Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've told a few family members and "old" friends about my new name and they say well you're still 'birth name' to me, or my nickname. Saying that that's what they're going to always call me. At least my cousin asked if she could still call me it, instead of just saying she wouldn't use the new name.
Of course ppl that don't know me don't second guess it, and won't have anything to hold onto from the past. So any new friends I've made have taken to it. I have a few ftm friends, of course they understood and use it. I doubt the name will fly with any of my family, except maybe a couple young cousins. The only person that uses it all the time is my best friend, BUT the birth name still slips up a few times. I absolutely hate my birth name, its not even the fact that its female, I just have always hated it. So it sucks, cuz I've been saying that its not my name for a while now. I went by my nickname forever and everyone called me it, except the ones who knew me before I got it. I hate bringing friends around my family also, because then my family uses it. Usually my family calls me by my nickname though.

Sigh, well here's my story. I got frustrated but I guess if I tell them the real reason, then maybe they'd be more understanding?
Im just glad at least one of my real life friends gets me.



How was your 'new name' experience?

my girlfriend's willing to call me by a new name, but it did take her a while because she says she's very attached to the nickname she's been calling me. We haven't decided on the name yet though.

I've only so far explicitly told one person...

She's.. more than cool with calling my kyle...Then again, when I came out, she said something along the lines of "It's about time" at some point in the conversation.


They might warm up to the new name... Especially if you make a point to sign emails/FB-myspace messages/notes/w.e with your prefered name. It's different, and a change. I wouldn't try to expect perfection immidatly.

There was a cool trick that one ftm I know did. Every time they'd use his birth name he'd say, "Who?" until they corrected themselves.

As for name changes? Not sure. I really like the one I have now, but my parents aren't too keen on it yet but I haven't told them that I've decided on it.

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 09:12:12 PM
There was a cool trick that one ftm I know did. Every time they'd use his birth name he'd say, "Who?" until they corrected themselves.

Funny thing is, I've been doing that for a few years now.

Quote from: ccc on December 23, 2009, 09:35:30 PM
Funny thing is, I've been doing that for a few years now.

Ah, well that's a bummer then. It's hard getting people to understand how a small thing like a name is such a huge thing to us.

I had an interesting talk with my mother today about how odd it was that she knows a FtM from work and uses male pronouns with him, but still constantly (and emphasis on the constant) uses female pronounds and my birth name with me. She really couldn't give me a real answer, so I ended it with, "the family's going to have to eventually...sooner or later the T will reach the point where if you call me "she" they'll either look at you like you're crazy or me like I am."

Quote from: Lachlann on December 23, 2009, 10:09:32 PM
Ah, well that's a bummer then. It's hard getting people to understand how a small thing like a name is such a huge thing to us.

Well at least it helped my immediate family use my birth name less.

My close family call me Cindy even when I'm in drab (I'm not FT as yet) We get some funny looks.

Cindy

My old friends try their best. They get it right about 99% of the time (closer to the full 100% now though). That includes pronouns.

New people were interesting. I was using a shortened male version of my birth name when I started to study (new city, knew nobody, was already FT, didn't feel like explaining the difference in my "known as" name to my legal name). I changed it (legally) to something completely different about 2 months later, and after an initial week or two of occasional slipups they adapted just fine. Sure, nobody knew the real reason why - but they didn't need to.

My family... yeah. They haven't changed at all. I'm giving them more time. They might change (but probably not) after I'm on T and my appearance changes. They know I've legally changed it anyway, so at least I get my mail :laugh:.

I think it's harder for people that know you in a previous presentation to adapt. They look at you and still see exactly the same person as they always have. Of course they're going to slip up - especially if they've known you for a long time.

Slip ups aren't always a lack of support, and sometimes it can be hard for us to chill out, step back, and see that they may be accepting and trying in other ways (slip ups not being an outright refusal, of course).

It's not always about people not "getting" you, but in order for people to "get" you then you have to give them the correct data to "get" in the first place! You can't expect them to understand how important it is to you, without telling them - they're not mindreaders.

This doesn't mean to out yourself (though you'll have to eventually anyway if you plan on full transition, and it is the easiest way to tell the truth and get it over with), but you do need to tell them just how important it is.

Expect people to take your name a little more seriously once you've been using it for a while, and it's legally changed. Until then some people might still assume you are "trying it out" or "considering" changing it.

I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Bleah.

Well, I changed my name years before I transitioned. I put fliers into everyone's box at work. At first, my coworkers all thought it was a grand practical joke. I was known for my creative wordplay and groanworthy puns, so I guess this was seen as a novel variation. But it didn't take long at all for everyone to be on board. Of course, I was still using female pronouns.

I wasn't in touch with my family, so I never had any trouble from them. But my ex's family took ages to get the name right. I only saw them a few times a year, so I put up with it. If it were happening now, I would be much less tolerant. >:-)

It was hard getting people to call me my new name until I went on T.  I was originally going by the name Trent.  My girlfriend at the time started to call me that, but no one else did, and she felt weird being the only one doing it so just kinda stopped.  After a week on T my mom told me she hated that name and I picked out the name Jace.  Then people started catching on... I think it might be because it has the same initial as my birth name, I'm not really sure, but people starting calling me Jace.  It took a while but now friends and family call me Jace.  But yeah, there are some old friends that I don't see often that told me "I'm never gonna call you Jace, you're always gonna be *female name* to me" and I told them how uncomfortable that name makes me and they're trying.  I only have one person who just does not call me my new name or say he... we don't hang out often.

Quote from: Teknoir on December 24, 2009, 02:21:39 AM
It's not always about people not "getting" you, but in order for people to "get" you then you have to give them the correct data to "get" in the first place! You can't expect them to understand how important it is to you, without telling them - they're not mindreaders.

Hmm. I don't want to be obnoxious, but it seems to me that if a guy goes to all the trouble of changing his name and asking everyone to use that new name, I should assume that it's pretty important to him. It doesn't take psychic abilities to figure that out.

On a side note, I know that some people take longer than others, but it really does help if the person respects you and actually tries. My friend changed his name quite suddenly a number of months ago, and I never slipped up once. I used his old name one time to someone who didn't know about the new name, but that was it. I really do think that most of the people who don't get our names right are either passive-aggressive or not trying very hard.

I'm of the opinion that real friends would be willing to do that much for you. Sure, it takes some effort, but they'll put that bit of effort into it if they value their friendship with you and care about your feelings. As for me, I've spoken to a handful of my friends about my name & pronouns. They were willing to make the change. Hell, I care about my friends' feelings about this change enough that I even asked them what they thought of my preferred name, which is fairly close to my birth name. I wanted to make it easier on them, without having to sacrifice my own comfort.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 02:42:46 AM

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Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Very, very well put. And I agree completely.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
I don't understand this at all. If you were a woman (Jane Doe) and decided to marry John Smith and take your husband's last name, how many of your friends would refuse, on principle, to call you Jane Smith? How many would say, "Well, I refuse to call you Mrs. because you'll always be 'Miss' to me?" (Or if you were a woman who divorced and went back to her maiden name, for that matter.) What if you started out life as Jane and changed your name to Deborah?

Makes sense to me, I guess ppl are just so close minded these days, they can't accept change.

Quote from: ccc on December 24, 2009, 03:01:45 AM
Makes sense to me, I guess ppl are just so close minded these days, they can't accept change.

Of course, you imply in your OP that you haven't told people that you're trans--I assume that that's what you mean when you say you haven't told them "the real reason"--so maybe it WOULD help if you told them. Then again, it could be a major fiasco. It often is. ::)

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:33:59 AM
Hmm. I don't want to be obnoxious, but it seems to me that if a guy goes to all the trouble of changing his name and asking everyone to use that new name, I should assume that it's pretty important to him. It doesn't take psychic abilities to figure that out.

I don't think you're being obnoxious, but I think you may be underestimating the degree to which some people will remain oblivious to the thoughts, viewpoints and feelings of those around them :laugh:.

Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:26:55 AM
It's not the name change that people object to, it's the trans thing.

Even if it's not an outright rejection (and even when they are supportive), it seems to take them longer to get their head around it.

That's why I found it interesting to use those I had only recently met (and had only known me as a man) as a control group of sorts when I did my change. They adapted very quickly - quicker than any other group and showed the least resistance by far.

Quote from: Teknoir on December 24, 2009, 03:24:45 AM
I don't think you're being obnoxious, but I think you may be underestimating the degree to which some people will remain oblivious to the thoughts, viewpoints and feelings of those around them :laugh:.

Heh. I wasn't underestimating a-tall. That's why I said "should." :P

Quote from: insanitylives on December 23, 2009, 09:05:48 PM
They might warm up to the new name... Especially if you make a point to sign emails/FB-myspace messages/notes/w.e with your prefered name. It's different, and a change. I wouldn't try to expect perfection immidatly.

Im not expecting anything, its just the fact that they say "you'll always be "name you hate" to me. It hurts, but I know some ppl just don't understand. And I have made it a point to change my name on online communities, emails, and such. I won't give up, ill keep giving ppl chances because I know they don't rly get it. And ill try not to get so hurt.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 05:48:45 AM

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Quote from: Arch on December 24, 2009, 02:33:59 AM
On a side note, I know that some people take longer than others, but it really does help if the person respects you and actually tries. My friend changed his name quite suddenly a number of months ago, and I never slipped up once. I used his old name one time to someone who didn't know about the new name, but that was it. I really do think that most of the people who don't get our names right are either passive-aggressive or not trying very hard.

This... is so true.

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Post Merge: December 24, 2009, 03:50:35 AM

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Quote from: Brynn on December 24, 2009, 02:41:29 AM
I'm of the opinion that real friends would be willing to do that much for you. Sure, it takes some effort, but they'll put that bit of effort into it if they value their friendship with you and care about your feelings.

Exactly, if they rly cared about you and respected you they'd do what makes you happy.

Its true you have to be more patient with old friends because they have had longer knowing you by another name.  Just correct them calmly and keep it up, thats my solution.  I've gone through a rather substantial name change recently but because Alex is a unisex name I havent had to come out as trans to everyone I told.

But I did come out as trans today at the shop I work in over the holidays, my boss was lovely about it.  She is really a wonderful person.   :)

My ex-partner's family had known me by my birth name for nearly seven years when I changed it. It took more than seven years for them to use my new name consistently, but (as I said), I didn't see them that often, so they didn't have much chance to practice. And I wasn't out to them as trans, either, so perhaps they didn't fully understand (to this day, I don't think they know). But I think I was extraordinarily patient with them, mainly because they were my partner's family, not mine. (If it had been my family, I would have simply cut them off.)

Of course, I'm much less forgiving about such things now, but I won't be in that situation again anyway. If I have to deal with the parents of a new significant other, I'll be introduced as "he" and "true name." I'll just be who I am.

I honestly don't know how people stand such disrespect from their own families--their own parents, who supposedly love them. I could never do that.

Yes!
So one of my friends that knows of my birth name has been calling me by my preferred name. :]]]
My other friends still call me by my nickname, which is female, but at least they don't call me by my birth name.
They ask why do you want to be called that, I say because I rly don't like my birth name.
Whatevs, all the new ppl I meet won't have a problem with it.

The other day my mom's friend's grandson was calling me he and saying his, she thought I was offended but I just smiled. They kept trying to tell him to say her and she and to use my birth name. I kinda got mad, but its not their fault they don't know. God I hate that name, I can't wait to legally change it. It seems my family is going back to using it more often too, ugh. I rly would like to tell them, but I know they'd just think im crazy. Sigh...

I've been passing more, but the thing that stops me is my height and well of course not binding. My height is what makes ppl think im so young, and it rly sucks. It brings me down cuz I wish I was taller. Id pass way better for my age.
The other day I was in a restaurant and I could tell this whole family was staring at me trying to figure me out, it was funny cuz they thought I wasn't paying attention.

Quote from: ccc on January 04, 2010, 11:19:20 AM
I've been passing more, but the thing that stops me is my height and well of course not binding. My height is what makes ppl think im so young, and it rly sucks. It brings me down cuz I wish I was taller. Id pass way better for my age.

This is my problem as well. Until I started T and got some facial hair I had a horrible time with the age perception. I didn't get facial hair till I was 23, this caused me to still get carded to even buy lighters! Seriously, do you know how stupid it feels to get carded to buy a freaking lighter when you are old enough to drink? In the long run though I still look younger than I am, and honestly I don't have much to complain about with it, I hope it just means that I will age well haha. The height thing will always be an issue for me though, I actually told my brother that he can't be my best man because on my wedding day I refuse to stand up there and look really short and small. He understood, but he did get a good laugh out of it.

As far as the changing name thing goes, it will take a lot of time, especially for people who knew you before and have known you by your birth name or even a nickname for a long time. The people who have known you the longest will take the longest to get used to it and change their behavior. Also if you have not been straight forward about why you want to do this it is harder for them to take you seriously. It's easier to assume the person will grow out of it or just get over it if they don't realize that this is a permanent thing with a very valid reason behind it.

Wait until you actually start HRT and look male, that makes it way more interesting. Family holidays are a ton of fun, half the people call me Seth and he, the other half call me she and by my birth name. On top of that the ones who refer to me as female just act like there has been no change. As if it's just normal for a girl to grow facial hair, have a flat chest and be engaged to a MTF haha. At least when they met Bianca she had already began presenting as female and started HRT, I'm sure some of my family members haven't even caught on to the fact that she is trans as well. Although my grandmother apparently cannot pronounce Bianca....

Well the only reason I need T is for fat distribution/muscle and my voice. Other than that im naturally a hairy guy, and I have masculine features. Like broad shoulders, a defined jawline, and I can grow hair like crazy.
Age perception for me, is my voice, my height, and the baby fat I have that makes my face rounder.
I have facial hair, hahaha everyone notices. When I used to get my eyebrows waxed they'd always ask if I wanted my lip done. Id be like no thanks haha you crazy. :p
Ahh, I don't get carded much though. Maybe its because I don't do anything that asks for age. Lol like buy ciggs and what not.
Im pretty sure ill always look younger than my age, even if I go on T.
Lol I know ill age well, ppl think im a teen. Sometimes its a compliment cause I don't want to grow up, but sometimes I want to look older or my age. :/

I know, it rly bugs me. I hate being so short. But I've seen bioguys around my height. Yes, there are few but there are some. Plus im latino so that's my excuse lol.

Man I couldn't do that for my wedding, cause then nobody will be up there. :0 lol!

I know, I understand. Ppl take time to get used to change, and some ppl won't ever accept it. But im glad some frens are calling my by it! :D

I know... I've been thinking about coming out to them, and I've been dropping so many hints. But idk if they get it, cuz they mess around about the whole tg thing. Ftm and mtf, so I don't think they take me seriously. Lol I don't care I've basically told them all. Once they see me bind, and feel my package then maybe they'll finally get it. Cuz I haven't been packing lately and they always grab me there, but its been empty. :(
Im just not ready to come out to my family, which is why I rly haven't. I know I should be honest, but hey its a start for me to change my name.
But you're right, its true, ppl will probably assume its just a temp thing. But they know I hate my birthname, I never go by it. So idk.

Btw I think its awesome that your with a MTF! You guys probably have a lot in common with the whole tg thing going on, I bet you have a strong bond!

I'm of the opinion that real friends would be willing to do that much for you. Sure, it takes some effort, but they'll put that bit of effort into it if they value their friendship with you and care about your feelings.

Actually a hella lot of your real friends will give you some sort of nickname, highly embarrassing is preferable. I work closely with an FtM who went to great lengths to find just the right male name, only to drop a $14K light on one of his first big shows.  Don't matter what chosen name is/was, he's going to be 'Crash' for as long as he's in this union.

Quote from: ccc on January 08, 2010, 03:30:18 PM
Well the only reason I need T is for fat distribution/muscle and my voice. Other than that im naturally a hairy guy, and I have masculine features. Like broad shoulders, a defined jawline, and I can grow hair like crazy.

My voice was my biggest issue as well. I mean I am short, I don't have much of a fat distribution problem because I am thin and small built to begin with. I found a way to wear my clothes many many years ago that covers my hips and I was blessed with a naturally small chest that is also easy to cover and hide for the most part. I also am on the hairy side, I always got teased for having darker arm hair and leg hair when I was still living as a girl. Not to mention for the hair on my upper lip! It was always funny to me how the things that they made fun of were the things I enjoyed the most.

Quote from: ccc on January 08, 2010, 03:30:18 PM
I know, it rly bugs me. I hate being so short. But I've seen bioguys around my height. Yes, there are few but there are some. Plus im latino so that's my excuse lol.

On the note of short men, I went out shopping the other day... the sales man who helped me was so freaking short! I mean SHORT. I myself am only about 5'5 or 5'6, I was easily a head taller than this guy. The only thing that would have ever made me curious if he is actually male or not though is his height, and I only centered in on that fact because I myself am trans and have that problem. I doubt anyone else thinks anything about his gender based on his height, that realization was kind of nice to come to yesterday. It makes me understand that most people probably don't think twice about my height.

Quote from: ccc on January 08, 2010, 03:30:18 PM
Btw I think its awesome that your with a MTF! You guys probably have a lot in common with the whole tg thing going on, I bet you have a strong bond!

We really do have a strong bond. My family loves her, and actually my fathers reason is that he finally sees me with someone who can actually understand and appreciate me. Things like that are his biggest concerns for me, I mean hell I was the guys only daughter I guess I can allow him some fatherly concern ;)

I personally never thought I'd end up with another trans person. I was with a couple other FTM people when I was younger, but I didn't want to be with a man, so I gave up on that. For someone who is trans myself, I knew a lot of trans people but not many MTFs, in real life anyhow. Bianca is one of the first that I have ever had any kind of close relationship or friendship with, I think I had two MTF friends prior to having met her, and neither were people I was all that close to. Plus we never discussed being trans, it was just a given that we all were and it never came up. Bianca blew me away for many reasons, but her knowledge about transsexualism is astounding. She knows about both sides of it and she knows all about the issues, everything from breaking news to medical concerns, books and studies, this girl has it down. It was a big turning point for me, she definitely allowed me to embrace that I am a transman, not just a man. I did the opposite for her though, I made her feel like a woman instead of a transwoman, which was something she had never been open to or experienced. So in the long run, it has all been very interesting and fulfilling. And hopefully, there is more to come, we definitely have plenty of years to fill :)

I found it funny at xmas when my mum used my birth name for the first few presents then there were a few that had my birth name crossed out and my new name on ..then a few more with just my new name. I laughed at it.. it's a start and a lot more than I was expecting!! But saying that verbally I still get my birth name by my family and old friends which is unisex when shortened but still.
I do have a question for those very much post-op how long did it take for you to be called your new name by your fam & old friends?

Yes, some nicknames do stick forever. And the cool thing about mine, is its in spanish. So all I have to do is tell ppl to say it with and O at the end instead of an A. Some friends have caught on, but I haven't rly said much about it. I should probably bring it up...

i've had 3 friends call me noah which is great, one refuses to use any name for me which is...odd but ok, most use my birthname and then correct themselves and one refuses point blank to call me noah.
And the worst bit is is i thought of her as my sister and it's bloody heartbreaking to have her refuse to accept this :(
Luckily i don't live anywhere near that town anymore and all my old friends think of me entirely as male, one slips up quite a lot but he always apologises.

When I was in high school there was a girl who refused to call me Seth, she said it wasn't my real name so she wouldn't do it. We both were more than aware that the real issue was that I was trans but she would never admit it. I finally told her I was going to call her Jack. When she asked why I made a reason up, I said it was due to the economic standing of Great Britain (mind you this was a on the spot attempt at making some ridiculous...and it definitely paid off). When she told me that it made no sense and was stupid I just looked at her and said, "Exactly."

To this day I call her Jack, it's been about 10 years. Apparently she is an actress now and is going to be in some kind of upcoming movie...I want to spill the nickname to the gossip columns!

ooerr whats her name? maybe we could all star to refer to her as jack haha