Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I wanted to know if people felt the same, or had similar stories/triggers that they would like to talk about.

For myself I can usually tolerate my body. I don't look at myself in the mirror too often, or look at myself nude or with little clothing. Last night I was laying down and saw how large my chest is. It really freaked me out, and bothered me. I ended up crying for a good long while about it. I've also been a little panicked about being social or leaving my house because of my concerns with passing.

Anybody have similar moments? 

All the time. I'm very aware of my body and how it is deforming itself. I can feel it and it's horrible. At first it was only when I noticed, but now I am constantly aware. I try to ignore it but it's never content to sit back and leave me alone for too long, always comes back to ruin my day every once in awhile and I have a good, quiet crying fit or run.

Quote from: Nygeel on March 01, 2010, 02:58:28 AM
I've also been a little panicked about being social or leaving my house because of my concerns with passing.

Anybody have similar moments?

Try years. I became a hermit, as much as I could. I don't recommend it.

Quote from: Arch on March 01, 2010, 03:13:23 AM
Try years. I became a hermit, as much as I could. I don't recommend it.

I've been out of a job for 2 months. Since I'm getting unemployment enough to maintain my life I can just stay at home all day every day.

I didn't leave my house, answer the phone or door for a good year and a half before I realised what was "wrong" with me and came out. (of the closet, not my house :P)

I'm much better at dealing with it now but it definitely gets me down still. Depending on my mood it can be something as simple as a bus driver or something referring to me as "love" instead of "mate" - meaning I got read - that can send me into a spiral of dysphoria related depression.

I've been having massive difficultly finding and keeping a job so I've been doing volunteer work just so I have an excuse to get out of the house and interact with people, because the longer I avoid people, the harder it is to get back out there and I really don't want to end up a shut in again.

Most of my dysphoria is social rather than physical. Being seen as a chick when out in public makes me incredibly angry (and I'm not otherwise an aggro kind of dude). Logically I know that it's not their fault, they just don't know. But emotionally, when guys let me off the elevator before them (even when they're standing right up at the door and I'm standing in the back and "busying myself" by texting so that they hopefully just go), or when the women at work talk about girly stuff in front of me that they'd never discuss in front of our other male coworkers, and especially when guys change their tone of voice in the first few seconds of talking to me after they "realize"... those things all send me into a Yosemite-Sam-type temper tantrum. Of course, it's all bottled up inside, and on the outside the worst I'll do is roll my eyes or sigh (if I'm just not able to hold it all in), but on the inside I'm ripping heads off and defecating into hollowed skulls.... o.0  It really is that bad. :(

Also, because of that social aspect, my voice is probably my single most sore spot when it comes to things that I NEED to change RIGHT NOW. Although, I know I have to wait for T for other reasons, and I haven't been able to convince myself to try and train my voice lower, because (for me) it feels like deception and another layer of artifice that I just can't carry around on top of the rest (although I totally respect the choice of others to train their voice, and I wish I could emotionally bring myself to do it).

Physically, I hate red death with the fire of a thousand suns. The only time these days that I actually have images of harming my body is when that "gift" shows up. I quite clearly picture myself sticking a blade in my abdomen to kill the anomaly living within. I don't obviously, and I'm not actually in danger of doing so, it's just a mental image that flashes in my head, and then I go back to just grumpily "accepting" that it's back, AGAIN.  :embarrassed:

As for my body parts (as opposed to functions), I feel like I "miss" my penis (although I've never actually had one obviously). It's weird, it's as if my body feels like one is supposed to be there, and I have that "phantom limb" sensation that amputees report. It's not like "oh, I'd like to have *a* penis" it's like "I miss *my* penis, and I want it back". Again, kind of weird I guess since I've never actually had one, but such is life hey?

I don't particularly care for my moobs, and I feel so much more comfortable when they're bound as tightly and securely as possible, but that being said, I don't tend to "hate" them or get mad at their existence. It's just like "it'll be nice once these are gone and I don't have to bind to have my chest feel like my own" but it's not a wormhole to rage and insanity like the social aspects, the voice, and red death are.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on March 01, 2010, 03:32:03 PM
As for my body parts (as opposed to functions), I feel like I "miss" my penis (although I've never actually had one obviously). It's weird, it's as if my body feels like one is supposed to be there, and I have that "phantom limb" sensation that amputees report. It's not like "oh, I'd like to have *a* penis" it's like "I miss *my* penis, and I want it back".

^Exactly this. I thought I was just a bit nuts for that. :o Glad to know I'm not the only one. It's sort of weird, like one of those things that you shouldn't know but yet you do.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on March 01, 2010, 03:32:03 PM
I don't particularly care for my moobs, and I feel so much more comfortable when they're bound as tightly and securely as possible, but that being said, I don't tend to "hate" them or get mad at their existence.

Personally, the moobs usually just make me feel... rather obese when not bound. Which just tends to lead to all sorts of other body image issues. :laugh: ...Sometimes I wish I could just snip them off myself, but I know that wouldn't actually work too well.

But aside from those two things, I'm usually pretty okay with my current state, content to be transitioning. Usually. ...Then there are the times when for no singular reason (too much time spent being called 'she', feeling like I'll never pass, etc) my dysphoria bubbles up and I feel like curling up in a corner and staying there for a week or two. >:(

All in all? Curse you, dysphoria. 'Nuff said.

Sometimes I get really jealous of bio-guys.  They'll just sail through life without any worry of passing or any doubt that they're men and they were just born that way.  And here I am working so hard and still not passing.  I get really mad that they have a beard and a flat chest and an angular chin and I don't.  I feel like a real jerk sometimes for being mad at these guys who didn't do anything wrong, so then I feel mad at my mental self for being such a jerk as well as my physical self for being too feminine.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on March 01, 2010, 03:32:03 PMBut emotionally, when guys let me off the elevator before them (even when they're standing right up at the door and I'm standing in the back and "busying myself" by texting so that they hopefully just go), or when the women at work talk about girly stuff in front of me that they'd never discuss in front of our other male coworkers...

This.
I've pretty much always told a man to go ahead in front of me and they don't have to hold the door for me. I know they were just being polite but mentally to me it seemed weird for a guy to hold the door open for another guy to walk in first. Well, at least it shows there are some people out there with manners. :-\

Devin87, I agree with you 325%

Yeah, I've developed the habit of sort of racing to get to the door first, so I can hold it for them. Which is probably also weird, but better weird than humiliating.

I had a really tough time tonight.  I just got back from karate class.  The class is seven guys and me and they all know me as a girl and me being a girl constantly gets brought up.  Like 20 times a class.  I think they're obsessed with it because the class was all male for so long and then I joined.  I get guys afraid to hit me as hard as they would a man and one guy was afraid to work with me for the longest time because "what if I miss and hit her in the boob?".  And the teacher modifies everything for me to "girl defense" so while the other guys are practicing defending against punches to the face, I learn grab defenses because a girl is more likely to get grabbed than get into a fist fight.  I don't hold back with them, though, and I think they're finally starting to realize that and so they're getting rougher with me.  But it's discouraging when I'm in a room full of guys sweating and fist fighting and doing guy stuff and I'm constantly seperated out as "the girl" right when I most feel like I'm in a place I belong.  But it's the best class in the area, so I'm determined to stick with it.

Quote from: Jeatyn on March 01, 2010, 03:29:38 AM
Depending on my mood it can be something as simple as a bus driver or something referring to me as "love" instead of "mate" - meaning I got read - that can send me into a spiral of dysphoria related depression.

I indentify as androgyne so I don't get dysphoria quite as bad as you guys, but nevertheless I DO get it, and as Jeatyn said it can be the smallest thing that just sets it off. I also employ the not-looking-in-the-mirror tactic because that almost definitely will set it off! I can be fine one minute, and the next be totally aware that my body feels wrong and/or that people are interacting with me as if I was female. Or I can coast through the day feeling fine, being able to cope and once I'm alone it just hits me and I quietly rage at myself. (Of course for me, this also goes the other way with days I'm happy to be perceived as female... you can't win!)
And for some reason where I'm living right now has waaay too many 'ladies-first' types, which irritates the hell out of me.  >:(

Devin - have you been straight with the instructor and explained that you don't want to be singled out and you want to learn the same stuff as the guys in the class? That wouldn't out you, or even cause any suspicion - a lot of girls hate that "singled out" feeling, it's part of what makes cis-women feel unwelcome in male-dominated environments, but men often don't realize it. They seem to think girls like/want the attention and the "special" treatment. But if you're direct with them and explain it like a guy, they'll often understand.

Quote from: kyril on March 02, 2010, 08:28:40 AM
Yeah, I've developed the habit of sort of racing to get to the door first, so I can hold it for them. Which is probably also weird, but better weird than humiliating.

Where I am, we do it for everyone. It gets amusing when everyone is eager to hold the door open.

Quote from: kyril on March 03, 2010, 06:06:34 AM
Devin - have you been straight with the instructor and explained that you don't want to be singled out and you want to learn the same stuff as the guys in the class? That wouldn't out you, or even cause any suspicion - a lot of girls hate that "singled out" feeling, it's part of what makes cis-women feel unwelcome in male-dominated environments, but men often don't realize it. They seem to think girls like/want the attention and the "special" treatment. But if you're direct with them and explain it like a guy, they'll often understand.

Indeed, I have taken several physics classes in which I was the only girl, and after the first couple times hearing "Lady and gentlemen" got really old.

Quote from: dtt47 on March 03, 2010, 06:54:59 PM
Indeed, I have taken several physics classes in which I was the only girl, and after the first couple times hearing "Lady and gentlemen" got really old.

Yes, or "Gentlemen." (pause, look directly at me, smile like an idiot) "And lady!"

Quote from: kyril on March 03, 2010, 07:05:52 PM
Yes, or "Gentlemen." (pause, look directly at me, smile like an idiot) "And lady!"

:eusa_doh:

Yes, these kinds of things frustrate me too. I tend to end up in these mostly male classes.

Quote from: Nygeel on March 01, 2010, 03:17:54 AM
I've been out of a job for 2 months. Since I'm getting unemployment enough to maintain my life I can just stay at home all day every day.

Your situation sounds similar to mine, except that I have spent the last couple of months focusing on finding a new place to live, combing through piles and piles of accumulated crap, and actually moving. Now it's back to job-hunting for serious...except I'm so washed out by all that's happened that I can't seem to do much. Grr.

I still have a ton of body dysphoria, but at least I don't have to worry about my top half. No, I get hung up on the bottom half. And that surgery won't happen unless I find good employment. So I guess I'd better get my butt in gear.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

How close are you to getting top surgery? (I hope I haven't already asked this...)

Quote from: Arch on March 04, 2010, 03:00:43 AM

How close are you to getting top surgery? (I hope I haven't already asked this...)

I am nowhere near getting top surgery and haven't started testosterone. I've been living as close to full time as possible for about 3 years. Now I'm trying to find a job as myself in an area where we do not have any sort of protection against job discrimination based on gender identity/expression.

When I was originally planning top surgery I was dating somebody that lived a block away from a surgeon that does top surgery, but we're not really speaking any more.

Quote from: Devin87 on March 02, 2010, 06:26:25 AM
Sometimes I get really jealous of bio-guys.  They'll just sail through life without any worry of passing or any doubt that they're men and they were just born that way. 

Being brought up male from birth has its disadvantages, but I know where you're coming from here. Went to my men's group the other night and was so angry and resentful at all of them that I couldn't hang out with them afterward. Nobody has obviously read me as female in months and months, and in this group I was accepted as male on the very first meeting I went to. But still this anger wells up inside me and I don't know what to do with it. Then I go to a trans support meeting and get angry there, for one thing or another.

I never used to let myself feel all of this, especially the anger. Now I feel as if it's taking over sometimes.

---

Post Merge: March 04, 2010, 01:06:06 PM

---

Quote from: Nygeel on March 04, 2010, 03:19:10 AM
I am nowhere near getting top surgery and haven't started testosterone.

Sorry, man. Just don't crawl too deep inside yourself. It's a hard place to crawl out of.

Quote from: Arch on March 04, 2010, 01:02:12 PM
Sorry, man. Just don't crawl too deep inside yourself. It's a hard place to crawl out of.

Yea, I've been running errands and going out to eat every now and then. Tomorrow I've got a date. That should be interesting.

Quote from: Nygeel on March 04, 2010, 01:28:27 PM
Yea, I've been running errands and going out to eat every now and then. Tomorrow I've got a date. That should be interesting.

Good boy. Try to do something productive almost every day, and get out of the house a few times a week. At least, that helps me.

Quote from: kyril on March 03, 2010, 06:06:34 AM
Devin - have you been straight with the instructor and explained that you don't want to be singled out and you want to learn the same stuff as the guys in the class? That wouldn't out you, or even cause any suspicion - a lot of girls hate that "singled out" feeling, it's part of what makes cis-women feel unwelcome in male-dominated environments, but men often don't realize it. They seem to think girls like/want the attention and the "special" treatment. But if you're direct with them and explain it like a guy, they'll often understand.

I haven't talked to him.  He's the kind of guy who pretty much picks something about everyone and constantly drives it in.  For one guy he mentions 10 times a class how sharp his bones are.  Another guy he mentions how short he is.  Another guy it's the fact that he's a brown belt and brown belts are the best to pick on.  He also constantly brings up how old he himself is.  It's sort of his personality to do stuff like that, as annoying as it is.  I am going to mention it to him, though, especially because the other guys in the class are treating me differently because of it.

---

Post Merge: March 09, 2010, 10:02:57 AM

---

Uggh.  I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork for stuff today and almost every sheet asked me my gender and I hated having to write that "F" on there again and again.