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Title: Gender Refugee
Post by: Refugee on November 14, 2006, 02:16:34 PM
Post by: Refugee on November 14, 2006, 02:16:34 PM
I've been lurking around here for the past couple days sorta taking it all in, more or less understanding myself but trying to figure out how to put it into words. I wrote most of this off-line and just realized I forgot to mention I'm 32 and an aspiring MtF, I think.
I think what I'm most, at least at the moment, is a gender refugee. Maybe I can explain that so it makes sense to more then just me.
I've more or less known I wasn't a boy since at least five or six, maybe sooner. I'm sure the thoughts had always been there, it was just a matter of how to express them. The few things I swiped from my mother, on a dare, proved to be the outlet I needed. Eventally I was caught, I'll spare the details to keep this post short and its not like we don't all know the routine anyways. For the longest time, I thought that was the end of it and it didn't resurface until I was 11. Truth is, it just drove it underground, broadened my horzions if you will. My mother's thing's were off limits to me, but I had female friends and a female cousin. I passed the time trying on their things when I could, sometimes with their permission, sometimes without.
As for the rest of my childhood, my memories are scattered as to when they happened; in terms of before I started crossdressing or after. I do remember my female cousin and I painting our nails together, it was the peel off kind of nailpolish so we had to be quite young. I was never afraid to wear it home or otherwise out in public and my mother was always kind enough to let us paint her nails. I played equally with my cousins, they were the same age as I was, but I got along better with my female cousin. Oddly enough, when my boy cousin and I played games that required a girl, I played the girl. I do remember once in third grade sleeping over at my cousins house, I'd forgotten my pyjamas, somehow I talked my cousin into letting me borrow one of her nightgowns. Keep in mind I paraded around in the nightgown in front of the rest of her family as well.
I first told my parents I wanted to be a girl when I was 13. Their response was to shop me from therapist to therapist in order to cure me. I can't blame then, they thought they were doing the right thing and this was the late 80s. Every now and then, I'd get caught crossdressing in high school. I'd tell the therapist again about how I wanted to be a girl, and they'd promptly tell me I was just confused and didn't know any better. Despite everyone's best efforts, I held firmly on to the belief that I was better off as a girl throughout most of college. I started going to the GLB, there was no T back then, group at my college, with a friend of mine, as a "supporter". As far as anyone knew it was just a social outlet. It didn't take too long before I openly identified as a gay man. It seemed like most of my thoughts and feelings finally had an outlet. I was sure of myself becuase my crossdressing stopped all together.
I was happy with my new found identity until about 1998. All my old feelings hit me like a ton of bricks in April. I promptly got myself to a therapist, said all the right things and had hormomes by October. The next year of my life was a disaster. I spent money I didn't have on clothes I rarely wore, a therapist that I finally realized saw me as a cash cow and an MD that followed an archaic HRT schedule; I worked through my transition with all the grace of a bull in a china shop and generally made a mess of myself. My attempt at transition finally ended in January of 2000. I'd like to think it was anything but the fact that I was just impatient with myself The truth is, I look back at pictures from that era of myself and see how easy it would have been to go full time if I'd just tried a little harder. The truth is I was afriad.
I entered the next phase of my life, I refer to as my "gender indifferent" years. I didn't try to be much of anything, male or female. I went back to identifying as a gay man and promptly fell in love with my best friend, who unfortunately for me happened to be straight. Mostly my life for the past six years has been phases, I've gone through crossdressing phases, I've even gone so far as to take hormones in two seperate phases. Truth is as I write this, I can't say I've ever been upset about the effects the hormomes have had on me and my body. I know there are those of you who cringe as I talk about my rather recreational use of hormones, but its my past and I can't change it, I only hope you won't judge me for it.
Near as I can figure I act like a boy and feel like a girl. I never would have imagined the course my life would have taken, but I have alot of "boy" interests. I work as a Paramedic, a rather masculine job. I love hockey, the outdoors, the list goes on. I like who I am, I dont' know that I like the way the world sees me. One thing that came out of my aborted transition was a strong sense of identifying myself as a tomboy. I think that, to me at least, explained alot of my struggles and my feelings. Not being a boy was the answer, but I didn't see myself as the girl I was trying to be either. For better or worse, I think being a tomboy kept me from transitioning earlier, I could some how manage to survive as a boy if only for so long.
So how do I get from "gender indifferent" to "gender refugee"? I thought my attraction to my straight best friend was just a fluke and besides I'd pretty much reassured myself he was just a closet case anways. Nope, near as I can figure he really is straight. If my straight boy attraction was just a one time deal, I could write it off that way, but its not. I've more or less lost all interest in gay men and most of the gay culture. Straight boys, I'm perpetually attracted to. Maybe its just another phase, but I'm tired of being attracted to someone who's not attracted to me. I don't live in a fantasy world that says I'm going to come through this and score a boyfriend and live happily ever after. But if I don't at least make sense of this, there will always be a part of my life I'm not living.
I think what I'm most, at least at the moment, is a gender refugee. Maybe I can explain that so it makes sense to more then just me.
I've more or less known I wasn't a boy since at least five or six, maybe sooner. I'm sure the thoughts had always been there, it was just a matter of how to express them. The few things I swiped from my mother, on a dare, proved to be the outlet I needed. Eventally I was caught, I'll spare the details to keep this post short and its not like we don't all know the routine anyways. For the longest time, I thought that was the end of it and it didn't resurface until I was 11. Truth is, it just drove it underground, broadened my horzions if you will. My mother's thing's were off limits to me, but I had female friends and a female cousin. I passed the time trying on their things when I could, sometimes with their permission, sometimes without.
As for the rest of my childhood, my memories are scattered as to when they happened; in terms of before I started crossdressing or after. I do remember my female cousin and I painting our nails together, it was the peel off kind of nailpolish so we had to be quite young. I was never afraid to wear it home or otherwise out in public and my mother was always kind enough to let us paint her nails. I played equally with my cousins, they were the same age as I was, but I got along better with my female cousin. Oddly enough, when my boy cousin and I played games that required a girl, I played the girl. I do remember once in third grade sleeping over at my cousins house, I'd forgotten my pyjamas, somehow I talked my cousin into letting me borrow one of her nightgowns. Keep in mind I paraded around in the nightgown in front of the rest of her family as well.
I first told my parents I wanted to be a girl when I was 13. Their response was to shop me from therapist to therapist in order to cure me. I can't blame then, they thought they were doing the right thing and this was the late 80s. Every now and then, I'd get caught crossdressing in high school. I'd tell the therapist again about how I wanted to be a girl, and they'd promptly tell me I was just confused and didn't know any better. Despite everyone's best efforts, I held firmly on to the belief that I was better off as a girl throughout most of college. I started going to the GLB, there was no T back then, group at my college, with a friend of mine, as a "supporter". As far as anyone knew it was just a social outlet. It didn't take too long before I openly identified as a gay man. It seemed like most of my thoughts and feelings finally had an outlet. I was sure of myself becuase my crossdressing stopped all together.
I was happy with my new found identity until about 1998. All my old feelings hit me like a ton of bricks in April. I promptly got myself to a therapist, said all the right things and had hormomes by October. The next year of my life was a disaster. I spent money I didn't have on clothes I rarely wore, a therapist that I finally realized saw me as a cash cow and an MD that followed an archaic HRT schedule; I worked through my transition with all the grace of a bull in a china shop and generally made a mess of myself. My attempt at transition finally ended in January of 2000. I'd like to think it was anything but the fact that I was just impatient with myself The truth is, I look back at pictures from that era of myself and see how easy it would have been to go full time if I'd just tried a little harder. The truth is I was afriad.
I entered the next phase of my life, I refer to as my "gender indifferent" years. I didn't try to be much of anything, male or female. I went back to identifying as a gay man and promptly fell in love with my best friend, who unfortunately for me happened to be straight. Mostly my life for the past six years has been phases, I've gone through crossdressing phases, I've even gone so far as to take hormones in two seperate phases. Truth is as I write this, I can't say I've ever been upset about the effects the hormomes have had on me and my body. I know there are those of you who cringe as I talk about my rather recreational use of hormones, but its my past and I can't change it, I only hope you won't judge me for it.
Near as I can figure I act like a boy and feel like a girl. I never would have imagined the course my life would have taken, but I have alot of "boy" interests. I work as a Paramedic, a rather masculine job. I love hockey, the outdoors, the list goes on. I like who I am, I dont' know that I like the way the world sees me. One thing that came out of my aborted transition was a strong sense of identifying myself as a tomboy. I think that, to me at least, explained alot of my struggles and my feelings. Not being a boy was the answer, but I didn't see myself as the girl I was trying to be either. For better or worse, I think being a tomboy kept me from transitioning earlier, I could some how manage to survive as a boy if only for so long.
So how do I get from "gender indifferent" to "gender refugee"? I thought my attraction to my straight best friend was just a fluke and besides I'd pretty much reassured myself he was just a closet case anways. Nope, near as I can figure he really is straight. If my straight boy attraction was just a one time deal, I could write it off that way, but its not. I've more or less lost all interest in gay men and most of the gay culture. Straight boys, I'm perpetually attracted to. Maybe its just another phase, but I'm tired of being attracted to someone who's not attracted to me. I don't live in a fantasy world that says I'm going to come through this and score a boyfriend and live happily ever after. But if I don't at least make sense of this, there will always be a part of my life I'm not living.
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Laurry on November 14, 2006, 05:36:09 PM
Post by: Laurry on November 14, 2006, 05:36:09 PM
Hey Refugee, Welcome to Susan's.
Sounds like the therapist you had didn't help you out too much. Some of them are just not what we need at the time (and others are, let's say, less than competent).
Tomboy sounds like a good description, but have you considered that maybe you are not TS, but rather Androgyne? There are several of us here that don't think of themselves as Male, but also don't think of themselves as female...just some of each to a varying degree. I have no way of knowing your situation, but it may be worth considering. (Ok, enough of the part-time counselling and full-time recruiting)
Anyway, welcome to Susan's and enjoy your stay.
......Laurie
Sounds like the therapist you had didn't help you out too much. Some of them are just not what we need at the time (and others are, let's say, less than competent).
Tomboy sounds like a good description, but have you considered that maybe you are not TS, but rather Androgyne? There are several of us here that don't think of themselves as Male, but also don't think of themselves as female...just some of each to a varying degree. I have no way of knowing your situation, but it may be worth considering. (Ok, enough of the part-time counselling and full-time recruiting)
Anyway, welcome to Susan's and enjoy your stay.
......Laurie
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Jillieann Rose on November 14, 2006, 07:32:55 PM
Post by: Jillieann Rose on November 14, 2006, 07:32:55 PM
Hi Refugee,
Welcome to Susan's a refuge for us gender different people. That is differnet from what the world is.
I'm one of those Androgyne people that LauieO metioned. And I agree you do sound like you could be a Bi-gender then again maybe not. Anyway it won't hurt to check out Androgyne fourm. We who are androgyne vary greatly, some of us are a mix and other are almost 2 people in one.
I'm glad to meet you Refugee.
Can I just call you Gee for short it sounds less formal?
You can call me either Jillieann or JR if you like.
:) :)
Jillieann/JR
Welcome to Susan's a refuge for us gender different people. That is differnet from what the world is.
I'm one of those Androgyne people that LauieO metioned. And I agree you do sound like you could be a Bi-gender then again maybe not. Anyway it won't hurt to check out Androgyne fourm. We who are androgyne vary greatly, some of us are a mix and other are almost 2 people in one.
I'm glad to meet you Refugee.
Can I just call you Gee for short it sounds less formal?
You can call me either Jillieann or JR if you like.
:) :)
Jillieann/JR
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Ricki on November 14, 2006, 08:49:21 PM
Post by: Ricki on November 14, 2006, 08:49:21 PM
Hi Gender ref..
very interesting story "yes" i read the whole thing, lol....
My attention span is not that good i think?
anyway where was i oh..
saying that number one thanks for sharing and i appreciate reading and hearing everyones tribulations.
You story sounds similair yet a little different, I do not know what to make of things, maybe the above girls/ guys offered good advice???
Are you now not transitoning? How close did you come?
do you go out dressed or style more tomboyish?
Were you in arelationship with a girl and it flopped out?
?'s of sheer curiosity that's all look forward to your reply
Oh and welcome to Susan's..................
Ricki
very interesting story "yes" i read the whole thing, lol....
My attention span is not that good i think?
anyway where was i oh..
saying that number one thanks for sharing and i appreciate reading and hearing everyones tribulations.
You story sounds similair yet a little different, I do not know what to make of things, maybe the above girls/ guys offered good advice???
Are you now not transitoning? How close did you come?
do you go out dressed or style more tomboyish?
Were you in arelationship with a girl and it flopped out?
?'s of sheer curiosity that's all look forward to your reply
Oh and welcome to Susan's..................
Ricki
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Refugee on November 15, 2006, 03:21:58 AM
Post by: Refugee on November 15, 2006, 03:21:58 AM
I get the sense that in trying not to write an entire book of my life up to this point, I might have left out a few important points.
Androgyne is an interesting possibility, mostly becuase my two closest friends from my transition years more or less aborted their transitions as well, one is essentially a non-op while the other I would mostly consider an androgyne. I think what I was trying to say in my opening post, and maybe the point got lost somewhere, I've been known to do that, is that I don't really know what the answer in my life is right now. I feel like something is missing, I don't quite know what that something is.
I'm not the girl I think I was trying to be during my aborted attempt at transistion. I think someone asked how far I got with it. While I never went full time, I did manage to reach a relatively androgenous point between the clothes I was wearing and the hormones I was taking. There's that word again, Androgyne, but then again its 4 AM and I just got home from work.
I'm not actively transitioning, at the moment, but anyone IRL that knows of my past knows I never really got over it, I just pushed the feelings aside. The big question is who am I now? The only answer I know is "I don't know". That's why I'm here, I'm trying to figure it out. I know what the symptoms are, I just wish I knew what was causing it. Then I could figure out how to fix it, I guess.
When I reach the end of my journey, hopefully the life I'm supposed to be living will make sense to me.
Androgyne is an interesting possibility, mostly becuase my two closest friends from my transition years more or less aborted their transitions as well, one is essentially a non-op while the other I would mostly consider an androgyne. I think what I was trying to say in my opening post, and maybe the point got lost somewhere, I've been known to do that, is that I don't really know what the answer in my life is right now. I feel like something is missing, I don't quite know what that something is.
I'm not the girl I think I was trying to be during my aborted attempt at transistion. I think someone asked how far I got with it. While I never went full time, I did manage to reach a relatively androgenous point between the clothes I was wearing and the hormones I was taking. There's that word again, Androgyne, but then again its 4 AM and I just got home from work.
I'm not actively transitioning, at the moment, but anyone IRL that knows of my past knows I never really got over it, I just pushed the feelings aside. The big question is who am I now? The only answer I know is "I don't know". That's why I'm here, I'm trying to figure it out. I know what the symptoms are, I just wish I knew what was causing it. Then I could figure out how to fix it, I guess.
When I reach the end of my journey, hopefully the life I'm supposed to be living will make sense to me.
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Mia and Marq on November 15, 2006, 03:49:42 AM
Post by: Mia and Marq on November 15, 2006, 03:49:42 AM
Hi Refugee,
First off I want to say I'm one of those Androgynes(I know, we're coming out of the woodwork) but forget I just said that because what I say next is whats important.
If you're looking for who you are here. You're probably in the right place. What you should do is read as much of the stuff on here as you can and you'll quite possibly start to find some similarities with others that will get you asking yourself even more specific questions. I think if you stick with it, your journey will take some new and positive directions.
Feel free to ask each of us as many questions about ourselves as you want so you can draw further similarities. I would encourage you to check out as many of these different sections as you think apply and good luck with your journey.
One last thing, welcome to Susans. We're happy to have you here, and remember we're here to help as much as we can.
-Us
First off I want to say I'm one of those Androgynes(I know, we're coming out of the woodwork) but forget I just said that because what I say next is whats important.
If you're looking for who you are here. You're probably in the right place. What you should do is read as much of the stuff on here as you can and you'll quite possibly start to find some similarities with others that will get you asking yourself even more specific questions. I think if you stick with it, your journey will take some new and positive directions.
Feel free to ask each of us as many questions about ourselves as you want so you can draw further similarities. I would encourage you to check out as many of these different sections as you think apply and good luck with your journey.
One last thing, welcome to Susans. We're happy to have you here, and remember we're here to help as much as we can.
-Us
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Refugee on November 15, 2006, 06:55:28 AM
Post by: Refugee on November 15, 2006, 06:55:28 AM
Quote from: Jillieann/JR on November 14, 2006, 07:32:55 PM
Can I just call you Gee for short it sounds less formal?
You can call me either Jillieann or JR if you like.
:) :)
Jillieann/JR
Of course I did some checking and Madison seems to be a rather happily gender neutral enough name. Not that I'm committing to the androgyne camp, but I can take it along whatever path I choose to follow.
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Laurry on November 15, 2006, 09:13:30 PM
Post by: Laurry on November 15, 2006, 09:13:30 PM
Hi Refugee.
Never meant this to be a recruiting section...LOL
Marq and Mia posted one of the best welcomes I have seen...I absolutely couldn't agree with it more. This is the right place to learn about who you are...it's happening to me every day. Ask questions, read every section, find out how others feel about themselves, and things will begin to come a little more in focus.
Amen!
......Laurie
Never meant this to be a recruiting section...LOL
Marq and Mia posted one of the best welcomes I have seen...I absolutely couldn't agree with it more. This is the right place to learn about who you are...it's happening to me every day. Ask questions, read every section, find out how others feel about themselves, and things will begin to come a little more in focus.
Quote from: Refugee on November 15, 2006, 03:21:58 AM
When I reach the end of my journey, hopefully the life I'm supposed to be living will make sense to me.
Amen!
......Laurie
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Mia and Marq on November 16, 2006, 01:29:45 AM
Post by: Mia and Marq on November 16, 2006, 01:29:45 AM
LaurieO,
Again you grace us with your kind words and we started to blush. Thank you for your compliment.
Refugee,
I hope you're starting to dig in to the rich wealth of posts here and getting ideas on how to proceed with your journey. I had noticed you were making a lot of posts right off, getting involved quick. Thats good. Keep up the good work. We look foward to read your posts as we come across them.
-Us
Again you grace us with your kind words and we started to blush. Thank you for your compliment.
Refugee,
I hope you're starting to dig in to the rich wealth of posts here and getting ideas on how to proceed with your journey. I had noticed you were making a lot of posts right off, getting involved quick. Thats good. Keep up the good work. We look foward to read your posts as we come across them.
-Us
Title: Re: Gender Refugee
Post by: Ricki on November 16, 2006, 05:59:03 AM
Post by: Ricki on November 16, 2006, 05:59:03 AM
G-Ref!
Thanks soo much for your reply and taking the time to answer the questions i asked!
I hope that as the above said you find some things in here to help you on your way and support you!
more later gotta go to work! Grrrrrrrr...........
Ricki
Thanks soo much for your reply and taking the time to answer the questions i asked!
I hope that as the above said you find some things in here to help you on your way and support you!
more later gotta go to work! Grrrrrrrr...........
Ricki