Susan's Place Transgender Resources

We oftentimes hear about what we've gained by transitioning...e.g. freedom, happiness, being ourselves, a marvelous new life, yet we're not used to talking or hearing about the things we've lost due to transition.  This discussion thread addresses that very issue.

What have you lost due to transition?

Lost the ability to be at least a little comfortable with my mother. A little disillusioned with people. Lost confidence in my ability to stay sane in the face of problems. In being more open with my emotions, I find that I have mood swings and recognize little irritating "attacks" of GID.

Nothing serious yet.

The biggest loss to me has been my family. Not the one I started with but the one I could have had. I so desperately wanted kids and a husband, that's been my big dream for my life. But I'm post-op, so having children will be an actual factual miracle. Plus, I can barely get a guy to speak to me, let alone go on a date (It's been seven years since my last one).

It's been hard to give up the dream, but setting different goals and finding other things to work towards in life makes the journey much easier. The only time it really upsets me now is when I think about getting older. My grandma needs my mother and her siblings to help her out and counts on them as a source of company and conversation. I get scared sometimes thinking about what life will be like at her age without a family to depend on. It's had to sleep through thoughts like those.

I still collect wedding ideas and nice baby names though.  :)

What have I lost due to transition?

I never had anything before transition, not even myself.

Now I have a life and a reason to live.

I lost nothing.

1. Income - I have a lower paying job in a new career now.
2. Some friends - I think this is more just to changes to me and what we're both looking for in a friendship. When you only have the past in common, it's really hard to carry on a meaningful relationship unless you have some common things other than the past to pull you together.

I think that's it. Not to sound like a broken record, but I had a relatively easy transition. My family was accepting as were my friend for the most part. The job thing, I'm really looking forward to starting again and building a new career for myself :)

i lost verry little,
maybe my draw of boxer shorts, i however gained the real me, much better pay, understanding, kindness and happiness and it can only get better

So far I have not lost much or anything. My relationship with my father is a little bit awkward, but that's the only problem.

I haven't finished my transition yet so I am a bit in limbo. I present as female though knowingly not a passable one. This limbo state takes away some of my freedoms such as where I can go. I live in an area that is a bit rednecky and am moving in a few months to a more friendly atmosphere. I have also lost the realistic ability to have an intimate relationship with someone due to the in-between status.

Other than that, all is good and I am a happy camper so far. :)

I lost a lifetime of living a lie, I lost a deep and abiding sadness that permeated my soul from childhood, I lost a shadow existence that could never be a real life at all. I've gained immeasurably more than anything I've lost.

The relationship has changed with my spouse.
I have lost our intimate times.
And I may eventual loser her
Jillieann

Money.

I lost one thing I care about the most and that was having the ability to have my own children.  I remember sitting in my car in the car park at the hospital, just about to be dropped of for my surgery and I realised that I should have planned to have children.  I realised the finality of my decision, I was going to be sterilized, I was probably already sterilized by the hormones I was taking.  Yes, what I was about to proceed with was much more final than the simple cut (snip).

I lost a lifeless existence, which was finally replaced with an energetic and vibrant person who cares for the people, I have around me.  I too have gained far more from my new life than I will ever know and finally I lost the first person I truly loved.

All things considered, for what I have given up or lost is insignificant compared to what I have now (with the exception of having my own children).  I have never ever regretted what I have done and I will always be eternally grateful to my surgeon for what he did for me and that was to give me my life.

Kind regards
Sarah B

The ability to grope random men.

Most of my family and some friends, a lousy job in the UK and being broke most of the time

Now I am comfortably well off, have a great career for a large US Company, and good friends/colleagues who know nothing of my past.

so the gains in my case far outway the losses

Quote from: FairyGirl on February 20, 2010, 06:50:22 AM
I lost a lifetime of living a lie, I lost a deep and abiding sadness that permeated my soul from childhood, I lost a shadow existence that could never be a real life at all. I've gained immeasurably more than anything I've lost.

What she said. 

My next door neighbor is not as friendly.  I don't seem to be as physically strong as I was.  And this has cost a fair amount of money.  But otherwise I've only gained.  My friends are closer because I'm more open.  I have lots more fun.  And I gained some courage.

I've gained me and I've gained a life.

- Kate

Let's see:

* A relationship with my mom, 3 brothers and one sister. They all went silent on me. My father and I speak every couple of weeks only by phone, and only when I call him.
* My business which I sold to pay for surgery. Money in the bank is a fading memory.
* Male privalege in terms of always being taken seriously just because I was male. (I know, isn't that crazy?)
* The ability to just get up and run out of the house without any effort and looking a mess!
* Strength. I can't lift what I once did, but then do I really still want to?
* Sex as a guy. Yuck, who wanted that in the first place?
*Lost a lousy marriage. That shouldn't count as a loss, however!  ;)

All in all though, I've gained so much. I'm in a wonderful relationship with Julie Marie, and would not have been able to had I not had the courage to be myself. I also preserved a wonderful relationship with my son and daughter. I have also made so many wonderful new friends, both trans and not. I am also living my life truthfully with no regrets. I can't imagine being anyone other than Julie Kristine. Wasn't I always?

Ps. I just posted a couple of polls regarding job loss and earnings in the poll section. Please participate, thanks!

Money.

2 people who were not really friends after all. no big loss.

The ability to pee standing up without getting my hands soaked.

Quote from: Alyssa M. on February 20, 2010, 10:56:39 AM
Money.

I second that!

I only gained. I gained confidence, I gained myself, I gained my family, our relationship is better than ever!
I gained freedom, I gained(and gaining) my body, I gained so much.

When I wasn't treating myself I lost things, then I lost: my family, myself, 3 or 4 years of university, my first original teenage years, friends who thought I am too girly and weird, my self expression because I wasn't allowed to as it was unacceptable and probably many other things.

I lost my sanity a while ago :P

other then money I guess the only thing I lost was years of crap, both around me in the form of horded junk, and in my mind, the defensive mechanisms put up as result of depression and emotional trauma.

money.  lots of it.

Money - and I've got a lot more to lose.
A few friends, but they were not close friends.
The ability to join friends for spontaneous outings in less than 2 hours of prep/powder/primp.
The freedom to jog shirtless.
My job, because of the lack of laws in the state I am now moving out of, and my previous employers inability to decide which restroom I can use.  Not to mention the loss of safety while using the mens room.

The ability to carry anything more than my backpack and a beer up the flights of stairs to my apartment (yes, while sober).
I am unable to join company on the patio this winter without wearing my "party hats".
The relaxing joy of sleeping on my stomach... it's just not relaxing at this point.
The guiltless enjoyment of fried chicken, french fries and ice cream in order to fit into a size 8 (well, to be honest, I'm doing it for health too not just figure).

And of course, male privilege.

The desire to continue martial arts.  Yoga seems to be taking over.
A medication free body.
The ability to resist sappy, romantic comedies.
The ability to cough deeply in publicly - I can sneeze and sound like a girl, but my coughs need a LOT of work.

The freedom to scratch in public at times, in trade for adjusting my bra.
The ease to intimidate - if I scowl or stare at someone now, they just say "Oh how cute... she's mad!"

I'll stop for now.   :D

Male privilege, my relationship with my Father and 3brothers changed, they treat me different, they think my brain is smaller lol because Im now a woman.
p

I lost a wife and a few right wing friends. I also lost the insecurity I felt as a small feminine male as well as my constant feeling of being on edge because I tried to live successfully as a man when I was totally female inside. I am almost there now and I am very much at peace. In a little while when I stand in front of the mirror and see my new vagina I will be completely happy. In my mind there was nothing good about being physically male.

Pam

Quote from: Kaori on February 21, 2010, 05:20:57 PM
The ability to resist sappy, romantic comedies.

I never was able to resist them, but at least before I didn't get all teary when watching them. :P  It can get a little embarassing when I get all snuffly watching a movie I've seen 100 times.

- Kate

I lose a wife who I really did love and a beautiful home.

A few friends, but I gain more friends because of transition.

And of course the all important male privilege, which I was never comfortable with anyway.

Quote from: Nero on February 20, 2010, 12:57:07 PM
The ability to grope random men.

lol.

~~
There is nothing I've lost that didn't need to be culled.

I've lost a broken life in exchange for one that's mended.  I feel like I made out okay in the deal.

I lost what I never was & retrieved what I'd always been.

At first: Job, kids, house, Wife...
But hey I got myself, and that is priceless.

The kids and wife will come around in time I am sure.
Getting fired was probably a great career move for me anyway, heck I am moving to China, and that will be great for my resume.
Maybe my wife will sell the house and I can get at least half of the money if she sells it in 5 years.
Could be worse, just look at most of these stories.

Nothing that is worth mentioning.

Lost:
My marriage
My home
My family
My car
My job
Many "friends"

My rotten attitude
My insecurity

I'd do it all again in a heart beat.

Quote from: The Original Cami on February 24, 2010, 08:19:00 PM
Lost:
My marriage
My home
My family
My car
My job
Many "friends"

My rotten attitude
My insecurity

I'd do it all again in a heart beat.

Did u regret ur transition?

My male privilege.

That's about it.

I have lost nothing meaningful but gained everything that has meaning.

Nothing. Still have all my friends, family, house, car, career, and most importantly my daughter.

Instead of losing things I've gained things. More true friends, the freedom to be me, no more pressure to pretend, the list is long! :)

Quote from: JLT1 on March 23, 2013, 01:01:08 AM
I have lost nothing meaningful but gained everything that has meaning.

This sums it up for me too..

Some serious thread necromancy going on here...

Rise from your grave!
Altered Beast - Rise From Your Grave (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfIMy-ebZRk#)

Nothing really negative has occurred thus far.  Certain realities kick in.

Well 3 years has passed since my last post on this thread.
It may be a resurrected topic but it is a good one.
I am now full time.

I have lost:
My marriage but we are still friendly.
She was the beard winner so most of my income.
My retirement.
My home
My family, sisters will not even talk to me.
Many "friends"

But I have also gained much.
Positive self-esteem/self-confidence.
Joy and peace.
Real friends.
A future.
New name.


I love life now and would have transition sooner if I would have known this would be my future.

Hugs,
Jillieann

Lost a crap job,my best friend but he was a racist homophobe who pissed in the fireplace and put his cigarettes out in fried eggs.A violent shoplifting partner with an alcohol problem.My tolerance to alcohol and the need to get wasted on speed,weed and booze.going bald and shaving.My self hatred.My eating disorder and self harm
Gained,confidence,more interests,become more caring and sensitive.Weight!

Quote from: Serena Lynn on March 23, 2013, 02:09:09 AM
Nothing. Still have all my friends, family, house, car, career, and most importantly my daughter.

Instead of losing things I've gained things. More true friends, the freedom to be me, no more pressure to pretend, the list is long! :)

Where is your wife?

I just started so nothing. But I am hoping to lose a little something that i've been attached to hehehe

Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 24, 2013, 03:48:42 PM
I just started so nothing. But I am hoping to lose a little something that i've been attached to hehehe

Lol Joanna I loved the way you put that. It's great when you do lose touch with that old member haha

I have lost some friends and family and my old life.

I have gained so many positive things

I have a wonderful best friend, she was friends with me when I was still male. She has supported me every step of the way and she has helped me pass as woman. she showed me it  more than the clothes, but taught me the soft skills of being a woman. She is now my roommate and a good shopping buddy. I love being girlie with her, by spending afternoons chatting and doing our nails.
I have a wonderful new life as a woman with new people.

The only negative thing .. my social smoking habit when crossed dressed has now since turned into a regular light smoking habit since going full time a few years back. (one or two a day).  I don't fool myself and know that I am addicted to them, I will quit some day

I lost this angry guy somewhere, he's gone.

I lost the romance with my wife, she's not lesbian, we are more like sisters now.

I lost my high blood pressure

My losses have been really minimal considering....No regrets.

C -

I'm at the very beginning so I haven't lost anything yet... but I'm expecting to miss having pants with large pockets.

Lost my macho grumpy guy attitude.
Lost most of my facial hair.
Lost my gonads in a petrie dish last I saw them.
Lost my formerly homophobic attitude.
Most of what I lost was well worth losing and good riddance!

nothing I'll miss, still a couple of things to get rid of though ;)

extended family that I don't actually miss
a few inconsequential "friends"
a higher income
a bit of my introvertedness
a little maturity

I have lost

Interest in sex. I'd now rather cuddle.
A well-paying job that I hated so much.
in an indirect way, someone I considered my big sister. She started her transition before me but helped me get started, She lost her wife, children and virtually everything, even ending up homeless for a time in Detroit. She died early this year, supposedly from a heart attack, but there's too many uncertainties to say conclusively that it was natural or if she was murdered.

Money.

I lost the need to hide behind a mask.  To live my life as a part in a Play, memorizing my lines and pretending to be male.

I'm happy I lost those things.

Lost my partner at the time. Other than that I lost a "good" relationship with a father and brother, but do still talk to everyone. :) I lost lots of muscle, too..  ;)

So far i can't say i've really lost anything, except i feel like my opinions are not as relevant at work to anyone anymore.  /shrug, i'll gladly trade that for my happiness. If anything, it makes me feel like i'm beginning to be seen as the lady i am.

Not much realy, been pretty lucky with that.  only one friend dissappeared and so far as Im concerned good ridance, been replaced by quite a few more.
oh and of coarse I lost the dark angry scary guy that use to look back at me in the mirror :)

I've lost a lot of pens...And if you add an "i" to pens, I've lost that, too.

I've lost some weight.

I've lost some money.

I've lost the steady drum beat of GD and then the agony of it and then the memory of it.

And pens. So many fracking pens.

N.J.

I lost the freinds that I thought would be the most understanding and at first one even was encouraging....

The reason I thought they would be more accepting was because of their faith in God, ironically it was there faith in God that caused them to disown me....I have not let this alter my belief in God and still live my life the way God has intended it to be!!

I have come to notice the biggest lost was my male privilege but even more so I apparently have become stupid now!! At first this was somewhat a confirming recognition e.g she needs help,changing that flat tire.....but when it comes to something I do know or something anyone can know apparently a man always knows better!!

It doesn't help to say anything about it...you then are known as opinionated (bitch)!!

A lot of weight, a lot of money, a few good friends. Hours of sleep, thousands of short rough hairs, my apathy towards life and self alike. And that's just the beginning...

I'm seeing a reoccurring trend of "male privilege" and money. Being transgender is tough no matter the direction. But it seems even the f2m make off better than we do. We truly have drawn the short end of the stick.  To think gays (who are otherwise comfortable in their body) think they have it tough...