Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have added a book to my Amazon wish-list, it is about a mtf ts who transitioned early and simply lived her life as female ever after.  She married and no one had the slightest idea of the truth.   Should post op 'transsexuals' feel obliged to tell people of their past?
   The reason I ask is that a couple of weeks ago I and some other long-term members at a forum had a big falling out.   I posted a thread the contents of which angered other members and they have started using 'he' and 'it' and even 'freak' with reference to me.   I have long believed that nobody outside of family and friends really accepts transsexuals especially mtf ones.   I know that this is a controversial opinion and one that people will instinctively want to counter.  However, at this forum it was all 'hi girlie' and 'she and 'her' when I was giving them compliments and such like.  The moment I posted something they disliked the mood changed almost completely, suddenly I was no longer one of the ladies, I was ' a dude', a 'man in a dress', etc.  If you think that people outside your family completely accept you as you are, just wait until you fall out with them.  That shop/bar/restaurant/hairdressers where they 'know who I am and they completely accept me'.  Well I contend upon my own experience that they only accept you because you pay them money.  Try complaining about the food in that restaurant, or telling them in that shop where the are so nice and accepting that they short-changed you and you will soon find out what they really think of you.
   

This forum that I am referring to has a 90%+ female membership and it is notorious for its fights, bust-ups, long-term feuding and vendettas.  There are woman at this forum who loathe each other and factional in-fighting breaks out on a regular basis.   At this forum women have sought out and posted 'personal information' about their enemies.  They have even posted information that might identify another member's child or children.  I have lost count of the number of times members have written saying ' I have contacted the F.B.I. and they are going to contact you soon'. 
These members are all genetic women.  These women - who are wives and mothers and have jobs) are not always sweet and kind and tolerant, they can be sly, vicious, petty-minded and vengeful.   I wish that I had never told them about myself.  I just gave them ammunition to use against me when I stopped giving them endless compliments. 

Definatly time to move from that abuseive atmosphere and start fresh.
We might not agree with you on occasion but we are very unlikely to ever be that vicious.
Stick around and give this place a chance I am sure that it will suit you.

As people are people, and people have their own thoughts and ideas about a given subject.  And they don't want to have their ideas challenged by the facts.

It happens here too, and sometimes someone's feelings get hurt.  But it usually does not last long and the Moderators do a good job of breaking up fights.

And what you are talking about is whether to go 'stealth' or not.  And that is up to the individual to decide.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Some will go stealth, some will opt to become an activist.  And again there is no right or wrong answer.

Which one choices, is based on their own individual situation.  and under no circumstances should they be chastised for that choice.

I admire those who can be out and proud.

I've always been one to steer clear of the spotlight, and am happy to fade back into oblivion.  But by coming out to people, suddenly I'm the token trans guy who has to answer a gazillion questions I don't feel like answering, and people see me in a different light.

So for me, no, I don't plan on telling anyone ever again, unless I'm thinking about letting them into my pants.

I hate the way people's opinions of you change the minute you disclose.  Bugs me.

Jay

Long answer short: I want to live a simple life.

Once a person has transioned, IMO one should try and put it in the past.  As for what you talked about above Stephanie, different story. Sounds like some nasty females at that forum. I would certainly saysomething in that case.

I used to think I would remain stealth for all my life.  Recently I've been rethinking it.  There just aren't enough resources or networking in my state.  The schools don't protect GLBT student's rights (a lesbian student was told she couldn't take her senior photo in a tux and if she did, it wouldn't appear in the yearbook).  Health care providers aren't taught GLBT cultural awareness like they should.

If I move, I will most likely be stealth.  If I stay where I am, my chances are greater of being an out activist/advocate. 

My chances of being total stealth are virtually zero.  I have a unique name that I'm not changing because it's become part of who I am, so anyone could just type my name into google and presto I would be top of the list.  But at the same time, I'm not going to go around shouting that I was born XY.

I don't know, in a way I could "disappear" after surgery, make stories using my medical history of unexplained pain and live whatever I believed, but I can't, at least not to myself.

on the other hand being out for the sake of being out isn't my thing, I'm just not into being in the center stage for the sake of exposure.

I suppose there will be flames either way, but I figure I live my life my way, yours your own way. (since I'm trying to enjoy my life and not others by proxy)

When and if I have SRS, it will depend on what would be going on in my life at that time.  If there was that certain special someone in my life, at that time, I would consult them.  They of course would know of my past and we would need to determine if stealth would be best or if I should be more open.

If it was just myself, I might be more open and outspoken, who knows.  It has yet to be written in my book of my life.

Only if you want to.

It's a very individual thing. In a way I've done a bit of both over my long postop life.

On the whole I have perhaps been lucky in that I simply have not come across the kinds of hostility and lack of acceptance that you mention. My current policy in this regard is that I neither advertise nor conceal my past. It's an open secret which I will talk about if relevant and not talk about if not. Then again I was pretty well one of those who did the childhood transition thing and I've had the best part of 30 years adult practice at my self presentation.

So I don't think it's an either or question, nor do I believe that most people are that bothered. Most of those I meet who do end up knowing seem to fairly rapidly forget my past.

But in fact if you re-read your own post it contains the answer as to why you had this experience and in fact it has nothing to do with genuine lack of acceptance. Those women were just using something, anything, that they knew about you, that they thought would hurt, as a tool of revenge. If you hadn't told them you were trans it would have been something else they used. Kind of childish really and in your shoes I would have let them know how childish I though they were by offering to change their nappies! ;)

Either way I wouldn't waste too much time there.

I've recently discovered that the more passable I become which is asymptotically reaching 100% the more I don't care whether or not people know about my trans status.  The less believable it is that I could have ever been a boy the more I think people need to know the truth.  I want to be out in order that I give us a good name.  While I never feel obliged to tell people of my past it's something I genuinely want to do; more of a "check out how far I've come" sort of deal.  Sure it might be brought up as a means to try to hurt me later on should I get into a fight but the way I see it is this: if I share it on my own terms I can never be blackmailed by my past.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on March 10, 2010, 01:26:20 AM
I've recently discovered that the more passable I become which is asymptotically reaching 100% the more I don't care whether or not people know about my trans status.  The less believable it is that I could have ever been a boy the more I think people need to know the truth.  I want to be out in order that I give us a good name.  While I never feel obliged to tell people of my past it's something I genuinely want to do; more of a "check out how far I've come" sort of deal.  Sure it might be brought up as a means to try to hurt me later on should I get into a fight but the way I see it is this: if I share it on my own terms I can never be blackmailed by my past.

Precisely!

Very nicely put too. Plus 1 me on all of that. :)

I transitioned and had SRS 36 years ago and put the past behind me. Following romance, career, and whatever I moved a number of times and ended up in a different part of the country. I never told anyone about my past - it was none of their business - it was a medical condition that had been cured so why bring it up. Life was pretty normal for along time.

A few years after settling into a new community, rumours started by an employee at a medical clinic spread through my village. I was aware that a few people became very aloof and I had a feeling some were talking behind my back but I didn't hear about the rumours until years later when I asked a friend. He told me what was being said and that most people simply dismissed the rumours as being implausible.

It seems that once people get to know you, they accept you at face value and that image becomes very hard to change, which led to the tag line I use on another forum "That which is inconsistent with the senses can not be maintained"

Back when I transitioned everyone was expected to "go stealth" and most did (unless they were discovered by the media). In one way it 'helped the cause' because those people just vanished into the woodwork showing they were indistinguishable from natal women - which I think gave the medical community more confidence in the necessity and success of treatment/surgery. But on the other hand it didn't do much to help the pre-ops and there was no support network for the post-ops.

It would be preferable if the whole thing were a non-issue right from the start but unfortunately it isn't for many people.

I'm fine with being out even on the internet, but the thing that bothers me is that sometimes people do think pointing out your transhistory is an insult, and I think my main bother is that I would like to let them know that it's not.  It doesn't insult me in the slightest, but the malice it is said with is I suppose what bothers me, and it's hard to address that when you're thrown into a box so quickly.  But whatever.  The best response is always to ignore it, just because the only way those type of people get a charge out of you is when they get a response that it matters.

The biggest thing for being out IMO is that you can alleviate some of the societal enforced shame, by owning it, rather than empowering it by sliding away from it.

You can't shame me of something I'm proud of.  I suppose I just like to have ownership over those sorts of things.

Stephanie

I'm also a member of a number of forums, many discussing contemproary issues.

There are some people who seem to lack the intelegence to offer constructive arguments or to listen to others. I personally have been frequently called mad, know-all, professor, fascist, nazi and so on. On one I once said that I hadn't been to university. (I have but didn't finish). Many began dismissing me as uneducated! Then I once let slip that I wasn't born in the UK. I won't tell you the many words that were used then.

Sorry, that's a bit of a list. I'm trying to say that this is part of forums. Rise above it.

As for turning your back on your old life. Completely.

Yes, I agree. What business is it of anyone?

Possibly with the exception of a marriage partner. And I say this only because if you can't trust your marriage partner, completely, then you really shouldn't be getting married to them.

But that is my opinion only.

Now, I wouldn't call "what they call you when they're being aggressive" a clear sign of "level of acceptance". In my experience, people (more women than men if there's any difference) will take the cheap shots when enraged.
I have a friend who's a bit of a drama-queen and he uses rather harsh slang-terms for people when he gets enraged. He also eats his words and apologizes afterwards when he's back to his senses, but still during the fight, he'll say the most insensitive and non-accepting things you could think of, just because he's angry.

I don't think there's any clear rule of whether or not people "should" do anything in regards to transition. Your transition is your business, mine is mine.
This applies to post-op stealth too.
Your stealth-level is your business,..

However, since you asked about stealth, I'll express what I think/feel in regards to stealth for me.
I don't intend to go "stealth". I have no intention of ignoring the facts of my past. I can never change the physical facts of my birth and the first 27 years of my life.
My history and my experiences are a part of who I am.
In denying my history and my experiences, I will deny a part of myself, and you know.. I did that for twenty or so years, trying to be "normal", and I'd rather not do it again, no matter whether it's easier or not.
Also, by denying that part of myself, I won't be able to take what I've learned through this and offer it to anyone else.. at all.
If all the transsexuals who'd been through it all were 100% stealth, then I would never have learned that there were others like me and I probably would still be deep in the closet, ashamed that I felt I wasn't what they said I was, and feeling guilty for it still.

In short... I can't do stealth because I'd feel like I was lying to myself an others and also because I'd feel like I was turning transsexualism into something to be ashamed about.

That being said, it's not like I'm gonna introduce myself as a transperson each time I meet a new person. There's a time and place for things. I just won't shy away from saying things that out me when they're right.
I'm just gonna treat it the same way as I treat my sexuality, which is about as big a deal in my life as being "right handed".

For me, I am who and what I am.  It took me a long time to accept myself and now I do.  If anyone else doesn't, that's their problem.

I am willing to tell people about my experience if it will help them understand that being transsexual is perfectly normal.  I will gladly answer questions but don't bring it up to people I meet.  I feel I have nothing to hide.

- Kate

Im going stealth. I feel that people judge to much based on just being trans. and im not just that, sure its a part of me but theres ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT more to me than that and people might not agree but its my own decision and noone elses . Like Jen said, "i want to live a simple life" (too).

Forgot to add: unless its someone deeply close to me, like a boyfriend/husband/family/best friend of years (already know) ;P

From personal experience in the world of work, coming out as trans can be a problem. I had one such experience lately, where I went on an interview to become a sales manager. I got a sense that the big poohba would have difficulty with me if he were to find out.

Our 30 minute intro interview went on to over 90 minutes. He was talking about the benefits and money etc., and told me to fill out an application including a background history. I had previously worked at this company some 20 years earlier in the other gender. I was unsuccessful with calling back East to their home office HR dept to change my records. (It was too long, and I was not an active employee).

A few days later, after my background check was received by Mr. Big, it was a different story all together. I got a one sentence email suggesting that I was not a good 'fit' since I had worked too many places in my industry. (4 in 20 years) Regretfully, I think my first instincts about this person were true. Of course, these people are able to cover their butt with other excuses for not allowing the chance to work there.

I don't mind being out and known as a person with a transgendered past as long as I am treated well and respected. The problem is when I don't even get a fair chance with some phobic people, just because of my circumstances. That's just wrong. Fact is, that they are missing out on a great employee. I will just be happy to take my talents elsewhere for now....

That sucks Julie. I feel sorry for you having to go through all that, but in a way it kind of makes my point very well, which is that unless one plans on living in an isolated cave halfway up a mountain somewhere, the information about our past is out there and it does eventually catch up with us.

In the past I have lived in full stealth, now I live in the open, by choice. Sadly for those who think going stealth will make your lives simpler I have very bad news... you couldn't be more wrong! Sure it can be done, but when I was in stealth the sheer effort I had to put in to make sure my past didn't inadvertantly catch me up was simply unbelievable. The simplest little thing, an unfortunate coincidence, a chance professional meeting, a family indiscretion, almost anything can induce information leakage - and once the facts get leaked the game is up.

It is actually since I went back open that things have become 100% simpler. But like I always say, its an individual decision. By all means try it and see if I'm right or not.

When I started to transition, I too thought of myself as a "transsexual" but as I transitioned, had GRS & moved forward into womanhood, the term "transsexual" started to sound incorrect when applied to my person.  I see myself as a woman, nothing else.  Should I be obliged to tell my past?  What I've always been is female & that's all there is to it, so the way I see it, my past is female & there's nothing else to "tell".