Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Recently, my mom has been having those "your mind is easily influenced" "you'll probably regret this in the future" talks with me because of my coming out to her while hastily asserting that no, no she's not doubting my judgement or trying to talk me out of it.

Recently though, I got the strangest advice she ever gave me. She advised I go find a woman to have sex with to see if it was right for me. Ridiculous, never in my wildest dreams did I see her saying that. It's weird. Also quite unlikely that I'll find a girl (know a few lesbians, don't like them very much.)

In any case, I guess I'm just sharing it because it's rather funny. Or at least to me it is.

That's what a psychiatrist told me to do, actually.

Maybe a psychiatrist, but my mom? My conservative, gay-bashing mom? We never talked about these sorts of things.

Doesn't work though, I'm in a relationship.

My mom (and several friends) told me to go find a guy and have sex with him, thinking that would 'fix me.'  My mom offered to go to a bar with me to pick some random guy.  Unexpected advice from one's mother (my mom is kinda conservative as well, definitely not the kind of person who would normally advocate her 'daughter' getting laid by random guys), so... I feel ya.

I think most people confuse 'sexual orientation' and 'gender identity'.  It's problematic.

Does your mom know mine? Because my mom suggested i was having these feelings because i haven't had any "experiences" and that maybe i need to have some.... and almost begged me to tell her i was butch lesbian.  :o

My therapist (just today) told me that lesbian isn't the issue. She believes i never had any of "thos experiences" because i was highly uncomfortable with my body as a female. That made more sense to me......

Mom's will say and do some strange things when they panic or hear what they they don't want to hear. My mom keeps telling me to "have an open mind" about this and i just recently had to shoot back at her that "this thing goes both ways, where's YOUR open mind?" She also told me to "stop being so obvious" about "it" (IE wearing guys undies though dunno how that is "obvious" as no one sees them, wearing guys deodorant, etc.)

I just roll my eyes and i'm going to leave it to my therapist to work it out with them lmao.

hihi :) just keep explaining and telling her it's not it. Ask ehr to try to understand.

FWIW it doesn't self correct.

I didn't have sex until I was 29 primarily because I wasn't comfortable with my body (not that I didn't do other things but never got fully naked with anyone until then).  And then, while pleasurable, I suppose, was not quite right as I was in the wrong role.

Even having kids didn't fix it!!  LOL

I'm not female, and was never female, no matter what it looked like even way back then.  Tell your mothers that, LOL.  And they are welcome to email me :).


Jay

One thing that makes it easier for her to swallow is that I consider myself a straight male. So I said I'm attracted to women (which I am.) She's concerned that I'll regret testosterone because I won't be pretty to men anymore. So it's not that she just thinks I'm gay. She does seem to think I'm delusional though.

Ah, parents parents. What would we do without them?

Quote from: SilverFang on February 19, 2010, 04:07:37 PM
Ah, parents parents. What would we do without them?

Live free and unencumbered. By parents, anyway. ;)

Wow, well I know when I discovered I was trans recently, and I'm not a young lad, I have to realize it's taken me years better said 'decades' for me to come to terms with who I am, I can't imagine it will take friends, family and parents any less time.
Plus, we have to realize that our parents either planned us out (or not) and found out we were female, then bought all the pink stuff. They then imagined having a typical baby girl then a teen daughter then... then; That's a lot of time daydreaming, planning and wishing we've erased from their mental vision on how life would be for them and their daughter. I don't know. It's not easy for anyone involved that's for d@mn sure.

Quote from: SilverFang on February 19, 2010, 04:07:37 PM
One thing that makes it easier for her to swallow is that I consider myself a straight male. So I said I'm attracted to women (which I am.) She's concerned that I'll regret testosterone because I won't be pretty to men anymore. So it's not that she just thinks I'm gay. She does seem to think I'm delusional though.

Ah, parents parents. What would we do without them?

Try having a calm chat with her, explaining her what you hate about being a woman and why you are so drawn to be a man, how it's probably logically unexplainable and just an inherent nature.
How you feel bad in your current state..
Then show her example how those guys are NOT freaks and they can be men just as anyone else, look good and everything.
Tell her you looked into the subject and there are things you are unhappy with like the bottom surgery, show her you're serious and did you study.

Sorry for replying on a guys thread but Folk Fanatics comment hit me.
"(IE wearing guys undies though dunno how that is "obvious" as no one sees them, wearing guys deodorant, etc.)"

Isn't this the same as mothers have always said, "and make sure you are wearing clean undies, in case you have a car accident and have to go to hospital"

Never understood that one either
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Hugs Guys

Cindy

Cindy - believe it or not, my mom thinks about that stuff. No joke. Not just undies/hospital, but other stuff too. Like my books (gay themed stuff) and writings (again, gay themed)  -  "what if you DIE, honey, and someone goes through your stuff and finds it?"  :o

Well mom, if i'm dead then i won't care WHAT they find... will i?   ;)

Quote from: CindyJames on February 20, 2010, 01:32:24 AM
Isn't this the same as mothers have always said, "and make sure you are wearing clean undies, in case you have a car accident and have to go to hospital"

This was basically the root of my mother's reason for not letting me bind the lumps down at first. "But what if you're in a car accident and they have to cut off your shirt and they see... that thing. You think they'll properly treat a girl who looks like she can't even afford a normal bra?" ...Yeah, I think the comment speaks for itself. (Not to mention the insistance of 'girl' and going through to saying 'binder=poor bra'. I died a little inside.) ...I'll never understand mothers when it comes to things like that.

Quote from: FolkFanatic on February 20, 2010, 10:08:00 AM
"what if you DIE, honey, and someone goes through your stuff and finds it?"  :o
Well mom, if i'm dead then i won't care WHAT they find... will i?   ;)

I second this. Completely. It's like 'Firstly, why would someone I don't know go through my things. Secondly, I'll be dead so why should I care?'

:rolleyes: Parents. And they call us the confusing ones!

Quote from: SilverFang on February 19, 2010, 02:24:26 PM

Recently though, I got the strangest advice she ever gave me. She advised I go find a woman to have sex with to see if it was right for me. Ridiculous, never in my wildest dreams did I see her saying that. It's weird. Also quite unlikely that I'll find a girl (know a few lesbians, don't like them very much.)

This is what comes from confusing gender identity with sexual orientation.  She is assuming that since you want to live as a guy, that you should be liking girls.

Others that I know have had their parents say something similar like "Wow, that is a pretty big step, couldn't you try just being gay first?"  In one respect it is humorous.  But in another, it is touching and compassionate.  It shows that she is trying to understand the difficult issues you are having to deal with.

Treasure that and cultivate it.  It means that she accepts you as her child, no matter what.  So many of us are rejected or given ultimatums without any attempt at understanding.

Best of luck!

-Sandy

Quote from: Lachlann on February 19, 2010, 02:26:16 PM
That's what a psychiatrist told me to do, actually.

My first attempt at transitition was 20 years ago. My psych told me that I needed to setle down and marry a pretty girl and have some kids and my issue would go away as long as I avoided cross dressing!
So I married and tried to have kids. Never had the kids but I definatly made every attempt to be normal.
But to have your Mom say something like this is BS.
It is a shame O.P. that your mom said this. I can say from experiance that, that advise is the worst possible to give a ->-bleeped-<-.

Sneakersjay is 110% correct. I can't speak for having the kids thing, but if that can't convince someone that it can't be changed or "cured" then nothing would.

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Post Merge: February 21, 2010, 11:07:02 AM

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Quote from: Arch on February 19, 2010, 04:18:02 PMLive free and unencumbered. By parents, anyway. ;)

Second.

Quote from: cynthialee on February 21, 2010, 09:20:14 AMBut to have your Mom say something like this is BS.
It is a shame O.P. that your mom said this. I can say from experiance that, that advise is the worst possible to give a ->-bleeped-<-.

Well, the psychiatrist I went to was off his rocker but... how is it BS coming from his mom? It's actually a very valid suggestion.

His mom isn't telling him to get married, have kids, etc... She's telling him to go out and figure out himself. While orientation is not the same as gender identity, it is easy to confuse them and not everyone needs to transition in order to feel happy with their gender identity.

How is telling him, to have sex with a girl the same as telling him to get married to a man, have kids, and the issue will go away? It's not the same thing. It's saying go test things out, not make a life commitment.

Quote from: Lachlann on February 21, 2010, 01:33:27 PM
Well, the psychiatrist I went to was off his rocker but... how is it BS coming from his mom? It's actually a very valid suggestion.

His mom isn't telling him to get married, have kids, etc... She's telling him to go out and figure out himself. While orientation is not the same as gender identity, it is easy to confuse them and not everyone needs to transition in order to feel happy with their gender identity.

How is telling him, to have sex with a girl the same as telling him to get married to a man, have kids, and the issue will go away? It's not the same thing. It's saying go test things out, not make a life commitment.

Nice, well spoken sir.

Quote from: Lachlann on February 19, 2010, 02:26:16 PM
That's what a psychiatrist told me to do, actually.

Whoa,seriously?
My therapist would never tell me that. She knows the difference between sexuality and gender identity.

Quote from: s1ncere on February 24, 2010, 08:55:53 PM
Whoa,seriously?
My therapist would never tell me that. She knows the difference between sexuality and gender identity.

I imagine the therapist knew the difference, however also knew that many people in their younger years don't know the difference and don't know what they want or who they are. Not in all cases, but I would imagine many therapists wouldn't turn their back on that statistical possibility. Or maybe the therapist is an idiot... I don't really know for sure  :-)

Quote from: H205 on February 24, 2010, 10:07:39 PM
I imagine the therapist knew the difference, however also knew that many people in their younger years don't know the difference and don't know what they want or who they are. Not in all cases, but I would imagine many therapists wouldn't turn their back on that statistical possibility. Or maybe the therapist is an idiot... I don't really know for sure  :-)

Well, he was pretty unhelpful as a therapist and insulting, but I saw no issue with what he was suggesting for that reason. He was fair on that point.

He had no way of knowing what was going on with me at that point, so I can't really expect him to just take me at face value. Since orientation can be tied to certain roles, it's not so out of the norm even if there is variety. It's not about what he thinks as much as he's trying to understand how I think and feel.

That's just how I feel about it.