Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Okay, this is something that kind of bugs me. Whenever I meet someone either whom I have known from my past and is just finding out about me or someone new, who can see that I am trans and wishes to talk about me being trans; inevitably, they say something to the effect, "well, as long as you're happy". I've just about reached the point in which that really ticks me off and I'll tell you why.

It took me a little while to work this over in my head (dense as it is) and understand why the phrase irritates me so. I used to feel, when I heard it said, who ever it was had some level of support for me and my need to transition. And, honestly, some people do genuinely have that feeling. But, for others it is just a way to avoid accepting it themselves. Yet, this in and of itself isn't what I've come to have displeasure over either. The real reason is, they just don't get it! None of them! These people continue to think that I made a "choice" to transition. And that by doing so, they hope I'm happy! Transitioning isn't only about making yourself happy. Heck, truth be known, most of my life prior to transitioning, I was pretty happy with. With that, most everything that I do these days is very much the same as it was prior to transitioning and I am still as happy as I was before!

What I now inform those that wish to discuss my transition and make the assumption "as long as you're happy" is:
"I am happy, was happy and will continue to be happy. And what you need to understand is the following: I transitioned because a). I had to, and b). I needed to feel RIGHT about and with myself. and c). I had to! Transitioning really didn't have anything to do with being happy!"

Does it make a difference in the way they see it? Yeah, sometimes. Still, occasionally someone ends the conversation with, "good, I'm glad you're happy". AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!

How do the rest of you feel about this?


Dawn

It makes me wonder if they are not happy with their own life.  Or is it that they are not happy about the fact that we are doing something that they find strange, unusual or just plain freaky.

So 'Hell Yes I am happy'.  The one that really gets me is "You are so brave".  WTF does that mean?  Is it brave to be yourself?  It took bravery to be the other person.  Afraid to show your true self.  It isn't 'To be happy', nor is it because we are so brave. 

It comes from fear.  We are afraid that we will take our own lives if we don't transition.  It is fear that someone will reject us because we were, prior to transition, we were as just a little too weird.  It is fear that drives us.  A fear that if we don't transition then we are living a lie.

To transition is to stop living a lie.  A lie that made others feel that all is right with the world.  Get over it!  All is not right with the world and it is because we had to live a lie, because the world saw us one way and we were really another.

But then again, it is Just My Humble Opinion.


Janet

I don't know that anyone has said "as long as you are happy" to me, but the general attitude where I live seems to be that.  Some people get it; some don't.  As long as they allow me to be me then I'm not too worried about it, although understanding is really nice.

I have gotten the "you are so brave" thing.  I never know what to say.  I kind of dismiss it.  Usually I say something like: "Maybe, but I finally had to be who I really am."  Sometimes I can see a little light bulb go off in their heads.

The first time I saw one woman after becoming Kate, she asked me "how's that working out for you?"  I replied to the question even though I knew what she really meant.  But I do that.  I reply to the question or statement people say rather than what they mean.  Sometimes it drives them crazy. >:-)

- Kate

to me it's the other person saying "I may not understand what you're doing, but if it makes you happy then that's all that matters."  It's basically also the same as saying "whatever floats your boat" which is a whole different level of meaning.

I agree with you though, it makes me happy like breathing makes me happy, like waking up in the morning not dead makes me happy. If you told them you'd thought about it and decided to continue breathing, I wonder if they would say "as long as you're happy"? lol

Granted I'm an idiot, but the other option is 'being miserable' so the logical answer is, "YES."

I got the being brave comment and the long as it 'makes' you happy from the same person yesterday. well I aint brave really and 'it' can't make me or anyone else happy. That is something people do with and for themselves.

I've gotten that "brave" comment a few times.
I won't deny that there is some element of bravery in this.
When I feel obtuse I sometimes reply, "How brave do you have to be to flee a burning building?"

Quote from: tekla on January 29, 2010, 07:39:57 PM
Granted I'm an idiot, but the other option is 'being miserable' so the logical answer is, "YES."

I love your comments because they make so much sense, in a down to earth sort of way.

I'd love to have the opportunity to say that to someone. (A certain someone but we won't go there!!).

Is this the same thing as saying? "You chose to make that life style change" as if we have any real choice. I have been refusing to answer. I just how to begin.
I have found that it's seems to be generational. The younger generation are more accepting, in general. Most of the people I associate with, both social and professional, are very traditional and in old world ways.
Sarah
congrats on your good news! 

Well, if you need them to respond in a certain way in order not to be upset, prepare to be upset.  For me, it doesn't matter how anyone interprets my actions.  I will offer an explanation and if they don't get it, I will help them understand IF they want to.  If they don't, that's okay too.  It doesn't change who I am.  There's a lot I don't get about other people and I doubt any of them lose sleep over it.  Why should I lose sleep over them not getting me?

Hmmm...

"I'm glad you are happy" and "as long as you're happy" have slightly different meanings to me.  The latter being a little bit annoying and the first one being nice.  Neither one of them have a controlling overtone to them, so they don't bother me that much.  Leave me be, that is all I ask.

I'm happy with any reaction that isn't completely negative, like bursting into tears etc., which has happened to me :-\, or many of the other reactions I've had to deal with.

Hmm... My initial impression involves mountains and molehills. ;)

But digging deeper I wonder why their perception that you made a "choice" bothers you so much.  Then again the whole idea of transition not being a choice is alien to me, so perhaps I just don't see things enough from your perspective to comment.  But to me transition is a choice - even if the alternative is the grave - it is still a choice we make, a choice we make to make our lives better (ie happier, less dead, etc).

Sure maybe not everyone who says, "as long as you're happy" absolutely means it, but I would be more concerned with the way I take it than what they mean by it, especially if it is negatively effecting my life or my view of them.

Meh, I don't know. It takes some bravery to put yourself out there with all the discrimination and transgender beatings and killings and all that. Put yourself out in front of your family and hope they don't disown you and all that.

I don't know about you, but I want to transition to make myself happy. I feel I am male, and living as a female and being perceived as a female, and the big one, perceiving myself as a female make me distinctly unhappy. I don't wish to be unhappy. It's not a guarantee of happiness, but my GID is a guarantee of unhappiness.

Yeah, they probably don't get it and probably won't. But really, what can you do/expect? At least they don't have enough of a problem with it to cause you any problems.

QuoteWell, if you need them to respond in a certain way in order not to be upset, prepare to be upset.

QuoteBut digging deeper I wonder why their perception that you made a "choice" bothers you so much.

QuoteYeah, they probably don't get it and probably won't. But really, what can you do/expect?

Okay, so, I suppose this is just my own derangement or delusion or whatever that causes me grief over the issue? Be that as it may, it does get under my skin (just a bit) that people in general can be so disingenuous about their own "real" feelings. It's really not the projection or, mis-projection of whether they "accept" me, so much as it is, a phony attempt at acceptance. Can I change that? No, most likely, not a chance. Am I going to lose sleep over it? Haven't yet and not likely to, either. And, I suppose these little "nuances" don't amount to a hill of beans in comparison to the rest what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. This really, to me, was simply a thought experiment that I felt maybe others had considered. But, I guess most, evidently don't. Not a big deal.

Yet, when it comes to this issue: the question of having made a choice;

QuoteBut to me transition is a choice - even if the alternative is the grave - it is still a choice we make,

I'll take issue with the concept that this is still a choice we make, especially given that the option is death. You see, when and if non-trans people understand that death is the only alternative and they assume that by not going there, was the choice we made in order to be "happy", then, one could assume that if a non-trans person doesn't feel you or I made the right "choice", that would mean death is or would be an acceptable alternative? Death by one's own hand is never an acceptable alternative and should not be viewed legitimately as a choice but, rather a reaction to indifference, rejection and misunderstandings of who we are.

You can offer that by transitioning or not was your choice all you wish. For me, transitioning was neither an option nor a choice. It was however, an intervention to an unacceptable alternative reaction.


Dawn       

I understand what you're getting at, Dawn.  You're right, people just don't get it at all.  There's a discussion on another forum about how trans people should 'come clean' when dating, because otherwise they are 'defrauding' their dates because they've donned a 'persona' and it's 'not who they are.'  Clearly they have no idea WHY we transition; they assume we just like the other gender better, ie it's a choice, a lifestyle choice.  No, the birth gender is the fraud; pretending to be our birth gender is our persona. When we transition we are finally authentic.

I suppose I'd rather hear "Whatever makes you happy!" than "You're a freakish pervert, get out of my life!"

Jay

I'm with Tekla, considering the alternatives, 'as long as your happy' is a perfectly peachy thing to say.

True enough, Jay! That's very much what I'm driving at.

QuoteI suppose I'd rather hear "Whatever makes you happy!" than "You're a freakish pervert, get out of my life!"

Yes, I suppose I would as well, very well said! ;)



Dawn

"You're so brave" kind of bothers me. It's not offensive in the slightest; it's just dumb. Really dumb. If you have nothing to say, just say nothing. People say that to people with various disabilities, and it's kind of offensive for it's blandness and mild othering in that case too.

"As long as you're happy" is also a kind of throwaway, though depending on the tone, it can strongly suggest a suppressed "(you freak)."

On choice: when you get sick, you choose a course of treatment or none at all.

--

In contrast, here are the best responses I got when I came out:

#3 "That makes so much sense."

#2 <gigantic smile> "I've been waiting to hear that for years."

And, following my statement, "No, it's not any of that. I'm just not happy about my gender,"

<drumroll><cymbals>

#1 "Well, you know, you can change that."

Okay, so, I suppose this is just my own derangement or delusion or whatever that causes me grief over the issue?   

I think it's just a pet peeve of yours.  It's not a big deal though, everybody has them.  I get really annoyed when people start sentences a certain way.  It's not reasonable, I know it, I just can't help it.

I'm a little afraid of how dismissive that may have sounded, because at the heart of it all, I think the dismissive nature of those comments is the thing that bugs you about them.  I hope you don't get mad at me, but if you have to, well, whatever make you happy... :P

I'll take issue with the concept that this is still a choice we make, especially given that the option is death.

I don't have an issue with anything Interalia said.  In fact that is kind of where my reaction to unsupportive people comes from.  I have a rather large rant that goes with this, but the short version is that I take such reactions to mean, "I would rather you lose the will to live than bother with the inconvenience of stretching my framework of truth a bit to accommodate reality.  Will you please reconsider being happy?"

That takes some nerve...

Oh and Jay I love the smile... and the puppy! ;D

QuoteI hope you don't get mad at me, but if you have to, well, whatever make you happy... :P

Jen,

Sorry dear, however, "mad" and "happy" are contradictory by nature. And, I am quite happy, thanks. I have no reason to be mad at you or anyone for that matter. I certainly appreciate and respect your comments. Although, agreement is not assured. :-*


Dawn

Oh um, that was meant to be ironic.  I am bad at humor sometimes, but I do at least make my own self laugh. ;)

Jen,

No worries! I assure you, I was laughing with you, too! And, mine was also meant as humorous.  :D


Dawn

Quote from: Jen on February 11, 2010, 02:10:19 PM
Oh and Jay I love the smile... and the puppy! ;D

Thanks!


Jay

Dawn,

Heh, okay good.  I wasn't sure bc your emoticon didn't look happy thanks to my phone. The internet is just too big to try fitting in your hand!

I guess I agree with those who don't like that phrase; my x-wife used it on me. I told her it really was not a matter of  choice or happiness. I was a total mess as a small feminine male. I was unhappy and upset that I could not be my true self; I told her I was always a woman inside and it was not something I could change. She finanally realized she had seen many signs during our marriage; full body waxing, pedicures and womans underwear are not exactly masculine traits. She now wants to help me and be my friend. She thinks I would make a good girlfreind and she is right.


Pam

Pam.

That's wonderful.

I think your x-wife is right by the way.