Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Where to start? I am 24 and I have been struggling with my gender my entire life. I really haven't been open with anyone over this, it is easy enough to hide since i am biologically male and I am not interested in men romantically. In fact that very fact I used as a sort of justification that I couldn't be transgendered for many years however, I realize now that no amount of thinking, justification, or trying to be someone else can really change who I am. Well, that and gender identity and sexual orientation are not directly related.

It is difficult for me to write this, I am not terribly accustomed to telling personal details of myself especially of this nature. I never felt safe talking with my family, since a very young age. I had become very accustomed to being someone different inside than outside, my family situation pretty much required this as a coping strategy even had I not felt gender incongruent.

I had become very good at this, or so I had thought...over these past few years, it has become increasingly difficult to not be who I feel I am. I had thought, perhaps foolishly that I could appease myself by growing long hair, painting my fingernails, wearing eyeliner (all acceptable in the gothic subculture that I belong for either gender) but, I am getting the feeling that being like this is not something I can just "appease".

I haven't really done much with telling people, not my wife, brother, or really anyone knows. I get the feeling like full disclosure would make life easier, but that feeling has to fight against my immense fear of "letting go" of the facade that has protected me for so long... It also remains to be seen exactly how far I need to go before I can feel comfortable with myself, but I fear it is far further than those around me would accept...

So I am here for the long term, any advice or criticism is welcome, I am not afraid of candid opinions, I am here to share and learn, not just to validate my own feelings.

Welcome to Susan's, Hikari.  :icon_flower:

There's a lot of good information and good people here.  Each of our stories is unique but we have a lot in common.  Settle in, pull up a keyboard, and explore.

Be sure to look under the Announcements heading.  There you will find the rules we live by in this little world of ours: "Site Terms of Service and Rules to Live By", "Standard Terms and Definitions", and "Post Ranks".  Look through the other stuff there, too.

Much of your story is similar to mine.  It is very hard to reveal a part of yourself that you have kept hidden all of your life.  And it is such an essential part that it can be very scary.  Many (most?) of us here have been through that.

I did many things to try to moderate my need to be myself.  Sometimes I was successful for a while.  And the coping mechanisms that worked for a while will stop working - or that is my experience.

Look around here.  Read others' experiences.  Jump in and contribute.  And think seriously about talking to a therapist to help you work this out.  Many will swear by a gender specialist, but I had wonderful luck with general psychologists.  And that's what I wish you: wonderful luck. :)

Happy exploring. :icon_wave:

- Kate

Hi Hikari  :)

Welcome too Susan's

I hope you can find the friends and answers you are looking for

Hi Hikari, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 4200 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:

And here are some links to that which Kate referred to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Hello Hikari,
I think you may find your experiences are the same as many of us from all around the world. I think eventually it comes to a point when life is just too intolerable pretending to be someone you are not. Sadly many of us have tried so many different ways to 'be the man' only to realise it is not possible.

So as the other girls have said have a good read around. Ask questions, we are an open and friendly group, and guess what? You are no longer alone. We understand.

Hugs
Cindy

Thank you all for your kind responses. There does seem to be alot of myself that I see reflected back in the posts here, it is nice to realise that it isn't only me who has had these feelings. I am amazed at how supportive this community is. Once again thank you all.