Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: Karla on April 20, 2010, 10:21:15 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: Karla on April 20, 2010, 10:21:15 PM
Post by: Karla on April 20, 2010, 10:21:15 PM
So Yesterday was one mighty fine day... until the last few hours.
I had a conversation with this guy, and I still cannot get over it for some reason. My head is about to burst, I feel my poor neurons being microwaved. gaaah! The worst is I cannot figure out what *exactly* is it that unleashed this darned pandemonium into my mental realms.
All I know is now I'm feeling humiliated and sub-standard in my own mind. This just isn't fair. I mean come on it was "simple" conversation. I feel less whole. Am I too weak? Did anyone else feel like this, how did you handle it??
Add that to general loneliness and I got myself one of those longest days of my life day.
I find myself going to busy places, staying around crowds, still feeling lonely. I dread going back to my apartment.
One day at a time. :'(
I had a conversation with this guy, and I still cannot get over it for some reason. My head is about to burst, I feel my poor neurons being microwaved. gaaah! The worst is I cannot figure out what *exactly* is it that unleashed this darned pandemonium into my mental realms.
All I know is now I'm feeling humiliated and sub-standard in my own mind. This just isn't fair. I mean come on it was "simple" conversation. I feel less whole. Am I too weak? Did anyone else feel like this, how did you handle it??
Add that to general loneliness and I got myself one of those longest days of my life day.
I find myself going to busy places, staying around crowds, still feeling lonely. I dread going back to my apartment.
One day at a time. :'(
Title: Re: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: confused on April 20, 2010, 10:30:04 PM
Post by: confused on April 20, 2010, 10:30:04 PM
i just had a terrible week similar to that , the only difference that i didn't want or dare leave home
well , what i did is... um , well , fight my strong urge to hide inside a big bottle of booze ,write stuff down , talk to others who i trust (mostly this forum ) about it . and litterely grab myself outa there
good luck :)
well , what i did is... um , well , fight my strong urge to hide inside a big bottle of booze ,write stuff down , talk to others who i trust (mostly this forum ) about it . and litterely grab myself outa there
good luck :)
Title: Re: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PM
Post by: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PM
What was the conversation about?
I sorta think I know what you mean though, sometimes after talking to a therapist or someone I felt horrible after. It's nothing that they said... I guess maybe it was just hard admitting to myself all these things about my life, that I had no friends, no dreams, no hope, nothing. I felt so pathetic, and that I was worthless person. I use to never say anything about myself, just kept my emotions locked up, and when I opened the door just a little it would all flood out :'(. I would blame myself for everything, and all it did was spiral me down into feeling more depressed. I don't really have any advice :-X, just took me time to start having more self-respect, self-acceptance, and confidence. Just don't give up on yourself, most important thing :)
Hang in there :)
I sorta think I know what you mean though, sometimes after talking to a therapist or someone I felt horrible after. It's nothing that they said... I guess maybe it was just hard admitting to myself all these things about my life, that I had no friends, no dreams, no hope, nothing. I felt so pathetic, and that I was worthless person. I use to never say anything about myself, just kept my emotions locked up, and when I opened the door just a little it would all flood out :'(. I would blame myself for everything, and all it did was spiral me down into feeling more depressed. I don't really have any advice :-X, just took me time to start having more self-respect, self-acceptance, and confidence. Just don't give up on yourself, most important thing :)
Hang in there :)
Title: Re: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: Kay Henderson on April 21, 2010, 02:49:27 PM
Post by: Kay Henderson on April 21, 2010, 02:49:27 PM
As someone whose age can be measured in rings. like on a tree trunk, I can offer this:
Never define yourself (or let others define you) by where you happen to be at a moment in time.
We all go through countless changes...some within our control and some not. At any number of points in my life, someone might have said I was this or I was that - and that person would have been right. But it didn't mean I always had been or always would be. How many friends we have today is no measure of how many we may have next week or next month. If we can't connect socially, are we doomed never to do so? Not at all.
I was me at 14, at 18, at 25, at 35, at 45, and so on...changing and learning every step of the way. I'm a better me now. But I look back and wonder how I did it. Socially awkward, lazy, undisciplined, having no particular goals... I have to own that part of me. I'm not proud of it, but it has nothing to do with who I am today.
It sounds trite, but you really don't have perspective until you reach a fairly advanced age. We all have to make the same mistakes and learn the same lessons.
And each of us has value - at no matter what age. We're all works in progress.
Never define yourself (or let others define you) by where you happen to be at a moment in time.
We all go through countless changes...some within our control and some not. At any number of points in my life, someone might have said I was this or I was that - and that person would have been right. But it didn't mean I always had been or always would be. How many friends we have today is no measure of how many we may have next week or next month. If we can't connect socially, are we doomed never to do so? Not at all.
I was me at 14, at 18, at 25, at 35, at 45, and so on...changing and learning every step of the way. I'm a better me now. But I look back and wonder how I did it. Socially awkward, lazy, undisciplined, having no particular goals... I have to own that part of me. I'm not proud of it, but it has nothing to do with who I am today.
It sounds trite, but you really don't have perspective until you reach a fairly advanced age. We all have to make the same mistakes and learn the same lessons.
And each of us has value - at no matter what age. We're all works in progress.
Title: Re: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: SilverShadow on April 21, 2010, 03:48:59 PM
Post by: SilverShadow on April 21, 2010, 03:48:59 PM
Karla,
The same thing happens to me every now and then. Talking to people about totally random things causes this once in a while. I'm sorry can't offer any advice. I just wanted to say that you're not alone with this.
This mirrors my own experiences. I guess it's all about having to hide oneself...
Seconded. :)
Hang in there, Karla. Things will get better. :)
The same thing happens to me every now and then. Talking to people about totally random things causes this once in a while. I'm sorry can't offer any advice. I just wanted to say that you're not alone with this.
Quote from: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PM
It's nothing that they said... I guess maybe it was just hard admitting to myself all these things about my life, that I had no friends, no dreams, no hope, nothing. I felt so pathetic, and that I was worthless person. I use to never say anything about myself, just kept my emotions locked up, and when I opened the door just a little it would all flood out.
This mirrors my own experiences. I guess it's all about having to hide oneself...
Quote from: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PM
Just don't give up on yourself, most important thing :)
Seconded. :)
Hang in there, Karla. Things will get better. :)
Title: Re: Sanity in Jeopardy
Post by: Karla on April 21, 2010, 11:22:21 PM
Post by: Karla on April 21, 2010, 11:22:21 PM
Hey, me again.
*edit: phew! new day, better outlook. I guess all the negative just erupted at once for what must seem like nothing. It's best I deal with it now, if it's there then it's there right? I knew it ain't gonna be no box of chocolates.
* Did I hear... Chocolates?!! :D
I agree that we should regard ourselves as works in progress, and we are in so many ways.
Tell me about the booze, sadly it only amplifies my emotion (and then you pass out, yuck :icon_redface:) :embarrassed:
My only escape lately has been to just burst in a torrent of tears regardless of where I am, who I'm with or around..
But we're here now. :)
*edit: phew! new day, better outlook. I guess all the negative just erupted at once for what must seem like nothing. It's best I deal with it now, if it's there then it's there right? I knew it ain't gonna be no box of chocolates.
* Did I hear... Chocolates?!! :D
Quote from: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PMI've had (a hard) time to think, and I'm probably not in a very objective state, but it may very well be that. I know well that feeling when you open up to somebody but maybe a tad too much, it's like losing a little part of yourself, or something...
What was the conversation about?
I sorta think I know what you mean though, sometimes after talking to a therapist or someone I felt horrible after. It's nothing that they said...
Hang in there :)
Quote from: Kay Henderson on April 21, 2010, 02:49:27 PMThank you!
Never define yourself (or let others define you) by where you happen to be at a moment in time.
We all go through countless changes...some within our control and some not. At any number of points in my life, someone might have said I was this or I was that - and that person would have been right. But it didn't mean I always had been or always would be. How many friends we have today is no measure of how many we may have next week or next month. If we can't connect socially, are we doomed never to do so? Not at all.
+
I agree that we should regard ourselves as works in progress, and we are in so many ways.
Quote from: Lia on April 20, 2010, 10:30:04 PMOh my, Lia... if I could just reach out through this Internet screen wall thing.
i just had a terrible week similar to that , the only difference that i didn't want or dare leave home
what i did is... um , well , fight my strong urge to hide inside a big bottle of booze ,write stuff down , talk to others who i trust (mostly this forum ) about it . and litterely grab myself outa there
good luck :)
Tell me about the booze, sadly it only amplifies my emotion (and then you pass out, yuck :icon_redface:) :embarrassed:
My only escape lately has been to just burst in a torrent of tears regardless of where I am, who I'm with or around..
But we're here now. :)
Quote from: SilverShadow on April 21, 2010, 03:48:59 PM
Hang in there, Karla. Things will get better. :)
Quote from: Katelyn-W on April 20, 2010, 10:44:34 PMThank you both. I'm trying. I wish I had your confidence.
Hang in there :)