Susan's Place Transgender Resources

One one hand my doc just called and said she's putting a referral in for a therapist/psychiatrist that's more local (about 20 mins away). I should be in within two weeks or so (if i don't get a call by Monday, call them to set up an appointment).

I also have a tentative endo appointment in April (and yes, they did want a letter from a therapist prior to seeing me).

However my mom went ape ->-bleeped-<- when she heard i had the appointment with the endo ("we said baby steps, and now you already have something set up...."). She's also pissed at my doctor for not saying anything OR asking about if they new - it's like, "HELLO - MY doctor. It's called "doc/patient confidentiality" - she's worrying about ME, not you guys right now!"

I also found out that my mom made an appointment with a local shrink for THEM to go to - not me. How is a shrink who never met me or talked to me going to HELP? They certainly can't tell my parents anything definitive or helpful in regards to me being trans.... especially if they don't know squat about it or if my parents give them the wrong impression.

And to make things even BETTER, i just went to put my laundry away and noticed that all my underwear is missing. Gone. Not where i last put them. I have exactly three pairs left (the ones i'm wearing and the two in my hamper under my bed.)

This is exactly what they did when i bought jewelry they didn't like, or books. Even when i wrote stories they didn't like. Just waltzed in and TOOK them.

>:(

Can anybody else feel the frustration and anger seeping through my keyboard?

Whoa, I can definitely feel the anger seeping through. On the one hand, it's good that you're getting your appointments in. On the other..yeah. I can see why you're frustrated ): I've had that happen to me twice. The first time, all of my "inappropriate clothing" (Baggy jeans?) was taken away (long before I even knew I was trans too >.>) and the second, my caps were because apparently it wasn't right of me to have them. It's really not right that they just took your stuff like they personally own it o.o; Especially yer underwear. Doesn't make any sense to me, really. Looks like they aren't coping well and are clinging really hard to that denial stage. I give hugs to you.  :icon_hug:

Things are moving, slowly in the right direction.

They are going to see a psychiatrist. That is more positive than it seems. He will attempt to develop some insight for them into their attitudes. Because that is what psychaitrists do.

Just hang in there. Stand your ground. Collect some evidence from credable, reliable sources to back your position and take it one step at a time.

Your frustration is understandable. But things are moving for you.

Moving, right.... *deep breaths*

Now i have to go buy new underwear. >_<

Can you ask for it back?

I like new underwear...hope they pay for it though.

Yeah, I think the psychiatrist could be a good thing, especially if they are trans sympathetic, though could be bad if they are not  :(.

Well, you could go throw out all their underwear while they are away. It would make me feel better. >:-)

that sucks about your underwear gone missing. who wants some one else underwear??? lol

That also sucks that your parents have a negative view on your whole transition. Luckily for me, my mom is all for me transitioning as soon as possible lol. There is hope for you though because me mom at FIRST was so in shock about everything that she would make it about her self and not about me. Your mom probably needs some time to understand everything and accept it. Them going to see a therapist is actually probably beneficial to you because hopefully the therapist will tell them to accept you for who you are, and not who they want you to be. Good Luck!

Mark

Quote from: Markster on February 02, 2010, 08:16:28 PM
that sucks about your underwear gone missing. who wants some one else underwear??? lol

Yes, it does. Thankfully it isn't too expensive to replace. This time i think the undies will go in the lockbox with my other stuff they don't need to see just yet (if ever).

Quote from: spacial on February 02, 2010, 07:36:00 PM
Can you ask for it back?

I'm going to go looking for it tomorrow while they're at work. If i don't find it, i'll just buy new stuff. And protect it better. ((Rolls eyes))

Quote from: Nicky on February 02, 2010, 07:37:01 PM
I like new underwear...hope they pay for it though.

Yeah, I think the psychiatrist could be a good thing, especially if they are trans sympathetic, though could be bad if they are not  :(.

Well, you could go throw out all their underwear while they are away. It would make me feel better. >:-)

Yes, they'll be paying for it. Eventually. And as amusing as it would be to throw all THEIRS out, it probably wouldn't be good for me to do in the long run.  ::)

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...
I dare say they're somewhere between the first two stages. That sucks dude - who knows maybe the psych they see will open their eyes and pave the way for when you see one with them.
Chin up mate - I hope it turns around soon.

The classic and time-honored way to get your parents out of your life is to move out of their house.  Yeah, it's hard, yeah you have to work, yeah you might have to eat Raman noodles and peanut butter for a couple of years, live in a place that's not so nice, have roommates (but your underwear ought to be save at least) and all that, but ever freaking second is worth it.

According to your bio your a 21 year old man, it's time dude.  And if you continue to live there - well, their house, their rules.

If all else fails, try the military, that's what its there for in a lot of ways.

21! Hell yeah you should move.

You are an adult, really they should have no say at all in your affairs.

2 minute noodles are excellent - really excellent if you add a fried egg on top.

Even if you're still living in their house... stealing your underwear?  Seems like a rather juvenile way of communicating their disapproval.  Sounds like they're struggling with this, and if you're in any way still under their control, things might get... interesting... before (if) they start to come around.

Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 02, 2010, 06:49:09 PM
She's also pissed at my doctor for not saying anything OR asking about if they new - it's like, "HELLO - MY doctor. It's called "doc/patient confidentiality" - she's worrying about ME, not you guys right now!"

This really does sound like your mom is failing to see you as an adult.  My mom had a hard time with it, too, when I turned 18 and the doctors were no longer willing to talk with her about my affairs.  If your mom is anything like mine, it will take a lot of time and a lot of you taking responsibility for yourself for it to even start to sink it.  'Fraid that moving out really is the best way for your parents to start seeing you as an adult.

This really does sound like your mom is failing to see you as an adult

Because he is 21 and still living at home?  If you want people to see you as an adult, and treat you like an adult, you have to act like an adult, and that begins with living on your own and supporting yourself to a major degree.

Quote from: tekla on February 02, 2010, 09:19:30 PM
This really does sound like your mom is failing to see you as an adult

Because he is 21 and still living at home?  If you want people to see you as an adult, and treat you like an adult, you have to act like an adult, and that begins with living on your own and supporting yourself to a major degree.

You're being rude again!  I'm 23 and living with my parents because I'm trying to do a PhD and want to actually afford a social life as well.  You don't have to live on your own to be seen as an adult!  Please.

On the flipside, living with parents does come with its own set of troubles.  Luckily my parents are, on the whole, supportive but my mum flips moods very quickly.  If their treatment of you really starts to get you down, then you think about moving out.  Don't move out cos someone on this forum is saying you are too old to live there!  It's not as simple as that, obviously. 

Quote from: Nicky on February 02, 2010, 07:37:01 PMWell, you could go throw out all their underwear while they are away. It would make me feel better. >:-)

I love that idea. Not the repercussions of it, just knowing.. it's a possible course of action. Love the way you think. xD

Quote from: Aussie Jay on February 02, 2010, 08:27:23 PM
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...

I second this.

Also, about the age = adult thing, don't you even go there. I live with my mother, am 23, and had to take time off of work and school to pursue a medical problem since I could literally not attend class anymore due to pain. My mum also has an arthritic back, it's like we support each other (gasp! a human supporting another? for shame!) until I get back on my feet and my own place again.
So seriously, don't call out people on something so bat->-bleeped-<- stupid as where they live with regards to their age.

I don't think Tekla is exactly being rude in this case.

Whether it's your parents, a landlord or a roommate renting out a room to you, it's their roof. They do make the rules. It's possible to come to a compromise of some sort, but there is still a lot of truth to it. Especially if it's your parents. If your parents are fine with you staying in their home while you get your schooling, that's one thing, it's another thing entirely if they want you to take full responsibility for your life. Including schooling, housing, food, etc...

Some parent's wont see you as an adult until you do what Tekla is saying. My parents are like this. They're not all like this, but it's still a truth to a degree.

That they're seeing a therapist is great--in my experience, therapists have this tricky way of making you realize when you're being ridiculous, and help you come to terms with it.  Do you know the name of the therapist they're going to?  Because I'd recommend doing some research on your own to ascertain whether they're going to be helpful in this situation.

I also think you might need to sit down with your parents, if you seriously consider moving out.  The key is not to lose your cool, just explain to them that if you can't even trust that basic items of clothing are safe, and given the stress they are under in this situation, that it might be better for you to move out on your own.  This demonstrates not only that you are an adult and certain behaviors won't fly, but that you are very serious about transitioning and that at this point it's so important to you that you would gladly take on some financial hardships and a lower standard of living to pursue it.

If you want to move out too, and aren't sure where to start in terms of looking for jobs, getting health insurance, etc etc, there are a lot of knowledgeable people here on Susan's as well who have done the same thing and surely have valuable advice for you.  Good luck!

Moving out doesn't have anything to do with age - its a personal choice or one of circumstance. My sister was 26, my brother beat us all out the door at 19 and I was a ripe old 22 when I signed my life to the Defence Forces. Which as a side note I wouldn't recommend as an out.

I loved my time don't get me wrong and each to his own of course. Not to mention I have done things I never saw myself capable of and I am proud to have served my country - but living with females, being seen as one, being treated accordingly and wearing the female-modified male uniform all the while feeling like this - in my experience not so healthy for one's mental state.

Move out because you want to - because its what is best for you and you're able. Don't do it because people think you should. But sometimes as already said, it is the only way to do what you want and need to do. First port of call as someone has already said is to talk it out with them, or just your mum if dad's being childish and not willing to listen to his adult son make an adult conversation. You are taking the adult path here in coming forward and asking for their love and support as you struggle with these feelings - takes a big man to ask for help.

On the sly - I know it's probably frowned upon but you don't change immediately on T. You might have like a month before noticeable changes start. If it truly is your path and I think we have established that you are an adult - you can always go ahead with it, all the while attempting to reason with and educate them. Maybe in that time your situation will change too eg finances, living circumstances etc. I apologise in advance if anyone sees this as the 'dog's act' but just saying, I'm not saying its the optimum course of action...

If i could move out, i would. But at this point in time i simply don't have the money to support myself AND go to college - even though they pay partial tuition i pay for books and supplies, my car, my pets, and stuff i need but they don't want to buy (which at this point is pretty much everything.)

I don't work through the semester (my classes are too spread out to make for a workable schedule and i need to concentrate on the classes) and only work minimum wage through summer (which i won't this year since i'm going to college through summer and next fall to finish my Christmas.) Savings goes FAST.

If worst comes to worst i can always transfer colleges - we have a written agreement that they pay for housing if i do so (and yes, they mentioned yesterday that our schooling agreements still stand - no matter what - because they do want me to finish my education.) Not the best option since i want to stay put to finish the degree but always an option (or maybe talk to them about helping to pay for housing until they've come to terms - for ALL of our sanities....)

Thanks for all the support, guys! I guess we'll see how their visit with their therapist goes....

As far as the being adult and living at home thing goes:  I'm almost 49 and I live with my 40 yr old brother (his house).  What does that make us??  ::)   It's mutually beneficial financially, and my kids and pets don't drive him nuts, so we stay, even though I make a lot more money than he does.  I don't want to buy a house in this state, and will be moving on in a few years.

Anyway, it is possible to work and go to college.  BTDT.  I used to work at McDonalds a lot (4 different ones in 3 different states!), and the ones in college towns are used to weird schedules. 

Always remember, life is about choices.  You *always* have a choice.  But each choice has consequences.  Which consequences are you willing (or not willing) to live with?  Take the *I can't* out of your vocabulary.  You *can* do anything you put your mind to.  I know.  I've done it.  I was once a broke college student too with NO financial help from my parents at all.


Jay

Man. You're a legal adult now but they're treating you like a minor. You're going to have to stand up for yourself and remind them of that. Them throwing your possessions away is very uncool. How would they like it? Plus, doctors don't need to report to an adult's parents. In fact they can't with HIPPA laws unless you've signed for them to.

It sounds to me like your parents' idea of "baby steps" is "not moving at all". I hate to say it, but you may not be able to transition until you've moved out. It sounds like your parents will allow no progression while you live there.

But, it's O.K. for them to see a therapist themselves. They have alot to deal with and may need help. If their therapist is knowledgeable on transgender issues it might even help you in the long run.

Bit of a delema though. I understand your need to live at home for now. I think you should keep doing what you need to do, assert yourself.

Just wanted to add something else- It would be really funny if you brought a bike lock and kept all your underwear locked on it attached to your bed or desk or something - out in plain view!

Quote from: Nicky on February 03, 2010, 03:24:13 PM
Just wanted to add something else- It would be really funny if you brought a bike lock and kept all your underwear locked on it attached to your bed or desk or something - out in plain view!

WIN

Quote from: Nicky on February 03, 2010, 03:24:13 PM

Just wanted to add something else- It would be really funny if you brought a bike lock and kept all your underwear locked on it attached to your bed or desk or something - out in plain view!

Except they'd probably just scissor them off.

Very uncool to take things belonging to an adult child, even if said adult child lives at home.  Very disrespectful.

Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on February 03, 2010, 04:43:58 PM
Except they'd probably just scissor them off.

Very uncool to take things belonging to an adult child, even if said adult child lives at home.  Very disrespectful.

Jay

This is what i've lived with forever, pretty much. If they didn't like it, they took it. I should have guessed they might try it with this but never THOUGHT they would delve into my underwear drawer and take that.

They've taken necklaces (i had a nifty cross one they didn't like, i ended up liberating that from their sock drawer), my written stories ("omg, GAY stuff!"), books.... Yes, i agree - not cool and not respectful. They haven't done anything like this though since i turned 18 - this is the first.

Thank god most of my other stuff is locked up - my STP/packy, regular packy, etc. Though odd thing is my SheWee was right in the same drawer.... still there. Guess they didn't notice it?

*sigh*

Dunno. We'll see how they're appointment tonight goes. Might confront them this weekend if my underwear doesn't just show back up. Or if i don't find it.

I am working on getting a job, though - the college has a program that does work study so i'm going to try that. I could easily work on campus between classes. I'm also selling a bunch of junk i don't need (though that won't get me much).

I also found out that there's going to be a local "open house" for the GLBT community this Saturday. I'm gonna go and see what it's about. One of my profs will be there (i KNEW my gaydar was right about that one lmao.)

Why would they throw away your underwear?

So how do you guys hide this stuff from your parents? Unless it's in my computer, they'll end up finding it. :x

Quote from: Lachlann on February 03, 2010, 06:08:12 PM
So how do you guys hide this stuff from your parents? Unless it's in my computer, they'll end up finding it. :x

Like binders, packers, and stuff?  Or trans issues in general?

Quote from: Adio on February 03, 2010, 06:10:07 PM
Like binders, packers, and stuff?  Or trans issues in general?

Binders and packers and stuff.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter now, but I'm still curious.

A cheap-ass safe from Walmart that doesn't operate on a skeleton-key mechanism?
Hiding it in air venting?
Peeling up a corner of carpet, removing some wood, and hiding it in subflooring?
Hollowing out various books?
In a bucket in a tree in your yard?
... In a jar in a hole in the ground in your yard?

I have no idea.

My mom knows about my binder, so I don't bother hiding that from her.  But for a long time she didn't know I packed (or had hard packers).  I put them in baggies inside one of those canvas shopping bags and put it in a desk drawer under some papers.  She doesn't go through my desk so it was easy enough.  She found out when I accidentally left my packy on the sink one day though lol.  After that I didn't bother with hiding them anymore.

Your parent, sadly, are not uncommon. Many parents see their role as guiding their offspring to an ideal. Frequently, these types of parents will claim that they have given you advantages they didn't have.

The problem here is these types of parents will never let you grow up.

Remember that scene in Life of Brian where his mom comes to the window and yells at the crowd, @He's not the messiah, He's a very naughty boy!

I knew a woman, many years ago. She was in her late 50s. She had worked hard at academia and then in business becoming the managing director of a major book store. She was also a prominent activist in an alternative lifestyle movement.

She once told me that, whenever she went to see her mother, the conversation would start with asking if she had changed her underwear today, did she have a bath. Then onto direct criticism of her eating, her sitting, before a general round of criticising her entire lifestyle.

I'm simply saying that, your parents won't change. They actually don't mean to cause you harm or frustration. They are simply unable to see you as an individual. And they are unlikely ever to.

Whatever you do, or whatever they do, try to remember they are what they are.

Man, it's things like this that always made me so glad I had the parents I did.  :icon_no: Yes, they're having issues with my transition, but they have always treated me with the respect and consideration they would want to be treated with themselves, so they make the effort. 

I'm reminded of my own underwear story... About a year ago, before I was out, I was over at my mom's house doing laundry.  (My building doesn't have laundry facilities, and she appreciates having the chance to get together and catch up every week or two.)  Now, my mom almost never goes down to the laundry room unless she is wearing her very last pair of clean panties, so I wasn't worried about anyone taking note of my boxer-briefs.  However, my dad was visiting for the holidays, and he's the sort of fellow who can't let a dryer full of clean laundry go for more than 15 minutes without stopping to fold it.  (The laundry, not the dryer.)  He never said a word, but I sometimes wonder what he thought.  Secret boyfriend whose underwear I wash?  Kinky cross-dressing daughter?  Weird trend, but hey, no worse than the blue hair?  Who knows.  ;D