Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yeah, so I came out to my fiancé of 5 years today. I felt sick while telling him. xD But basically, he didn't run the other way, so I'm relieved. xD

He's got alot of healthy questions, which I'm trying to address; and we've reached a compromise for this period in time while I seek therapy and he adjusts to the idea. I've said I will not go to extremes such as seeking T or surgery just now, and will seek a therapist, and he will deal with my friends referring to me as male, my binding and packing [I've been asked not to pack around him, though, coz it will weird him out, which I understand at this point, so its a compromise I can make for now] , and general use of male clothing etc. And I will still present as female to his family/friends, and at work etc. Its pretty cool, anyway, since my friends know/see him more than his friends know/see me, so I don't mind. xD It may help his adjustment a little, who knows.

I think I softened the blow of this extra step I'm taking by warning him in the past that I was a little 'confused' about my gender at the time. He knows I love him, and it changes nothing about how I act with him [since I was never particularly feminine anyway with him xD I mean, geez, we beat each other up in playfights every week, as well as attend the same martial arts class and treat each other the same. xD] A close friend of mine had said before all this, we seemed like a couple of boys anyway. xD

He's been so accepting at this point that its not quite sunk in my head yet. xD I'm waiting for some sort of bomb to drop... >_>

Congratulations and welcome to your new life. I am sure you will have ups and downs between you and him over this but his initial reaction is promising.
I think that coming out to a spouse or life partner is the hardest of all. (IMHO)

Quote from: cynthialee on May 24, 2010, 09:19:19 AM
Congratulations and welcome to your new life. I am sure you will have ups and downs between you and him over this but his initial reaction is promising.
I think that coming out to a spouse or life partner is the hardest of all. (IMHO)

Thanks; it was far harder telling him than any of my friends, since I was so scared of losing him to it. I do expect to have a few rough patches over it, but thats the same with alot of things in life with a partner. To be expected, tbh.

I think I'm really lucky to have a guy like him. :) And I'm glad he's staying with a guy like me. ^^ xD

Its quite liberating. :D

So, my fiancé saw last evening I was wearing my Calvins under my PJ bottoms [yes, I'm a slob and don't get dressed unless I'm going out xD]... I was surprised by his reaction! xD

He was all like: 'Ooh... Calvins... Let me see!' 8D [insert silly curious child excited face here] xD And he promptly tried to yank at my PJs to get a better look. xD At which I had to tell him to GTFO because I was turning the roasties in the kitchen. xD

Now, I must say, it was something I REALLY didn't expect him to do! xD Gotta be a good sign, right?

Is he bi? Regardless, he sounds like a fun guy.  (OMG that rhymes)

What are roasties?   :angel:

Quote from: Ruben on June 03, 2010, 08:32:04 AM
So, my fiancé saw last evening I was wearing my Calvins under my PJ bottoms [yes, I'm a slob and don't get dressed unless I'm going out xD]... I was surprised by his reaction! xD

He was all like: 'Ooh... Calvins... Let me see!' 8D [insert silly curious child excited face here] xD And he promptly tried to yank at my PJs to get a better look. xD At which I had to tell him to GTFO because I was turning the roasties in the kitchen. xD

Now, I must say, it was something I REALLY didn't expect him to do! xD Gotta be a good sign, right?

That's fantastic. XD Sounds like he's taking things quite well. 83

It's awesome that he seems to be dealing with it so well.

Quote from: natalie rene on June 05, 2010, 11:03:14 AM
Is he bi? Regardless, he sounds like a fun guy.  (OMG that rhymes)

What are roasties?   :angel:

As far as I'm aware, he's not bi. So thats sort of a worry for me. But I'm trying to go one step at a time with him. So far, not bad. :) And roasties is my name for roast potatoes. xD

Yea, thanks guys; right now it seems to be okay, but it *is* only the short term. I've not got my hopes high for an easy ride at all, since life's not like that. xD

Fingers crossed, eh?

Okay, momentary disaster; I told him about the options available to people in my position, and DID mention that I don't want to go for surgery due to reasons rooted in the past, and explained the effects of T through the use of a leaflet online, and he [as expected tbh] decided he didn't want me to change physically. =_= He made it clear that he doesn't ever want to leave me [which was my biggest fear] BUT, he said that if I ever went on T, he wouldn't be able to guarantee if he'd like the results. :( I suppose I expected this, but had wished for at least a little glimmer of hope.
It might have been too soon since coming out to overload him with this info, but I guess I've just been looking for where I stand with him.

Asking the rest of you guys/gals on here; do you think all is lost? Or is it simply going to take time? Any advice for me/him at all?

If you can stand to take things very very VERY slowly, as slowly as he needs, then do that. Make sure he knows it. Make sure he feels like an equal partner in your decisions.

I couldn't do that, and my relationship fell apart. I fought the gender stuff for almost twenty years, the whole time I was with my partner. When the dam broke, it broke in a big way, and things moved pretty fast after that. He couldn't handle it. Maybe your guy can, if you take it easy and go slowly.

I think it is the best reaction you can hope for really. It was very honest of him to say that he may not like the results. I don't think he would be in a position to promise something he may not be able to keep.

I think you have a chance. He is willing to work at it with you. It won't be for lack of love if you guys split.

Good luck dude!

i think he sounds nice. and the fact that he's not covering up or trying to hide from you how he feels about it is good.

honesty and communication are the cornerstone of a solid relationship. if i were you, id rather an SO who was uncomfortable with the idea but willing to talk about it than one who tried to "spare you" his feelings on the matter.

just try to keep the honesty and communication going. if you do, there's a good chance that even if you have to split, you can keep him as a friend.

Last night, a promising thing happened:

I leaned off the edge of our bed, on my front, to get the side lamp on [its on the floor because we're SEVERELY lacking in furniture] xD, and he decided to half-pants me and said 'There, now youre a proper bloke; got a builders crack and everything' xDD Then i got up and punched him in the kneecap xD

Now, the way I see it, analysing his tone, he wasn't mocking me at all, just playing, AND, when thinking about it, if he was entirely uncomfortable with my situation, he wouldn't be comfortable even mentioning it while making a joke like the above. :)

Or thats the way I read it anyways. xD

That sounds promising, Ruben. I wish you luck! :)

Quote from: natalie rene on June 05, 2010, 11:03:14 AM
Is he bi? Regardless, he sounds like a fun guy.  (OMG that rhymes)

Yes, I can see this relationship mushrooming already.

Funny I made that very same plumers crack joke to Sevan the other day. (except I didn't pants hir.)
S/he seemed to take it right and made hir smile.

That's great!  It sounds like he's taking it really well.  Just take things slowly and let him adjust.  Good luck! :)

So, I shall expand on my 'coming out' journey by adding my parents to this thread to save starting another.

I went home to my parents house yesterday [still there right now, as a matter of fact] on a visit for my sister's birthday. I had taken with me a tool I was planning on using to bring up the subject of my situation; my letter of referral to a psychiatrist.

So, I waited til my sister had gone up to her room, and til my dad went into the kitchen to make dinner, and I was left in the living room with my mum while watching the England vs Algeria match with a beer in hand. :) I brought out the letter and showed it to her, and when she asked why I had been referred to them, I mentioned I had 'the depressions', and that I'm just 'a barrel of laughs, me!'. :p Then she asked how she would go and ask about depression, since she suspects bipolar in herself, so I gave her advice in that regard, which opened the topic nicely. I said I had been diagnosed with moderate-severe depression and that I'd refused meds since we think we know the problem. And when she asked about that, I took her back to a few months ago; I had explained to her that I felt in the wrong body and stuff like that then. This time, however, I mentioned that its causing me some distress and that I'm seeking help for my 'issues'. When I asked her if she understood me and what I meant, she replied with [and sorry, I fear only Brits will understand this reference] "Yeah; you're like Hayley in Coronation Street, only the other way around, if you know what I mean." And it was said with a small smile, probably more coz she proved she understood what I was going on about in ways that was relevant to her, xD

Anyway, she seemed to take that quite well, and I took it a little further, starting on the topic of names. I said to her that years ago, even before all of this, I had issues with my given name, and how it felt like a mouthful of sand when I had to say it, and how it made me cringe a little inside when I heard it, and that I had preferred the name I would have had if they knew I was a boy.
When I said this, she said "what, Aaron?", to which I replied 'yes', and I saw a little smile in her eyes with an almost retrospective look in her eye. I said it felt better, and even my friends agree that it suits better. She didn't take it badly at all. :)

I went on to mention I was getting a fertility test soon [since that will help me plan out my life a little more depending on the result, since I do want kids at some point] and that since I was on chemo 2 years ago, it gave me a relevant point of enquiry to use to ask my doctor to arrange a test without hesitation. Chemo is a valid excuse to doubt one's fertility. xD And then we chatted on that for a bit.

Then dad came in and we resumed the match on TV. xD

Later on, I was up in my sister's room [used to be our shared room], and my dad comes up and asks me about the chemo I was on, since my mum was getting it muddled up in a discussion they were having. xD So I went downstairs and set her straight, and it turns out it was the topic since mum told dad what I had told her earlier [which was actually my plan all along xD] and he had also taken it really well at this point; no sort of funny looks, no patronising comments/glares, no different ANYTHING. :) Mum even started talking about what she and her sister would have been called if THEY were born boys, and then we were all talking about family names in general. xD Had a good long convo and a laugh, and the atmosphere was pretty warm. :)

[Oh, and by the way, I had come out to my sister a couple of weeks back, and so she knows as well, and she didn't bat an eyelid. xD She even asked me "you expected me to be weirded out, didn't you? xD But, well, I'm not, coz that's just me. xD" I love my lil sis. ^^]

Promising? :)

YAY!
(oh and I am an American and I know about the soap Coronation Street although I doubt many others do)