Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This morning I was visited by the ghost of my previous self.  He walked up from out of the fade and wrapped his arms around me warmly.  With reassuring kindness he said, "You've shown such strength that I never knew you had.  I'm proud of you, and I know you will be fine"  And with a smile he looked me in the eyes and softly said goodbye.

With that he began to fade from view.  Before he left, the only thing I could manage through the tears streaming down my face, "You were a good person, I really wish I could have been you."

So, I have been an absolute mess all day after this.  Such a strange thing to mourn yourself.

I haven't had a moment's doubt of the path I chose, an advantage of waiting till there was no other choice.  This wasn't regret either, but just my way of saying goodbye to that which never could have been.  I hung on long enough.

It doesn't seem the slightest bit strange. Okay, perhaps strange, but completely familiar (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,35147.msg234828.htm).

Every now and then I get a visit. There's some sadness, but it's bittersweet, more sweet than bitter.

:icon_hug:

~Alyssa

Hi Jen,
First, I think you are experiencing something very normal and therapeutic. I think that sometimes you'll struggle with the right way to say good-bye or when it happens. Sometimes you might be revisited by the old you, but more in memory than an actual presence. I don't see it as something to fear or run from, it's a mourning process and it's healthy. You sound like you are really approaching things from a strong place and that you are headed to even more happiness :) Meghan

Maybe I'm just fortunate, but I don't feel that there is any separate old me.

There's old me living with my issues and trying to be somebody else, and there's current me who's not, but they're both me, I haven't become somebody else in my eyes, maybe I have in the eyes of others, but to me I'm the same person I've always been, just being more myself.

Wow, I did the same thing today too, when I got my new driver's license in the mail. 

That's very poetic

But I don't miss my evil twin at all. I'd be glad if he quit bothering me. All he wants to do is kill me anyway

I thought about this when I first started transition, it's like what we go through is the closest thing to suicide because in a sense our old self is gone. Especially in the eyes of others the person they once knew and were friends with and loved has gone.. sure there is a part of us that is still present but we do change a great deal. Enough for me to say that male is no more, gone, over... dead (at least in my eyes).
I don't feel a need to grieve for my old self as I hated him ..good riddance I say. I guess I have briefly thought about keeping old photos and saying that was my brother.. but he died, but for one it's a lie and two my past is pretty easy to let go.
I find myself reminding my mum that the old me wasn't exactly anything to be proud of and that it wasn't a huge loss.. even if she thinks that I'm a bit of an embarrassment now.
Our parents no doubt at some point feel sad in a way because they feel like that perfect family, perfect genes the no defects in the family is over.... they now carry the weight of producing an abnormality. That's something I worry about more than my old self, I wish it wasn't the case.

It was a surreal experience.  I've never seen "my old self" as a different person at all, just my same old me trying to make due with the situation I was in.  I have never even looked at this transition as a death and rebirth, but more of a cleansing.

So, it was very unexpected and caught me completely by surprise.  I think this was an exercise of my subconscious trying to handle some emotional disturbance I wasn't aware of, sort of like a dream I was awake for.

In most ways I say good riddance to the past, but I can never help to see the good in things- apparently even in the tortured male husk from which I'm trying to emerge.  I think this experience will give me new perspective going forward, which seems to happen so often in this process.

I'm glad that some of you experienced similar things, and I def appreciate the words of encouragement from all of you :).

I know exactly what you mean. I'm going through it now.

It's not like my previous self was all that 'different', but they were another person. It's time to move on and embrace the rest of me.

Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 01, 2010, 12:00:29 AM
But I don't miss my evil twin at all. I'd be glad if he quit bothering me. All he wants to do is kill me anyway

I confess that I am enamoured with Virginias...hat.

Oh wait, wrong thread. It was well written, but I do wonder sometimes what exactly you kids are dissolving under your tounges when I read about these experiences.

I don't miss him at all and if he ever came to visit I would shout "YOURE NOT REAL GO AWAY BEFORE THEY LOCK ME UP AGAIN"

I understand that many people view there different gender personalities as two different people.

I've heard, so often, that people who spend periods of time in another gender, can talk about getting <name> out for a while and so on.

I have to say that has never really affected me.

I was born with a problem that has distorted my appearance. I have a feminine name, which I did use for a time. I really don't know where it came from, just that it feels so right.

I've learnt to accept that my body has been twisted into its appearence by the way I was born. But inside I am and always will be the same person.

There have been times when I was really down that I can feel his arms around me. telling me that everything will be all right.  It always gives me strength.

I don't miss him, because he was an a$$.  Many people who knows both of us the sides of me, like me a lot better.

I had a similar experience when I was gathering up the last of my (his) clothes to give to the Salvation Army.

I did not have the opportunity then, or since, to talk to him (barry).  But what I felt was the same grief that I have had when someone passes away.

he was there to protect me and did for many years.  But in the end the pain and poison started killing him and he was going to die.  And I would have too had he succeeded.

It was a palpable sense of loss that I had as I gathered his clothes, knowing that he would never wear them again.

he sleeps in my heart at peace, finally.  A cradle him as a mother cradles her wounded child.

-Sandy

Quote from: Becca on February 01, 2010, 04:10:07 AM
I do wonder sometimes what exactly you kids are dissolving under your tounges when I read about these experiences

Lol, I know what you mean =P.

I just want to reiterate that I do not see my past self as a seperate person, or even personality.  This reference in my little daydream to my previous self was allegorical. Very "A Christmas Carol-ey" I guess.  I think this was my subconscious' way of finding closure with the past, or something.  I don't even know...

But yeah, I see myself as much the same person, with the fake parts stripped away.  That is the part that made it so strange.  A few days ago if I read Sandy's post I would have not understood her one bit. Now I think I know exactly what she means.

I have seen so many arguments break out over differences in how people define themselves pre and post, when I feel more and more that we are really all going through pretty much the same thing.  Maybe we frame things differently in our minds or use different words to express certain aspects of it, but the experience at the root is much the same.  Everybody's perspective is valid, along with being subject to getting flipped on it's head by a new experience. 

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Post Merge: February 01, 2010, 11:40:37 AM

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Ohhhh, Meghan I love your youtube site :D.  You give such positive advice.  I <3 you for that. :)

Another weird topic.  I am the old me....

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on February 01, 2010, 11:48:12 AM
I am the old me....

Hmm...  You should try reading ALL the words, imo.

Quote from: Jen on February 01, 2010, 12:26:21 PM
Hmm...  You should try reading ALL the words, imo.

'Grieving the Old You'? I read it...and I don't...I am the old me which is also the new me. I've had no drastic change in image or personality. I guess some people here have gone through a radical complete lifestyle and image change....well I haven't and I've always been the way I am. That was my point even though I didn't put it across very well.

Your post brought tears to my eyes.

I go through the EXACT same thing- of grieving for him.

I revisited an old friend this weekend, and was faced with seeing the old ghost I wish I could've pulled off.

Hang in there babe!

Quote from: Kelli on February 01, 2010, 03:12:17 PM
I revisited an old friend this weekend, and was faced with seeing the old ghost I wish I could've pulled off.

I couldn't understand why I felt grief for something I knew was never real.  But now I wonder, without going into all the gory details, how much this has to do with unresolved guilt I may be feeling toward my friends/family for putting them through a mourning process.  This experience definitely helped me understand their feelings better anyway.

It makes more sense now.

Exactly! :-)


Very well put!

Similar thing happened when I went through some old pictures.  I do wish she could have been happy!


Jay

Last month I went to where my parents' ashes are buried.  I went to show them that their lost child had finally found herself.  I sat there in the frozen garden, crying - crying for the difficulties, the struggle, the years of confusion - theirs and mine.

My friends and therapists have told me over and over that I seem to be the same person, but a woman and happier and more complete.  I think that if "he" came to visit me I would be freaked out, because he's me.  I am just a new, improved version of that person that was him. 

But I think I know what you mean, Jen.  I think it is healthy to reconcile who you are now with who you were.  I think that's what I was doing in the memorial garden.

Thanks, Jen.  I love the imagery.  How sweet that you still like the old guy despite his faults. :icon_bunch:

- Kate

This has been a really good thread. Thank you, Jen! You're good people. ;-)


*hugs*

The old me was a good person who did the very best he could for as long as he could, until he just couldn't do it anymore and it was transition or die.

That doesn't make him evil, or bad.  He was kind, generous, and loved his family.  He was simply a sad, tortured person who is now at peace, and I hope with all my heart that I brought the best of him with me on this journey. 

Quote from: Vision on February 01, 2010, 09:43:23 PM
The old me was a good person who did the very best he could for as long as he could, until he just couldn't do it anymore and it was transition or die.

That doesn't make him evil, or bad.  He was kind, generous, and loved his family.  He was simply a sad, tortured person who is now at peace, and I hope with all my heart that I brought the best of him with me on this journey.

This....Except the times when he's tried to kill me

Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 01, 2010, 09:55:19 PM
This....Except the times when he's tried to kill me

The poor guy was in a lot more danger of me killing him.

Guess I finally did, huh.

I guess I really did kill 'her' off. Part of me is going to miss her, but I feel a lot more happier now, I can't deny that.

I tried for a long time to be happy as her, but each time I succeeded it just couldn't stick... it just didn't stick with the same intensity.

Makes you wonder, what happens to the other side of you when you've cast them off?

Oh I think they are still with us.  We just become more interrogated.  Not having to battle with the two sides they finally become one.

The other side will always be with us, as they are us.  We have just chosen to allow our true gender come to the surface and not hide behind the old persona.

I think Janet is right.  They are still there, minus the pain.

Well that's a relief.

My "Evil twin" was a nice guy in allot of ways...and I'm sure he'll be back to try and kill me from time to time

But I've been learning ways to deal with him better

I just had a visit from an old friend, someone who I hadn't seen for four months who knows about me but hasn't seen me this much, as me. It was very..... intense and short, he was obviously effected by seeing the new me and the vibe was buzzing. We caught up well and everything went great but there was something different that was more than his nervousness. At one point I had to hold back from bursting into tears.
I mentioned how all my old friends liked the old me and how I hope that everyone likes the new me, in so many words.. he said it will take time, obviously but it was good to hear him understand that. I asked and the general consensus is apparently "what the f&%K?", but they'll come around in the end he said.
This was the first time I've had word back from my old life and of my old friends. There is a party coming up in a few months that I've been invited to.. I'm scared to even think about it right now.

I don't know why but I had an 'old me' memory earlier.

I had been in marine corps boot camp for like...maybe three weeks. It was a sunday afternoon and there wasn't a lot of training on Sundays, it's as close to a day off as you get that early in boot camp. Anyway the Senior Drill Instructor was on duty, and was trying to get ready for something but people (us) kept interrupting him. I was reading the paper and watching this unfold, I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I knew it would be dramatic...

Finally after being driven crazy by requests to use the phone and go to the px yayaya he shouts at the top of his lungs
"GOD DAMMIT! Would anybody else like to SEE ME NAKED!" and threw his prefectly pressed uniform out the door of his duty hut. I thought to myself "...i would..."

Oh wait that wasn't the old me, that was Me me, er wait, what

Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 01, 2010, 11:08:36 PM
My "Evil twin" was a nice guy in allot of ways...and I'm sure he'll be back to try and kill me from time to time

Don't you let him!  I don't like that kind of talk, even when it's put in such a funny way *laughs and frowns at the same time*

So many different perspectives here.  It is pretty interesting.  Also it is kind of interesting to see how people's perspectives are windows that frame the things they hear others say.

I am me, always have and forever will be.

^That is the first thing I know, and it's one of the only mantras I have... that I just made up... that rhymes.  Okay delirium is obviously setting in.  Insomnia is the worst.  I'll figure out the second thing I know tomorrow.  Maybe the third too, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.

Oh and Kelli *hugs back*

I'll be okay dear

Insomnia takes it's toll  :P

{{{HUGS}}}

I'm literally going to run around and hug all of you, right now. I'm serious.

This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

Yeah, I'm still me

I'm just not pretending to be this guy that others expected me to be

So often people would tell me to be myself and then try to tell me how to act

I got tired of acting

I like being myself much better

This is who I am...What you see is what you get

Jen, the honesty of your post brought tears to my eyes. The imagery and words were simple poetry. I am so happy for you to have arrived at this point in your life.

Ginny

Quote from: Virginia Marie on February 02, 2010, 02:56:22 AM
Yeah, I'm still me

I'm just not pretending to be this guy that others expected me to be

So often people would tell me to be myself and then try to tell me how to act

I got tired of acting

I like being myself much better

This is who I am...What you see is what you get

I think you've nailed it virginia!

Quote from: IndigeoAliquis on February 02, 2010, 02:01:38 AM
I'm literally going to run around and hug all of you, right now. I'm serious.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.addemoticons.com%2Femoticon%2Fsmiley%2FAddEmoticons08030.gif&hash=e820054e614f84b61101a13069ea68903ea8c7d3)

Omg, I dare you! :D

So okay,

This wasn't the first vivid daydream I've ever had (I am the ultimate daydreamer) but I think it was the first to ever make me cry.  I'm not really sure why my subconscious felt the need to conjure such a thing, but I see many things I can take from it--

1)  It felt more than anything like I was saying goodbye to and making peace with the past.  I'm glad my past was represented by such a kind and reassuring avatar, because that helped me to remember that the past wasn't all horrid.  There really were some good times mixed in there somewhere.  I think I will now be able to bring closure to the past by softly closing the door with a smile, rather than slamming it and stomping off into the sunset calling it names.

2)  I feel I can empathize with the mourning process my friends and family have to go through and I can even understand better why they may have that reaction.

3)  I feel I can understand why people sometimes refer to their past incarnations as different entities.  It may not be so much about having a split personality or whatever, but rather just be a different way of thinking about the persona they once had to use.  I think it is interesting how people handle things.

Maybe I'll find even more things to take from it, especially if people keep posting things.

Quote from: The None Blonde on February 02, 2010, 02:42:15 AM
This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

I don't really think it's that strangem, what you call dissociative. I am definitely not the same person I once was. I'm not dissociated from the person I was yesterday, but five years ago? That's someone else. My personhood might be continuous, but that doesn't mean it's constant; it changes. That happens regardless of my sex or gender or gender role.

Also, with regard to "him," I put a lot of me into "him," but "he" was a role I played, a persona rather than a person. Some part of me misses having that role around, even if I don't miss playing it.

Quote from: The None Blonde on February 02, 2010, 02:42:15 AM
This is quite an odd topic... not because of the OP's post, but that everyone seems to see themselves as someone else... the third person refernces to 'him'  and now them is quite an obvious sign of disasociative issues. You dont want to be that person, so by calling them someone else, it doesnt blame you...

Personally, yes, i felt some loss, more in the way i had done things... it had been a different life, and a different person, an act, I didn't feel bad putting that act to bed, but I did miss it briefly. But now? no, I don't miss any of it. There wasn't much of a life to call a guy, and I'm still the same person, the body is just right.

Interesting story Jen.

I actually completely agree with you.

I'm a bit of an odd case in that I didn't really ever have a male life, friends, family, etc, that I had to let go of or anything prior or during transition. So it's not really like I've changed into a completely different person, but I've definitely changed as the person I've always been.

So it's not just you.

The only time I'd consider myself to be dissociated is when I've had a wee bit too much cough syrup, not that I'm complaining or anything ^_^

I guess for some of us we repressed a lot of what we felt early on and tried our best to just accept the body we were given and to get on with life and conform to particular gender roles. I don't think either is better or worse than the other.. we both end up in the same boat.

Quote from: Jen on January 31, 2010, 10:27:29 PM
This morning I was visited by the ghost of my previous self.  He walked up from out of the fade and wrapped his arms around me warmly.  With reassuring kindness he said, "You've shown such strength that I never knew you had.  I'm proud of you, and I know you will be fine"  And with a smile he looked me in the eyes and softly said goodbye.

With that he began to fade from view.  Before he left, the only thing I could manage through the tears streaming down my face, "You were a good person, I really wish I could have been you."

So, I have been an absolute mess all day after this.  Such a strange thing to mourn yourself.

I haven't had a moment's doubt of the path I chose, an advantage of waiting till there was no other choice.  This wasn't regret either, but just my way of saying goodbye to that which never could have been.  I hung on long enough.

Oh my gosh, this actually made me tear up... I'm still thinking about it and I just might full on cry.  I had my moment like that several years ago when I looked at my female self in the mirror and said goodbye, that if it was meant to be, then I'd be her again in the eternities.  It is why I can never see my transition as a negative thing.

I wish the best for you, and this goes out to all my sisters and brothers who have transitioned as well, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished.

Quote from: Naturally Blonde on February 01, 2010, 11:48:12 AM
Another weird topic.  I am the old me....

Some people, me included, live in their synthetic role for so long that the persona is strong. I think of myself back then as a different person, because I AM a different person. My mind was so different on T, and I am an artist too.


I wanna animate my old selves, namely one, the one most like the old me, so I can let them live elsewhere outside of my mind. Not the only reason I wanna animate/make comics and stories, but important. Still... I do mourn being him a LITTLE, but its mostly surreal because I view that many years as somebody else now. Some things are in common, but slowly, the hands of Estrogen have hacked my brain, uncrossing the wires that I tangled in fear, doing weird things to me. Like I'm just an android and this loving, yet twisted doctor/creator is taking care of me from the injury of me running away from her. Criss crossing me, and wow it hurts, but you need a correct suture to heal up right.

I dk. Weird analogies tonight. I'm going to bedddd....

Quote from: interalia on February 03, 2010, 12:40:15 AM
Oh my gosh, this actually made me tear up... I'm still thinking about it and I just might full on cry.  I had my moment like that several years ago when I looked at my female self in the mirror and said goodbye, that if it was meant to be, then I'd be her again in the eternities.  It is why I can never see my transition as a negative thing.

I wish the best for you, and this goes out to all my sisters and brothers who have transitioned as well, I'm so proud of what you have accomplished.

<3 *hugs*

I have low self-esteem so the thing that really gets me is, people say I make a gorgeous female and whatnot. (I have no idea honestly, --> me last year: http://photos-h.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v1237/82/30/825200298/n825200298_1674725_3988.jpg)

So I see women who are given high praises for their skills in fields in comparison with men, because of this (it's so messed up) and I realize when I come out to friends who don't yet know, I'll be just another guy that's simply played guitar since 1994, has programmed since 1998, is good at forensic science,...... instead of a woman who is really amazing at guitar, you know, I just see how all those things would change from the way they are now.

And it pisses me off that my mind thinks all of that. It really does. Why is my head so, just, wrong?

Quote from: Ashley4214 on February 02, 2010, 10:24:41 PM
I actually completely agree with you.

I'm a bit of an odd case in that I didn't really ever have a male life, friends, family, etc, that I had to let go of or anything prior or during transition. So it's not really like I've changed into a completely different person, but I've definitely changed as the person I've always been.

So it's not just you.

Ditto!

I was also born with a problem that did not reflect what was truly me.  I have done so many things before my surgery and have done a lot more since and I am proud of what I have done and I have never have been ashamed of what I have done.

However, inside I am and always will be the same person that I have always been.  I grow and change each day to become a better person than I was before.  Someone who is kind, generous and helps others to realise the potential that is within themselves.

K8, thank you for sharing such a touching moment, I never got to see my grandad after I left, I spent so much time with him building his little cottage and he taught me to drive a car.  When I was informed that he died.  I had a cup of coffee and it was early morning I raised my cup of coffee and said. "Heres to you grandad", I still miss him to this day.

I did spend time with my 'nanny', but she had dementia, so I do not know to what extent she knew about me.  I have a lovely picture of her and me together, which has been enlarged, framed and now resides in the main living room of my house.  Years later after my nanny died I visited were they both now rest in peace together with my mum.  Yes I had a little tear in my eye.

These are memories that are a part of me before and after.  They make me who I am today.

Kind Regards
From Erfurt Thuringen Germany
Sarah B

Be who you want to be.

Quote from: IndigeoAliquis on February 03, 2010, 10:50:02 AM
I have low self-esteem so the thing that really gets me is, people say I make a gorgeous female and whatnot.

And it pisses me off that my mind thinks all of that. It really does. Why is my head so, just, wrong?

I really undertand that and know where you're comming from.

I didn't start to pick myself up until I stopped trying to be as good as everyone else.

.