Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have spent the last several hours crying, but no matter how many tears I shed, I can continue indefinately.  Today, my mom told me that my family wanted nothing to do with me and that I was "choosing" to not be a part of the family by transitioning.

My parents pride themselves in being very left minded politically and accepting of gays.  Yet, they have been very harsh about my transition saying that I have killed their son and have forever ruined all future prospects for "choosing" this path.

I have been out to my folks and living full time as a woman for four years.  They have treated my transition like ostriches with their heads in the ground, but every now and then voice their firm disagreement with it.  They refuse to read or watch anything about it, much less even attempt to call me by my legal name and pronouns.  My mom says I am not fooling anyone and everyone can tell that I am trans.  I have only been clocked a couple times in last few years since I transitioned in my early twenties, even passing in a room full of trans women expecting other trans women to show up, but her words still eat at me.

I blame myself when they say hurtful things to me. Even when they said something as awful as 'should have used a gun like a man' when I attempted to end my life via pills at 15, I felt like I deserved that. Just going about my day as myself feels so liberating, but talking to them makes me feel shameful and disgusting. I turn my pain inward, developing negative self talk, suicidal idealation, and a general self hatred.  Why do I let their words affect me so?  I still want their acceptance so bad,

I mainly went the legal way for mones to show my parents that people with phd's say that being transgender is a real issue and that transition is right for me. This postponed my transition by about a year.  My folks say that the people only said I was trans because it made for a more interesting case study than treating a depressed shy guy.  I even went to two more therapists who all agreed that this is right for me, my parents said I must have been lying to them.  My whole childhood, I didn't hide who I was under a facade, I clearly remember instances from when I was little where I saw myself as a girl and achingly wanted to be accepted/live as such.  My parents discount all those moments.

They have done small things that made me think they were starting to accept such as buy me girl boots and even telling me that these would be really cute for me; teaching me how to crochet; commenting once that my outfit with skirt had colors that went really well with me.  Then they firmly tell me they will not call me by my name etc etc. I don't understand it.  Why would they do those things and then just declare such hatred of my transition and want nothing more to do with me?

Thank you for anyone who actually read to this point. I really want my family to be a part of my life and accept me as their daughter. I feel very numb and just want to be done with life.  I feel so broken.  I don't have a family.  I will never be able to afford srs in the forseeable future (and it seems like everyone I know is getting it done).  My career prospects might not be so good being pre-op, no matter how well I pass that dreaded M will make getting an overseas teaching job near impossible. Perhaps my folks are right and I should just detransition.  THe only thing keeping me from ending my life is that my parents will probably cut my hair short, put me in a three piece suit, and bury me under a gravestone with boy name.

That is so sad, and I feel bad about my life, now I feel like a loser feeling bad about my life since I know my immediate family will eventually accept whoever I am. Your family loves you because of what they thought you were, but if they cannot love you as the true version you are then they are in love with an idea. You will eventually accept that their acceptance means nothing, since your own happiness is much more important than their acceptance. If they are capable to say that you should ended your life like a man, then you really do not even deserve them. They do not deserve you at all, and you are too good for them. Believe it, since from my viewpoint you are reaching out for love, and they do not want to receive it. So why bother with it? You can find acceptance other places, but I suppose you feel really alone in the world, but there are people who will love you in this world.

I cannot offer much advice besides that, since I never experience something as low as that yet. But hopefully you can remain strong, and move beyond this point of your life. Just do not end it, since that will mean that you're weaker than them, and be stronger then them. If I were you, I would probably feel impelled to be who I am and reject them all. I would end all contact with them, and if they want my contact then they would have to mutually accept who I am. If not, then they are non-existent to me.

The reason why I am standpoint though, isn't because of my family's acceptance, but of my own acceptance of myself. I do not know who I really am, and where to go with my life. I have a real good idea, but tons of doubt.

Oh Honey,
I'm so sorry to hear this. They are obviously totally unaware of what hell is. I admire you for having the strength and resolve to be you in face of such  demented ignorance. I know that you want your family to love you. It sounds as if they never will. Accusing you of killing their son sounds like such total ignorant bigotry that I would give up on them Obviously you are accepted into society as the woman you are. Their cruel comments, I think, are just there to hurt you.
Please be the strong woman you are. Don't fail yourself. Remember you can always make a will, with your funeral arrangements stated. Leave it with an executor, and state quite clearly that in the case of death I will be treated as the female I am and will be dressed in whatever you wish to state. I'm sorry if that sounds morbid. And I'm definitely not putting it in for S, just to remind you that we do have legal control over our wishes.

Stay strong my friend. You can always pm me if you need one on one support.

Hugs :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Cindy

The problem is, your family doesn't love you at all.

They love themselves, or at least, they love the image of themselves they think they have.

They played with you for a while, now they have tired of that game. It was taking too much attention away from them.

Whatever you do, your position with them will always be as a door-mat. It hasn't been caused by your changing, it was always there. You just never realised it before.

You decision to change is and must be your own, of course, but of you stop now and remain there, they will forever be imposing their control over you.

I talk from experience. I stopped trying to change at 20. I made every attempt to be a man. Every conversation seemed to start along the lines of, 'you know what your problem is.....?'

It's really tough to accept that your family are really a bunch of self centred jerks.

It's really tough to face life, alone, having to build an entire network of relationships from scratch.

It doesn't help when people tell you that others have it worse. But believe me, what has happened to you is not unusual or rare. All of us simply had to face up to it.

But if you don't, if you try to pretend that it will work itself out then you are headed for a nervous breakdown.

And no, they won't ever accept you. They won't ever respect you.

If you continue to change or not, even if you decide to put things on hold for a while, you absolutely must get away from them.

I am pretty certain, at least one of them will try to follow you, to maintain some relationship. But you will soon discover that even that one is still looking for opportunities to be critical.

You don't deserve this. You are better than that.

You are better than them.

Muffin, I feel for you. Any parent who does not want their child to be happy is not worth the name. It is one thing to disagree with you, but to wish you dead is just a total rejection of the whole concept.
Changing your gender obviously threatens their self-image as successful parents, which appears to be more important to them than you are.  That sort of defeats the whole purpose of their role.
Stay strong, you are a better person than they are, so if they don't wish to be a part of your adventure in your new life, that is their problem.
Hugs, Sandra.

In my experience trying to go back is very rarely a good way to make progress. In my opinion De-transition is seldom if ever the answer, although I know there are some who disagree.

I feel desperately sorry for you - you mention teaching but worry about your trans status. I don't know where you are in the world, but here in the UK there are lots of openly trans teachers, and indeed UK law would allows anyone who can prove that they have lived in their acquired gender for more than 2 years to change their legal sex. The UK does not require you to be postop before doing this.

I hope you can find some practical support and a way forward with your life. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose your family and I can only hope that you will find a new place where you can be accepted and make a new life for yourself.

Quote from: spacial on April 07, 2010, 04:25:32 AM
The problem is, your family doesn't love you at all.

They love themselves, or at least, they love the image of themselves they think they have.

... You don't deserve this. You are better than that.

You are better than them.

Poor you ...

I don't wish to start a big political flame-session here, but I think this kind of intolerance is common among a lot of people who affect liberal/left opinions because they think this makes them sound progressive and morally superior. They talk a fine game, but when it actually comes to applying their theories to real life, suddenly they're a whole lot less broadminded than they claimed to be.

Their conservative counterparts may also be intolerant sexist, racist, homophobic bigots. But at least they're honest enough not even to pretend to be anything else ...

In the meantime, I'm so, so sorry that you are suffering in this way. I cannot understand how a parent could ever reject a child, simply because they come out as gay or TS. I would never in a million years treat my kids that way because my love for them is unconditional and I want them to be whoever they truly are, in whatever way will make them happiest* ... And I'm counting on the fact that they will be equally understanding towards me ...


* Providing, of course, that this does not involve harming anyone else

To an extent I agree with you Carlita.

However, many people who behave in this way are not confessionally left wing.

I tend to believe the problem stems from the tendency of some to think they must control others. Or, at least, manipulate others.

What they do, in reality, is try to live other people's lives for them.

This was most certainly the case in my family and I am pretty certain, from the descriptions, that it is in cerealnmuffin's.

She and I for that matter, along with many others, simply want to live our own lives.

From this perspective, it is obvious why I, cerealnmuffin and many others can never really hope for any reconciliation with our families.

We want to live our own lives. They precieve our lives as an example for others. They can see little prospect of others following that example.

Once we have submitted to their demands to conform to their norm, we become their subjects.

It happens all the time.  Is it right?  It is to the person doing it.  Call it control or manipulation or whatever.  It is a total lack of support.  And grieving for the lost child, seeing the new person as the killer of that child.

Cerealnmuffin, you need to go on with your life and live for you.  Don't do what I did and wait till they are gone.  My parents never got to know their daughter.  Go forth and live for you.  Maybe one day they will want to reconnect with their child.

Can  no one give support without knocking down the people muffin loves?

Give them time. They might eventually come to terms with your choice. I am extremely sorry for you though  :(

Give them time.

Our families are either our best supporters or worst enemies.

And I've learned firsthand that political leanings and religiosity don't necessarily  mean squat when it comes to family.

I'm lucky that my conservative religious family has accepted me without question.  Maybe because I'm FTM and not MTF (not that it should matter, but people get really bent when men want to be women (yes I know you're already women, that is their mentality)) and maybe because I'm older and educated and successful in life already and they knew they had no control over me.  Who knows.

We all have to live our OWN lives as we see fit.  If you're a woman, then you must be a woman, no matter what anyone else thinks.  It takes more guts than most people have to transition.  You go, girl (and all of the rest of you too!!)


Jay

Hang in there, Muffin. I know it hurts like hell, but there IS life after rejection, just as there is life after divorce.

Give them space; give them time; and give yourself the gift of freedom. You are a beloved child of God. Don't let anyone talk you out of that.

We have several friends whose parents have come around 10, 15 years after transition, one mother on her deathbed. But YOU have to live your life for YOU. All the rest will take care of itself.

You have new family, now. We are part of your family, and we extend our love to you. Your extended family will grow, and you will thrive.

Love and Light

Robyn

Quote from: LordKAT on April 07, 2010, 11:39:03 AM
Can  no one give support without knocking down the people muffin loves?

Shrot answer, no.

But it's not about knocking people, it's about seeing people as they are.

As an open minded, live and let live liberal (non-American sense), I can't take any high ground. The world is made up of a complex mix of different personality types, ranging from those who seek to change the world to those that seek to understand themselves. (And many inbetween).  Each of us has an exactly equal right to be here.

The reality is that some personality types simply don't get on.

But one of the benefits of being liberal is that, because we don't seek to change others, we can see each person for who they are. Hopefully, with time and maturity, we can learn to accept them as they are.

Quote from: spacial on April 07, 2010, 12:48:53 PM
Shrot answer, no.

But it's not about knocking people, it's about seeing people as they are.

As an open minded, live and let live liberal (non-American sense), I can't take any high ground. The world is made up of a complex mix of different personality types, ranging from those who seek to change the world to those that seek to understand themselves. (And many inbetween).  Each of us has an exactly equal right to be here.

The reality is that some personality types simply don't get on.

But one of the benefits of being liberal is that, because we don't seek to change others, we can see each person for who they are. Hopefully, with time and maturity, we can learn to accept them as they are.

I'm sorry that your "seeing people as they are" includes not being sensitive to others feelings.

Get away from the family and give everyone time to decompress. Like has been said by anouther poster, sometimes it takes a long time for families to come around.
This is a good place for suport. You have a family here if you want it.

Sometimes the most effective thing that you can do when your family cuts you off is to cut them off back.
If they love you, they'll miss you and try to get back in touch.

It's  brings me solace all the support I have here.  I must have read them all at least three times.  Thank you everyone.  I am still feeling empty, but the tears are slowing to a trickle.  I cried right before my first class and this one girl sat and talked with me.  She was surpirsed to discover that I was T and not a cisgender girl, but she was still super supprotive.  So it was a form of validation as well as support.  My other friends have been calling and texting me support all day.  Without all of this, I would have surely ended it all, because I had readily available method.  Thank you again everyone ^__^

I've had pretty much the same thing happen to me, and I know how much it hurts when your own mother rejects you for the simple act of being happy with who you are. I've hated it it the depths of my soul, but sometimes all we can do is break contact, at least for a while, for our own sakes. You do what you can do to reach out to them, and if that isn't enough then you have to take care of yourself. No sense in burning any bridges, but you don't have to cross them when crossing them causes you so much pain and heartache. It's just not healthy for us; I really wish they could see what they're doing by these actions. There aren't any easy answers to this situation, but just know that you aren't alone. *hugs*

Gee, that sounds pretty much like my life story a long time ago, almost exactly the same.

I to was "always out" (never a secret), started hormones in my teens and my (adopted) mum NEVER accepted it, any of it. When SRS became available in my early 20's she and I had a major row! I said I HAD to do it, that I was suicidal and she said "It would be better if you killed yourself. At that moment I knew that SHE was the one with the problem! More than 30 years went by before she passed and she never did accept me.

Lack of acceptance by family is NOT a good reason to end one's life! I moved away, transitioned, and had SRS all at the same time and (except for my parents) life was GRAND! I made all new friends in a brand new life, built a career, and lived the kind of life I should have had from the start. I stopped responding to letters and phone calls from my mum that used the wrong name and only visited home twice in 30 years (under the protection of my husband!) - at least that way my mum was respectful enough to use the proper terms - she even put my husband and I in the same bed LOL!!!

The thing about all this is that you have to make your own life in a way that is good for YOU. Anyone who tries to poison the waters of you new life needs to be REMOVED from that life pronto! Don't let ignorance and prejudice ruin your future Muffin.

Quote from: Northern Jane on April 08, 2010, 04:38:10 AMThe thing about all this is that you have to make your own life in a way that is good for YOU. Anyone who tries to poison the waters of you new life needs to be REMOVED from that life pronto! Don't let ignorance and prejudice ruin your future Muffin.

Very well said.

I always love reading your posts Jane.

Thank you.

.... gotta have gained something from all these years and doing things the hard way LOL!

lol
Graduating from the school of hard knocks is a common theme around here, eh?

CM,

Remember that you have many friends here on Susan's that love you. We wish you peace and happiness.

You are a healthy person. Those with poor self esteem don't know how to handle those who are healthy and well. When your family judges you, it is not a reflection of you, but of them.

I would run to find a good therapist. If you are a f/t student, many campuses have free or no cost counseling. This will help you sort out your feelings, and will help your perspective on your situation.

During therapy, I developed the courage to leave an abusive marriage. I got away from someone who was hell bent on taking me down with her. Thankfully, I was able to escape this intolerant situation. You can do the same.

We all want to have a healthy, adjusted family. Truth is, that they need intensive therapy to get well. They willingly choose to remain ignorant of your gender condition. This is what unhealthy people with low self esteem do.

I, like you CM, have "lost" my family. At least for now. My own mother and siblings refuse to have anything to do with me. Again, I see this as their issue, and not mine. When they finally get well, and come round, I will be there for them. I accept the situation for what it is. I cannot change them, nor "convince" them to see things my way. Someday, they may change. I hope so. Until that time, I will not be in their life if they say and do things to hurt me. I, like you, need to protect myself. If you are going to be shooting arrows at me, I can't come by to visit you or call you.

Hang in there, and get the help and support you need. There are many support groups for TS/TG people out there. If you are younger, there are many support drop -in centers to be around like minded people as you. Seek out these resources.

Remember that you are a lovely, healthy woman deserving of love. Many people are out there, who will accept and love you. Your family, perhaps, may someday join the rest of us in loving you. Until that time, avoid their toxicity. They may get well once they choose to start healing themselves.