Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, when my kids asked why I wasn't home for dinner last night, my wife told them I'd gone to see a therapist. With public transit service being what it is, I was home a little after 10pm. My wife had left for work already and my kids were still awake. I took this as a possible sign that they wanted to know what was going on, even though they seemed unconcerned when I finally walked in.

So, I told them I'd gone to see a therapist about transgender issues, as I've been beginning to think I might be more MTF rather than androgyne after all.

My coming out to them was such a non-event.

My 18-year-old daughter, known here as Unconditional Acceptance, asked if I would change my name. She also asked what I would do about my voice, or if I would just be like Bernadette from The Adventures of Priscialla Queen of the Desert.

My son, who turns 21 in a couple of weeks, asked what they should call me, since I wouldn't be "dad" anymore.

That was it. No big deal.

Wow.

That is impressive, you have certainly raised some good ones there. Stories like this are great to hear, it lets me know that there is still good in the world.

Thanks, Hikari.

Wonderful!

When I told my daughter (35 years old), her only question was if I would still be her father (absolutely).  We went through a period of trying to figure out what she should call me, since "Papa" always ended up "he" instead of "she".  What did you tell them?

It is so nice when those near and dear to us accept us as who we are.

Wow indeed. :D

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on April 01, 2010, 06:19:07 PM
What did you tell them?

I told them to call me whatever comes to mind ... then retracted that immediately.

I suggested that they call me what makes them comfortable. But, I'm not so sure I'd want them calling me "mom" since I'm not their mother. We'll have to work it out.

I told my daughter to call me whatever she is comfortable with.  I had thought she might call me Kate, but she calls me Maddie - a combination of Mom and Daddy.  (Mapah - a combination of Mama and Papa - doesn't work. :P)

It all takes time, though.  It's really nice that your kids are relaxed about it.  They'll figure out something that works for them.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on April 01, 2010, 06:19:07 PMWe went through a period of trying to figure out what she should call me, since "Papa" always ended up "he" instead of "she".  What did you tell them?

My son just asked me this this morning, after he called me Mom.  He asked, does it bother you when I call you Mom?  (It does, actually, because even though I am his mother, I never ID'd as a mom, ever).  I said,  you can always call me Mom, if you want to, because I am your mother, always.  You can call me whatever you want.

So then he asked if he should call me Jay, and I said he could if he wanted to.  Mom comes out of his mouth as habit.  I'm sure he'll still call me Mom, though.  Even though it bugs me, I'm the adult and I can deal with it.  He's a kid, I'm his mom, so if he wants and needs to call me mom, I'll live.

Jay

P.S.  I didn't tell him it bugged me, though, and I have no reaction other than to answer when he does.  FWIW.

Quote from: K8 on April 01, 2010, 06:32:03 PM
she calls me Maddie - a combination of Mom and Daddy. 

Hmm, maybe I should have them call me Dom. *snicker snicker*

I love when I hear good news. Seems like you did raise good kids after all. Bet that was a relief. LOL

Quote from: cynthialee on April 01, 2010, 06:58:35 PM
I love when I hear good news. Seems like you did raise good kids after all. Bet that was a relief. LOL

My daughter's reaction was not a surprise. But, I had thought that the whole cross-dressing thing gave my son the heebee-jeebees. Either I was wrong, or he hid it well.

Your kids are great to be so accepting.  Of course your daughter is no surprise. ( :icon_wave: Unconditional Acceptance ).  My children don't really call me any thing other than my name.  I think they are unsure what to call me.

Your family is one of those rare ones that go through this together.

Hugs to all of you,
Janet

Quote from: Janet Lynn on April 01, 2010, 07:16:41 PM
Your family is one of those rare ones that go through this together.

This certainly seems to be the case.

It sounds like you raised some great kids. Congratulations!

Thanks, Kyril!

Sounds like you've got great kids. My 18 year old has asked if its ok for him to still call me mum in the house, until he has kids then he'll start calling me Alex so they don't get confused. Maybe he'll change his mind when i've got a full beard but he's been so accepting that i can't argue with him over this one point

Oi Grey, grats on that boundary overcome. Looks like it didn't turn out bad so I guess being a 'Hope Addict' ain't that bad after all ne? ;)

Either way, hope everything else progresses like this. Great that you got the family support down.  8)

Shades,
This story make me happy. It gives me hope, too!! Thanks for sharing!

~Jas :icon_chick:

So yesterday afternoon, my wife talked with our kids about my pronouncement. Our daughter still seemed completely unfazed. Our son did indicate he was somewhat bothered by this. He said something to the effect of, "I can't think of a rational reason to be upset by this." But, it seems he is a bit.

His main concerns seemed to be about how my wife was reacting to this, and how my parents will react, particularly my dad. He's a bigot, or at least he shows "outward hideousness," to borrow a phrase from Shakespeare.

So, while my son isn't completely comfortable with this, at least he's not turning against me, either.

That's certainly better than the alternative - which we hear of all too often. Good to hear it's gone well so far :)

Quote from: Nemo on April 02, 2010, 11:02:23 AM
That's certainly better than the alternative - which we hear of all too often. Good to hear it's gone well so far :)

True.

I've asked my kids just to call me Sandy, but sometimes they forget and still call me dad.  I don't really mind.  I'll never stop being their father.

Though sometimes in conversations it can be a bit awkward when the say "My dad, she..." or introduce me as "She's my dad."

But both my kids and I don't have a real problem with it.  If the world does, then it's their problem not mine.

-Sandy(though I don't get fathers day cards  ;D)

Quote from: Sandy on April 02, 2010, 12:42:52 PM
-Sandy(though I don't get fathers day cards  ;D)

Do you get mom's day cards? Or perhaps something else instead? I dunno... Just wondering.

Hey Shades!  Congrads to you and your wife for raising such intelligent and thoughtful kids.  The future looks much better with kids like that growing into adulthood.

Thanks, Kat!

Quote from: Jasmine.m on April 02, 2010, 12:45:27 PM
Do you get mom's day cards? Or perhaps something else instead? I dunno... Just wondering.

Yeah, they do give me Mother's Day cards.  They did ask whether I wanted both and jokingly said I changed just so I could get both.  I told them that I really did not feel it was appropriate for me to get Father's Day cards and would be happy with the other.

The Mother's Day cards are given in the proper spirit of recognition of being a parent and we leave it at that.  Their mother has no problem with me getting the cards either.

Hallmark has not really tapped into this market as you might expect.  Hmmm.... Here is definitely an untapped market!

-Sandy

Quote from: Sandy on April 02, 2010, 02:20:38 PM
Hallmark has not really tapped into this market as you might expect.  Hmmm.... Here is definitely an untapped market!

Oh, gods, I can just see it: cards that say...

Congratulations on your Orchi!

Sandy,
That is great to hear! Your children sound wonderfully accepting and loving, as does Shades. My compliments to both of your parenting skills. :)

Thanks, Jasmine!

BUMP.

You haven't posted to this topic in a while. How is everything going?

My ex and I have been getting ready to come out to the kids ourselves.

Well, there hasn't been much to report lately.

This past Tuesday was the Mid-peninsula Support Group. Since I had this week off from work, I decided to spend the whole day cross-dressed. It was great in that I was able to shop for a cocktail dress and pumps (thanks to Cindy James and vexing respectively for the tips) without getting odd looks (or feeling like I was getting odd looks).

I spent most of the day out of the house.

When I came home from the support group, a little after 10pm, my son was still up. He did a double-take when he saw me, and just said, "Okay." I wasn't sure what to say, so I just smiled and shrugged.

I'm sure this would have been a golden opportunity to talk with him about this, but I just wasn't sure how to proceed.

I was out with my wife yesterday. I was cross-dressed and we went to the Stanford University Museum. When we came home, our son was out but our daughter was home. She'd seen me cross-dressed before and like that other time, had no reaction at all other than to say, "Hi mom, hi dad" and ask us where we'd been.

My son is 21, and my daughter is 18. While things seem to be smooth and no big deal with her, I'm not so sure yet what my son thinks other than knowing he's told my wife he's not quite comfortable with it but he's not sure why.

I am preparing to coming out to my daughter who is only 5 yrs old since I am planning to go fulltime. She once asked me why I have a long hair since she thought only girl has long hair and I am the only dad with long hair she saw in her daycare. So I answered " boy can also have long hair, but if daddy want to be a girl and have a long hair, will that be ok?" she said " that is fine, but I need to buy you a skirt since you don't have skirt and girl should have skirt!" :) This weekend, she asked me the similar question again, and I tried to test the water and said " Daddy want to become a girl", this time she responsed " if you become a girl, I will not have daddy", I really didn't expect that answer and suddently somehow feel very sad ( she already lost a complete family after my ex divorced me 1.5 yr ago due to my transition, I can see the divorce impact on her), and before I could tell her that I will still be her father and love her, she run away to play with her friends and we didn't get chance to revisit that topics again.

I am thinking to have a serious talk with my daughter in the next weekend when she is with me, to tell her daddy always want to become a girl even daddy were born as a boy, become a boy can make daddy happier. Daddy will only change the appearance and still the same person. I will always be her daddy and be with her forever, she will always my angele and princess who I love the most.  and I am also thinking to let her see Amanda either at the same weekend or the next time I see her. Is my plan good? any advise and suggestions are appreciated.

btw, should I discuss ths with my ex before my talk with my daughter? I think so, right?

From Shades:
This past Tuesday was the Mid-peninsula Support Group. Since I had this week off from work, I decided to spend the whole day cross-dressed. It was great in that I was able to shop for a cocktail dress and pumps (thanks to Cindy James and vexing respectively for the tips) without getting odd looks (or feeling like I was getting odd looks).


Come on girl. How did it go, what did you buy :laugh: :-*

Cindy

Amanda,
Your plan sounds good to me.  Children as young as your daughter have short attention spans and generally see things pretty simply.  I think that if you tell her you will always love her and that she will always be your daughter and you will always be her daddy, she will be satisfied.

I don't know what your relationship is with your ex, but if the two of you are still on the same page as far as your daughter goes, you might discuss it with her first.  If she is actively undermining you to your daughter, then I wouldn't bring it up beforehand.

It took my daughter (age 36) a year to decide what to call me and how to refer to me.  You might talk a little with your daughter about that – whether she wants to still call you Daddy when you are a girl.  That way it can be her decision (with your guidance and agreement) and she will be part of the process.  Perhaps her having a Daddy who is a girl can be a special secret for her.

Good luck.  Kids are pretty resilient.  If you approach her with love and understanding of her needs, you should be fine.

- Kate

Quote from: CindyJames on July 07, 2010, 04:35:27 AM
Come on girl. How did it go, what did you buy :laugh: :-*

Basically, I was in a T-shirt and women's jeans and just strolled into the Goodwill like I belonged there. I found a couple of dresses, but one was pretty tight. I ended up choosing a black ankle-length, button-up wool knit dress. The price tag said $8.99, but Goodwill was having a sale; I paid $4.50 for it.

The pumps I got new for about $25.

I'll post pics soon.

Just a suggestion, but perhaps you could concentrate on your relationship and how much you enjoy being together. She seems kinda young to be taking in your change.

Perhaps you could both have a dressing up time together. if you spend a weekend together, or even an evening. You could both try on different clothes to try out different looks. She can try some dungarees, perhaps a cowboy outfit, perhaps something sporting and so on. That will get her use to the idea of changing appearance, even a little pretend, but she will still be the same person inside.

At the same time, you can try different clothes, but more aiming at feminine.

It will mean accessing some clothes for her. You might pick up some things in a charity shop.

She seems to be a thinker from her statement about not having a dad. But the statement itself indicates that she sees a dad in a narrow way, more akin to a child.

One point, however, if you did something like this, it will be better if you let her figure out the lesson for hersel. If you try to point it out, I'm pretty sure she will pick up on that. That might make her feel a little used.

As I say, just some thoughts.

That's amazing! <3

Quote from: Shades O'Grey on April 02, 2010, 02:26:36 PM
Oh, gods, I can just see it: cards that say...

Congratulations on your Orchi!

Shades of "7 Periods with Mr Gormsby",   "Dear Miss O'Flaherty, hope you had a good abortion. Yours sincerley Form 5F".

Last weekend, I showed one of my skirt to my daughter, and told her that it is daddy's skirt because daddy like to wear that :) she said that is beautiful skirt but she will look more pretty than me to wear that. she asked why I want to wear the skirt, I told her that daddy want to become a girl but I am still her daddy, she seems took it well and even said she need to buy me makeups and she will do the make up for me since I may not know how to do it :).

This Monday and Tuesday, because she was sick so she stayed at home with my parents and her sister and didn't go to the summer school. She even asked my mom and my sister why daddy want to become a girl. Luckly, my mom and sister are pretty supportive on my transition and gave her some good explanations. My mom told me that she seems happy with the answer. :)

I plan to show Amanda to her next weekend.

Quote from: amandax on July 23, 2010, 09:30:31 PM
Last weekend, I showed one of my skirt to my daughter, and told her that it is daddy's skirt because daddy like to wear that :) she said that is beautiful skirt but she will look more pretty than me to wear that. she asked why I want to wear the skirt, I told her that daddy want to become a girl but I am still her daddy, she seems took it well and even said she need to buy me makeups and she will do the make up for me since I may not know how to do it :).

This Monday and Tuesday, because she was sick so she stayed at home with my parents and her sister and didn't go to the summer school. She even asked my mom and my sister why daddy want to become a girl. Luckly, my mom and sister are pretty supportive on my transition and gave her some good explanations. My mom told me that she seems happy with the answer. :)

I plan to show Amanda to her next weekend.

It's great that your mom and sister are supportive. Good luck with showing your daughter Amanda, and be sure to let us know how it goes.

It's great to hear good news like these stories. Big hugs to everyone involved.