Susan's Place Transgender Resources

   I have G.I.D, and am currently confronting it now. I'm 19. I had my frst therapy session a few days ago, and ever since then I have been submerged in obsessive thoughts about my G.I.D. Before it was this uncomfortability and I would come up with defense mechanisms to mask my gender dysphoria, but now I've been facing this head on, mentally anyway. (I've been feeling good and bad about all this, each feeling an extreme..Socially I haven't been holding back so much in my behavior. I just let myself naturally flow. So that has been one positive impact on me since my first session.)
I plan on talking to my therapist about this on Wednesday, but i wanted your input as well!
I recently went into a clothing store to try on girls clothes. I immediately felt this feeling of relief puting them on, and looking at myself in the mirror at certain angles justified my feeling inside. (It's weird how clothes can affect a person mentally.) Anyway, I also felt a sense of freedom and comfort by gazing into the womens section in general; At all the decorative bracelets, clothes and such. I don't think I could ever pull off a female though. My face is just masculine and i'm awfully depressed about it. But then I thought realistically about transitioning and realized..
I could never do this! (well not instantly, but a day after. The thought of transitioning sounds amazing)  I have an 8 yr old sister who would definitely not understand this sort of thing.. I'm her only brother.. How could I possibly take that away from her? I would die for my sister, as well as my mom. And i'm my mothers only son. I just have to say, i'd die for either of them before I put them through some sort of psychological rollercoaster that effect the rest of their lives.
Then I thought about some of the threads on here where certain people who have transitioned have sons, daughters, and even wives!
It just sounds ridiculous to me! I mean, i've been suffering for so long... And if causing others suffering is the only way to relieve my own, i don't think I could ever do it.

I know this is a pretty harsh thing to say, but this whole lack of consideration when you have kids and such prior engagements is just too much when it comes to transitioning.

I think kids need their father, and they need their mother.. Just like my little sister needs the big brother she knowes and loves. Turning into a female on her is not only confusing but potentially damaging to her concept of my loyalty to her as a male figure in her life. I mean.. I've always been myself.. I just have no idea how this would affect her in the future, and i couild never take the risk I don't think.

Unfortunately, if i transitioned I'd wait till i'm much older.. But at the same time, I don't think I could survive being stuck in this body now that i'm facing my problem.. My anxiety has been so much worse..  So you all know again, I am planning on talking to my therapist about this-- but I am curious about your own experiences with how your transition has impacted relatives you care about.

Surely it's just as selfish to have everybody around you never know the real you? Constantly lying to them and masking how you really feel. I think this is especially true for those transitioners who have wives or husbands....what kind of a relationship is it really if the person they are with is a complete fabrication?

I spent years in denial and doped stupor trying to avoid transition. My family had basicaly thrown me away for being such a loser. When I came out to them it all made sense to them and some claimed they saw it coming or even one who said 'I knew you were trans I was wondering if you would ever figure it out'.!?! I admit that my experiance is not the norm, but never count your friends and family out until they walk away.
You shouldnt stretch this hell out for longer than you have too. Your sister and mother do not have any claim over your life. You do have some responsibility they are your family but your transition should not even be negotiable.
Please take care of this while you are young, you will be surprised at what transition can do. Look for before and after pictures of those who have gone before you. It is uncany how much HRT alone can do, and if HRT is insuficent then FFS is an option.
You have to take care of yourself before you can care for anouther.

As one who has (ex)-wives, siblings, children and grandchildren, who have followed me through my transition from male to female, I can tell you that it isn't a walk in the park, but it isn't impossible.

It takes time, patience, and communication on both your part and the part of those who are in your life.

They may feel blindsided by the statement that you are trans.  After all, you probably have kept this as your innermost secret.  They never had a clue that you would have these thoughts or feelings, but you have had years to come to terms with it.

But they can come to terms with the idea that *you* haven't changed.  Only the outside.  The feelings and experiences of the person within are the same.  It isn't suffering if you are healing and they will be able to see that.

It isn't lack of consideration when you have suffered to the point of suicide and decide to live.  It is lack of consideration to kill yourself trying to be something others think you should be, not who you really are.

BTW: I would have posted just a little sooner, but I had to change my granddaughters diaper first.  And her five year old sister understands that grandma Sandy started out as a boy and thinks that I look much better without the beard.

-Sandy

Actually for your sister, she would likely take it very well, for young children, they see things like transformations and magic all the time, television, games, books etc.  A person going from boy - girl wouldn't seem too "odd" for her I don't think.

Just some food for thought.

Quote from: Sandy on April 25, 2010, 09:35:48 PM
As one who has (ex)-wives, siblings, children and grandchildren, who have followed me through my transition from male to female, I can tell you that it isn't a walk in the park, but it isn't impossible.

It takes time, patience, and communication on both your part and the part of those who are in your life.

They may feel blindsided by the statement that you are trans.  After all, you probably have kept this as your innermost secret.  They never had a clue that you would have these thoughts or feelings, but you have had years to come to terms with it.

But they can come to terms with the idea that *you* haven't changed.  Only the outside.  The feelings and experiences of the person within are the same.  It isn't suffering if you are healing and they will be able to see that.

It isn't lack of consideration when you have suffered to the point of suicide and decide to live.  It is lack of consideration to kill yourself trying to be something others think you should be, not who you really are.

BTW: I would have posted just a little sooner, but I had to change my granddaughters diaper first.  And her five year old sister understands that grandma Sandy started out as a boy and thinks that I look much better without the beard.

-Sandy

Sandy, your post was very warming to me.
Hahaha...to uh open up a bit..I used to cry to my mother about my gender when I was in like 1st or 2nd grade. 
   But like you said it has become such a deep secret.
Thank you for your words.

Quote from: Rhalkos on April 25, 2010, 09:45:19 PM
That's a very hetereocentric viewpoint.
Kids need people who love them. It doesn't matter what gender they are.

I agree. (even though it was completely off topic)

Quote from: Rhalkos on April 25, 2010, 10:27:37 PM
Perhaps that's part of your issue with transition; your personal perspective does not allow you to see transition as a viable option.
If that's true, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your personal perspective.

From my perspective: I have trouble respecting personal perspectives that reinforce heteronormativity. In my opinion, two mothers or two fathers are equally valid family units, as are single parents of any gender identity, or more than two parents of any gender identity.

Come on now, have your simply derragtory posts worked in the past? Like, has anyone ever stopped you and been like: Thank you so much for this knowledge I already understand but enjoy being reminded of! Have a kit kat bar!  :D..... :-X Like really?

I agree, but I think PERHAPS you are completely off topic and need to re evalutate your perspective on personal perspectives, or at least re consider your inflexible perspective because as liberal as your ideas are they come from tunnel vision and are triggered by your pessimism on the meaning of what i say.   :) Jk.. alittle, but that's my impression since you've selectively deleted my posts. Especially since my post paradoxes the, what appears to be, negative claims(but are subjective ones even initially), giving them angles in meaning that you apparently can not entertain the thought of.   

I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse. I was a fool to ignore it.

Pam

Quote from: pamshaw on April 25, 2010, 10:42:18 PM
I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse. I was a fool to ignore it.

Pam

Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 25, 2010, 10:55:16 PM
Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

To second Pam, if you are transsexual, why make yourself suffer for years until you finally break down? When you have a partner and kids? If your loved ones are your concern, don't you think this will hurt them more the longer you drag it out? As has been mentioned above, your little sister may be better equipped to deal with this now than when she's a teenager and worried what her friends will say.
Only you know when the time is right for you, but I'm saying if hurting your family is your concern, you may be looking at it the wrong way.

projecting a little bit here sorry: but imo you have to live your life for you, not for anyone else. try to tell them they aren't losing you, you are still you. you'll just look different =) if this is something you really want then go for it, it will be slow but if it will make you happier in the long run then follow Nike's advice and "just do it!" :) good luck hun, i know we'll all be here for you!

(btw i am the same age 19 ^^)

I just wanted to make a reply for you real quick too Torn.

Forgive me as this won't be in depth and probably fragmented BUUUTTT. . . when I was 19 I was exactly where you were.  (despite the 8 year old sister detail but. . .).  I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I look so disgustful and masculine and I felt that I was hopeless in any aspect of transition.  I went on HRT and was trying so hard to see changes that I just couldn't accept myself and pretty much just work with what I have for now.  I mean... there's always time in the future for FFS and stuff if I want to get it.

I also thought my parents would never understand what I was going through.  I also believed that they could not discern the outcome of like taking hormones and this whole transition deal.  And I mean, they still are accepting it and working through it. . . but they are trying really hard and they know exactly what I'm doing, my expectations, and my timeline. 

In short. . . everything tends to work itself out with time.  Don't hate yourself for what you can't be or for who you can't convince or change.  Time can solve a lot of problems and give you the confidence to succeed.  Just take it one step at a time, relax, and enjoy life.

Nero: Hope you didnt get the impression I had kids or a partner! I was just considering other situations. (i think you took that as my future self though)
nevermind, i don't know what to think right now. Thank you for responding thought, I guess i'm just really damn sad and i have a lot of self hatred not only for my physicality but what's inside it as well. Meaning, i don't even care about my happiness anymore. I think i'm starting to give up and would rather focus on my sister then my self. I don't have the confidence in my being happy once I transition, so maybe that's where posts like these are coming from. My insecurity.
It's like I blame myself for being born a boy,
so ridicoulous..But thank you anyway.

shanetastic: *edit* I just saw your post after i posted this.
That was really nice of you to explain thank you. It does make me feel somewhat better; i just don't know, I don't know.. argh. I seriously look in the mirror and get so much anxiety and yeah i pretty much cry myself to sleep all the time. And at work and school I have trouble not exploding into tears. god...
I just don't know what todo. I feel this way ALL THE TIME, so it's at the point where I'm so heavily burdened by the reality of my looks and being profiled as a guy all the time taking that first step feels so difficult.. i feel like i need to drop school, my bills, quit work and be put into a mental hospital.. THEN i might be able to relax.

And judging by your picture shanetastic you definitely don't have a face like mine.. I am way too masculine, not only that but i think I am very ugly..

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 26, 2010, 12:11:30 AM
Nero: Hope you didnt get the impression I had kids or a partner! I was just considering other situations. (i think you took that as my future self though)
nevermind, i don't know what to think right now. Thank you for responding thought, I guess i'm just really damn sad and i have a lot of self hatred not only for my physicality but what's inside it as well. Meaning, i don't even care about my happiness anymore. I think i'm starting to give up and would rather focus on my sister then my self. I don't have the confidence in my being happy once I transition, so maybe that's where posts like these are coming from. My insecurity.
It's like I blame myself for being born a boy,
so ridicoulous..But thank you anyway.

shanetastic: *edit* I just saw your post after i posted this.
That was really nice of you to explain thank you. It does make me feel somewhat better; i just don't know, I don't know.. argh. I seriously look in the mirror and get so much anxiety and yeah i pretty much cry myself to sleep all the time. And at work and school I have trouble not exploding into tears. god...
I just don't know what todo. I feel this way ALL THE TIME, so it's at the point where I'm so heavily burdened by the reality of my looks and being profiled as a guy all the time taking that first step feels so difficult.. i feel like i need to drop school, my bills, quit work and be put into a mental hospital.. THEN i might be able to relax.

And judging by your picture shanetastic you definitely don't have a face like mine.. I am way too masculine, not only that but i think I am very ugly..

Dear Torn,
I feel your pain and hope that one day it can be helped. I also new from a very early age that I am female. Sadly the era and the city (Liverpool UK) was different when even an ear ring on a 'man' would be bashed as a poofter.

I intended to live and come out as me when got to Australia. I fell in love with another woman. I told her everything, and  was happy for me to live at home as Cindy but not outside and I respected that wish (mainly, we did go out together occasionally). But GID never goes away. It doesn't matter how we look or sound no matter how 'manly' we appear. You can make remarkable changes in your physical shape and looks. I personally know a 6 foot 5 inch TG who is stunning, but she has had to work on it.  We all have to work on it, but take small steps. You might get some comfort from a TG social club, you can find one in your area on the internet, you don't have to go dressed but they are understanding people who may help your thoughts.

One thing that is true, GID doesn't go away. You have to find a way of coping. Sadly depression and drugs are ways that some of us have. Please don't go that way. If you are feeling depressed go to your family Dr, even if you feel you cannot discuss GID you can get help for the depression.  I'm sure you don't know but we lost a dear member last week Carina, she couldn't take the family rejection and finished it. Many of us have been close to the edge, and maybe I'm feeling overtly emotionally sensitive, but do get some help. Crying yourself to sleep is not an answer. Despair is not an answer. Moving forward is an answer, and we are here to help at any time in any way we can.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

Torn1990

You can only be YOU and if you try to be anyone else all you will do is end up hurting others.

There are two ways to transition... the first is to do it early in life, before you have involved outsiders like girlfriends or whatever. When you are young, particularly at college or uni, you have the opportunity to transition gracefully and gradually in a planned manner. That is the sensible thing to do.

Unfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it. They will make a noble sacrifice of their lives for others around them. Only problem is it very rarely works out like that. There may be a FEW exceptions but they are few.

In my experience almost all of them fail, and of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what? - so that they and those around them never have to face the uncomfortable truth. That isn't noble in my view it's a sad lie, almost an admission of lack of moral courage to face reality - sorry if that sounds a bit harsh to anyone but that is my feeling.

What generally happens when people hang on like that is that the feeling gets stronger and stronger over time until eventually the dam breaks - and inevitably it always happens just at the very worst possible time, right when you mother has just been diagnosed with cancer, your first child is having problems in school, your wife is suffering from depression, you have lost your job - or whatever.

Reality is YOUTH is a gift - it is the one time when you can do something like this without causing too many major trauma's. I'm not saying it will be easy, but trust me on this it is a whole lot easier than trying to resist.

So how will it affect your relatives - well like any other change there will be a time of adjustment. They may take time, but the reality is that most families come to accept it in time because the love you and want you to be happy - and if they see that you are then they will accept it for your sake. In the short term many people find that families become a bt difficult - but look again after 5 years of more and most families have adjusted and things are fine.

Bottom line again - it will affect them far less at this stage in you life that it will if you leave things till you are older.

Finally - you worry about how you will succeed in looking good. Trust me - it happens. I've seen the most unlikely looking eople starting out, and if they accept the help and advice that is on offer 99% of them eventually make a satisfactory transition. Worry less about that now, of course you can't see it yet because you haven't seen what will happen as you beging to do simple things like changing hairstyles, learning to apply makeup in a subtle way, altering you clothing style to empahsise your good features and disguise you bad ones. These are things that those few of us who were lucky enough to actually grow up pretty much as girls learnt in our early teens - you have to learn them now, but you can!

So my advice - take the counselling - listen to what they say - and listen to what YOU say to them. HEAR your own words as you speak them. Do NOT imagine that the feeling will ever go away because it won't. Then make your choice and having made it, be happy with whatever you do and work hard to make it right for you.

Hi Torn,

Oh to be 19 again.  I was married and had a child at 19.  I was doing what I thought everyone wanted me to do, even though I knew better.  By the time I was 54 I had been married and divorced three times. separated from my four children twice. 

I am not the prettiest girl here, nor one of the tallest (5' 10"), but I am happy now.  Your little sister might not understand now, but she still loves you and you her.  That is the important part.  And she might surprise you and be your biggest supporter.  Don't think you will scar her for life, she might just show you that there is a bond that no one can break between you two.

And a Plus is that you two can go through puberty together, as sisters.  ;D

QuoteUnfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it.....

........ of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It :o just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what

Hey I resemble that statement   :o  :o  ;D

Quote from: Stacy_O on April 26, 2010, 09:10:48 AM
Hey I resemble that statement   :o  :o  ;D

Seriously - no offense meant to you or anyone else that I have not met - I can only speak of the people that I HAVE known, and all of them have been drained and damaged to some greater or lesser extent by the herculean effort that they have had to put in simply to avoid transition.

All of which just fills me with tremendous sadness and pathos when I see the beautiful people they could have been and probably still could be if they could only find a way out of their self imposed prisons!

I just don't think it is the right way forward for MOST people - there are probably a few exceptions - but most people are going to be the rule and not the exception.

No, I was not offended at all, I do identify with the statement you made, and agree with what you said. Once you are older and find yourself with family and childern and are entrenched in the community finding yourself no longer able to hold it together as that person they all think you are is not good.

The thing I fear is when I have kids. Im an FTM so my plan is to freeze my eggs and then when im ready get a surrogate mother, insert my egg and partners sperm and have a kid that way but I feel bad that my child/children will never have a mother. They'll have two dads which will be normal to them but it will be a little wierd for me and my partner. This concept sometimes holds me back but I cant live a life that feels wrong to me. Yes there will be a few cons of transistioning but in the long run its about how you feel and what you need. Some people may be hurt but thats life I guess. Your sister may enjoy having a big sister. Someone she can look up to and aspire to be like.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 25, 2010, 10:55:16 PM

Quote from: pamshaw on April 25, 2010, 10:42:18 PM
I tried living a lie for years. It will never work. You have GID and it won't go away; it will only get worse.

Ugh Pam... Thank you..I'm empathetic towards what you say..
I definitely see this inevitable sadness in my future.

Not really. The way I read it, Pam's point was that trying to deny it will only make things worse -- the only way to get on with your life is to accept that you have GID and, well, get on with your life.

The way you deal with it is something only you can decide. Everyone else, including us, your family and your therapist, can offer advice but there is so much variation in how GID manifests that only you can know what's the right path for you. The main thing is to be honest to yourself. However it goes, it will be a long process, so it might be good to start with looking at the various options. That may include asking how your little sister feel about it.  :)

And you can do it, never doubt that.

  Nfr

I wore my sister's clothes since I was like 7 or something....At 37, I can honestly tell you the feelings don't go away.  You can mask them, hide them, put them aside for some period of time, but they don't go away - at least not for me anyway. 

I was married, and divorced (not due to GID reasons) and after accepting it and not fighting it can I live in some peace even though I'm not yet full time.

Just my $.02.....

I can only second what others here have said about the difficulties going through all this later in life brings.

I put up with severe depression, off and on for 40 years or more, and have finally said enough! Progress will be slow due to financial limits, but at last I know who I am, and have a lot of answers to questions that plagued me for a lifetime. In the meantime I can study the GG's and see how they do things.

I am sure too that the people I cared about suffered due to my depression, and worried about where it would lead.  If transition had been offered to me, or in fact been available here in my late teens, I am sure everyone would have been saved a lot of needless worry.

Quote from: rejennyrated on April 26, 2010, 02:21:54 AMYou can only be YOU and if you try to be anyone else all you will do is end up hurting others.

Unfortunately what most people do is make the mistake of thinking that they alone out of all the thousands who have had this condition will be the one to beat it. They will make a noble sacrifice of their lives for others around them. Only problem is it very rarely works out like that.

In my experience almost all of them fail, and of those who do manage to cling on somehow I have yet to meet one who does not have a deforms twisted or stunted personality in some way. It just takes up so much of their emotional and spiritual energy finding ways of coping - and for what? - so that they and those around them never have to face the uncomfortable truth. That isn't noble in my view it's a sad lie

that is so very true, and I always have to think how much good can you be to anyone when you're so miserable yourself? How much help and support can you be when you're aching inside? How much love can you share when you detest the very body you dwell in? I really wish other people could see that sometimes, but as many people as think they are making a noble sacrifice for those around them, how many of those around them fully expect them to do so? That's what I have run up against- people thinking I'm somehow being selfish for not wanting to walk around feeling suicidal all the time.

As justmeinoz said, I know for a fact that others suffered due to my own internal misery, so I was making no sacrifice. I was causing harm to others, and now I'm not.

For your mother it will be hard, your sister may not quite understand it fully but will more then likely be ok. Kids are very understanding, they are not nearly as closed minded as adults and teenagers. It doesn't matter what you wear or how you act to a child as long as you are still the person they like. Reassure her that your still the same person and she should be ok. In the end as much as it will hurt them all they really want is for you to be happy. Thats all any loving family wants.

Also i don't think leaving it would be beneficial at all. It will just cause you more pain which they will see and in turn hurt them. whether you do it now or in 30 years inevitably you will have to tell them.

I just go for things and deal with the consequences. If its something that i need to do then i do it because in the end we only get one chance at life and we don't know how long it's going to last.

I used to believe what you have been thinking..."I have a mother who needs me, my father, my sister, my brothers. Then later on the same mantra continued, "I have my wife to think about, my daughter, my son etc."

I believe that these feelings are just marred in guilt and shame. It was only later in therapy that I realized that it is healthy for all of us to live our lives authentically and without fear of reprisal and rejection. Today, I still have my relationship with my children, many wonderful friends and my wife Julie. Those people who need to live that life of shame and guilt left themselves behind and out of my life. Since I refused to be the person they NEEDED and WANTED ME TO BE, they left me. This was their choice.

Listen closely to the lyrics and watch as Pete Townsend sings, "Give Blood". It may strike the same cord within you as it did me.

Quote from: FairyGirl on April 27, 2010, 07:08:44 AM

As justmeinoz said, I know for a fact that others suffered due to my own internal misery, so I was making no sacrifice. I was causing harm to others, and now I'm not.

Me too. I caused others much more pain by trying to cope with substance abuse and other self-destructive methods. My family is now much happier with the transsexual me than with the 'before' picture.
And of course there are other not so obvious ways of coping that hurt others too.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 25, 2010, 09:02:08 PMI have an 8 yr old sister who would definitely not understand this sort of thing.. I'm her only brother.. How could I possibly take that away from her? I would die for my sister, as well as my mom. And i'm my mothers only son. I just have to say, i'd die for either of them before I put them through some sort of psychological rollercoaster that effect the rest of their lives.
Then I thought about some of the threads on here where certain people who have transitioned have sons, daughters, and even wives!
It just sounds ridiculous to me! I mean, i've been suffering for so long... And if causing others suffering is the only way to relieve my own, i don't think I could ever do it.

Would these people for whom you would suffer and even die for want you to do so if they knew what you were going through?  Is it better to be with someone who is miserable or happy?  Does your sister love a male person called a brother or does she love you?  Is being true to yourself "putting" anyone through anything or is it just a reaction on their part to get you to live your life the way they want you to live it?  How long do you think this "roller coaster" ride for them would last?

QuoteI know this is a pretty harsh thing to say, but this whole lack of consideration when you have kids and such prior engagements is just too much when it comes to transitioning.

Is living a lie being considerate?  Is being someone you were guilted into being the better way to live one's life?

QuoteI think kids need their father, and they need their mother.. Just like my little sister needs the big brother she knowes and loves.

Many kids are raised in single parent homes without any damaging effects.  Many kids are raised in same sex homes without any damaging effects.  Many kids grow up without any brothers or without any sisters.  What makes your family different from them that you being true to yourself would cause any damage?

QuoteTurning into a female on her is not only confusing but potentially damaging to her concept of my loyalty to her as a male figure in her life.

First of all, you are not doing anything ON or even TO her. 

As far as confusing, if she was raised to believe there are only males and females and that never changes, she will be confused.  It's up to you to teach her there's a whole gender continuum out there and that gender is fluid, not rigid. 

You feeling disloyal is your stuff, not hers.

QuoteI mean.. I've always been myself.. I just have no idea how this would affect her in the future, and i couild never take the risk I don't think.

From what you've written here, you have not always been yourself but rather what people expect you to be. 

Kids are very adaptive.  It's when we get older that we get stuck in our ways.

QuoteUnfortunately, if i transitioned I'd wait till i'm much older.. But at the same time, I don't think I could survive being stuck in this body now that i'm facing my problem.. My anxiety has been so much worse..  So you all know again, I am planning on talking to my therapist about this-- but I am curious about your own experiences with how your transition has impacted relatives you care about.

If you wait til you're older more masculinization will take place.  Much of it will be irreversible.

Waiting can also take an emotional toll on you that would be far worse than any "consequences" you may suffer from transitioning now.  For those who are truly TS, waiting is like allowing water to build up behind a dam.  Eventually it will become too much to hold back and the dam will burst.  Damage at that point could be far worse than doing something now.

The most common emotions we seem to have come from guilt and shame.  We are being selfish.  Being TG and letting your loved ones know is the same as doing something horrible to them.  It's always about us hurting them.  Are they being selfless for asking us to suffer in silence just so that they don't have to face the fact there are people who are TG?  Is it fair to keep them in the dark about who you really are just because no one ever taught them being TG is okay?

I carried all that junk for years.  I didn't transition until my family left me.  Then after I transitioned some came back.  And you know what they tell me now?  They like the "new" me better.  I'm happier and at peace with myself.  And I'm a lot better to be around.  All that junk I carried was all my stuff.  Once I let it go, I started to live life as I always should have.  It took me 56 years to get there.  Today I wonder what was gained by waiting so long because I can't see anything positive that came out of waiting.

 ..therapy went horribly... oh god i just want to die

Oh noes!!!
This is just a set back. Not a game ender.
So what went on?

Quote from: cynthialee on April 28, 2010, 10:02:45 PM
Oh noes!!!
This is just a set back. Not a game ender.
So what went on?

i guess i half expect her to have a magic wand.
i want to kill myself
i cant do this anymore.
i need help but no one can help me
theres no point in helping me anyway because i dont even want to make this disgusting male body of mine happy.
my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

You want to die in the wrong body or work on getting the right one?

my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

If that's the way you feel and think, then that's the way its going to be and the way its going to go down.  However, it does not have to be that way.  But that requires change on your part to find something worth doing, and a reason to keep on living, or, in your case, starting to live.

I would like to ask, in all seriousness, why has your life been a waste?  The way things are now, you are aware of the possibilities for moving out of the dark. There are all sorts of options, have you explored all of them? Or even some?

Secondly, why should your future be a waste?

Death is so final, and it will come to us all in time. Why not enjoy your time here, and help those around you enjoy their life with you? If the situation was different, and it looked like you were going to be in a wheelchair, they would still love you regardless.

  I am sure your little sister would be heart broken to lose you, and as others here have said, kids are truly amazing at cutting through the BS to what is really important.  I  fathered 2 myself, and watched how they grew up.They can cope with as much as they can understand, and the rest is just ignored until they are a bit older and do comprehend.

Quote from: Torn1990 on April 29, 2010, 01:24:25 AM
i guess i half expect her to have a magic wand.
i want to kill myself
i cant do this anymore.
i need help but no one can help me
theres no point in helping me anyway because i dont even want to make this disgusting male body of mine happy.
my life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.
the only type of freedom i want is death.

That is silly talk and of no help to you. You haven't told us what happened. Please do. Your life has not been a waste and the future is unknown, so why the gloom? You have an awesome life in front of you. And guess what? It is up to you to take it by the horns and shake it into the life you want. Giving up is not an option. Living the life you want is the option. Now stop the selfish doom and gloom and tell those silly little grey cells to step forward and be alive. We are all here for you. You are not alone in this in anyway.

Hugs
Cindy

It can be fixed. You just need to do some work and reach out for help. You have alot of us really worried about you right now. We are a family, we all suffer from the same hell, when one of us dies we all die a little. You can help us make the world a better place just by surviving and allowing yourself some joy. GID is very much the hellish thing but it isnt worth checking out for, especialy now in the modern era. We have medical fix's for this problem.
I know life sucks in this moment, but you can whoop GID and move on.

Quotei want to kill myself

Please if you are reaching out for life everyone, literally EVERYONE will help you!  You are not a waste you are not alone!  It is possible to go on!

We have lost too many of us already!  Do not extinguish the the light of your life!  You will harm many more than yourself if you do this.  The world is not better off without you!  It is enriched because of you.

As one who has been touched by this tragic act, I feel for your pain very deeply.  We all want you to survive.  If things get dark please call suicide prevention: 1-800-273-8255

Quotemy life so far has been a waste, my future will be one to.

It's not all unicorns and rainbows, but your future is much brighter if you stick around.

Quotethe only type of freedom i want is death.

That isn't freedom.  Oblivion comes for us all.  There is no need to hurry it along.  Please!  PM me if you wish.  We do care!

-Sandy

Quote from: cynthialee on April 29, 2010, 09:16:07 AM
It can be fixed. You just need to do some work and reach out for help. You have alot of us really worried about you right now. We are a family, we all suffer from the same hell, when one of us dies we all die a little. You can help us make the world a better place just by surviving and allowing yourself some joy. GID is very much the hellish thing but it isnt worth checking out for, especialy now in the modern era. We have medical fix's for this problem.
I know life sucks in this moment, but you can whoop GID and move on.

thank you. i felt this flicker of warmth from that when i read it in class. but my feelings are so stale right now.
oh god..
back from school
work at 2:30
go home.
im just going to do that.  im not going to think anymore
i apologize. i'm acting so psychotic. i don't know what i feel right now.
i really want to kill myself. i really want to. i don't know what to do.
if i contact someone and tell them then i wont have a chance
but if i do it, then its done. i wont exist.
which is what i want. god... but i'm a creep i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here i dont belong here. (radiohead. i feel like the creep, and the she in that song. i just want to drown in it.)
i even told my therapist i wanted to. she just seemed to look at me, ask a bout it
and then changed the subject. no one cares she just wants my damn money
i feel like people only care because they have to
but deep down they just want me to get it over with to.
so they can move on. wow...i'm reading this, and i'm starting to sound like the person
i never truely understood but felt so much empathy towards, but now i get it.

Hey Torn glad to see a response. So it is obvious that you may have some stress going on. It does get to a person but we have to fight back. It would seem that your therapist is not going to work for you. Move on now and find someone who will listen. Perhaps she has a peer you can work with?
I really hope that you take the oportunity to fix this. You will not get it over night but 'nothing good is free', so it is said.
I have been to that place where I was searching more for the strength to kill myself than I was a solution to the problem.
As to your claim that noone cares. We do. The people who come to this site daily and suport eachother are here specificaly to prevent suicides in the comunity. Don't be a statistic.
It wasnt 7 months ago I was where you are right now. I wanted death, but I found the will to live and transition. Mainly just by talking to people who also have GID. Stick around, it will be worth it.

I sent you a PM if you haven't seen it yet.

Please talk to us.

-Sandy

You can have some samples of your sperm frozen. The technology to enable a transwoman to carry a child is going to become a reality within your life time. Maybe in 15-20 years you can be carrying a child of your own flesh. Pretty wild, and the neat thing is that this not a pipe dream but an eventuality.
Anyways, I also felt my family would regect me. Even my ubber religious Cousin who is an elder in his church is ok with me.
My experiance is not everyones but it can happen. I think it has alot to do with how we come out how people will recieve the news.