Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is a response to two posts I've seen; one about someone named Kimmy who'd committed suicide after coming out to their mom, and another one about a boy who had JUST came out to his mom, and made a post after finding out that she told his dad. It was positive, I'm glad to say.

In my experience, telling my parents has brought mixed scenarios. I told my stepmother without much provocation, and she seems to treat me like I'm not really sure what I'm doing; like it's a phase. This really bums me out, because she acts like I'm a tomboy instead of a transboy. In the post about Kimmy, the mother bought a girly t-shirt; I feel that way with my stepmom. She's in between, when I'm already there.

With my mom, however, things are going much more smoothly. I haven't told her, but she lets me do things I need to without reprimanding me. She knows I wear a binder, she lets me cut my own hair, she doesn't act like she notices when my voice changes from one minute to the next, stuff like that. At one point she yelled at me for that stuff, but not anymore. I know she has a strong hunch that I'm trans, but she doesn't act on it. I mean, I'm pretty obvious about it.


I wish I could tell one of my dads, but they're just not around; jail or health problems. In any case, does anyone notice that the 'unspoken' way to tell parents works out well? Is there anyone who thought that that was a really stupid idea?

Hey Joe, Yeah I would say for sure it's better than just saying "hey guess what! I'm ___". They would be standing there thinking in their mind "no you're not.. take a look in the mirror!".

Doing little things like cutting/growing hair, growing/cutting body hair, nails, clothes, attitude, thinks you think about and talk about it's all part of the vibe you give out to others. It's proof!! It's being yourself without asking permission to do so.

So it would be better to say something like "so have you noticed I'm not very ____ anymore?". "yeeeah I have what's up with that??", "well.......". lol! :P

I'm starting to notice that the old friends/family that originally didn't understand and ran for the hills are slowly starting to come back after having some time to digest it all.
It's that "well if it took you a decade or more to get your head around it then it could take us the same!!!!".

Quote from: Muffin on January 16, 2010, 09:50:23 AM
It's that "well if it took you a decade or more to get your head around it then it could take us the same!!!!".

Everything you said was true, but this was a really good point. I hadn't thought of that. The knowledge is there, but the words for it don't come around for years. I liked the book Totally Joe (not my namesake, mind you) because the kid doesn't realize he's gay before his whole family does. I think it might be a matter of experience for those of our breed (LGBT).

I couldn't imagine how hard it is for girls, growing out their hair...no matter what my parents did to make my hair 'more feminine', I could always just shave it off. You girls must have to smuggle a wig in your room somewhere...no offense meant =]

Quote from: Call Me Joe on January 15, 2010, 09:32:28 PM
does anyone notice that the 'unspoken' way to tell parents works out well?

That's what I'm doing with my mother. Since I visit her several times a year, she has plenty of opportunity to see 'progressive changes'. I'm doing things to be happier with myself, who cares if there's a 'label' for it? Nothing would change if I was like "Hey mom, I'm trans" except that she'd freak out because that's a really stigmatized label. I'll still dress like a boy, she'll still give me crap for it. I'll still take hormones, she'll still remind me about the health dangers of screwing with nature. The big, stressful "I'm something society considers a freak" speech is entirely unnecessary. I'll do what I want, and she'll either approve or she won't. It really doesn't change anything.

I came out to my Dad about 25 years ago and his response drove me deeper into the closet.  But my ex knew and was supportive.  We were only friends at the time.  Several years later we became a couple and everything was fine.  But as it seems to happen, I went into a depression and came out to her again.  As you can tell that is why she is now an ex.

I still care very much for her, but that will only be long distance.

It stands to reason that there are only three reactions, it could get better, worse or not change.  You always just roll them dice and take the chance.  And remember time changes a lot too, often people who seem oh so accepting in the beginning drift as time goes on and it really sinks in, and others might be more reluctant at first and in time come around.

For the record, I feel its a lot better for everyone, even if they don't like it, that all the cards are on the table.  Honesty is the best way to get on with getting on.

As soon as you know you will be making permanent changes I think you should start thinking about spilling the beans.  You want advocates and friends on your side ASAP, plus time turns many people into advocates who didn't start that way, so why not get that clock ticking?  Then you have the group that will never be anything but toxic and where is the benefit in keeping them in your life for a bit longer?

Until you let all of these people in that you care so much about, you'll be stuck essentially connecting with them by proxy through an inauthentic persona.  There is no depth to such connections, which can be dangerously unhealthy.

If you don't feel a lot of emotional discomfort sort of getting to a place where it's less of a shock, I dunno it might not be bad.  I waited till I was at the proverbial make changes or die stage and I just didn't have time to handle it that way.

Anyway, I haven't always handled everything perfectly, and my regrets mostly have been for not telling people early.