Susan's Place Transgender Resources

To twist another thread somewhat, how old were you when someone else realized you were miss-gendered (without being told anything)?

It happened a couple times growing up.  My dad was in the reserves and he would bring home little uniforms for me to wear.  For Halloween, I wanted to dress up like an "army man" and my parents let me.  Every house we went to (or so the story goes, according to my mom) the person who answered the door would call me sir and little boy, etc.  I was about 6 or 7. 

One year for Christmas we went to Disney.  I think I was 9.  It was cold so I had a jacket on and my hair pulled back in a cap.  The park workers called me he and little boy and whatnot that night (it was an after dark party).

So I guess they didn't so much as realize I was misgendered but know my correct gender even when I didn't. ;)

When your five year old "son" demands (and eventually gets!) a party frock, insists on a Barbie for Christmas, and even gets you to speak to the school about allowing "him" to go to school wearing a kilt it's probably fairly obvious...  ;D LOL

Amazingly my parents went along with it all too although they later claimed that they only did so because the doctor told them it was probably the quickest way to make me grow out of it... how wrong he was!

Dr Robert Romanis - where ever you are now, for that advice, I am in your debt sir!

As far as anyone saying anything, I don't remember that anyone did.  But my girl cousin, rest her soul, always treated me as a sister growing up.  She would teach me things that girls are taught growing up.  And her mother, my Mom's sister, would do the same thing.

Mom might have realized it because when I was growing up, sh also taught me things, as she said once. "That a good wife should know" ( this was from a young woman of the 30s and 40s ), but she would say "But boys need to know it too".

I do remember once I had made dinner for my Mom, Dad and a visiting Uncle.  It included dessert.  After dinner my Uncle said "You'll make someone a good wife one day".

Maybe they all saw something.  I don't know because they are all gone now, and I can't ask them.  :'(

People have always seen me as, at the least, unusual for a guy. I'll always remember the day a friend (a girl) told me I should be given an "honorary vagina" (because I liked Tori Amos), and people have always noticed my best friends were girls, and that I didn't act like a typical guy at all. My mother has always said that I wasn't like "other boys" as a baby.

But I'm pretty sure nobody put two and two together. Few people seemed particularly surprised by my transition, but I managed to find my niche among the misfits and nerds, so nobody really cared that I didn't act "normal."

When I was 5 I played house with a girl friend of mine.  I always wanted to be the mommy.  I think my mother knew although she never mentioned it.  She taught me how to cook, sew, let me watch her put on make up, among other things. 

After she died (I was 11 as well Tasha so I know your pain.  Big hugs).  My father had to raise me on his own.  A career navy man, he didn't quite take to the whole concept when he realized I was borrowing my step sisters clothes.  He later told me that my grandmother had notified him of my "tendencies" before he moved us away to his new assignment.

I had an uncle find me trying on my mom's clothes when I was 7.  He dragged me by my ear into the basement of his house and locked me in.

I was in my early 30's. My now ex and I were starting our relationship. After we had sex the first time we were laying togather and just basking in afterglow. I said something I do not remember what it was and she got a curious look on her face and said.."your a woman aren't you? Your soul is female. What is your name?"
I lost it, I fell into a blubbering mass of tearfulness that lasted an hour or more. I told her everything and my name and she swore to keep my name and secret precious. We maintained a relationship for about 3 years before she cashed me in for a more manly model...My best friend. However she never once violated me behind my transgender status. She kept that secret, even if she did tell the judge alot of bull->-bleeped-<-.

Wow Cynthia.. that's an amazing story. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

I got mistaken for a girl a lot before puberty, which I secretly liked but drove my parents NUTS. After I started dating girls, I got a lot of comments like "you're not like the other boys I've dated," and "has anyone ever told you that you kiss like a girl?"

There were always signs I was different...

Like most of you, it was an early age for me.  I loved playing with my sister's Barbie and Skipper dolls (and of course trying on all the cool outfits on them).  It was probably about 5 or 6.  I somehow knew I shouldn't have been doing this (I haven't really thought about this, maybe I was unkowingly exhibiting other characterists, so my Mom's antenae may have already been up and she might made some comment to me, I don't remember), so I was pretty good at covering my tracks for a while.  Eventually, my sister ratted me out and my Mom knew something was askew with me.

Quote from: mtfbuckeye on January 24, 2010, 04:15:18 PM
Wow Cynthia.. that's an amazing story. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk.

I got mistaken for a girl a lot before puberty, which I secretly liked but drove my parents NUTS. After I started dating girls, I got a lot of comments like "you're not like the other boys I've dated," and "has anyone ever told you that you kiss like a girl?"

There were always signs I was different...

I cant tell you how many times I heard 'your not like other guys". I would be inwardly happy and be smug for days. ...'Damn right I am not like other 'guys'. LOL

Out of shame and fear I felt like I kept it well hidden while growing up, it wasn't until high school that it was noticeable that puberty didn't have as much an effect on me. Once I left school and started working I had kids mistake me for a girl as I had long hair and I had to wear a hat. I guess to me that would of been the first time, that was when I was 19-20.
Then when I was 24-25 when I was slowly moving from my old group of friends to a new one the gay rumours increased (from the old friends) from just jokes to serious I didn't even act gay I disliked that I just wasn't manly.. a part of me felt that I must correct the assumptions with... the truth. Plus at that time I was going out as 'me' a lot more out of sight of my friends and I disliked having to go back to male for day to day living, so I guess those two factors were mostly what pushed it to the surface. OH but the question yeah 19-20.. *blush*

I vividly remember my neighbor calling me a "queer" when I was around 4 or 5. I had been out playing and I was a somewhat happy go-lucky little girl. Life was (and still is) very beautful to me back then. I had friends to play with and my Black Lab named KC who might as well have been my shadow. Anyhow I was coming home and the neighbor opened his screen door and said "Queer." I felt a little stunned. I knew Queer was a word used to call feminine males. I just don't understand why a grown person would say something like that to a four year old!

???

QuoteTo twist another thread somewhat, how old were you when someone else realized you were miss-gendered (without being told anything)?

No one ever said anyting like that to me, or indicated they thought I was miss-gendered, at least in a nice way.  I was called a lot of names. Even an uncle that would make fun of me by calling me Susie.  Mostly, though, I tried not to draw any attention to myself.

It would be interesting to have a good talk with my mom about how she saw me when I was young - there was a lot of stuff there but the details are to vague for me.

Huh, the closest I got to any of that is this:

One time, when I was five or so, and spending time with my friend who's two years older than me he said "you know, you're not like other girls" and I still remember that.

And a few of these "you're one of the guys" comments here and there from my current friends. Mom probably thinks something's askew now that I look like a boy because of the way I dress, short hair, guy friends, says I move like a guy, all that. Don't try to girl myself up so I don't get "mistaken" for a guy all the time.

My peers picked up on it since I was old enough to have peers (about the start of school age... 4, 5-ish).

Most of the time, it wasn't in a nice way.

My parents realised quite early that I was soft and needed toughening up.

But the first time I think they made any mention of my sexuality was when I was about 8 or 9. It was during one of the beatings they did. These generally involved lecture periods, which were more agressive shouting than anything else. They told me that I would end up like one of those homos who sleep in dirty alleyways, eat garbage and attack little boys. I would go to prison where I would be beaten to death by the other prisoners and no-one one would care.

I seem to recall, they stopped there because I wet myself.

To be fair to my parents, I think their view of the world was very one-sided. I remember, when I was about 14, they were blaiming modern society for all these sex perverts, and that it was never like that in their day.

I told them that Noel Coward, Ivor Novello and Cole Porter were all homosexual. Wasn't a very good idea really. I would probably have got a better reaction if I said their fathers were homosexual.

Probably the moment I didn't stick my toe in my mouth my mother figured I was a bit of a carrot between the oranges - colour match, but tut-tut-tut....

Fairly often she asked me if I was sure I didn't want to be a boy. Fairly often I answered 'No' (the other times 'I don't know'). This continued from kindergarden to middle school to high school to when I declared to be gay to when I declared I wasn't actually gay and when I explained my androgyne identity. She accepted and accepts either/or/and, but always tends to check 'Are you sure this isn't because you want to be a boy sweetheart?'. She'd probably ask too if I declared I was a cucumber, followed by an 'I love you anyhow'.  8)

Hmmm.  Hard to say.  Looking back I can see that in many ways my childhood best friend treated me pretty much like her boyfriend.  And before the dawn of puberty, and experiencing my first real crush on a boy, I was pretty comfortable in that role.  Even in our early teens she tried to get me to make out with her, although to my knowledge she is, to this day, completely straight. 

My grandmother's 2nd husband gave me a tux when I was 4 or 5.  I'm not sure if he sensed something, or if it just didn't fit the intended recipient, and I was the right size.  My grandmother died shortly after that, and I never saw him again, so I have no other interactions to judge from.

And there was the boy in my 5th grade class who said he liked me because I "Don't care if someone is a boy or a girl."  I got the impression at the time that he meant I acted as much like a boy as like a girl.

I remember when I was about 12 and finally won the battle to choose all of my own clothes, I was occasionally mistaken for a boy, despite having hair down to my waist.  In fact, I remember distinctly one day in the video store a little kid asking me if I was a boy or a girl.  I remember feeling very uncomfortable with the question because of the battle between the answer that was technically true and the answer that felt true.

I now also realize that one of my co-workers when I was in my early 20's almost certainly knew.  I remember she dropped several casual mentions of trans-guys she knew.  At one point she loaned me a book, saying that the protagonist's sister made her think of me, and she thought I'd like it.  The sister was a girl in her early teens who posed as a boy in order to be a drummer in a Civil War reenactment group.  (At the time I was a drummer at a Renaissance Faire, so I convinced myself that that was all my co-worker was referring to.)

As an adult I was mostly mistaken as Lesbian, to the extent that some people reacted with disbelief when they found out I liked men.  :D  Come to think of it, I did have a couple friends in high school ask me, in a round about way, if I was gay.

But I don't have any instances where anyone came out and said, "You're really a boy, aren't you?"

I guess my father knew from his behavior.  I was put on sports teams and sent to the boy scouts neither of which I liked very much.  When I mother taught me to sew he flipped out she was not sure why he did just yelled back at him.  For now they both think I grew out of it.  Sometimes when my father and I talk  he makes it a point to tell me he is greatful to have grandchildren from me.  Sometimes I feel like telling him "thanks for making go to boy scouts I met my first boyfriend there" just to stick it to him. One of these days I will tell him all though it might kill him.   As for my mother everytime I tried to talk to her about it she pretended not to hear what I said, so I don't bother bring it up anymore.  Anytime I see either one they ask me when I am going to cut my hair it is longer then both my sisters right now.

For the first good experience I friend of my wife we were all out bowling.  I still do not know how she knew we just met for the first time.  She said "it is nice to have a girls night out".  I came out with the truth about myself a couple days after to my wife and she told me about what her friend said to her about me the night we were bowling together.  I was 20 years old at the time. 

can not remember the exact age. but often adults will tell me that i needed to shake hand like a man. that boys don't shake hand softly.

they made me feel so ashamed that i tried to be less soft, but with absolute no success. 

I also remember my father once shouting in an angry voice saying: why do walk like this?

Then for a few days  hysterically shouting at me: WHY DON'T YOU WALK NORMALLY?????

back then i was telling myself: what i did do wrong, why is he like that?

of course today i understand what happened.

this created some trust issues between me and my parents, they never ever knew that i escaped twice from rape, and i did not feel the courage to tell them.

My mum says she knew when I was very young, 5 or 6.

My nan realised it whilst I was in kindergarten.  I suspect there must have been something 'amiss' with my 'behaviour'.    ::)

People knew when I was a wee child.  There are some things in life that are very difficult to hide & this is one of them.

When I was very very young.  People knew I was different, but they didn't really know what to make of me.  I'd get teased incessantly about my non-masculine traits.  I knew why...but I wasn't about to tell them and add fuel to the fire.
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My dad was a bit of a raging control freak (to the point that it wasn't even safe to tell him about the mundane aspects of my day...much less something like this.), so I was always very mindful and careful about what I did. I usually stayed pretty quiet and out-of-the-way, so while I was still different, as I grew, people tended not to notice as much.

Quote from: Valeriedances on January 30, 2010, 10:26:30 AM
Everyone's response are touching, thanks. It is interesting to go back through memory lane, some memories more painful than others. I will share as it can be helpful to tell our stories and is good for me to tell mine.

My father knew when I was young. My mother had died and I was raised by him, along with 3 sisters and a brother. When I was 10 he grabbed me by the arm and forcibly dragged me sobbing into my sisters room. He was a man of much rage, an alcoholic (though that doesn't excuse him), and very frightening. He lined up my siblings and had them stand there in silence while he made me change into my older sister's nightgown in front of them. He then forced them to all mock me. I still hear their voices after all these years, calling me by my name, 'Valerie', with mocking, singing tones, while I stood there shaking. All the while, he had a look of shame and disgust on his face as he recognized that I was a girl. He taught me shame.

I fear him to this day.

Oh Valerie, I'm so sorry.  I went through something very similar with my father.  After my mother died he married a woman who had 3 daughters who were very close to my own age.  When therapy, kicking me out of the house when nobody else was home, and handcuffing me to the stairs didn't work my father and stepmother had me parade around in my sisters' clothes in front of the whole family.  They kept asking me if this was what I wanted, and how silly I looked.  They had made me feel so ashamed that I had to bury it soo deep that it would never surface again.   Although there were times that I had flareups I was able to keep my GID under control.  Everything came crumbling  down when I was 36 and I decided to finally be me again.  Big Hugs hon.  I understand.

I too understand and sympathise.

I know, in my case, my parents were frightened. Their generation was brought up believe their parents, that there would be no more war. Then WW2 created so much fear. In the 50s, everyone was certain that another war was coming so all young men would need to fight.

A gay, effeminate son would not only be useless, he would bring shame on his brave brothers and family.

 :P ;D This story is entirely true :
I had the opportunity to have had a chance to have interviewed the Late Christene Jorgensen in 1970 at Virginia Commonwealth University. We were just kind of talking casualy when she " Outted me " about ten minutes into the interview . Now it was a one on one deal . There was no one else there . I was totally blown away like I had never been blown away before either ! Rememeber it was Richmond Virginia , and 1970 ! I asked her as to where I would continue to transition and retain work . I reminded her that Richmond wasn't then and or now exactly a metropolis mecca. I also reminded her that where she was in Los Angles that Transpeople even there wern't exactly wanted either . I reluctently stayed in the closet until 1994. Ellen

1st or 2nd grade?  We would have huge boys against girls tag games at recess, and finally one day the boys let me be on their team.  They claimed it was because teams would have been uneven otherwise though, but I didn't care. 

The first time I was referred to as male was about a year ago.  I was at an art gallery, when an MtF (who became one of my closest friends soon after) came over to a mutual friend of ours and asked "What's his name?".  I hadn't told him anything yet, so my friend corrected her, saying I was a girl, while I said nothing.  Later that night I was talking to her and said "You were right, but he doesn't know yet." and I introduced my self as Kyle for the first time IRL.