Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've met a MTF around my age online, and i've fallen head over heels. I haven't really talked to her all that much, being the shy person, but everything she says i just feel such a connection. Shes kind...nice... not to mention cute. She don't know i'm FTM, or for that matter that i care to talk to her more than 10, 20 minutes every day or so.
I don't want tell her "Yo, I'm an FTM, just thought you'd like to know...can I have your email?" It sounds...you know, like I'm just asking to get to know her better cuz she's trans, like me, which is definitely NOT the situation. How should i go about this? Ask her, then tell her, way later? I don't know how to go about this without being seen as creepy, i've never really fell for anyone i've met in a chatroom, or online.

So a couple of things come to my mind...

Are you presenting to her as male or female?  What does she seem to be looking for?

I have always found it best to be direct in such situations.  If you want something, go for it and have there be no mistake that you are interested - clear but not forceful, intent.  "Hey, I am so attracted to you and would like to get to know you better."

As for when you introduce the fact that you are also Trans, I guess I would say that I am surprised that you did not from the start - unless this is a place where being "out" might be risky.  Again, I come from a place of wanting to be pretty direct so that there is no mistake and if I have stumbled on someone whom I develop feelings for and they turn out to not be compatible, I want to find that out as soon as possible.  Now it comes to a point of "reveal" and you have to accept that she may or may not be into where you are.  My advice, do it soon, and do it in writing - a letter or email that you send to her.  That gives her time to read and think on what you have revealed and said.  Hopefully she will come back with something that is positive and the two of you can then proceed.  If not, wish her well on her journey and do your best to heal from the disappointment.

In your position, I'd kinda be tempted to buy a huge loud hailer and shout it from the roof tops.

One the other hand, I'd be hiding in a cupboard, scared stiff that this person who has won my heart is turned off by who I am.

But rationally, she needs to know. If she looks down her nose at you then she wasn't who you thought she was at all.

If she is who you think she is then she will probably be trying to find a way to scramble down the wires to get to you.

At the end of the day, it's basically the same as these situations alwasy are. You will never know until you tell her. And if you don't you will never know.

I'm presenting to her as male, and the chatpage/website is for young people looking for penpals, or online dating. Its not dangerous to be "out" i just try to not out myself online  :-\ Its bad enough not really being seen as any gender off the web. She's a bit older than me, but i don't really care that much... She's the most lovely thing i've ever seen.
I'm thinking of changing my gender on the site to FTM pre-op. Maybe then i won't have to hold a convo about it.
Another kinda dumb question:
Would you feel the need to question someone you've known online for a few months if they changed there gender marker in there info box? Would you feel offended for having not known the truth about a person you classify as friend?

Quote from: aydan_boy on June 08, 2010, 09:23:51 AM
...
Another kinda dumb question:
Would you feel the need to question someone you've known online for a few months if they changed there gender marker in there info box? Would you feel offended for having not known the truth about a person you classify as friend?

Uh....yea to the first.  As to the second, it would depend on how deep I felt our relationship was.  Sounds like you may be looking for a way to "not have that conversation" with her.  Realize that if you are to proceed with her, that conversation is gonna be inevitable.  She is going to ask and likely probe a bit.  Don't be round about it, do it directly to her is my advice, then change it on your profile after you and she have had your discussion around it.

Some people get all the luck ;)

When I was newly postop I dreamed about finding a friendly FtM to settle down with... I longed to find someone like you... but sadly it never happened. Turns out fate has a sense of humour and despite not really being a lesbian my S.O for the last 22 years has been another MtF.

Now as regards your intended... If she is half the person she should be your gender history should either be of no consequence or a positive advantage, in that at least you will both understand some of the pain and anxt that you have both been through in the past, which makes for a much happier and stronger relationship.

Good luck, and let us know how things pan out.

May I sugest you tell her rather than everyone?

Think about it. You have an identity there. What you've kept back you can share with her. If she likes you then you can take it from there.

But to change you identity to everyone will affect your relationships

I'm assuming she is "out" as MTF, so I think it's only fair you fess up as well.  And actually, I see strong upsides to this dude.  That cuts way down on the trans awkwardness factor.  That's a big positive to dating trans/trans. 

The only possible downside I can see is if she has her heart set on a natal guy and she doesn't have a queer bone in her body.  My opinion is that if you are going to date other trans, you have to have a certain queer tendencies.  And most do, but there are some who know what they want and it isn't trans.

But getting back to my first point, I think it will work in your favor to kiss and tell.

Ehm.. How about a conversation, where you start sheepishly that you have to admit to two things...
Like..
-'I really have to tell you some things...'
-'See, I really like you a lot, but..'
-'Well; see... I hope you don't mind, but.. I'm trans...'

Or something along those lines. That way, you basically leave her out of the equation, while leaving it up to her to make a decision. You're even keeping hér being trans completely out of it. In such a scenario, the clue is that you admit to something, rather than compare to something. The word 'but' is a lot better than 'also,' or 'like you.' :P (That'd be freaky. 'Yeah; I wanna hook up, because I'm also trans, and I like you a lot!' Not a good pick-up.)
Another good thing is to really try to make your text as sheepish as possible. Shuffling feet, blushing, looking down and everything. That way, she knows it has absolutely nothing the do with her, and is your problem you admit to, and are not reflecting on her. The not reflecting bit is what matters, I'd say.
But..

Does she like you back? If you don't know, then you've got two things you're admitting to. Might as well do both in one go. ^-^

If you dont want anyone else on the site you use to know what you are doing, why not set up a seperate Yahoo,etc account to talk to each other?

I often wonder why we don't see more FTM, MTF relationships.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

The longer you hold onto this tidbit of information, the larger it is going to grow, and it will get harder and harder to work it into a conversation. And you really need to have this conversation soon.

Be up front with her. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Riven1 is correct. Nothing ventured nothing gained. JFDI (Jusy F...in Do It)!

Just ask Billy Joel...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL2XpiEuXNQ# (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZL2XpiEuXNQ#)
;D