Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am a 30 year old FTM who is in a relationship with an older woman...
In the beginning of our sexual relationship I pleasured her pretty much exclusively, because I am shy about my body.  I don't know how to navigate that part of myself, so I am dominant... please her all the time, you know?
Lately she has started to want to touch me more (my breasts - i was binding with a tight sports bra for sleeping and she took it off and I froze) and I am trying to let her and relax about it but last night during sex she started talking about what a beautiful body I have (and she was on top, which I didn't like either)... my hips, breasts, etc, and I felt super uncomfortable and had to stop.

When I talk to her about trans issues she doesn't really seem to get it.  She is a self identified lesbian, but she doesn't get that I am NOT a woman.  She is turned on by my maleness, or used to be, but now she wants to ->-bleeped-<- a lady???  Anyways.. sex.
How do you guys out there handle stuff like this?

If I was with someone who insisted on objectifying my womanly traits I wouldn't be able to do it at all. This is the exact reason I refuse to date lesbians.

If you spoke to her and she's still doing it I don't know what to suggest, sorry man. Seems like she was just lying before and wanted a girl all along

You might have to find someone else. Talk to her more about it, try to get her to understand.

Despite your telling her you are FTM she may just see you as butch and not really male.  Talk to her about it but if she still sees a woman... not gonna work well.


Jay

I don't see how she could see a woman.  I am living full time as male, packing, binding... I pass EASILY.
it all changed when I tried to relax a bit with her
I'm super sad about this

I'm sorry but if she doesn't love you for who you are the relationship can not work out.

That being said perhaps she just wanted to be intimate with you and pleasure your body as well.  You could show her how you pleasure yourself and have her do it for you for example.

Don't assume without talking to her.  Try to find a compromise. 

I was going to post something similar to this...
Im basically in the same boat, older lady, identified as lesbian...
Except we haven't done the sex part until a couple days ago, and she was the one doing it.
We took it slow &I fully came out to her after the fact.
I stopped her in the middle, I told her I would stop her if she did something wrong. And she did at first, but that's not why I stopped her.
She did a great job of making me feel like a guy though.

In the beginning, I told her the binder was never coming off.
Why, because I never wanted her sujecting my body as a female's. Esp that part of my body, the lower part im more ok with.
And so far I've kept to that, but I've also started becoming more comfortable with her &opening up.
Which scares me cause I start to think maybe it'll be okay to take it off, but then I remind myself once I let her see that side of me there's no turning back.
She's tried touching my chest, and I hate it, but at least I feel ok cause I have my binder on.

You opened up to her, &she took advantage. She treated you as a female &that's a big no no. She obviously doesn't understand that you are a guy &your body needs to be treated like one.

Im pretty sure she sees you as a woman, which is why she's with you.
So either have a serious talk with her, inform her about your trans status &what you like/don't like when it comes to sex, and if she won't respect you/your body &try not to make you feel uncomfortable then you should look for someone else.

I had the girl im seeing read some stuff on trans after we did stuff lol after. I had been telling her that I've been really needing to tell her something really important about me but I just couldn't find the words to say it. Then she got it out of me &we talked and she read. And she said but this doesn't answer what I want to know, how do you guys have sex. And I answered that's more of a personal thing of what each person likes &their level of dysphoria. So I just talked to her about it, so far things are good.

But don't be sad,
*hugs*
If she can't accept you for who &what you are, then she doesn't deserve to have you.
You let go with her, and she didn't treat you right, she disrespected you.
You should let her know.

I know I know MTF boards are in the other direction...
gonna give my 2cents anyways...
If Sevan had not been able to adjust to my transition in the bedroom department and treat me like a lady instead of a guy it would not have worked. It would have become a platonic marriage.
As we have had a relationship for years I can and do ignore certain stuff I may not much like just because its ok in the long run, and Sevan is actively trying to be a good mate.

If she can't treat you like a man, you gotta go. Sexualizing you as female can not be doing you any good. I know I hate it if I feel like I am being sexualized male, I don't imagine it is much diferant on the other side of the coin.

Insist on your gender being honored. It is one of your rights, especialy when sex is involved.

Agreed with what others have said. If someone doesn't see you for who you are then the relationship won't work.
The best thing to do during sex is to talk. Let them know what you do and don't like. If you're not comfortable with something, tell them why.

Me and sex don't really get on. I'm so damn horny at the moment, but sex just makes me feel worse. I never take my binder off, and always feel really emasculated during sex. I don't like girls touching my body and often do all the pleasuring.

I've been considering drawing a face on my right hand. It's the closest I'm gonna get for now.

It doesn't seem like the sex aspect of your relationship will work out. I did date a lesbian identified woman and I was comfortable with her because she respected the language I liked and wanted for my body. My chest was my chest, my dick was my dick. She would respect boundaries like not touching me "down there" unless I gave her the okay. To make something like that work you have to work on language use...what is and isn't acceptable in terms of touching, identity, and what to call body parts.

Heck, butch/masculine identified women have the same/similar problems to what you're saying...it's not exclusively a trans thing.

I always said I couldn't be with anyone who didn't see me as a full man...nothing else...in spite of my body. Yeah I knew I might be looking for awhile for that.

My ex didn't see me as a full guy.

The girl I'm with now is fine with not touching me. When we met, she was fine with the fact that I said I wanted to wait for sex til I trusted her. Once we did have sex, I freaked out a few times when she tried things I wasn't sure if they'd bother me or not but they did, and I told her, and she's cool with not doing those things. I keep my binder on. I've taken it off a few times, but I'm entirely not comfortable with it and she's ok with that. She just wants to make sure I'm comfortable during sex cause she knows the more trusting I am of her, the more stuff we'll try, and the further I progress in my transition, the more comfortable I'll be. When we try things, she knows they won't always be ok with me. But we work through it.

My girlfriends since transitioning have always seen me fully as male. Which is something that's quite hard for me to get my head around when we're in the bedroom. It's great that they see me as male, but then I don't want them to see the parts of me that completely contradict how they see me.

Well...since I recently came out within the context of a five-year marriage, I've sort of felt that it would be really wrong of me to switch things up in the bedroom. He's not gay, and it wouldn't be fair to him to make him think of me as a guy and then expect him to have sex with me. If I want him to eventually respect my gender, I have to respect his sexuality. If I reach a point where I really can't handle pretending to be a "girl" in bed for him, then I'll have to do the decent thing and break it off, not try to get him to be someone he's not.

If I get with other guys later on, they're going to have to be gay-identified from the beginning. I wouldn't be with another straight guy. And if I were straight, I wouldn't be with a lesbian. It's not only a recipe for being seen the wrong way, it's also just plain unfair to them. If I was with someone who I thought saw me as a guy, and then later found out they saw me as a girl...I don't know what I'd do, but I certainly wouldn't just accept that. The relationship would have to end. The only reason my current relationship continues is that it existed prior to my disclosure, so I am the one primarily responsible for our sexual mismatch because I was the one living the lie. If I'm being honest and my partner is lying about his/her sexuality...I don't think I'm under any obligation to be tolerant of that.

At this stage of my transition it would hurt me deeply (and piss me off royally!!) if an intimate partner saw me as anything other than male.  I'm having lower surgery soon, and I would hope that none ever will.  But you never know what people think.

Guys with moobs probably don't mind being touched there during sex, but I'm sure as heck they'd mind if their GF went on about his lovely breasts!

I feel for you, Damien.

Kyril, you're in a hard spot.  I can only thank my lucky stars I got divorced a few years prior to transitioning.  The relationship had been over for years anyway, and no way would my ex ever consider staying together during transition.  He totally freaked out when a therapist (non-trans-friendly) told him he'd been married to a man... when he was seeking help surrounding my transition...

Jay

She made me feel so hot in the beginning. I know she has been with other guys in the past and I assumed she was bisexual when she talked about her relationships with women. I didn't know she identified as a lesbian until recently.  I wouldn't have guessed that.. if she's a lesbian why is she with me?

There is this big part of me that is still grieving that I can't ever just have sex and be completely comfortable with my body and being pleasured. I want that too, but I can't have it because I'm trans.. that sucks.

I'm lonely... really lonely, especially now in this relationship. I'm gonna call it off.

Damien, you can have sex and enjoy being pleasured.  Like the rest of us, it will have to be with the right partner, who understands and accepts us as is.


Jay (celibate for far too long for this very reason).

You really should just sit her down and have a serious talk with her, and explain to her that if she doesn't see you as male and isn't straight for you then you can't be with her. Cause that'll just make things worse for you.

One day you will find someone, someone open minded &accepting, who will treat you/your body right &make you feel comfortable enough to be pleasured. It may seem distant, but it will happen. There are great ppl out there that'll see you &treat you as male. Don't lose hope.

Being lonely, is the worst feeling in the world. Just try to focus on yourself &maybe some supportive friends.
Keep your head up.

I mourn my lack of a male sex life. It bothers me like crazy too. Sometimes it gets to the point I'd rather not have sex at all.

DamienR, I know a lot of lesbian identified women that are attracted to men. Does her sexual orientation define your gender? Does your gender define her sexual orientation?

My personal belief is that being trans and uncomfortable with your body isn't two completely related feelings/ideas. Just need the right situation...

It seems to me that at this point she is wanting to be with a woman.  Her sexual orientation does NOT define my gender, and vice versa. The problem is she wants tits and all that.

I agree that I need the right situation, just don't know where to find it. I thought this was it. I guess I'm confused.

I am going to have a conversation with her.. but I have tried in the past and failed. I just got a new binder in the mail today and her reaction was "to each their own", then she pointed at my hips and said "as long as you don't lose those" and i told her i might, to an extent, when I go on T and she shook her head.

I will have the conversation.

The first girl I was [sexually active] with was pretty supportive of me. But then, I think it was deep down because she was happy I wanted to be a guy - she'd only ever dated guys before me and is dating one now, and I think I was more of a "take the opportunity because it's there" thing rather than a genuine interest. Ain't that a kicker.
Nooowww things are a lot trickier. I actually really like sex with my boyfriend but some days it's hard. He is a straight guy and so of course he's going to idealize the feminine parts of me.

My two cents: By the sounds of it it might be best for you both to move on. It's obvious she wants a girl from her comments towards you when you got your binder alone. You're not a girl and you will never be one, so it's fairest to both of you if you find what you each want and need in a relationship rather than dragging on something that causes discomfort to you.

I am of the opinion that the best lovers for trans folks are bisexual. Just makes it so you can be sure you are properly apreciated.
jmho

Quote from: cynthialee on May 27, 2010, 06:36:56 PM
I am of the opinion that the best lovers for trans folks are bisexual. Just makes it so you can be sure you are properly apreciated.
jmho

I disagree...met too many transphobic bisexuals...pansexuals tend to objectify trans people from what I've seen. I'm in the whole find somebody you like, tell them you're trans at whatever point you feel is needed/safe and see how it goes.

Quote from: cynthialee on May 27, 2010, 06:36:56 PM
I am of the opinion that the best lovers for trans folks are bisexual. Just makes it so you can be sure you are properly apreciated.
jmho

my boyfriend is bi.. or maybe he is pan, he says that he likes people for who they are, not their body.. although he has more of a preference for females.. and I get jealous when he sees a hot girl.. when he sees a hot guy, I dont mind.. funny how it works

Quote from: Elijah on May 27, 2010, 07:04:46 PM
my boyfriend is bi.. or maybe he is pan, he says that he likes people for who they are, not their body.. although he has more of a preference for females.. and I get jealous when he sees a hot girl.. when he sees a hot guy, I dont mind.. funny how it works

I totally get this, if I was with a guy who I could talk sexy men with that would be awesome. The second I hear a "oh she's hot" comment I get all peeved. I can't compete with that.

Quote from: Elijah on May 27, 2010, 07:04:46 PM
my boyfriend is bi.. or maybe he is pan, he says that he likes people for who they are, not their body.. although he has more of a preference for females.. and I get jealous when he sees a hot girl.. when he sees a hot guy, I dont mind.. funny how it works

Quote from: Jeatyn on May 27, 2010, 08:18:11 PM
I totally get this, if I was with a guy who I could talk sexy men with that would be awesome. The second I hear a "oh she's hot" comment I get all peeved. I can't compete with that.

I suspect that this is not related to transsexuality, but simply to your being male.  As a biological male, I have the same thought process: I can assess a male competitor, but an attractive female poses a threat to my relationship with which I am physically and sexually unable to compete.

- N

Get away! She isn't treating you as a guy and she probably takes you as a butchy girl. Don't date women who are lesbian and I don't know how some people do it. If you consider yourself a man, why do you date a girl who is lesbian which obviously means shes attracted to a woman. Just makes the whole story a mess and one of them just gets hurt at the end.

Quote from: accord03 on May 28, 2010, 02:45:10 AM
Get away! She isn't treating you as a guy and she probably takes you as a butchy girl. Don't date women who are lesbian and I don't know how some people do it. If you consider yourself a man, why do you date a girl who is lesbian which obviously means shes attracted to a woman. Just makes the whole story a mess and one of them just gets hurt at the end.

Not always. Just because they identify as a lesbian doesn't mean they don't have some attraction to men and/or masculinity. If she IDed as bisexual she would still be attracted to women but that doesn't make a person's identity less valid. Plus there's a very very fine line between butch and trans.

Quote from: accord03 on May 28, 2010, 02:45:10 AM
Get away! She isn't treating you as a guy and she probably takes you as a butchy girl. Don't date women who are lesbian and I don't know how some people do it. If you consider yourself a man, why do you date a girl who is lesbian which obviously means shes attracted to a woman. Just makes the whole story a mess and one of them just gets hurt at the end.

I think I actually already answered that when I said I thought she was bisexual because she has dated men.  It's not that black and white to me.. I don't have this all together yet. Sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm doing.