Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This weekend has brought me several new difficulties to consider.

Oh well, it is what it is and I'll just make the best of it.

Thanks,
Randi

While this forum offers great help for folks in the process of bring out their inner selves, it's a fact of life that the needs of others in our lives often outweigh our own. I've been through such periods with both my parents. You may have to progress personally a lot slower than you would otherwise, but try keep things in perspective. Your father probably needs you now more than he's ever needed you before. You will have more time for yourself later. Hang in there.

Lyric

Thanks Lyric,

After seeing what all I will need to do, it may not be quite as difficult as I had feared. I am one of those who burn the candles at both ends-I have to stay busy doing something constructive. I currently have two music projects going and have yet to decide which one will be put back on the list of things to do because there just isn't enought time in my days to get it all done.  Yes I must agree that things will move slower than they have been of late.

My father and I have always had a 'difficult' relationship and time has not made it any easier. If my initial post may have sounded 'crass or selfish' it was and I apologize for it. I just needed to vent to get my head right so I could decide what to do next.

I noticed my mother looking at my chest in a quizzical kind of way but she made no comment. I am very close to her and we are like two peas in a pod. If nothing else I can take this for confirmation that I am indeed changing.

I posted in the non-op section because I am uncertain that I will get to finish what I have started.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on March 11, 2010, 02:18:52 PM
....I posted in the non-op section because I am uncertain that I will get to finish what I have started.

Randi

Just to let you know that there are a number of us in this section too Randi...

I still find it amazing how I don't get asked more questions about the bulges in my shirt or my overall bodyshape...

I suppose we just keep hoping that if we keep progress really slow that when the time comes we will get a more postive response from those we love........

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Hello Chrissty! I get sick at my stomach when I think about giving up completely but it is one possible outcome-although not very likely in the long term. I love how I am changing and don't want to ever go back to the way I was before. My wife has said that if changes are gradual and slow to happen she might be ok with it-but we all know how fickle people really are-especially when it comes to matters of gender. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. In the beginning it scared me when someone looked at my chest. Now it doesn't bother me at all-but since coming to truly know about myself I have successfully confronted fears on several fronts and am getting more and more confident in my presentation-or lack thereof. And I also know that there will be days that I will revisit my reasons to continue from time to time. Yes, further progress will probably be slow.

Bye for now,
Randi

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Post Merge: March 18, 2010, 04:04:12 PM

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well i can only hope for the best for you
if it was me , i wouldn't quit if i already started . i mean to me ,it's either everything i can get done , or nothing at all , because it's meaningless to me to just stand in the middle of things
but i'm not married , and my family will never accept it ,and i'll have to totally leave the country to start my journey . so the difficulties with me is different than yours but i think you should go all the way too , your parents will eventually come to terms of acceptance because they love you unconditionally , and your wife , well you know her better than anyone , and i never been married so i don't know what would her reaction be if you go all the way . if i were you , i would consider her in my plans if she is willing to live with the me and if she really try hard to meet me halfway i would too

anyway , i'm sure everything will workout eventually , good luck and have patience

Hi Lia, Thanks for your comments. I find that when I have difficulties I am paying too much attention to myself and what I want. Things will work out fine if I can keep from getting upset over things that bug me. It's the little things that get me nowadays-not the large scale problems-I am able to compartmentalize them but it's the seemingly insignifigant & unforseen details that trip me up. I am much more emotional than I was before estrogen so needless to say I cry more than before but am getting better at not worrying about things in general. When I stay busy I can cope much easier so it's a good thing I don't have much down time right now. Lately I have been dealing with feeling all alone (not unusual around here) but I don't have a choice but to make it work for me somehow. Yes I see now all too well that this is at times difficult-possibly the most difficult thing I will ever do.

Randi

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.  Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."



-Albert Schweitzer

Quote from: Randi on March 17, 2010, 05:50:16 PM
Hello Chrissty! I get sick at my stomach when I think about giving up completely but it is one possible outcome-although not very likely in the long term. I love how I am changing and don't want to ever go back to the way I was before.

My wife has said that if changes are gradual and slow to happen she might be ok with it-but we all know how fickle people really are-especially when it comes to matters of gender. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt for now. In the beginning it scared me when someone looked at my chest. Now it doesn't bother me at all-but since coming to truly know about myself I have successfully confronted fears on several fronts and am getting more and more confident in my presentation-or lack thereof.

...And I also know that there will be days that I will revisit my reasons to continue from time to time. Yes, further progress will probably be slow.

Bye for now,

Randi

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Post Merge: March 18, 2010, 04:04:12 PM

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..Hi Randi...

...sometimes it takes time to reply... not because we don't want to ...but because we simply don't know how.......

..this is a constant learning process.....

..at least you have been able to enter a dialogue with your wife over this...I'm still stuck after the last foray into the feelings that haunted me a few years back, which ended in a commitment to my growing family above my needs.....

...but when we think we want to stop, have you noticed that it is half-hearted sham in comparison to the thoughts of finding an acceptable way to continue on our path?....

..gosh these feelings run so deep I'm beginning to believe they can overpower reality...

..I started therapy over a year ago looking to fight a demon in my head, but every turn says I'm wrong and the demon is right... if I ever let the thoughts of others rule my life, then slowly but surely, the people who know me as Chrissty are expressing increasing surprise at my reluctance to transition whatever the cost...including my therapist....

..Randi...I realise this still doesn't help your situation, but again I hope you main find some comfort in not being alone... :icon_flower:

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Hi Chrissty, I just want to give you a big hug. For the past few weeks I have had times when I feel all alone and afraid. When noone replied to my posts I really felt alone and retreated into my shell and I have spent quality time crying-something I have never done (I like to think I am better for it). But I trudge slowly forward and I cope somehow. I always appreciate your posts-you are very sweet and I thank God for you. Your words help more than you know.

My wife and I are getting along much better of late. She goes out of her way to make me comfortable and worries about my depression and makes it plain that she really is sincere about helping me thru it. I have been greatly blessed and now I can see it. In spite of my gender issues I have a wonderful life. I can do this and stay relatively sane through the process.

Bye for now,
Randi

If you ever need to talk about something, or feel alone, just drop me a pm. :icon_flower:

I will rarely be away from Susan's for more than a couple of days at a time, I just don't always get time to post on the forum these days...

Your wife sounds wonderful..I worry that my wife will not be allowed by her family to be supportive, even if she wanted to (they just live too close to us for comfort)....

*Hugs* :icon_hug:

Chrissty

Thanks Chrissty, I will get in touch. A friend is something I haven't had in a few years and I feel I have found one in you in spite of being on opposite sides of a rather large pool of water. I am very sorry that your wife can't support you in this. Feel free to get in touch with me if you want or need to.

One thing that is helping me is I have started playing music in a band again so I have something to help keep me busy and not dwelling on things I can't easily change. Like I said earlier I have a good life and it could be so much worse than it is so I am thankful.

Randi :)

Quote from: Randi on April 16, 2010, 12:20:47 PM
One thing that is helping me is I have started playing music in a band again so I have something to help keep me busy and not dwelling on things I can't easily change. Like I said earlier I have a good life and it could be so much worse than it is so I am thankful.

Randi :)

Hey thats great... I'm a sound/lighting engineer, roadie, and DJ, nothing as grand as Tekla, but I have some talent for making smaller gear work surprisingly well....  :D

..I guess I've achieved a reasonably good life too...I just don't understand why I feel so depressed...unless its the fact that I keep denying myself a future...? :-\

What sort of music do you like to play? ::)

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

This project is Christian Rock or some people might call it 'contemporary' music. The basic sound is akin to Switchfoot or Kutless. It's definately guitar rock and roll!
At one time or another I have played everything from Willie Nelson to Weather Report(one of my heroes was Jaco Pastorius) to Lynyrd Skynyrd to Emerson, Lake, & Palmer(again Greg Lake-big influence on my playing & singing down thru the years).
I along with several of my friends was taught sound engineering & reinforcement by _ _ who now works FOH for (it doesn't matter anyway). 

I hope to have some audio clips up on the facebook page soon. I will send you a link when I get them done.

Later,
Randi 8)

Hi randi ive been following your posts since you joined im sorry if i havnt responded as well i kind of scan the new posts section grabbing a few as i go to respond to. i would like to second chrissy in saying if you wanna talk feel free to pm me as well many hugs sister
p.s. im happy things with your wife are still going well
jessica

Thanks Jesse, that means alot to me. My relationship with my wife is good right now but I do not present as female with her-she can't take it and I respect her feelings. So I learn and study and in general try not to stress over what I can't change. I have plenty to keep me occupied so I don't think about my GI all the time. I will be changing my meds soon so hopefully that will help some as well.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on April 17, 2010, 08:15:15 AM
Thanks Jesse, that means alot to me. My relationship with my wife is good right now but I do not present as female with her-she can't take it and I respect her feelings. So I learn and study and in general try not to stress over what I can't change. I have plenty to keep me occupied so I don't think about my GI all the time. I will be changing my meds soon so hopefully that will help some as well.

Randi

I really don't mind if you choose to answer this or not, so please don't take this the wrong way...... ;)

...but has your wife seen you presenting female? ::)

..and did that cause her to ask you not to, or is it a just a discomfort thing for her? ::)

I'm asking because my current situation is very much geared to a complicated version of this problem.... :-\

...Oh and Hi Jesse.. :icon_wave:

*hugs* :icon_hug:

Chrissty

Chrissty, You can ask me anything you want to and no I don't take offense to you asking. YES and she totally freaked out! It was not at all pretty for a long while after that happened so I do not provoke another episode of fear & retalliation. We had several discussions that ended with my going online and looking for a place to go. Now she lets me have more privacy in my attic studio and calls on the phone if she needs anything so I can be by myself for a while and dress as female-yes she knows and does not like it but knows it helps keep me stable. But we have always been able to talk our differences out after we calm down and defer any decisions till we have calmed down as we both have much more (financially) to loose apart than we will together and we have a teenage son who needs us both-especially now.

At the end of the day she sees that we both still love each other and neither wants to be with anyone else so love wins at the end of the day. All I can say is for now it is enough for us to know that we can count on each other to be there when things are difficult. She does not want to be with a woman but she is realistic and cares about what I go through-and she knows that at times I struggle to maintain a cheerful face. And she now knows why I keep busy so much of the day. I hope you are able to have this kind of discussion with your wife soon.  Ours is not a long range solution but a short term fix so that we can be civil with each other and still express love for each other-and protect both individuals identity in the process. This is so complicated-but we can make something good come out of all this anguish we are forced to endure-and our loved ones along with us.

Hope this helps!
Love,
Randi

....Hmm...It seems our situations may be more similar than I first thought..

I'll tell you why on a pm.... it's too risky for me to let you know why on open furum..sorry folks.. ;)

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

As you say Randi...

..we keep ourselves busy and live our lives on a day to day basis...rather like following a compass heading, not sure of what we will encounter along the way...... but occasionally we do get a short break...a "doldrum" so to speak...when we get the chance to think straight again, and have a brief chance to more rationally examine where we are at....

I had such a moment yesterday, not because I had nothing to do, but more because I had finally got around to doing a simple repetitive job in the garden that I have been putting off for the last couple of years...

It wasn't a revelation, but more a realisation of how I'm coping with "not transitioning" or taking HRT..and the answer is I'm not...

Whichever way I look at  it, I am in a form of transition, I deny myself HRT, but the subconscious mind is amazing in the diverse and creative ways it compels us to follow our course. I think simply boils down to a matter of time.. once we know what our "problem" is, we start to fight to stop our femininity coming to the surface, but each time we fight it, we are in fact consciously confirming it's existence...and slowly but surely over time the unacceptable becomes more acceptable, until it becomes normal...

I simply cannot start formal HRT because my breasts are large enough as it is, but I'm finding that maybe I'm not hiding them as much as I used to... the empty side of the bathroom shelf is slowly filling up with face creams, scrubs, and vitamins... I have a naturally higher pitched voice that I used to hold low but I keep forgetting"...even my movements are subtly changing...

So I now realise what my subconscious is planning, in that I for now I need to "evolve" as opposed to the classical concept of "transition", it wants me to find ways of letting just enough of my feminine side out, such that my loved ones grow accustomed to it being a part of me, while I continue to try to sort out some kind of wild financial and life plan to soften the blow when that "little talk" is finally unavoidable...

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

chrissty
hi just remember what happened to me when i started Hrt i couldnt stop it as much as i tried i couldnt even throw make-up out of damn car. i believe there is a threshhold that once crossed becomes a fast slide down the rabbit hole. i got fried and lost my marriage because of not being able to curtail it an allow the family a chance to adapt in spite of your warnings to me to tread softly. i think its not a matter that some people have a stronger will power i think its just that you have a higher resistance threshold then say someone else does but eventually you hit that threshold and it all comes crashing down at once and before you know it your half transitioned
jessica

Chrissty-I too relate to evolving but I am taking hormones again so change is inevitable and welcomed. You spoke of being in the  'doldrums' wherein you can think straight. I really didn't get to a point to where I could think properly until I was able to use Estrogen and see how it calmed me down-What A Difference! It is when my levels of Testosterone:Estrogen start to go up again that I have problems. Now my wife knows this and the knowledge seems to be helping her to adjust to the idea of my using E.

The rest of my family-well this is another story. I have no immediate plans to let them know anything about it. If they want to know me they will need to come to my home and get to know me. I have a younger sister who recently has taken a renewed interest in spending time with me and our other siblings. I have not come right out and told her the truth but have given her little hints and bits of information that she might be able to eventually put together and come up with the correct answer. One night she commented about the size of my nips and how easily they can be seen. And I have noticed that her gaze will sometimes linger on my chest like she is wondering about it-hmmm. Based upon how she acts toward me now I might consider telling her if she asks me. I am closer to her than any other member of my family.

I admire you Chrissty for having the discipline to not use E even though you would love to and looking at how this will effect your spouse and family first-That's Great. If only everyone could use this type of consideration for others the world would be a much better place.

Jesse-I am sorry that you lost your marriage thru this process. Chrissty and I (and others here) are struggling with this now and hopefully we can keep our relationships strong. Yes I agree- Chrissty is a very strong person and I am most thankful for her (& your) friendship.

Bye for now,
Randi

hi randi the marriage loss is ok with me if it couldnt survive this then what else might have happened that it wouldnt have survived ? life throws curve balls at all of us and doging them is one option hitting a home run is anouther? my concern for both of you is simply and echo of what chrissty tried to tell me almost a year ago. change that happens to fast can get out of control. The only person that can decide at what pace to proceed is yourselfs. I think chrissty is nearing her threshold for change and im just concerned that she will go over it before shes ready and i dont want to see her hurt. you either for that matter. As for me i had to go over because i was past it before i even joined susans. when your crying in your car because you cant throw out makeup because it is a backwards step its time to finish it. which is what im doing. i feel that Chrissty and yourselfs are seaking the perfect time to finish but im not sure if their is such a thing their is just the time when what has been can no longer be and what must be will be
jessica

Hi Randi, Chrissty and Jesse
I have decided to face it and headed to the non op threads.  I would like to thank you all for this thread has been of great help.
I guess i am in a similar situation but my SO is maybe more accepting.  But if we follow the path we are on together then full transition will not happen.  I am ok with that right now and other things in my life are more important then the GI, which we are dealing with together.
Anyway, thanks again, it helps to know that others have been in similar situations.

Hugs
Shelly

Hi Shelly,

I am glad our situations and how we deal with them could be of help to someone else. My wife has good 'moments' then it's back to her being shall we say 'difficult' to be in the same room with. I don't blame her for the way she feels-she has every right to want what she wants too. It doesn't make for smooth sailing in the relationship. On the other side of that coin-well, here I am. I am taking HRT so I can be stable mentally-without it I am a basket case and can't concentrate. I wonder sometimes how far I will get to go with it hence my posting in the non op section. I remain hopeful that I can transition openly someday but for now I will carry on as I have. You are correct that some things are more important than what we want to do at any given moment-if we can still maintain a measure of control over our impulses to act. With this I have good days and bad ones too.

PM me if you want to talk privately.

Later,
Randi 8)

shelly you have to do whats right for you whatever path you chose i hope it brings you some measure of peace
jessica

I know I will ruffle some feathers with this post but here goes anyway. When I first came here I was a mess mentally-with no direction that showed a positive pathway to follow. I have learned much by reading the posts of others and am grateful for this. I also hoped to find some friends and for a while I thought I had. I have found that friends here are more difficult to find than in the general populations anywhere. Out of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts. I am most grateful to these who do respond and hope to stay in touch in the future. I have reached a point in my life where I am not so needy as i was before and am stable most of the time. If I don't think about my own problems so much they do not get me down to where I need help just to cope.

I am not going to be here as much as I have previously so I can reassess my role in society and life in general. I would transition if things were different but at the present I cannot and do not see having the amount of money necessary or privacy at my disposal. We have to eat, pay for a place to live and all the expense that goes with that. Reality dictates what I do next and I have to break things down in order to find what is real and just a dream.

Goodbye for now,
randi

Hello Randi,

I am new to the forum, but I saw your latest post and thought that I would at least let you know that I read it and am sorry to see you go.   I don't know you and just a little about your situation from what I read of your posts.  I was married for sixteen years to a woman who could not see all of me and our marriage could not stand the strain.  It is a most difficult situation and I feel your pain a bit.

I wish you health and happiness where ever life takes you!  I hope you find the support you need to be happy and fulfilled.  :)

Quote from: Randi on June 08, 2010, 10:33:12 AM
I am not going to be here as much as I have previously so I can reassess my role in society and life in general. I would transition if things were different but at the present I cannot and do not see having the amount of money necessary or privacy at my disposal. We have to eat, pay for a place to live and all the expense that goes with that. Reality dictates what I do next and I have to break things down in order to find what is real and just a dream.

Goodbye for now,
randi

Hi Randi,

Yeh....tell me about it...but then if we don't openly burn the ones we love,  we so often seem to be seen as fakers... :-\

Oh for the ability to come out and not worry about the future of those who depend on us...I just can't do it, and neither can you... ;)

We both know that our fate is just as sealed as any other girl here, but we have dependants (and the same goes for the others without partners who are looking after their mothers and family) ....and as long as we can fight this, we will... to give them the future we promised, as long as we are able... :icon_flower:

Just because we are not actively transitioning does not mean we are not part of the community, or making a difference...  ;)

There are days for me too, when coming to Susan's hurts a lot more than it helps...but that's just the way it is, and we get used to staying away for a while when we cannot take the stories of progress from others, or welcome the one liner comments on our lack of "progress". :-\

No we are still real people that matter and we have to do what we can to survive, I just hope my being away unexpectedly for a while, has not made matters worse for you Randi... :icon_bunch:

*Hugz* :icon_hug:

Chrissty   

QuoteOut of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts.

Hi Randi

I do hope you take care of yourself and wish all the best for you. I hope that you do come back from time to time and share what is going on with you.

I am sorry I do not respond more to you and to many others here. I read with great intrerst about your lifes and relate so much. I usually feel like I have nothing to offer by responding really as I am so messed up in my own head and in my own life around mostly the same issues.

I have apprecitated your posts very much.

I hope that you take care of yourself and wish you the best.

Quote from: Randi on June 08, 2010, 10:33:12 AM
Out of all the people who responded to my posts there are only three who now do so with any regularity and this hurts.

I'm sorry for what you are going thru randi. But there are a lot more people reading your threads than you think. Maybe some have nothing to respond with (?), but we are still here.

I hope the best for you, sister  :)

I am not anywhere near as far along the transition path as a lot of people  here seem to be, due to battling with my own demons, and perpetual poverty too, but have taken heart from what I have read here.
Hope things work out for you, and you can enjoy each day as it comes.

QuoteI'm sorry for what you are going thru randi. But there are a lot more people reading your threads than you think. Maybe some have nothing to respond with (?), but we are still here.

I'll momentarily step out of the shadows to second this. Your posts and others like it in the Non-Op section have been like little lights flickering dimly in the fog that surrounds me. The fog is still there, but it's just a little easier to see where I'm going because of posts like yours. I'm just not in a spot personally right now where I feel I have much to offer in the way of replies to threads I read here. Kinda selfish, I know. But one day I will pay the Universe back for all I have taken. Best of luck to you, and thanks for the light.

Ella

Thanks everybody-it's good to know I'm not completely alone to deal with this. I'm ok but still have moments when I struggle-doesn't everybody?

Hi everybody, It has been about three months since I came here-seems like forever. Apparently some did not take my post well-for those in that group I humbly apologize. It has never been my intention to cause anyone pain or confusion-I live with enough of that on my own. At the advice of a good friend I stopped taking my meds for a while in order to slow down my chest growth for my wife's benefit. I have done that and am having the hot flashes that I knew would come. I also am struggling with dysphoria which has been very strong lately. So I am going to resume a reduced regimine of meds and exercise for my own stability. My relationship with my wife is still somewhat strained but is much better than it was-honesty really is the best policy I think. I am glad I told her what I am going thru-I should have done it much sooner. She is ok as long as she doesn't see me while dressed in clothes of my choosing-they are always female and I still resent having to wear male clothing. For now however, it is a unavoidable necessity.

I hope you all will be able to bear with me as I continue to sort thru this mess I call My Life. Thanks for all the wishes of comfort and support-I truly need and appreciate each one.
Randi

Congratulations for making another, what?, almost 4 months.  It's kind of like AA, one day at a time.  I have a wife who supports me totally and know the joy of having someone there for you.  I have a good job.  I have made a decision to not transition to maintain these.  Some do extremely well with transition and maintain everything.  Most do not.  For me, I can express myself enough to take the edge off while maintaining a social position.  Sometimes it is hard.  I read the posts of some who lost everything and feel sorry for an inequitable society.  That makes me work harder to just take what I can get and let the Devil take the hindmost!  I was also on anti-d's and found that they got me through tough times, but maybe I felt a little underwater.  Well, I'm prattling-on now, good luck on your mission.

Thanks Cindy! I do exist from one day to the next and at times my life is still an emotional roller coaster. I too have a good job and support at home even if it is moslty on her terms. If I were to divorce right now I would be destitute financially and I just can't do this. We came close to it a month and a half ago but are waiting to see how things go. There is much to loose for both of us were we to go thru with it and there are a few here at Susan's who have lost everything-so sad. I take one small step after another and try to be careful about what I do next so I don't end up alone and penniless-which is a very real possibility.
Randi

Quote from: Randi on September 29, 2010, 08:12:06 AM
Thanks Cindy! I do exist from one day to the next and at times my life is still an emotional roller coaster. I too have a good job and support at home even if it is moslty on her terms. If I were to divorce right now I would be destitute financially and I just can't do this. We came close to it a month and a half ago but are waiting to see how things go. There is much to loose for both of us were we to go thru with it and there are a few here at Susan's who have lost everything-so sad. I take one small step after another and try to be careful about what I do next so I don't end up alone and penniless-which is a very real possibility.
Randi

Hi Randi, the biggest problem with this condition is that we end up "surviving" one day at a time, but slowly loose sight of who we are, eventually loosing all hope of a "future". As you have shown the strength to stop "E", at least for now, then I suggest that you may try to take the opportunity to see if there are any other ways to gain a little more control over what controls you life.

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

     One thing I never do is to lose sight of who I am.  If Randi's dysphoria is coming back strongly, then neither is she!  Ah, the gift that keeps giving.  It seems that Randi is finding her way, adding back enough meds to satisfy her, while maintaining the status quo.  Everyone has their own limits.  It is easy for me, I have carte blanche around the house, wear what I want, take my prescription hormones, do girl chores, have a great relationship with my wife, and still work in very butch environment making decent money.  Being poor, I have been there, and I can tell you that, that will destroy your concept of self.  Whenever I have been poor, on the ropes, or wondering about the future, I go butch.  I find that posture and personae works best for getting ahead, and out of trouble.  My feminine side functions best when it is cushioned by the money under my mattress, and kind loving person sleeping next to me.  I hope Randi take the time to work it out.
     By the way Randi, do you do housework?  Find ways to pleasure you wife, other than standard guy stuff?  I massage her feet, give her pedicures, do housework etc.  Some women hate that, mine loves it and didn't mind the electrolysis bills, shrink bills, hormone bills, CLOTHING bills etc.  What I'm getting at is that I try to make sure that it isn't all about me, it has it's upside for her too.

I have waited for a while to reply to your post Cindy-I can see that you have been there. I have strived to be a person who does not let external factors control me or what I do. Having said that, my wife and our struggles have placed a great strain on me mentally hence the struggles. Yes I help with daily chores but pay more attention to property maintenence chores and things my wife can't do as I have always done. She doesn't want me doing her nails or watching her get ready to go out. She knows I am studying how to do it and it makes her insecure so I just don't go there anymore. She won't consider anything but taking my female clothes and giving them away if she finds them even knowing she can wear some of them. You're right-it is not all about me but I sincerely thank you for your concern.
Chrissty-what would I do without you as my friend! Thank you so much for your suggestions and posts.
Randi

Quote from: Randi on October 19, 2010, 07:29:19 PM
Chrissty-what would I do without you as my friend! Thank you so much for your suggestions and posts.
Randi

Hi hun.... ::)

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

Well, we still have times when we have a difficult conversation but everyone does so it's not really a big thing nowadays. We seem to have settled into a more or less 'normal' routine of small talk while avoiding the topics that get us into rough waters. That's not to say the subject of gender differences doesn't come up-we just don't dwell on it. We have also been watching quite a few 'chick flicks' on the television and have grown somewhat closer than we were a couple of months previously. It ain't perfect but it sure beats bickering and arguing all the time!
We might make a go of it after all.
Randi

Quote from: Randi on November 02, 2010, 06:11:50 PM
We might make a go of it after all.
Randi

I'm glad to hear things have settled down for now. ;)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can keep things in balance in the long term...  :icon_bunch:

:icon_hug:

Chrissty

@ Randi, Chrissty & Jesse:

Just wanted to say that I think all 3 of you are great people.  Because I'm a great deal older than all of you, I look and learn from your posts.  Otherwise, I stay out of the fray, because I'm from another generation ... another time.  For what it's worth, however, I find myself in much the same situation inasmuch as my wife and I are now economic roommates, sleeping in separate rooms but great friends nonetheless. 

In 2 weeks, I'm a whole year on HRT, and the changes have been more significant than I ever expected them to be.  My point is that I hate having harpooned our marriage with my transsexuality, so I''m reluctant to proceed on to ultimate GRS/SRS.  Honestly, I could never have that surgery and still be quite happy with my transition.  That's just me.  Some folks must go the distance to the surgery.

Many of us older folks admire you younger folks very much.  I know I do.  Thanks for this great thread and your awesome posts.  Everybody else on this thread is cool too.  Enjoyed it much.  Thanks!

Hi Lacey, Thanks so much for the kind words-it can be difficult trying to keep things together and sailing on an even keel. But we manage and haven't bitten each others heads off in a while now. At least now my wife knows what bothers me and seems determined to stay together so I am content to try as well. I still have days that I struggle but she knows the signs and gives me space and conversely I do the same for her.
FYI-I will turn 55 years of age this next June. I wish I felt young but most days the pain from old injuries and arthritis really gets me down. But I stay active inspite of it and enjoy my life-I keep telling myself it could always be worse! So I am thankful for every day and try to keep a positive attitude towards life in general-it truly is a precious gift. I think still playing my guitars and singing help in that I have interaction with folks younger than me and I can hang in there with them.
I wonder at times where all this GID will lead me. I probably won't ever be able to afford SRS and regular therapy takes a toll on the pocketbook as well. But like I said earlier I am content with where I am now. I havent heard from Jesse in a while and hope she is doing well in spite of all the crap she went thru a few weeks back. Chrissty is a dear! I only wish I were able to see some of ya'll sometime. I feel that here at Susan's I have friends who really do care what happens to me - something I had thought I would never have again. Yes, I think you are pretty cool too!

Randi  8)

Quote from: Randi on December 01, 2010, 02:35:18 PM
Hi Lacey, Thanks so much for the kind words.

FYI-I will turn 55 years of age this next June. I wish I felt young but most days the pain from old injuries and arthritis really gets me down. But I stay active inspite of it and enjoy my life-I keep telling myself it could always be worse! So I am thankful for every day and try to keep a positive attitude towards life in general-it truly is a precious gift.

I think still playing my guitars and singing help in that I have interaction with folks younger than me and I can hang in there with them.

I wonder at times where all this GID will lead me. I probably won't ever be able to afford SRS and regular therapy takes a toll on the pocketbook as well. But like I said earlier I am content with where I am now. I havent heard from Jesse in a while and hope she is doing well in spite of all the crap she went thru a few weeks back. Chrissty is a dear! I only wish I were able to see some of ya'll sometime. I feel that here at Susan's I have friends who really do care what happens to me - something I had thought I would never have again. Yes, I think you are pretty cool too!

Randi  8)

Well, fellow old-timer, you are GOING to turn 55, but I already have ... back in October.  Welcome to the club, girl.  Hey, we have a lot in common.  Likewise, I've often thought an in-person get-together with some folks from Susan's Place would be a great time. 

The thing is, you are absolutely right:  You really DO have friends.  We really DO care about you and what happens to you.  Friendship is what this world needs.  May we talk about that a little?

From this old-timer's perspective, our world is a sad sight, indeed.  People generally are valued as economic units.  Can you help somebody make money?  If so, you are valued.  If not, you are not.  It's just that simple.  An alien landing on this planet would think that the purpose of life to humans is to make money.

Money is a heuristic concept, a mental agreement, a mere concept.  Evermore, money is nothing more than pulses in an electronic circuit.  Money is the quantitization of human reward, human incentive, human trade.  Money is greed made manifest.

For brevity's sake and everybody's sanity, I shall cease and desist from my little ptolemic diatribe and impassioned inveil for now.  The point I'm making is:  IMHO, Planet Earth has cancer, allegorically-speaking, of course.  That cancer is the human economic system that quite literally is devouring our planet.  The human greed machine is committing "planeticide."

We older people have increasingly-exponential lowering value to our "society" as we age, because we are deemed irrelevent and unnecessary to it's money-making madness.  There IS a cure for this "cancer" which infests our planet.  The cure is:   S-H-A-R-I-N-G.  It is my sincere hope that amongst the young "Leading Lights" will arise to dismantle this money-making madness which is destroying everybody and everything and will insist that we, as a race, learn to share, care and love.  Once the human race can learn to do that, the hell that is this world can be magnificently transmogrified into heaven ... a beautiful place. 

Enough of this old-timer's invective and inveigh.

Don't be a stranger on here, okay girl?  Glad you're here.  We like you lots!  Rock on, sis!

;)   Lacey

I'll be 55 next year, and have been non-op for many years. Because of various circumstances, including making a meager living, full transition isn't likely at this time.

Z

Hi Zythyra, It's too bad so many of us must struggle with the lack of funds to help us deal with our struggles. Yet from my struggles I learn humility and to persevere- in some ways I consider myself better off for enduring these same struggles.

Lacey- I must agree that greed has made our world a troublesome environment but I am afraid that things will not get better before they get much worse. But we can make a difference even if in small ways and in localized areas. I myself will give aid to all who need it if I can and will provide support and friendship to those who do not have it-these small things I can do. So in my own way I am making things better not only for myself but for others around me.

Randi

Quote from: Zythyra on December 02, 2010, 02:19:58 PM
I'll be 55 next year, and have been non-op for many years. Because of various circumstances, including making a meager living, full transition isn't likely at this time.

Z

@ Zythyra:

You and me both, girl.  Exact same circumstances here ... exactly the same.  My thing is existential, also.  I could never bring myself to "chase after a buck."  THAT'S my biggest problem in life ... always has been since I started working as a teenager in 1969.  Even at age 15, I thought the entire basis upon which "The Economy" is based is absolutely insane:  Take, make, throw away (Kudos to David Icke whose phrase this is.).  Sell a product or service and pop everybody and anybody for all the money you can get out of them ... Mach 4 with your hair on fire ... achieve, achieve, achieve ... money, money, money ... get old, get sick, get dead.  Some life. 

Okay, so I'm a whacko.  Sorry, but I just never could put my priority on mongering after money.  If that makes me a loser, well then, yeah, I guess it does.   When I consider The System that adjudges me as a loser, I don't feel guilty at all.  Just rambling.  Sorry.  Yes, it WOULD be great to have the funds to transition and live rightly and well.  Got nobody to blame but myself for not having the cash, but I just couldn't bring myself to chase after it.  The very idea of doing so revolts me. 

@ Randi:

Randi, understood, girl, understood.  I hear you ... loud and clear.  Best wishes to you.  Hope your health improves or maintains and that you can enjoy your life as much as possible. 

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on December 02, 2010, 11:12:35 PM
@ Zythyra:

You and me both, girl.  Exact same circumstances here ... exactly the same.  My thing is existential, also.  I could never bring myself to "chase after a buck."

Lacey,

I've never cared about chasing the buck either. I don't need to buy the newest whatever material thing that is pushed down our collective consumer throat by advertisers. My lifelong career is as a musician, what's important to me is creating music and continuing to learn. Among my other passions are writing and trans activism, there certainly isn't any money in those. What can I do to make this world slightly better while I'm here? That's my journey.

Z

Quote from: Zythyra on December 03, 2010, 09:09:29 AM
Lacey,

I've never cared about chasing the buck either. I don't need to buy the newest whatever material thing that is pushed down our collective consumer throat by advertisers. My lifelong career is as a musician, what's important to me is creating music and continuing to learn. Among my other passions are writing and trans activism, there certainly isn't any money in those. What can I do to make this world slightly better while I'm here? That's my journey.

Z

@ Zythrya:

Spot-on, girl!  Wow, like, we think SOOO alike.  That is WONDERFUL that you are a musician.  To be a musician is my fondest wish.  Unfortunately, I just don't have the talent for it ... wish I did.  Did the next best thing when I was young ... was a DJ on the radio for about 20 years ... small-time stations, so I barely survived, but I was bringing joy and happiness to people doing something I loved.  I "threw away great career options" to do this. 

You said, "... making the world slightly better while I'm here.  That's my journey."

Yes!  Agree one-hundred percent.  The thing is that our would could, COULD, be just wonderful ... save for the law-of-the-jungle, winner-take-all, up-yours-gimme-mine economic system that has developed the world over.  That system is absolutely insane and ultimately evil. 

Mother Theresa, Mathatma Ghandi, Florence Nightengale, John Lennon, Jesus Christ, Gautama Buddha, Dr. Martin Luther King, etc.   ...   people like that ... are folks I can really admire.  Love, sharing, kindness ... ARE possible ... if only we CHOOSE to exercise them.  Somebody needs to get this across to our "leaders."  We all know that ain't gonna happen.  Sigh, ... what a world.

Bless you, Z!    ;)   Lacey

Hi Randi, Lacey, Z...

Just to let you all know I'm still around... ::)

I felt that I needed a break from Susan's, and was finding that I was repeating myself on a lot of posts, and that a lot of the friends I was corresponding with had moved on.... There are only so many ways you can say "no change" before it becomes boring... and to be honest even I was starting to think I had developed a fantasy online life that didn't exist..  ::)

So, I'm getting out and about a bit more these days, and I've been using the time to make friends in real life in the UK TG community.

Slowly, I'm working to explore the reality of who I am, and trying to piece together what I need to do now, and in the future... this is still going to take some time, and I'm in no rush.... so I'm still keeping the offer of HRT open, without progressing to script..

Amazingly, I continue to pass in the high street these days and my confidence for going out socially has increased significantly...so much so, I have agreed to DJ for the well known "Translondon" Support Group Christmas Party this year... my first ever public-female gig... ;)

Still I'm pleased you all seem well, particulary you Randi, as I know what a struggle this year has been for you..  :icon_bunch:

Hugz to all  :icon_hug:

xxChrissty

Quote from: Chrissty on December 14, 2010, 03:20:15 PM
Hi Randi, Lacey, Z...

Just to let you all know I'm still around... ::)

I felt that I needed a break from Susan's, and was finding that I was repeating myself on a lot of posts, and that a lot of the friends I was corresponding with had moved on.... There are only so many ways you can say "no change" before it becomes boring... and to be honest even I was starting to think I had developed a fantasy online life that didn't exist..  ::)

So, I'm getting out and about a bit more these days, and I've been using the time to make friends in real life in the UK TG community.

Slowly, I'm working to explore the reality of who I am, and trying to piece together what I need to do now, and in the future... this is still going to take some time, and I'm in no rush.... so I'm still keeping the offer of HRT open, without progressing to script..

Amazingly, I continue to pass in the high street these days and my confidence for going out socially has increased significantly...so much so, I have agreed to DJ for the well known "Translondon" Support Group Christmas Party this year... my first ever public-female gig... ;)

Still I'm pleased you all seem well, particulary you Randi, as I know what a struggle this year has been for you..  :icon_bunch:

Hugz to all  :icon_hug:

xxChrissty

@ Chrissty:

Girl, want to know something about yourself that you may find interesting? 

When I very first started lurking and then posting on Susan's Place, YOUR posts just happenstancially were the first ones I encountered that REALLY connected with me ... on a deep level.  Also, your pics revealed to me what was possible.  Yes, YOUR pics and posts really clicked with me in a big way ... and ultimately encouraged me not only to join this community but to go see a gender counselor and get started on my own transition journey.

This very day ... is my one-year anniversary of starting HRT.  This very day ... my new job offer is confirmed.  This very day ... God, The Goddess, The Force (... like, whatever! ...) granted my for-now real-world family and me a major miracle by way of friends right here on Susan's Place most unexpectedly (... and un-asked-for ...) most generously helping us when it is needed most but, way more importantly, also offering real concern and true affection (... MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more important to me ...)!  I cried more intensely than I ever have in my entire life with joy, gratitude and love upon receiving this news ... tears of JOY and of THAKNFULNESS.

This very day ... YOU write THIS post!

These coincidences are beyond amazing.  They're downright preternatural!  So, what am I really saying here?

Chrissty, I'm saying THANK YOU!  Perhaps without even knowing that you've done so, you have SO inspired me and SO encouraged me.  I am forever grateful to you.  Yeah, I know:  I sound all stupid and mushy.  True, but what a glorious day today has been, and discovering this post of yours now is this day's capstone.

Girl, I wish you every success and all happiness in your life.

It is wise to get on with your life in the real world.  I'll be doing that soon too.  Gotta keep some big promises I've just made to some wonderful people, and it will take much time and focused dedication in order for me to keep these promises, so I'll not be posting that much either for a while.  If you ever want to, PM me anytime.  If not, that's cool too.  Your choice. 

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

;)   Lacey Lynne

Hi Lacey,

Quote from: Lacey Lynne on December 14, 2010, 09:20:20 PM
@ Chrissty:

Girl, want to know something about yourself that you may find interesting? 

When I very first started lurking and then posting on Susan's Place, YOUR posts just happenstancially were the first ones I encountered that REALLY connected with me ... on a deep level.  Also, your pics revealed to me what was possible.  Yes, YOUR pics and posts really clicked with me in a big way ... and ultimately encouraged me not only to join this community but to go see a gender counselor and get started on my own transition journey.

This very day ... is my one-year anniversary of starting HRT.  This very day ... my new job offer is confirmed.  This very day ... God, The Goddess, The Force (... like, whatever! ...) granted my for-now real-world family and me a major miracle by way of friends right here on Susan's Place most unexpectedly (... and un-asked-for ...) most generously helping us when it is needed most but, way more importantly, also offering real concern and true affection (... MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more important to me ...)!  I cried more intensely than I ever have in my entire life with joy, gratitude and love upon receiving this news ... tears of JOY and of THAKNFULNESS.

This very day ... YOU write THIS post!

These coincidences are beyond amazing.  They're downright preternatural!  So, what am I really saying here?

Chrissty, I'm saying THANK YOU!  Perhaps without even knowing that you've done so, you have SO inspired me and SO encouraged me.  I am forever grateful to you.  Yeah, I know:  I sound all stupid and mushy.  True, but what a glorious day today has been, and discovering this post of yours now is this day's capstone.

Girl, I wish you every success and all happiness in your life.

It is wise to get on with your life in the real world.  I'll be doing that soon too.  Gotta keep some big promises I've just made to some wonderful people, and it will take much time and focused dedication in order for me to keep these promises, so I'll not be posting that much either for a while.  If you ever want to, PM me anytime.  If not, that's cool too.  Your choice. 

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

;)   Lacey Lynne

Oh dear... it seems I have a lot to live up to then....  ::)

... it sometimes seems that I'm the only one who is still questioning my life ... I mean, a lot of people here have said similar things to your kind words above, and it seems that people I now meet who know I'm trans IRL keep forgetting that I haven't started formal transition other than counselling..

Lacey, if my ramblings here have helped in some small way, then you are more than welcome... and I wish you many more "Happy Anniversaries" for the coming years.  ;)

My Very Best Wishes and Love to You for Christmas and The New Year!

Hugz :icon_hug:

Chrissty

Chrissty,

No you are not the only one who questions themselves-I do it every day. If I go ahead and transition my family suffers. If I choose not to I suffer-but not beyond my ability to tolerate it. While I must admit that my life is not what I want it to be, it could always be worse and I have to judge accurately whether I want to be responsible for the suffering of others whom I have sworn to protect. I have reached a point of being more androgenic than I was before and for now to a degree I am satisfied with it and my family is ok with it too-so it works. I am glad to hear things are going well for you. May you and yours have a very merry Christmas and New Year!

Lacey-she is a dear isn't she!

Randi

Quote from: Chrissty on December 15, 2010, 06:42:14 PM
... it sometimes seems that I'm the only one who is still questioning my life ...

You're not the only one! I'm constantly questioning and re-evaluating. If it becomes necessary to my well being to change paths, I will do it, but for now I continue as I have for some years.

:icon_hug:

Z

Hi Randi,

Quote from: Randi on December 16, 2010, 07:04:37 AM
Chrissty,

No you are not the only one who questions themselves-I do it every day. If I go ahead and transition my family suffers. If I choose not to I suffer-but not beyond my ability to tolerate it. While I must admit that my life is not what I want it to be, it could always be worse and I have to judge accurately whether I want to be responsible for the suffering of others whom I have sworn to protect. I have reached a point of being more androgenic than I was before and for now to a degree I am satisfied with it and my family is ok with it too-so it works. I am glad to hear things are going well for you. May you and yours have a very merry Christmas and New Year!

Lacey-she is a dear isn't she!

Randi

...sorry I wasn't sure how often you visit these days, but it's good to hear from you. :icon_bunch:

I agree with Z in that I really don't things ever stay the same as our perspectives and those of others continue to change with time.... So all we can do it stick with "what works" , "while it works", and make the best we can of life... but we always need to be prepared to adapt as new circumstances occur, or as needs change.... So we still seem to have a pretty similar set of life issues to deal with honey.. ;)

Quote from: Zythyra on December 16, 2010, 09:25:03 AM
You're not the only one! I'm constantly questioning and re-evaluating. If it becomes necessary to my well being to change paths, I will do it, but for now I continue as I have for some years.

:icon_hug:

Z

I realy wish I could achieve that much control in my life Z.... I have a long way to go before I feel I can make a concious decion to change.. ::)

...but we still love you just as you are, so no need to change for a while yet  :)

Seasonal Hugz to you both :icon_bunch:

Chrissty

For those of you that have been following this thread, I am relatively stable but have days that I just want to-oh hell sometimes I don't know what I want to do. It frustrates me to no end knowing that I might never get to finish my transition. At the present there is no social circle for me to retreat to.

The other day my wife-who has previously avoided confrontations-let me have it just out of the blue. Not a good time for relationship building! I know she too must be frustrated and at times will probably act out her frustrations-but damn. One night she said that she couldn't keep this up knowing I don't want to be a man. Oh just great-another cheerful dialogue. There are times that I think it is senseless to continue this farce of a relationship. Then I think of how it will effect others in the circle.

Needless to say-I am torn and struggling to maintain my composure-VENTING.
Rw

My wife woke me in the middle of the night last week, to say it was OK with her whether I identified as a boy or as a girl, because it was me she loved. So I sat down with her yesterday, and we read each posting in this thread together as her introduction to Susan's. Then she showed me the video of an interview, on one of the morning TV shows, of a woman whose husband left her saying he'd discovered he was gay. My wife identified with what the woman said about such things being damaging to a wife's self-image. And she wanted to be re-assured I did not plan to transition.

I am an active 70; she's 50; and we will have been married 23 years next month. I have 3 children and 3 grandchildren from another marriage, and we have one college-student daughter of our own. We have bonds of trust, openness, and shared goals/life outlooks that I've never had with another person. I'd never discussed my gender issues with another person, but did with her before we were married. I have never pretended to be macho, but have always presented as a male--willing to push gender boundaries.

We have worked out a number of lifestyle accommodations to our mutual satisfaction. I do the food shopping, cooking, and cleaning (though she does the bathrooms). We split the laundry and sewing. She is the breadwinner; my part-time job provides a very good healthcare package. When our daughter was younger, and my wife was away on business as many as 200 nights a year, I did a substantial share of the parenting. When we go out, we go in her car, and she drives. At restaurants, she orders and pays for our dinners, etc. My wife smiles when I wear certain of my clothes, for she knows it means I am feeling particularly "girly." These kinds of compromises get very little notice in the outside world, but let me be myself and somewhat sane.

Now, it is not that my dysphoria is greater or less than formerly, but there are opportunities to deal with it that never used to be accessible to me. Susan's is a big one. Gender therapy is another that I have begun to use. And low or intermittent levels of HRT may be in my near future. I think I can continue to present as a boundary-pushing male. I don't think I will need laser hair removal or surgeries: I may already be too old to be considered for SRS, anyway.

The women I knew over the years taught that life is about family, service (especially in the interests of peace and justice), and quiet sacrifice. I think I can follow their lead, and be happy along the way. I feel a common bond with those who have posted on this thread, and do hope we can keep it going as we search for answers in the coming months. It means so much to me, at least. May you and your families, each find peace, fulfillment, health, and happiness along your way.

S

Simone,
  You have gotten an early Valentine's present! congrats! There will be emotional changes with the HRT and should the therapist agrees on prescribing such, the word 'intermittent' should not be in the regimen! Hormonal fluctuations witn your T will cause prostate problems as with my younger brother is now experiencing. He is 20 years younger than you, yet too young to experience the andropause effects.  I had too much T excretions with mine and the HRT has relieved the visible symptoms I had.
  It doesn't matter with your age anyway if you take HRT or not. The external effects are usually less visible. I go for the emotional side as I am doing now.  Your wife is a real gem, keep her!
  Joelene.

Quote from: Joelene9 on February 14, 2011, 10:24:43 PM
Simone,
  ....
Your wife is a real gem, keep her!
  Joelene.

I totally agree. Thanks for the warning about prostate problems with intermittent E; I would like to keep my prostate happy and quiet. And it is the emotional effects of E that I seek, as you say.

S

Thanks everybody for posting and emailing-that meant a lot to me. I have been struggling lately and thought it best if I wasn't around others. I have been asked to play bass guitar in a band and that has given me something to focus on which has been a big help. I have accepted the invitation and will give it a few months to see if it can go further-practice sessions have been good.
Anyway, I am getting much pressure to conform and it is difficult to say no.
The relationship with my wife-good days and bad days. I go out of my way to be nice or help in some way and most times she responds well. But at odd times she will send these barbs at me that are a relationship killer -for me it is. Oh well, it is what it is and we have to either make the best of it or not.
Randi