Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Wren's grandfather just died, and her family understandably wants her to be at the funeral. She's been living as a girl since september, but we live an hour away so her family doesn't know about it. She's only out to her parents.

She's tweaking at the prospect of having to "man up" for the funeral and the wake, and I'm afraid there's gonna be a meltdown if she has to wear a suit. What should we do?

I've suggested sneakily feminizing her outfit (cute camisol under the formal shirt, subtle jewelry) to help her stay sane, but I'm not sure that's going to be enough.

Or she goes as herself and comes out to the family.

Or cute up anything she may have to wear.

JMHO,
Janet

I would think that choosing a funeral (or a wedding for that matter) as the appropriate place to 'come out' to your entire family is highly distasteful at best, and outright mega-attention whoring at the worst.

If your presence is going to cause a commotion, if its going to move the focus off the guest of honor (corpse/bride) then the only polite thing to do is to stay away.  So says Amy Vanderbilt, Miss Manners and myself.

She's definitely not going to use this as an opportunity to come out, because that would be so many kinds of bad. She would rather not go at all, but mom is pulling the "you need to be here for the family or we will be so very disappointed in you remember your family obligations" card. She even tried explaining to her mom why she would not be a very good funeral guest right now, but she's not having any of it.

We're just looking for a way to keep the peace, and gender-dysphoria induced meltdowns will not forward that cause. At all.  >.<

So wear a crappy suit for an hour (which is how long most funerals last) and with any luck they are Catholic, and there will be plenty to drink when its over.

Then do what she needs to do to keep the meltdown to a minimum.  And I had already figured that she wasn't wanting to go as herself, despite what Tekla thinks, and based on the title.

Have to agree with tekla, very strongly here.

This is an entirely inappropriate time to take attention away from others.

At such a time, sacrifice is the right and proper thing to do.

I personally hate suits. I hate formal clothing. I only ever wear such at funerals and weddings.

Once she has come out fully and completely, the time may be appropriate. But for now, it is the deceased and his immediate family that are the priority.

The wake is 4 hours long. The funeral is another several hours. She is 19 and can't drink.

Just to clarify; she has no intention of dressing in female clothes as we both agree that this is not the appropriate time to come out to the family. We're just looking for tips on surviving being stuffed into a suit.

I think we're gonna have to go with the subtle femme accents, things that no one but her will be likely to notice.

ETA: and yes, she's going to have to stay for the whole thing. She has trouble standing up to her parents sometimes and they have made it clear that there is NO COMPROMISING on this issue. It's going to be rough.

Despite being slapped, I agree.  It is a tough time for her and the family.  A Cami under a shirt.  Some jewelry that is she find to her liking. maybe even a handkerchief with her favortie scent that she can smell every once in a while.

And then bring her home, get her into something really feminine and take her out, if she is out where you live.

As for surviving.

What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

Ain't it the truth, Spacial

Just get her to dress more tomboy-ish. She doesnt have to be totally male. Id say a ponytail and a nice feminine black jacket, and black slacks.

I can understand her turmoil.  (A similar thing happened to me.)

If she has to go, she can under-dress (women's underwear under male attire), although if she has been full time for a while that may not be too satisfying.  She can also feminize the male attire – soft shirt under the suit jacket, some unobtrusive makeup, a little jewelry that isn't blatantly feminine.  I found a brooch that looked like a boutonnière that I wore to an event.  People liked it and thought I was brave to sport such a thing as man.

Good luck to both of you.  It will be tough but you can get through it.  You'll need some together time afterwards.

Oh, and once things settle down from the funeral, it might be time to come out to the rest of the relatives.  Just a thought.

- Kate

I think I'm going to subtly alter a guy's formal shirt so it fits in a more feminine manner. I do this all the time for myself, because guys shirts are the only button downs (ironically) that I can find large enough to accommodate the Rack of Doom, but if I don't alter them I look like a giant box. It's something that no one else will probably notice, but will make a difference to her.

Believe me, we already have plans for when we get home that night. They involve pretty dresses and silly hats. Unwinding will happen :)

She's getting her official name change soon, so she'll likely be out to them in the near future. Hopefully no one else dies between now and then.

 

How about a quid pro quo? Show up at the funeral in boy-mode, and make it clear that's the last time you ever do that, and come out to the family within the next month.

Is 19 really too young to drink at a family wake? A Catholic family? I mean, if it were Baptist or Muslim or Mormon, that would be one thing. But Catholic? Seems odd.

Clothes: black blazer, slacks, sweater*, and women's oxfords, or something along those lines; hair down. And lay low, keep quiet, and let people draw their own conclusions. Hey, it's a funeral, you can wear black. Alternately, do the fitted shirt thing, wear a thin black tie, and tell her to pretend she's Kate Moennig. Every time a relative says, "You're looking very ---," mentally replace "---" with "Shane."

FWIW, I had to spend a whole bloody weekend in boy mode with the family last fall after being full-time for months, and while it really, really sucked, it was nevertheless a good learning experience that made it really clear I would never do that again.



* (or whatever; I wouldn't go for the button-down, because that would necessitate a tie, and that would be hell. Ties are lovely -- on anyone but me, say I. You could go for a women's plain black mock turtleneck, and it wouldn't matter to anyone else.)

Just as I was coming out a number of close relations to me died.

The most significant was my fathers funeral.  He and I had some significant issues between us in the last years of his life.  But I was not going to take away the focus of his funeral for my coming out.  But I did vow that it was the last time.

For the other relations to me, I was able to send flowers (in my old name) and not have to attend in person.

To take the focus away of any occasion that isn't yours (wedding, funeral, bat mitzvah, bar mitzvah) is in poor taste as everyone has pretty much agreed.  As distasteful as it is, Wren should just suck it up and go in drag this one last time.

It sounds like having an unwinding afterwards is going to be fun.  I kind of did the same thing after my dad's funeral.

But it also motivated me to finish coming out to everyone so that on the next major occasion they would all understand that there would be no further appearances of the "guy", no matter what.

-Sandy

I feel your pain. I try and accent my clothing day to day but I'm really not even out right now so unless I'm locked away in my room, I'm in proverbial hell.

 i guess there is a formal dress code for the funeral?

if not why not wear something more gender neutral or androgynous?

i guess it will be hard, but it is a one time event. but the difficulty will be to keep a distracted mind from being in drag. 

She actually ended up wearing one of my shirts, a very gender neutral black button down with shell buttons, under a suit jacket. She also wore tiny dangling earrings shaped like wings, which no one could really see because of her hair which she wore down. She actually looked quite beautiful, and rather like a butch lesbian more than a guy. It seemed to pass muster with her family, so all is well. It has also been made clear to them that this is the last time they are getting her in a suit.

It's right that she should present as "male" in these most difficult of circumstances, but tell her it will only be for an hour or two and, hey, she may never have to wear that suit again ever......

...........SORRY just after I clicked submit I saw the previous post. I'm glad that things went as well as possible for Wren and that she can now put the ordeal behind her.

I'm glad she made it through Aero and stood her ground saying she won't do it again.

Quote from: mija on February 28, 2010, 09:46:23 PM
I'm glad she made it through Aero and stood her ground saying she won't do it again.

And now she stands her ground.  And hopefully she won't have to go to another funeral for a long time.

Thanks for your help and support everyone :)
It was definitely an ordeal, but at least it's over. And when we got home we celebrated it being over by joining some friends in a neo-Victorian zombie apocalypse roleplay, complete with little top hats and fluffy skirts. And it was excellent.

I'd wear a chador

Glad it went well.

Makes me glad I came out to my extended family already.  No way would I ever 'girl up' or wear a dress at this stage, nor will I shave my scruff.   :o

I definitely agree that a wedding or a funeral isn't the place to come out.  But I have discovered that people who knew me well do NOT recognize me at all.  I probably could attend something as a 'friend' and get away with it.  But likely if I weren't already out, I'd stay away.

Jay

Quote from: spacial on February 10, 2010, 09:18:12 PM
As for surviving.

What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

Whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stranger. >:-)