Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm sure your all reasonably culture savvy but for those who don't know "Sunnydale syndrome" is a buffy the vampire slayer reference, It refers to how unexplainable supernatural happens to the denizens of sunnydale yet despite this the population remain completely oblivious to supernatural happenings even unto death, It's not that they can't know it's that they don't want to know.

Anyway I'm of the opinion that my mother has this condition in regards to my GID I've not actually sat her down and explained it 1to1 with her but I have done just about everything else. So I worried is this nigh on impenetrable masquerade for my own protection because other than that she's a great single parent. She just has this huge elaborate alternate character interpretation for who I am.

Some examples.
Mum:"So what are your plans today?"
Me:"I have a laser hair removal appointment later this afternoon"
Mum:"that's interesting I hear alot of young men are doing that these days."
Me:"Sure mum, sure."

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*My mum wakes me up in the morning to tell me something last night I was cross-dressing but fell asleep as I'm mostly covered by sheets only a slightly girly tank top is visible.
mum:"I have a package coming today could you... OH MY GOD!" *She stares at me*
me:"urr..." *I look down*
mum:"...What... What have you done to your arms?!!" *referring to my old scars can be seen in the addiction/cutting thread*
me:"Mum your six years late on that call."
and she just told me what she wanted me to do that day and walked off ignoring what I was dressed in.
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here's another gemstone Sometimes I would dress up and sneak out of my window and just wander around the streets trying to pass it was late at night so the poor light and few pepole help me feel more confident. when I know my mother had gone to bed I would sneak back home through the back door.

I did this once got home changed and wento bed I woke in the morning my door was opened I got downstairs my mum is there... she is furious.
"Do you think you could get away with lying to me in my own home?" I'm silent "Did you think I wouldn't know about these things?"
I'm now terrified and silent... She's figured it out! but oh no I was right she hates me!
"You've been sneaking girls in here at night thinking I wouldn't know haven't you?!
fear is overcome with confusion, Who on earth is she talking abo... OH MY GOD!
She explained how she saw a mysterious girl enter the house through the back door in the dark say something then sneak upto my room.
I promised her I would never allow a stranger to wander around the house unescorted I was the only one around last night. And she's never mentioned it again.

I know there are cases where this might seem obvious to me not obvious to her I don't know of others who have stories like this.
How are you supposed to... Are you supposed to come out to pepole like this? Given she's so fixated on not knowing I'm tempted to not tell her but not hide the start of transition either to allow her to bring the issue to me when she's good and ready.
Or am I just finding an excuse for ditching responsibility?

It's like Russian Roulette dear - one day the gun will go off! :)

Little kids do the same thing, it's called assimilation:

QuoteAssimilation: This term stemmed from the work of Jean Piaget and his work on cognitive development of children. Assimilation is the cognitive process of fitting new information into existing cognitive schemas, perceptions, and understanding. This means that when you are faced with new information, you make sense of this information by referring to information you already have (information processed and learned previouly) and try to fit the new information into the information you already have. A similar process is accommodation (another one of Piaget's processes), but with accomodation the information you already have has to be adjusted to incorporate the new information.

That bit about your sneaking girls into the house made me lol...maybe you should start sneaking David Boreanaz into the house and see how she assimilates that...

There is the possibility that it simply hasn't occurred to her and she just doesn't have the right frame of reference to apply all these telltale signs to. It's a pretty tough concept to get to grips with, even for those of us who suffer with GID, let alone those looking in from the outside.

Maybe innocently bring up the subject of transgendered people in more general terms and gauge her views on the subject.

If, however, she starts talking about people from an Eastern European country, often mistakenly attributed with having an aversion to sunlight and a strong allergic reaction to garlic... you know you're in for an uphill battle. :-\

Quote from: pebbles on February 28, 2010, 06:41:01 AM
I know there are cases where this might seem obvious to me not obvious to her I don't know of others who have stories like this.
How are you supposed to... Are you supposed to come out to pepole like this? Given she's so fixated on not knowing I'm tempted to not tell her but not hide the start of transition either to allow her to bring the issue to me when she's good and ready.
Or am I just finding an excuse for ditching responsibility?

Heh.  Sunnydale syndrome...I'm going to have to remember that one.
(I was driven away from Buffy after only watching it a few times...by the "musical" episode)  ;)
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To answer your question though, it's a judgement call:
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She either:
A.  Suspects/Knows, but is hopelessly in denial.
B.  Suspects/Knows, and is waiting until you feel comfortable approaching her with it.
or C.  Is completely and utterly oblivious.
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Looking at it from an outside perspective, the 'tells' that you listed, are far too subtle (slightly girly tank, saw the vague figure of a girl come into the house under the cover of darkness, and there are a lot of laser ads that target men as well as women now)  You haven't really been caught doing anything overtly considered "female-only".  I think Becca said it best by "Assimilation."   Your mom saw something during those episodes...but minus the detail that would have made it an overt sign. 
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(I don't know if the subject of transgender individuals has ever come up in your house.  If it hasn't, it may be possilbe that she's completely oblivious to the subject.)
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As far as responsibility:
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You have a responsibility first to yourself:  How safe do you feel it would be to tell her?  Would there be consequences?  (ie.  safeguarding your own physical, economic, and emotional wellfare)
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Yes, you'll have to tell her eventually.  It sounds like you'll probably have to bring up the subject subtley at first though.  See how she feels about "those people"...and judge from there whether you should wait...or tell her.
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Good Luck! 

Well my mother politically is pretty liberal politically however I have noticed when discussing political issues that she's accepting to the point that these things don't interfere with her life, so she might apply a different standard of judgement to me. as I obviously do influence her life.

Maybe I ought to probe her opinions on the matter of transgender more closely.

When I inquired hypothetical female names she would have given for a first and second born daughter (I have a little sister thus she got the name I would have had if I were natal female)
I immediately noticed that her suspicion and defensiveness about this inquiry shot up when previously she'd been perfectly happy to discuss the negotiations and a whole list of alternate male names with me this in turn eventually raised my suspicion that she's not clueless.

That said I did manage to get the suggestion of "Helen" a name from my dad Although I'm no great fan of my dad.

I agree with Kay it is likely too subtle to really be concrete in her mind, and parents tend to want to think the best of their children; I have heard some pretty amazing stories of parents not knowing about serial killer children despite so many signs... And explaining bloody tracks on the kicthen floor should send off many more red flags than wearing a tank top.

Also I have noticed that when I do feminine things the first place people go is homosexuality, being transgender simply isn't the first thing people think of. Ironically the other day I was talking with my wife about how one of my friends calls one of my other friends gay and she said "If anyone in your group of friends were gay it would have to be you".... This makes me think that by hiding less I have given her some rather wrong ideas, despite my being completely unattracted to men.On top of that, while I am attracted to women, I think the fact I don't stare at their breasts or otherwise act like they are objects when I talk to them makes my wife even more suspicious.

I think sadly the direct approach may be the only way to tell certain people and when they don't react to hints, it is difficult to predict how they may react.

this seems to be a typically english way of dealing with things.... strange phenomenon really.... are you in the UK?  older english women seem to be able to ignore the pink elephant in the room at will even when tripping over it at every turn.  she probably knows, but this is her dealing with it.  i personally dont know how it turns out, since ive never personally seen the pink elephant acknowledged in the end.....

just an observation from across the pond over here.... and my apologies if you arent in the UK, in which case, shes a terribly oblivious american woman.....

Quote from: Becca on February 28, 2010, 06:59:49 AMThat bit about your sneaking girls into the house made me lol...maybe you should start sneaking David Boreanaz into the house and see how she assimilates that...

omg David Boreanaz can sneak into my house any time... >:-)

I have actually sat down and discussed it with my mom, no-holds-barred, flat out description of what GID is and the treatment for it, and she still chooses to completely ignore the big elephant in the room, even when I'm there fully dressed as female because I don't hide myself for anyone anymore. She never still refers to me by my old name at least, but she has yet to come out and use my real name. Nonetheless, I see that as progress. Its almost as though her method of acceptance is by pretending it never really happened, and the parts she can't deal with yet (like the name change) she just omits from her reality entirely, leaving a room full of holes.

This is hard for them too, and often takes an adjustment period to come to terms with it, just as it does for us. They don't want to believe anything has changed. All I can think of to do is to continue showing her how much happier and better a person it has made me, and hope she eventually becomes willing to admit the truth to herself.

Quote from: elementalincognitus on March 05, 2010, 05:00:13 PM
this seems to be a typically english way of dealing with things.... strange phenomenon really.... are you in the UK?  older english women seem to be able to ignore the pink elephant in the room at will even when tripping over it at every turn.  she probably knows, but this is her dealing with it.  i personally dont know how it turns out, since ive never personally seen the pink elephant acknowledged in the end.....

just an observation from across the pond over here.... and my apologies if you aren't in the UK, in which case, shes a terribly oblivious american woman.....

We are British : P Is it that Obvious?

Ohh I don't know : ( I don't want to ham this up. The observation was made that I'm basically a personality clone of my mother. Although it's a statement she agrees with thoroughly to the point where it might actually impair her ability to see beyond herself when she sees me. It is of course only an allegory.

I keep trying to think if I can use this too my advantage but my hypothetical responses are obviously tainted by my obviously close experience of the subject matter.

Aww where on earth am I supposed to get a David Boreanaz to help me in this matter at this hour? : P

tall, dark, and brooding... creature of the night? Shouldn't be hard to find one of those... finding one with a soul might be a little harder though ;)