Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Having struggled for over 50 years to come to terms with my gender identity problem, ultimately coming to recognize that I was TS, and even getting a definitive diagnosis from a therapist, why haven't I actually transitioned yet? In trying to understand this, I have to look at the barriers, real and imaginary, that have held me back. Here are some of the possible reasons I have considered.

Age - Probably not a barrier. Although I am on the late side of my 50's, and I read enviously of the "young and prettys", I don't think this is a factor that prevents me from moving ahead. Unfortunately, it has take many years to reach the understanding of my condition that I have now. Living as a woman would be worth it, even as an old woman.

Financial/employment - Not really a barrier. Here's an area where being older may be a benifit. I am in my late 50's. Luckily, I have stayed employed throughout most of my career and managed to save for retirement. I'm now at a point where I can see a time when I may not have to work full-time to support myself or else work in a lesser capacity to get by. In the event that my marriage didn't last, it would be more difficult financially, but probably doable.

Self confidence - Probably not a barrier. I've been a shy person all of my life. The idea of doing anything that draws attention to myself has always been unfomfortable. So, here I go and consider probably the worst thing I could do to avoid unwelcome attention. Sounds crazy, doesn't it. As I've gotten older, I have gained more self-confidence, or maybe I just care less. I think I have reached a point where I can say, "take me or leave me, but let me be me." This is something I know I need to work on regardless of whether I transition or not.

Passing/not passing - Maybe a barrier, but probably not. Could I pass? Possibly, but, like most, I need to work on this, and it wouldn't come easily. As I've watched women around me, I can see that there is a huge variation among genetic women in their ability to look feminine. I now believe, more than I used to, that attitude is the biggest consideration. Also, I'd rather be an ugly, masuculine woman than remain a man and feel what I feel inside.

Pain - This has never been a barrier to me. I know there is physical pain and discomfort to face in getting through electro and in surgery. These don't frighten me. They're nothing compared to the mental pain I've felt for years due to my condition.

Fear - I certainly don't fear the pain involved. My fears are more emotional. I fear being alone with no one in my life. I fear being an old woman and being by myself. Being older, these fears may be more real to me than are to younger transitioners. There is more time for them to find a new life with someone. In spite of these fears, I don't think these are things that keep me from moving forward.

Loss of sexual response - I know that there is always the risk that surgery may leave you unresponsive, sexually. When I was younger, this might have been a bigger concern, but it no longer is. I can envision living happily with a range of sexual expression, from being completely asexual, to lesbian, to hetero, to bi. Although I would like to be a fully responsive female, it isn't a requirement.

Long term inconvenience - There are things like dilation, taking hormones forever, etc. that are not things that I would look forward too, but they are a price worth paying. There are inconveniences of being a genetic woman that I will never experience and always wish I had. These include menstration, yeast infections, pregnancy, menopause, etc. Probably the thing that appeals the least to me is that I may need to use a wig to be passable. This is also something I could cope with. There are many convincing woman who have thinning hair. A post-op friend of my has found that a partial wig is very comfortable and convincing. Again, none of these are show-stoppers for me.

Family - This is the one that stops me everytime. Having grown up in a distant, disfunctional family, I always knew that having a close, loving relationship with my wife and children was extremely important to me. I have been lucky in finding a spouse who has been the best partner I could have wished for. My relationship with my grown children is very good. We are very close. Hurting any of them is the last thing in the world I would ever want to do. I know my transitioning would be hard for them to understand and hard for them to cope with on a personal basis. My wife has always been aware of my gender problem and has evolved in her understanding of its severity as I have. I know she loves me and wants the best for me, but she couldn't continue in our marriage if I transitioned. She has said she will support me in everyway she can, but not as a spouse if that happened.

So, I'm left with a dilemma that has no good answer. Both choices involve losses that are earth shattering in their proportions. Both choices will leave me with a void that can't be filled. My solution, to date, has been to "stay the course" (sorry to use that cliche, but I couldn't resist) while allowing myself select or occasional avenues of release for my feminine side. My wife does her best to accept this, and I try my best to accept it. It's not easy for either of us, and I don't know how long it will continue to work. I know that, if my relationship with my wife and children were lost, there would be nothing holding me back, but I also know this would be a great loss in my life, so I keep working at it. Somedays, I know I will have to transition, but I tell myself to go another day or two. So far, I have been able to pull myself back from the edge each time and continue. One of these times, I may not be able to again. Then I'm sure I will wonder why I never acted sooner and regret all the time I could have been a woman, but, then, I would never have experienced the happiness I have in my marriage.

No answers here ... just continuing questions and attempts to make sense of it. Please excuse my rambling, self-absorbed essay  Thanks for listening.

Steph

Steph B.
   I think all who have transitioned late in life have experienced the same as what you have said. I know I have. I started the transitioning process in my late 40's and I was real scared of losing my wife. She also said that she would not stay married to me if I transitioned. Over the years and a lot of talking and therapy sessions, she understood my dilemma. I guess in all that we found that our love for one another was much stronger than the gender thing. After all the only thing we gave up was sex. Now, that could be something very important to a lot of people and the younger ones would be very much a deal breaker. I like the companionship of our relationship and so does she. We don't go out to bars and we are not social butterflies. I'm 57 now and I have retired from my job of 35 years and now I have a part time job that I don't need but I need to be in the work force. I like to work and the money helps pay for my nails and hair. LOL. Now, our children, one of them accepts me and the other doesn't, but he says it has nothing to do with me. He doesn't even talk to his mother. All the rest of my family accepts me, but we are not close, so it doesn't matter one way or the other.
  You talked about being shy, well, I was very shy too. When I accepted being who I really am, I came out of my shell and I'm not shy at all. When I was in school I would take an F on a test or book report if it was give orally. I could not get up in front of people and talk. Since I have come to accept myself, I can get up in front of people and talk till I'm blue in the face. I'm not afraid of going out or saying my mind, eventhough I sometimes get in trouble for it. I'm very out spoken and present myself to the world. At first I didn't think I passed the well, now, I don't care cause I am who I am. My name is Sheila Coats, I talk kind of deep for a woman and I'm big boned and I am who I am. Take me or leave me.
I try to be nice and tolerant, but don't get on my bad side.
Sheila

Stephb, I heard it said many times from TSs who transitioned and from a TG therapist, "When you are prepared to lose everything you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you are prepared."  It's sad it has to be that way but some people have lost everything.  I lost a lot, including my kids, either totally or partially.  I still believe they will come around some day, at least that is my hope.  But I no longer have this cancer eating away at me.  I'm cured of that forever.

I asked the question recently if transitioning made you truly happy and if you'd ever go back.  Last time I read the replies not one of the members here said they would ever go back.  Once you've tasted freedom it's impossible to live in confinement again.  If for some reason I was given the choice of returning to my male life, never again being able to express my real self, or death, I'd choose death.  Going back would be death, only worse.  That's how I know I made the right choice, even if it did cost me a lot.  I'm free to be me.

When the time comes you'll know it.

Julie

Quote from: Julie Marie on November 04, 2006, 01:17:57 PM
Steph, I heard it said many times from TSs who transitioned and from a TG therapist, "When you are prepared to lose everything you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you are prepared."  It's sad it has to be that way but some people have lost everything.  I lost a lot, including my kids, either totally or partially.  I still believe they will come around some day, at least that is my hope.  But I no longer have this cancer eating away at me.  I'm cured of that forever.

I asked the question recently if transitioning made you truly happy and if you'd ever go back.  Last time I read the replies not one of the members here said they would ever go back.  Once you've tasted freedom it's impossible to live in confinement again.  If for some reason I was given the choice of returning to my male life, never again being able to express my real self, or death, I'd choose death.  Going back would be death, only worse.  That's how I know I made the right choice, even if it did cost me a lot.  I'm free to be me.

When the time comes you'll know it.

Julie

I used to think that the whole "I'd rather DIE than go back!" was just bravura.  That is until "I" hit the wall...  I think my time is coming...

When it came to me that the choices in my life boiled down to going back and start pretending to be that guy that everyone used to know, or go forward with virtually nothing, but finally being truthful to yourself for possibly the first time in your life.

Truth and life, or lies and death.  It really is that simple.  And that devestating for me.

Right now I have to choose life.  And everytime I think about all I could loose, I weep and sob.  There are so many tears for me to shed.  But, I will shed them. 

For me it IS a matter of life and death.

Usually I'm not this dark.  I hope to post some happy stuff soon!  Really I am a happy girl normally...

-Sandy

Yeast infections?  Oh yes... you can experience them!  I've had more than I've ever wanted.  I hate them.... Don't wish for that!

Hormones the rest of your life?  Oh no, you can experience menopause too! It has taken me nearly three years to get through it!  I'm younger than most menopausal women, but I've done the deed now.... no more hormones for this chick.

I hate to burst your bubble, but you can experience many of the same painful experiences that normal women have.

Or, perhaps you can hang on just a little while longer.  If you can, do it.  One day at a time. 

Another option that you may not have considered is castration (it can be done chemically so no physical changes are required).  I would strongly encourage you to look into it.  It may give you some relief. 

Cindi Jones
bending light and time

If you are in your 50s and still have to weigh the options, then you would probably be better off not doing it. My transition wasn't a choice once the bell went off but if I hadn't had money for FFS  re-locate to San Francisco, I would probably be pretty miserable as opposed to the way I am now, which is in a state of almost constant bliss! Again, I pulled it off but it wasn't easy and I would not counsel anyone except those who have to do it to do it.

One red flag in your post is that you are worried about your sexual abilities, that indicates to me that you might not be trans. TS anyway.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 09, 2006, 08:08:31 PM
One red flag in your post is that you are worried about your sexual abilities, that indicates to me that you might not be trans. TS anyway.

I think this has pretty much been debunked. While it used to be thought that all transsexuals lacked sexual desire, and it was considered a precondition, it is now known that only about 40% experience this lack of sexual desire. It is easy for me to see how if one has no sexual desire, the decision would be much easier. If one doesn't enjoy it, then one certainly is not missing anything. However, for many of us, sexual response is a wonderful thing, perhaps the only enjoyable thing we have experienced, losing it would be a great loss. Yet, as you have seen, when it comes down to losing sexual response or remaining in the gender we were born, we will accept losing our sexual response as a more than fair trade off.

Love Always,
Elizabeth

After I re-read Stephb's post, I may have misunderstood it. My initial read was that she was concerned about losing male sexual function. After further reading, I don't think she is saying that. However, fearing loss of male sexual function indicates to me a contra-indication to the diagnosis of transsexuality.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 09, 2006, 10:09:58 PM
However, fearing loss of male sexual function indicates to me a contra-indication to the diagnosis of transsexuality.

I would be curious to know where this information comes from. The information I have read here at Susan's, refutes that beleif.

Quote
No differences in reported frequency of experienced sexual need were found between the pooled group of transsexuals and the respective pooled group of normals, x2(1) = .018, ns. Nor were any differences observed between the separate groups of transsexuals and the respective subgroups of controls.

https://www.susans.org/reference/sexactiv.html (https://www.susans.org/reference/sexactiv.html)

I beleive this idea that true transsexuals should not fear loss of sexual response is not true or accurate, as stated above. I suggest you read the entire article. Just as it was also once thought that all transsexuals must only be attracted to same biological sex, we now know that also is not true.

Love always,
Elizabeth

I don't want to get into an argument but that study doesn't address what I am referring to. A person who wants to retain his male sex drive and male organs is not a transsexual IMO. I suppose a case could be made for non-op transsexuals depending on the reason that the person wants to remain non-op. IMO valid reasons would be financial, fear of surgery etc. Being able to retain male sexual function is not a valid reason.

I think the keyword here is "male".  Anyways I leave the diagnosis between the person and their therapist.  Trying to do so in an informal and amateur way could be hurtful and potentially damaging to their transition.  For instance if you told somebody they were not TS based on some misinformation and they were in fact TS, they could become suicidal thinking they have no options.  So I'll leave it to the professionals to diagnose, but ultimately it is the responsibility of the individual to be completely honest since they are the one who will have to live with the consequences.

Melissa

I am of the opinion that not much is known about transsexuality so as far as things being bunked or debunked, it's all conjecture.

As far as being diagnosed as a transsexual, I never felt that I was diagnosed, I already knew what I was and needed only confirmation and not diagnosis. Luckily, my therapist was an expereinced gender therapist and understood where I was coming from.

My opinion is my opinion and I am not here to judge others.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 10, 2006, 11:01:48 AM
As far as being diagnosed as a transsexual, I never felt that I was diagnosed, I already knew what I was and needed only confirmation and not diagnosis. Luckily, my therapist was an expereinced gender therapist and understood where I was coming from.

My opinion is my opinion and I am not here to judge others.

Good for you. :)

Melissa

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 10, 2006, 10:22:35 AM
I don't want to get into an argument but that study doesn't address what I am referring to. A person who wants to retain his male sex drive and male organs is not a transsexual IMO. I suppose a case could be made for non-op transsexuals depending on the reason that the person wants to remain non-op. IMO valid reasons would be financial, fear of surgery etc. Being able to retain male sexual function is not a valid reason.

I am not trying to argue here. I asked for the source of your information. If this is an opinion that you hold just because you beleive it, that is different that saying it's a true thing. You are clearly much farther down the road than me and as you know information is everything. I am trying to find out where I am and where I need to be going. Passing on information as if it were the truth, just because you choose to beleive it, does not help me. I need the truth and only the truth.  I don't buy into this whole "true transsexual" argument, simply because there would be no explanation for my existence.

Now if transsexuals enjoy sexual gratification the same as non-transsexuals, then one can hardly say that losing that gratification is not a loss to be concerned about. I beleive this is a source of misinformation that is spread by transsexuals that don't enjoy male sexual pleasure. This is why it is so important to know the source of the information.

In fact if anyone has any information, other than just opinion, on this matter, I would greatly appreciate it.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Everything posted here is our opinion. There is almost no hard science today as far as transsexulity goes. We are in the dark ages now, kinda like where surgery or pyscho-analysis was at the turn of the 20th century.

Most transsexuals can't agree to a definition of same. So if you are looking for absolute truths, better plan on living another 100 or 200 years.

Here is how Calpernia Addams defines transsexual:

QuoteThere are lots of ways to ask/answer this question... my main interest here is just how people define "transsexual" themselves. I know there are external politics at play, like how "the legal system" defines it, etc.
* To me, "transsexual" describes someone who has undertaken the steps necessary to cross("trans") sex-ual lines from their original legal/social/medical gender to their target gender. Wrapped up in that definition are the current legal definitions of gender (pretty well documented), social definitions of gender (wildly variable depending on who/when/where you ask) and medical definitions of gender (pretty well documented). Then there is an overarching idea that there is some cosmic, universal, spiritual definition of the ideas of gender and sex that we can only ever imperfectly understand... the only evidence of this is the "gut feeling" that one might get from meeting someone that they are "feminine" or "masculine". We attach the psycho/spiritual concept of "feminine" to the biological concept of "female" and psycho/spiritual concept of "masculine" to the biological concept of "male". But do those psycho/spiritual qualities really exist, or are they just two ends of a single continuum/line that should just be called "human"? Probably in a perfect world, that last thing is the real truth, and people should just be allowed to "be", however they want, without needing the labels.
* In the world we live in now, people can't accept a gender identity without its matching sex (biologic) identity. Even we ourselves can't, or we wouldn't transition medically/legally -- we'd just act and dress how we wanted to.
* Where do people fit in who never have the operation, like a perfectly "passable" Thai ladyboy (the word "ladyboy" is gross to me, much like "->-bleeped-<-")? Since "sex" is a biological/physical characteristic, and they have not "crossed" from A to B biologically/physically, they are technically "transgendered" -- crossing gender lines. If Person A considers "passability" to be the mark of who is a woman and who isn't, then this person would be "a woman" to Person A, and the tall, unpassable person who had vaginoplasty would not be "a woman". To legal-expert Person B, Thai person would be male and vaginoplasty person would be female.
* My philosophy comes down to a mix of compassion and realism. I have empathy and compassion for anyone with gender dysphoria (unhappiness with their gender). I will personally respect someone's chosen gender presentation regardless of whether I detect gender cues that tell me they may have had chromosomal and hormonal influences in the other direction at key points in their lives. And because I think that at the heart of it all, people should be able to be how they want to be, I will support legal and social battles for that right for anyone who is willing to work for it.
* Realistically, I understand that we live in a world made up of free-willed individuals who are going to choose the philosophical path of least resistance and greatest self-benefit most of the time. Most average people in the world were born with sex matching gender identity, and most of their friends are the same way, and most laws benefit their desires, dreams and feelings so they are not going to change them unless it makes sense to them. Transwomen who play by the rules of the majority are going to get more sympathy and support from the people in power, and luckily for me I like the system of male/female pretty much as it's set up so I don't mind playing the game.

Quote from: melissa90299 on November 12, 2006, 05:49:27 PM
Everything posted here is our opinion. There is almost no hard science today as far as transsexulity goes. We are in the dark ages now, kinda like where surgery or pyscho-analysis was at the turn of the 20th century.

Most transsexuals can't agree to a definition of same. So if you are looking for absolute truths, better plan on living another 100 or 200 years.

Thanks for your reply, there is wisdom in your words. I realize there is little research and solid science on this. It's just that there is also a lot of misinformation. Also, as I alluded to in one of my previous posts, I agree that if male sexual response were the sole reason to keep someone from transitioning, they may not have the intense feelings of gender dyphoria typical in preop transsexuals. I confused this with "any" concern about loss of sexual response, which I now realize is not what you were saying. While I do enjoy the feeling of orgasm, it does not compete with what I expect will be the contentment of having the correct body. Not even close. I would not keep my penis just to have orgasms.  I am sure that seems insane to non transgendered men, but it makes perfect sense to me, after a lifetime of hating my male body.  Having said that, if I can come out of surgury and still have sexual sensation, that would be a bonus, although I have heard many postop transsexuals say that postop sexual response may not be that great, so not to count on it.

I guess your point was, if sexual response is important to you, transition is probably not a good idea. Thanks again.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Sorry, I started this post and then went away for a week.

Just to clarify ... sexual response is not a barrier or a concern that keeps me from transitioning. As I wrote, the main thing that keeps me trying to get by, is my relationship with my wife and kids. So far, I have managed to get through the hardest times, although sometimes I don't know how. Of all the things I listed, sexual response is one of my least concerns ... not that I wouldn't enjoy having sex as a woman.

Steph

Quote from: stephb on November 12, 2006, 11:10:52 PM
Sorry, I started this post and then went away for a week.

Just to clarify ... sexual response is not a barrier or a concern that keeps me from transitioning. As I wrote, the main thing that keeps me trying to get by, is my relationship with my wife and kids. So far, I have managed to get through the hardest times, although sometimes I don't know how. Of all the things I listed, sexual response is one of my least concerns ... not that I wouldn't enjoy having sex as a woman.

Steph

However the fear of loosing family and friends should not be a barrier if you are TS, as not transitioning could make both your life and theirs a living hell.

Steph

Here they are, the basic barriers to transitioning.  We hear them so often and we live them.  For some reason, a few of us are able to conquer them.

1) My religion forbids it.
2) My family won't condone it.
3) I can't make the decision.
4) I don't have enough money.
5) I'll never pass.

There they are. 5 little black posts that support a seemingly unyielding barrier.  Sooner or later, we figure out that it's just a barbed wire fence.  We learn to cross it, go through it, or just run it down.

Gentlemen and women, start your tractors!

Cindi

Interesting Cindi.  Once I realized I was at least TG, I took a month or so just to be sure I was really transitioing for the right reasons.  Even after I got my first HRT letter, I continued therapy because I didn't want to make a decision I would regret.  A month later, I knew it had to happen.  It was seriously impairing me and my ability to function in daily life and I couldn't go on without transitioning.  I think when I realized that I just couldn't go on in the male role is what finally got me through the last barrier, which sounds like the "3) I can't make the decision." option.

Melissa

I would have to say mine is 5, Cindi.

The "Me" that looks out of the eyballs has an internal view that is completely feminine.  When that "Me" catches a glimpse of the physical Me in the mirror, I feel like a guy in a dress.

As time goes along, though, I'm starting to see the woman in the mirror now.  When that is pretty much all I see, then I will have gotten over that barrier.

-Sandy

Quote from: Kassandra on November 14, 2006, 07:52:28 PM
I would have to say mine is 5, Cindi.

The "Me" that looks out of the eyballs has an internal view that is completely feminine.  When that "Me" catches a glimpse of the physical Me in the mirror, I feel like a guy in a dress.

-Sandy

Well let me tell you a little secret Sandy... every time I look in the mirror, I wonder how in the world I get by.  Because that old me is getting older and uglier every day.  And I just laugh.  For you see, the joke is on them now.  When you look in the mirror and can say to yourself that you "feel good today", you will have won.

Cindi

tinkerbell :icon_chick:

You Tink,  I truly wish that I could get "it" back.  For you see, there are those here who could really use one.  I would have been perfectly happy to trade "it" in.


Cindi

Quote from: Cindianna_Jones on November 14, 2006, 10:18:36 PM
You Tink,  I truly wish that I could get "it" back.  For you see, there are those here who could really use one.  I would have been perfectly happy to trade "it" in.


Cindi

Cindi, you little mood face should be this one tonight >:D......

;)


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tinkerbell on November 14, 2006, 09:22:47 PM
MTF's were not supposed to be attracted to females and FTM's were not supposed to be attracted to males; otherwise, they wouldn't be considered transsexual.

So, if MTFs were bisexual, were they denied because this included attracting to females as well as males? ???  Just curious.

Melissa