a girlfriend?
To me that seems a bit weird. You think it's alright to be with a woman while being physically female, but transitioning and being transsexual isn't something you can accept? The only other way I could think of this working right is if you were part of an LGBT branch, but then you wouldn't have an issue with transitioning as much because it's supported as being a disorder or a defect by doctors and we've gone over that.
Have you tried praying about it and meditating? That's probably the best answer you're going to get from God before you die.
To me that seems a bit weird. You think it's alright to be with a woman while being physically female, but transitioning and being transsexual isn't something you can accept? The only other way I could think of this working right is if you were part of an LGBT branch, but then you wouldn't have an issue with transitioning as much because it's supported as being a disorder or a defect by doctors and we've gone over that.
Have you tried praying about it and meditating? That's probably the best answer you're going to get from God before you die.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 11:47:26 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 21, 2009, 11:47:26 PM
Quote from: Lachlann on December 21, 2009, 11:26:07 PM
And what about having a girlfriend while you are physically female? From what I know of your faith, they would consider that a sin as well. From what you know from what others in your church have said, homosexuality is a sin and it's debatable if that's true or a mistranslation. Now technically if you were to get a girlfriend non-transitioning, that doesn't necessarily make you a lesbian, but if being transgender and transitioning via hormones and surgery bothers you because you don't know if God accepts that, how do you work your way around getting a girlfriend?
To me that seems a bit weird. You think it's alright to be with a woman while being physically female, but transitioning and being transsexual isn't something you can accept? The only other way I could think of this working right is if you were part of an LGBT branch, but then you wouldn't have an issue with transitioning as much because it's supported as being a disorder or a defect by doctors and we've gone over that.
Have you tried praying about it and meditating? That's probably the best answer you're going to get from God before you die.
I've never had a girlfriend. Never dated anyone. However, I have kissed 2 guys before, but I was in denial at the time, but felt absolutely nothing. I pretended kissing someone else, like a female I had a crush on. There was nothing there for me, and one of the guys was a very good looking, very attractive guy, but there was nothing there for me. We weren't dating or anything, we never really talked to each other, we just had one class together and that one time he pulled me back in the gym and started kissing me and then a few other times when we were alone, and that was it. It was nothing. But I know I don't like guys at all. They do nothing for me sexually.
As for me dating a female while I am in a female body... yes I do believe it would be like a lesbian thing, but in my mind I don't see it like that, but I know in reality that on the outside I am female which in a way would make out to be lesbian even though that's not how I'm viewing it. So that part is hard since I will never transition, but I would never see it as gay relationship because I am not gay. I am straight, just not in the right body, which is so frustrating when it comes to dating that's why I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.
Post Merge: December 21, 2009, 10:59:30 PM
but if being transgender and transitioning via hormones and surgery bothers you because you don't know if God accepts that, how do you work your way around getting a girlfriend?[/b][/i]
I don't. I haven't been looking. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'll be alone forever because of how I feel and my beliefs.
"To me that seems a bit weird. You think it's alright to be with a woman while being physically female, but transitioning and being transsexual isn't something you can accept?"
No, I don't think it's okay to be with a women being a woman, but I'm not seeing myself as a woman, I'm seeing myself as male, but since I'm not a real guy, that is a huge problem for me, and I will most likely be alone forever because of that.
"Have you tried praying about it and meditating? That's probably the best answer you're going to get from God before you die."
[/quote]
Yes, I pray every night before I go to bed. I ask God, "why was I born this way? What happened to make me this way?" I ask God to help me with what I am going through because it's too hard for me to deal with.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Dianna on December 22, 2009, 12:03:39 AM
Post by: Dianna on December 22, 2009, 12:03:39 AM
I can only say one thing here, Lachlann, you have done a admirable job addressing Syles 'dilemma'.
I'm a chtistian, and frankly God/Jesus Christ is an all loving God. Syles much of what catholicism practices and preaches comes from 'man' here on this earth or the Pope in Rome.
I'm a chtistian, and frankly God/Jesus Christ is an all loving God. Syles much of what catholicism practices and preaches comes from 'man' here on this earth or the Pope in Rome.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 22, 2009, 12:14:03 AM
Post by: Syles81 on December 22, 2009, 12:14:03 AM
Quote from: Dianna on December 22, 2009, 12:03:39 AM
I can only say one thing here, Lachlann, you have done a admirable job addressing Syles 'dilemma'.
I'm a chtistian, and frankly God/Jesus Christ is an all loving God. Syles much of what catholicism practices and preaches comes from 'man' here on this earth or the Pope in Rome.
I agree. Lachlann has helped me out a lot. :)
I believe God/Jesus is all loving too. Yes I agree with you that a lot of catholic teaching has man made laws or beliefs and I don't agree with them all.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 22, 2009, 12:46:47 AM
Post by: Lachlann on December 22, 2009, 12:46:47 AM
Quote from: Dianna on December 22, 2009, 12:03:39 AM
I can only say one thing here, Lachlann, you have done a admirable job addressing Syles 'dilemma'.
Thank you.
Syles, I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope that you find your answers soon. Feeling uncertain can be rather intimidating and scary. At a time there were many things I thought were not acceptable by God because I was scared of them or ignorant of them, I'm not saying that you are, but to a degree I can understand what it's like to not know and fear the consequences. And I do think it's possible that there is more than one solution to any given situation, that you can't expect everyone to do the same thing or to solve their situation in the same manner. And I hope that these answers and solutions come soon for you and work well.
And as for your relationship matters, I believe there is someone out there for everyone, several actually. I'm sure you'll be able to find a girl who will love you for who you are, regardless of orientation. There are too many people in this world with all sorts of views for there not to be at least one.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: tekla on December 22, 2009, 01:08:56 AM
Post by: tekla on December 22, 2009, 01:08:56 AM
Not all questions have answers. And just because it has an answer, there is nothing in the universe that compels it to be reveled to you. There is lots and lots - perhaps even most things - that you are just never going to know. Learn to live with it. It's not going to change.
And knowledge alone does not bring understanding, and even if you get this great understanding, it might not last long, and then you can add to my GFs mom's edict that "You may understand, but you understand wrong."
As for me dating a female while I am in a female body... yes I do believe it would be like a lesbian thing, but in my mind I don't see it like that, but I know in reality that on the outside I am female which in a way would make out to be lesbian even though that's not how I'm viewing it. So that part is hard since I will never transition, but I would never see it as gay relationship because I am not gay. I am straight, just not in the right body, which is so frustrating when it comes to dating that's why I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.
Whoa there partner, you are way overthinking the issue. All that label stuff and boxes, and who is what and what limits does that place on me - its just so much jibber-jabber. About the only thing it accomplishes is making you blind to what may well be right there in front of you, and at any rate, while you are contemplating it, you sure are not doing it. You don't date or fall in love with groups (unless you are Tiger Woods) you fall in love with people. And that's as best as I can figure out about the only way to go about it, one person at a time. It's almost like pinball, you put the ball in play, play it as well as you can, play it as long as you can and when the ball falls (and they do) you take a pause, breath deep, and play the next ball. I've never been to hot on the whole gay/straight deal, I think people push so hard on it because of some social crap, but there were people who I could have fallen in love with had a few things worked out a bit different who were not 'in my chart' as it were.
You know, had I been there at a slightly different moment for me, or for them - who knows? But of course, Ted Bundy's victims could say the same thing.
And its not some immediate 'love at first sight' deal all the time. If ever. Lust at first sight I dig and understand, but love takes time, and lots and lots of lovers will tell you that they ended up falling in love with someone they never had any intention of loving in the first place.
Lachlann may well be right about there being a person for everyone. However that does not guarantee that you are going to run into them in the proper conditions.
And, there is that other question, of if that person who is out there for you is the right person for your life.
And knowledge alone does not bring understanding, and even if you get this great understanding, it might not last long, and then you can add to my GFs mom's edict that "You may understand, but you understand wrong."
As for me dating a female while I am in a female body... yes I do believe it would be like a lesbian thing, but in my mind I don't see it like that, but I know in reality that on the outside I am female which in a way would make out to be lesbian even though that's not how I'm viewing it. So that part is hard since I will never transition, but I would never see it as gay relationship because I am not gay. I am straight, just not in the right body, which is so frustrating when it comes to dating that's why I'll probably be alone for the rest of my life.
Whoa there partner, you are way overthinking the issue. All that label stuff and boxes, and who is what and what limits does that place on me - its just so much jibber-jabber. About the only thing it accomplishes is making you blind to what may well be right there in front of you, and at any rate, while you are contemplating it, you sure are not doing it. You don't date or fall in love with groups (unless you are Tiger Woods) you fall in love with people. And that's as best as I can figure out about the only way to go about it, one person at a time. It's almost like pinball, you put the ball in play, play it as well as you can, play it as long as you can and when the ball falls (and they do) you take a pause, breath deep, and play the next ball. I've never been to hot on the whole gay/straight deal, I think people push so hard on it because of some social crap, but there were people who I could have fallen in love with had a few things worked out a bit different who were not 'in my chart' as it were.
You know, had I been there at a slightly different moment for me, or for them - who knows? But of course, Ted Bundy's victims could say the same thing.
And its not some immediate 'love at first sight' deal all the time. If ever. Lust at first sight I dig and understand, but love takes time, and lots and lots of lovers will tell you that they ended up falling in love with someone they never had any intention of loving in the first place.
Lachlann may well be right about there being a person for everyone. However that does not guarantee that you are going to run into them in the proper conditions.
And, there is that other question, of if that person who is out there for you is the right person for your life.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Lachlann on December 22, 2009, 01:37:37 AM
Post by: Lachlann on December 22, 2009, 01:37:37 AM
Dang it, Tekla, every time. I have to agree with you yet again, which isn't a bad thing, you tend to be one of the wiser ones around here. I always learn something about life, that's what I love about this place. I think we do over complicate things way too much.
Lust at first sight, that's definitely what I'd call it. It's not that I'm not romantic but it's the pheromones, the look, the body language and I better stop there before I work myself up... but it's not love. I think if you're going to be a romantic at least register the realities of things, but not to the point where you're overly bitter. And don't even get me started on how you come to know someone and even then it's hit or miss on how long it takes. I'm already on a tangent.
I think we could talk about relationships all day and still not get through all of it.
Lust at first sight, that's definitely what I'd call it. It's not that I'm not romantic but it's the pheromones, the look, the body language and I better stop there before I work myself up... but it's not love. I think if you're going to be a romantic at least register the realities of things, but not to the point where you're overly bitter. And don't even get me started on how you come to know someone and even then it's hit or miss on how long it takes. I'm already on a tangent.
I think we could talk about relationships all day and still not get through all of it.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: tekla on December 22, 2009, 12:11:15 PM
Post by: tekla on December 22, 2009, 12:11:15 PM
I'm hardly any sort of wise (except wise ass, I think I got that covered), I just watch a lot and, as Yogi Berra said: "You can observe a lot just by watching."
The hard part is training yourself to see what is actually there, and not what you want to be there, and to just watch and not judge or project values. And, to do that, you need to STFU and sit and let it be. We spend so much time on our own internal dialog, on our own interpretations, on projecting ourselves outward that we never really learn to sit and watch from a calm natural standpoint. We never really see what is there, settling instead for our own garbled Procrustean bed where we bend reality to suit us, not the other way round.
Or, perhaps (and it could be both) we lack experience that would inform what we see. For all the times when "I need some person in my life to love because that's the only way to true and lasting - like forever love - happiness" turns out to be true, and love lifts up and elevates (swell romantic string section here) us to be better people than we wold have been without it, for all that - there is still another side to love. The side that gave rise to the famous idea that "It's OK to love crazy until crazy loves you back." The kind of love where Chris Brown can beat up on Rihanna twice, 'cause the bitch didn't listen the first time - and because in that desperate love she went back after the first time to be there for the second go round. Until you actually see, up close and personal, how love can drain and debase people just as much as it can energize and elevate them its hard to see love in any sort of right relationship to the world and to person hood. Without the full view its all too easy to see love as some miracle be all and end all and miss it's real power and real danger.
Love is like fire. Sure, you can use it to cook a tasty meal. But you can also burn down the forest with it. And as anyone who has seen wildfires out in the Western US or in Australia, those fires don't just burn down the forest, they burn down the mountain, they burn down the world. Love can make you Rihanna too.
Love is a drug sang Roxy Music and that's not all that bad a comparison (aside from being true, as any combination of college level chemistry and biology will tell you). They can both be used and or abused, and that's a pretty fine line out there in deep space and its way hard to tell when you've gone past it until you are long past it.
So you have to - just like with fire - love carefully.
We all have to make scary decisions and wonder if it was the right one. But choosing not to do anything, to take no important steps, to not take a journey through what your life has to offer, results in a life unlived
That's pretty much the classic formula for your classic Greek Tragedy. You can write any paper on any Greek Tragedy based on this: You're dammed if you do, your damned if you don't. To the Greeks, a lot of life was not a choice between good and evil - it was between sucks a lot and sucks even more. It sucks to be Hecuba. (Hell, I can tell you that it sucks to be living with someone as I did who was doing Hecuba professionally and thus living it every day for well over half a year, as an added treat - those who know the story are going to love this - she used her, (our) children in the play. It was all kinds of messed up.) It sucks to be Agamemnon. Its not all that hot to be his daughter Iphigenia either, and by the way it also sucks to be Clytaemnestra, but in a different way.
So, if both choices suck, if you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, then what is it to be human? Well, to the Greeks (and this is why the early Christians hated this stuff and burned every copy they ever came across) the nature of humanity could only be achieved by action, and in acting you can at least defy the gods and be human.
As all the fans of The 300 know them pesky Spartans were pretty much in the same boat (they were Greek after all). There was no way they were going to avoid that war. Either way, they were going to lose. If they blocked the Hot Gates they could buy time, but they would be slaughtered, if they let Xerxes roll on into Greece it would be horrific - because horrific was pretty much the way Xerxes rolled period. So...
So, we love this story so much that almost every culture has one. In the US its the Alamo. Where a bunch of people face down overwhelming odds and certain death with hell bound for leather attitude of '->-bleeped-<- 'em, we ain't going down without a fight." We really like that kind of proud, stubborn and relentless dumb fight it out deal. It's very human. That's when the Greek Tragedies turn, when the person choose not to wait for fate (the gods) but to go out and meet them head on. Sure, you're going to lose. Hell, you were going to lose all along, so you might as well have it go down on your terms. Man becomes man, man becomes human - not in submitting to the will of the gods, but in defying them.
The hard part is training yourself to see what is actually there, and not what you want to be there, and to just watch and not judge or project values. And, to do that, you need to STFU and sit and let it be. We spend so much time on our own internal dialog, on our own interpretations, on projecting ourselves outward that we never really learn to sit and watch from a calm natural standpoint. We never really see what is there, settling instead for our own garbled Procrustean bed where we bend reality to suit us, not the other way round.
Or, perhaps (and it could be both) we lack experience that would inform what we see. For all the times when "I need some person in my life to love because that's the only way to true and lasting - like forever love - happiness" turns out to be true, and love lifts up and elevates (swell romantic string section here) us to be better people than we wold have been without it, for all that - there is still another side to love. The side that gave rise to the famous idea that "It's OK to love crazy until crazy loves you back." The kind of love where Chris Brown can beat up on Rihanna twice, 'cause the bitch didn't listen the first time - and because in that desperate love she went back after the first time to be there for the second go round. Until you actually see, up close and personal, how love can drain and debase people just as much as it can energize and elevate them its hard to see love in any sort of right relationship to the world and to person hood. Without the full view its all too easy to see love as some miracle be all and end all and miss it's real power and real danger.
Love is like fire. Sure, you can use it to cook a tasty meal. But you can also burn down the forest with it. And as anyone who has seen wildfires out in the Western US or in Australia, those fires don't just burn down the forest, they burn down the mountain, they burn down the world. Love can make you Rihanna too.
Love is a drug sang Roxy Music and that's not all that bad a comparison (aside from being true, as any combination of college level chemistry and biology will tell you). They can both be used and or abused, and that's a pretty fine line out there in deep space and its way hard to tell when you've gone past it until you are long past it.
So you have to - just like with fire - love carefully.
We all have to make scary decisions and wonder if it was the right one. But choosing not to do anything, to take no important steps, to not take a journey through what your life has to offer, results in a life unlived
That's pretty much the classic formula for your classic Greek Tragedy. You can write any paper on any Greek Tragedy based on this: You're dammed if you do, your damned if you don't. To the Greeks, a lot of life was not a choice between good and evil - it was between sucks a lot and sucks even more. It sucks to be Hecuba. (Hell, I can tell you that it sucks to be living with someone as I did who was doing Hecuba professionally and thus living it every day for well over half a year, as an added treat - those who know the story are going to love this - she used her, (our) children in the play. It was all kinds of messed up.) It sucks to be Agamemnon. Its not all that hot to be his daughter Iphigenia either, and by the way it also sucks to be Clytaemnestra, but in a different way.
So, if both choices suck, if you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't, then what is it to be human? Well, to the Greeks (and this is why the early Christians hated this stuff and burned every copy they ever came across) the nature of humanity could only be achieved by action, and in acting you can at least defy the gods and be human.
As all the fans of The 300 know them pesky Spartans were pretty much in the same boat (they were Greek after all). There was no way they were going to avoid that war. Either way, they were going to lose. If they blocked the Hot Gates they could buy time, but they would be slaughtered, if they let Xerxes roll on into Greece it would be horrific - because horrific was pretty much the way Xerxes rolled period. So...
So, we love this story so much that almost every culture has one. In the US its the Alamo. Where a bunch of people face down overwhelming odds and certain death with hell bound for leather attitude of '->-bleeped-<- 'em, we ain't going down without a fight." We really like that kind of proud, stubborn and relentless dumb fight it out deal. It's very human. That's when the Greek Tragedies turn, when the person choose not to wait for fate (the gods) but to go out and meet them head on. Sure, you're going to lose. Hell, you were going to lose all along, so you might as well have it go down on your terms. Man becomes man, man becomes human - not in submitting to the will of the gods, but in defying them.
Title: Re: Finding a girlfriend
Post by: Syles81 on December 22, 2009, 01:43:03 PM
Post by: Syles81 on December 22, 2009, 01:43:03 PM
Quote from: Lachlann on December 22, 2009, 12:46:47 AM
Thank you.
Syles, I wish you the best in your endeavors and hope that you find your answers soon. Feeling uncertain can be rather intimidating and scary. At a time there were many things I thought were not acceptable by God because I was scared of them or ignorant of them, I'm not saying that you are, but to a degree I can understand what it's like to not know and fear the consequences. And I do think it's possible that there is more than one solution to any given situation, that you can't expect everyone to do the same thing or to solve their situation in the same manner. And I hope that these answers and solutions come soon for you and work well.
And as for your relationship matters, I believe there is someone out there for everyone, several actually. I'm sure you'll be able to find a girl who will love you for who you are, regardless of orientation. There are too many people in this world with all sorts of views for there not to be at least one.
Thanks Lachlann. I hope I find the answers soon too and hope I find that right girl that will accept me for me someday.
Post Merge: December 22, 2009, 12:56:32 PM
Quote from: tekla on December 22, 2009, 01:08:56 AM
Whoa there partner, you are way overthinking the issue. All that label stuff and boxes, and who is what and what limits does that place on me - its just so much jibber-jabber. About the only thing it accomplishes is making you blind to what may well be right there in front of you, and at any rate, while you are contemplating it, you sure are not doing it. You don't date or fall in love with groups (unless you are Tiger Woods) you fall in love with people. And that's as best as I can figure out about the only way to go about it, one person at a time. It's almost like pinball, you put the ball in play, play it as well as you can, play it as long as you can and when the ball falls (and they do) you take a pause, breath deep, and play the next ball. I've never been to hot on the whole gay/straight deal, I think people push so hard on it because of some social crap, but there were people who I could have fallen in love with had a few things worked out a bit different who were not 'in my chart' as it were.
Yeah, I do label things, sometimes without meaning to. But I guess I have my mind set on not dating or looking for any women who are gay because it won't work out if I'm seeing are relationship one way and she's seeing the relationship the other way, ya know what I mean? I don't want to have a gay relationship. So since I'm stuck in this female body I can't date or else it's gunna be like a gay relationship and that is something I do not want.
Post Merge: December 22, 2009, 02:18:13 PM
Quote from: Kvall on December 22, 2009, 06:17:41 AM
Having gender dysphoria is considered an illness. Trans people are much, much more likely to commit suicide if they are unable to access treatment. So yes, that does mean that for many, it is a situation of transition or die (not for all). For that matter, there are plenty of non-fatal illnesses that we treat without moaning about whether it is natural or God's will. Cleft lip is a good example of this. People do not generally die from having a cleft lip, but surgery to fix the lip significantly improves their quality of life.
Why do you think God wants you to merely survive? Don't you think God wants you to thrive?
My understanding is that the official Catholic position is that while they do not support transition, it is preferable for the person to transition than for them to commit suicide. I think they are wrong to not support it in general, but they certainly are spot-on that it is a much better route than suicide.
I think it's also a much better route than the suffering you're going through. I don't mean to be trying to pressure you into transitioning or anything like that, but I hope that you keep your mind open to it because it sounds like it could really help you out.
As for God causing or not causing sickness... this is debated within Christianity, but John 9 gives ample support to the idea that God creates some people with illnesses and birth defects--with the intent that they be healed. In John 9, Jesus heals a blind man and when his disciples ask whose sins made the man blind, Jesus replies that "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." That is, God intentionally created the man blind for a greater purpose--to show God's healing work via Christ, and also to give the man an opportunity to have a transformative experience alongside Jesus. I recommend that you try for something similar in your life -- use this as a means to become closer to God. Pray, meditate, do whatever you normally do to connect with God, and ask for the clarity and strength to see the right path for you and to follow it.
We all have to make scary decisions and wonder if it was the right one. But choosing not to do anything, to take no important steps, to not take a journey through what your life has to offer, results in a life unlived.
If you do decide to transition, then remember that there are many ways of doing it. Some guys just cut their hair, switch to male clothes, pick out a male name, and start going by male pronouns. No hormones, no surgery. They're still transitioning, just not medically. Others will do just hormones or just surgery. Others will have hormones & top surgery. Others will have hormones, top surgery, and genital surgery. And so forth. Point is, don't feel overly pressured by the idea of transition being one set path. Your transition can be "customized" to be right for you.
Remember always that "[T]he Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7)
As for the girlfriend issue: Even if you have not taken hormones or had surgery, my experience is that many straight girls will still be open-minded about having a trans boyfriend as long as he presents as male (male haircut & clothes, goes by male pronouns and name, and so forth). The more male you look, the more it will help. I agree that a bi girl may be more likely to want to date you, just make sure that they recognize you as a guy and not as a girl or a boy-girl hybrid.
Why do you think God wants you to merely survive? Don't you think God wants you to thrive[/i]?
I agree with that.
Yeah, I agree also about the catholic church not being supportive of transitions. It's like the catholic church is pushing away someone who is different and God would never push away someone who is different. So they think they are doing what is right, but really, God would never do what the catholic church is doing, he would be accepting, right? This is where I'm confusing myself her a little bit, depending on whether transitioning is right or wrong according to God.
I wear unisex type clothes, I'm trying to get people to call me by another name, but for some reason they won't or forget or it's too weird for them to call me by another name, but I got my online friends to call me by another name. It's not the name I want, but it's just a nickname of my last name. But if I were to ever change my name for real, I'd want another name, not that nickname that my online friends call me. I have several different names I want to be called but can't decide on one. I like my hair long, (shoulder length) I don't want to cut it real short, but my hair it's still a unisex type haircut. I guess I just have to style it so I look more like a guy.
As for transitioning, I'm still thinking. But I'd have to wait until I came out to my mom and family about this before I would do any transitioning.