Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone,

Sorry that I've been missing awhile, I've been buried under a bit of negativity for awhile now, and just couldn't come here, or even properly participate in my offline life either. I'm doing much better now though, not 100% yet, but on the climb at least.

So, yeah, I got my referral which is great! It'll still be awhile until I actually get in to see the Dr. (don't even know yet what my appointment date is), but at least it's forward movement, and that feels great.

How's everyone been this past little while?

Congrats!


Jay

Congrats, at least you're moving in the right direction!

congrats, dude!

Nice one- every step forward counts

Congrats!

Thanks everyone, I totally appreciate it. :D

welcome back James. Wondered what happened to you.

That's great! We missed you. Or, I guess I can't speak for everyone. Well, I liked having you around. Welcome back and it's good that things are going on track for you.

Welcome back. I'm glad to hear you're making progress.

Welcome back mate.. I looked at your picture before I read what you had written and thought damn he isn't on T already?  :o

Congrats on the next step!

Jay

Quote from: LordKAT on February 12, 2010, 02:59:21 AM
welcome back James. Wondered what happened to you.

ditto. Congrats!

Quote from: Jay on February 12, 2010, 04:54:20 AM
Welcome back mate.. I looked at your picture before I read what you had written and thought damn he isn't on T already?  :o

Congrats on the next step!

Jay

I thought this too :o I assumed you were on T this whole time

Quote from: Jeatyn on February 12, 2010, 01:10:37 PM
I thought this too :o I assumed you were on T this whole time

Yeah, you look really masculine. Sure you need T? Looking good already, seriously.

Hey James, I was thinking of you this week. I'm glad to see you're doing better and are now in the system. :)

Thanks everyone, it's so nice to hear your positive replies I think I really needed that right now.

As much as I thought I was through my little bout of depression, I'm sitting here in my office after everyone's left, and I'm crying my eyes out. I think I keep trying to pretend like this is so easy and I'm getting through it all "so well" and doing all the "right things" but it's just so freakin hard sometimes you know? It's hard being different, it's hard caring about what people think when I know I shouldn't, it's hard being patient for people to get used to my name and pronouns when I just want to be me already, it's hard knowing I can't even do that (as in medically and socially) because I'm still not out to my kids or work yet, and it's like living half of my life trapped in quicksand.

I hate not being able to deal with this all "positively" and still feeling so depressed. I hate this stupid estrogen which is adding to the problem, I hate feeling like no matter what it'll never be "easy" and there will always be people who judge me, and I hate this body that keeps screaming "you're a girl and there's nothing you can do about it!". And I know, I shouldn't care what others think, but I do. I keep thinking "I don't care" about my body either but then I realize I really do, and I can't keep pretending this is easy and I'm not struggling.

Then I come on here and swing back and forth between "hey everyone, I'm all happy now" and this depressive bullcrap. The whole reason I was gone for so long was because I didn't want to burden you all with my stupid crap, but I just have to tell someone how I really feel. I'm not "all better" I'm not "happy now" I'm miserable and I don't know what to do with that emotion. With my friends and family I've gotta be strong and help them all through this and be patient of how hard it is for them to feel like they're losing "her" and I've gotta try to stay positive and reassure them all that this won't f-up my kids to know that their mother is a dude and meanwhile feeling like "yeah, but what if it DOES f them up??" What if it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever put them through (which is saying something)?

And I know life's not meant to be perfect or normal or easy. I know that's a fallacy, unobtainable, and stupid. But I also feel like "why can't it just be easy for a minute?" or at least not keep getting harder and harder. And why do I have this stupid inborn feeling of "it shouldn't be this hard, life shouldn't be this completely soul-crushing"? Why do I have that feeling, if this is just how life is - hard and unfair.

Crap. I know I just spewed emotional vomit everywhere, and I'm sorry, but right now I can't even feel like it's wrong of me. I just have to get this out. Am I insane for feeling so scared and sad and stressed and like I'm holding up the whole world around me, when all I want is for someone to help hold me up for just a minute, just a little break from all of this. I don't know.

Sorry everyone

James, although probably with less severity, I know exactly how you feel. The GID has been getting worse and I've been trying to act happy all the time. Recently I came out to everyone and haven't really been trying to hide it, and I realize what an emotional wreck I am (or at least compared to before.)

I hate these crazy mood swings, all it really takes is a comment or for me to notice something about myself and I get all depressed. Many times even feel like crying. Makes me feel even worse that it seems to strike at inopportune times. Other people shouldn't have to deal with this crap, it's not their fault and so far they've been really nice about it.

And I know I should get over it, but my body still bothers me. It really does. And medical technology at the moment (testosterone, basically) is great. I'll just never be as I felt I should have. And I still can't get over the woman-hips. They will always be there to mock me. It's difficult to convince yourself that you're not crazy, and in fact male when everything outside your mind says otherwise.

Edit:

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on February 16, 2010, 06:28:10 PM
Crap. I know I just spewed emotional vomit everywhere, and I'm sorry, but right now I can't even feel like it's wrong of me. I just have to get this out. Am I insane for feeling so scared and sad and stressed and like I'm holding up the whole world around me, when all I want is for someone to help hold me up for just a minute, just a little break from all of this. I don't know.

Sorry everyone

No problem, I think we can all relate to it and it's a support site.

I know some of what your going thro and while there's not a lot i can say that will help- i can tell you what happened with my son. He's about to turn eighteen but since he was about six other kids have been saying things to him about the way i look etc. I decided years ago that i wasn't going to transition til he was older and when he was 16 i spoke to him about it. First answer out of his mouth was no way i don't want you to do that. Six months later he brought the conversation up and this time he's totally on my side- in fact he's doing sociology and psychology at college and says i'm giving him an advantage. All i can say is that sometimes even tho the first reaction isn't what you'd hope for- it can work out and it doesn't always screw their heads up

James,
Go ahead ad "spew your emotional vomit." It lets me know I'm not the only one who goes through those times and that makes it easier. I hope it helps you to know that you are not the only one who goes through those thoughts. BTW, kids are resilient. don't think they will never adjust when they are young. I think they may even handle it better young than after they have set ideas on life and people.  Either way, maybe you can write a plan for proceeding. Start with the bothersome points first, coming out at work for example. When can or will you do that? What has to happen in order for you to be comfortable doing so? Make steps to get there. When you write out such a plan, you once again feel like you have some control over your life and that makes it easier to think as well as you plan may change but you can see what you need to do as well as mark your progress no matter how small a step it may be.


Cheer comes from working on it.

Hey, don't feel bad about venting here.  This is, after all, a support site.  That's what we're here for.   :) 

I totally get where you are coming from.  That's more or less where I was a year or so ago.  So much pressure building up, and it seemed as if things would never move forward.  I'm sure having kids makes it that much harder.  But the good news is, once the ball starts rolling, it seems to pick up speed exponentially.  You look back after a few months or a year and you think, "Wow!  Look how far I've come.  I never thought I'd get here, and yet here I am."  Getting that referral is the first nudge in the right direction.  Good luck.  And remember, we're always here when you need a pep talk.

P.S.  You look so much like an old friend of mine who I lost contact with.  You've never lived in the SF Bay area, have you?  :P

I can't really give advise about kids but you can talk to your therapist about this once you get to see him. I'm sure he's seen this before. Would they maybe allow your kids in some of the sessions?

I know you don't know when you'll get to see your therapist, but remember many guys have been in your situation before, transitioned anyway and the kids came out O.K. I don't know how old your children are but I have heard younger children are more accepting and adaptive to it. Good luck. :)

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today. I'm still really down, but I'm letting myself sit with those feelings instead of always pushing them aside and trying to "just get through it" and I think that's healthier (for once). I had a really great talk with two very amazing friends last night, and they helped me realize that I've been holding up everyone else in my life through this process, and it's okay to need someone to hold me up when I need it. You're all completely right that I shouldn't worry so much about the spewing (lol), if I took the time to vent more it wouldn't build up to these vesuviun proportions in the first place. I am so glad I've got awesome friends who'll slap me around when I'm being stupid, and you guys that I can vent to and relate with.

SilverFang, the crying is definitely a sore spot with me. I hate that I cry when I'm mad or depressed. And I'm always terrified for anyone to find out. Then yesterday when I hung out with my supportive friends, I cried a river and they were totally there for me. It really felt good to get it all out instead of always trying to hold it in. I think I really needed that release.

LordKat, it definitely does help to know that others feel this way too. Often when I come to Susan's I'm wary of posting anything negative because I don't want to bring everyone down, or dampen the mood from congratulatory threads about T and passing and such. But again, you guys are right, this is a support site, and I should stop kidding myself that I don't need support when quite clearly I do.

As for coming out at work, I really want to wait until I have my carry letter. Without that, I don't think I'd have the guts to use the men's washroom (as I feel like I don't have the legal right to be in there), and I sure as hell don't want to come out to this office of mostly women (catty suburbanite hockey-moms at that) and then have to use the same washroom as them. God, I already hate using that washroom as it is, let alone with the added awkwardness that'd add... I'm not expecting much understanding or support from my coworkers, and while I don't really care what they think, I at least want to have all my ducks in a row first so that they know they have to take me seriously (legally at least). After I've got my carry letter, I'll be ready to stand up to their potential bigotry with a (just) sense of entitlement.

Alex and Radar, as for my kids, I'm actually not as worried about how they'll take the news, I'm more concerned about how their redneck dad and his evil fiancee will take it. They already see me as the "big bad evil lesbian" who taints their moral existence just by my very presence (limited though it may be) in their lives. What I'm most worried about with my kids is not that my being trans will mess them up, but that the way their dad and stepmom REACT to my being trans will mess them up. Which I know is their responsibility for their own behavior, but at the same time, it's *because* of me, so I feel like I have to try and make it go as best as possible. Which may be impossible. I might just have to accept that their dad will be a jerk about it, and hope that he doesn't take them away from me, and hope that I can infuse them with enough love and support to make up for the struggle they go through with that side of the family on my account. Sigh, it's really depressing to think of how much conflict and work are ahead of me in this area. :(

Jamie, that's it exactly, the pressure building up and feeling stuck with no way to move forward. I know it'll get easier eventually, I think I'm just mentally preparing (and falling a part a little first) for the epic battle I have ahead of me. I am glad I've got the referral, but that being said, it'll still be months until I actually get in to see the doc. Alberta is the most redneck place in Canada, we're in Oil and Cattle country (basically the Texas of Canada), in what amounts to our version of the "bible belt" as well... It's not fun being "other" here, and it also means our resources are very few, far between, and oppressively difficult to access. But, at least I'm on the list. Step one.

And nope, I've never lived in Cali, or actually anywhere in the States. I've lived in Germany and went to school on the American military base though, so I spent a few years growing up with kids from all over the US. :)

Anyhow, I am really glad to have you all here, and I know I've been coming and going these past few months while I tried to hide my emotions (from everyone including myself), but I think now that I've acknowledged the importance of getting this stuff out, I won't be such a stranger anymore. Thanks again friends. :)

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Post Merge: February 17, 2010, 04:26:11 PM

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Oh, also (for those who asked): my kids are 5 and 10.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on February 17, 2010, 04:25:38 PM


Alex and Radar, as for my kids, I'm actually not as worried about how they'll take the news, I'm more concerned about how their redneck dad and his evil fiancee will take it. They already see me as the "big bad evil lesbian" who taints their moral existence just by my very presence (limited though it may be) in their lives. 

Oh, also (for those who asked): my kids are 5 and 10.

Mine were 13 and 9 when I came out.  Their dad was an arse, although lucky for me an arse with no money, so even if he wanted to make a stink he had no money to do so.  And I still haven't told him that not only am I a man, I'm a gay man.  That ought to make his day!  Both kids know and don't care.  And I'm lucky that at 11 and 15 they would have some say as to who they want to live with.  Right now they want (and need) both of us.


Jay

Quote from: sneakersjay on February 17, 2010, 04:32:42 PM
Mine were 13 and 9 when I came out.  Their dad was an arse, although lucky for me an arse with no money, so even if he wanted to make a stink he had no money to do so.  And I still haven't told him that not only am I a man, I'm a gay man.  That ought to make his day!  Both kids know and don't care.  And I'm lucky that at 11 and 15 they would have some say as to who they want to live with.  Right now they want (and need) both of us.

My ex is an arse with money and rich parentals... If he chooses to sue for custody, I'm pretty much f'd. I'm completely broke (and carrying more debt than I'd like to be) and my mom is already carrying both of my brothers financially, on an admin assistant's pay. So yeah, I really REALLY hope he doesn't go that route. :(

If I wish on enough stars, maybe he'll just vanish...

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on February 17, 2010, 04:25:38 PM
...the pressure building up and feeling stuck with no way to move forward. I know it'll get easier eventually, I think I'm just mentally preparing (and falling a part a little first) for the epic battle I have ahead of me.

I know exactly what you mean. However I have moved somewhat ahead of that now. I've been coming out to family and preparing for the Battle Royale ahead at work.  :icon_boxing: But I do work at a small company and see everybody pretty much everyday and if they haven't figured something out by now they're really, really daft. ::) People are weird.

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Post Merge: February 18, 2010, 09:03:40 AM

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Quote from: NES_junkie_James on February 17, 2010, 05:23:36 PMIf I wish on enough stars, maybe he'll just vanish...

I wish it was that easy. :(

Radar, I'm kind of stressing about the coming out at work thing too. Not as much as I'm freaking out about my kids' dad, but still enough that it's adding to my plate of worries.

Anyone who ever said being trans was easy is either amazingly lucky, in complete denial, or just plain wrong... 0.o

Good luck with the work and ex. In the end I lucked out on the partner part as she and I are still together and ended up waiting until I was not longer employed before dealing with the work situation.
Myles

For what it's worth, I work in a blue-collar warehouse job in semi-rural Wisconsin.  I was really nervous about coming out in that situation as well.  As it turns out, it's been a total non-issue.  Even my Rush-Limbaugh-loving, homophobic uncle took it in stride.  Obviously, not everyone is that lucky.  But my, personal, experience has been that the anticipation of coming out is a lot worse than the reality.  I hope it turns out the same for you guys.