Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am 18, my friends say i look androgynous, but i think i'm pretty obviously female with my perfect curves. I pretty much was raised as the eldest girl, but wasn't forced to wear many dresses etc.  As a kid i was a little strange, i spent most of my childhood and up until last year believing that i was a lesbian and just liked the company/friendships of guys when it came to hanging out, more than that of girls Because i felt i could 'get them' or bond with them better, like we had more in common, And that was okay.

I remember this one time when i was doing a paper round when i was about 14 or 15, and some guy was yelling at his GF, i believe she slept with someone else or something.. but i walked past and he yelled out "hey dude, you can have my GF because i don't want her". I remember thinking about that so intensely, because it made me feel right and ..safe? (not 100% the right word) being seen as a boy. I was even wearing a partially pink shirt at the time, but i guess i did always wear track pants and shirts growing up.

I have been in a few lesbian relationships, and was with one man.. whilst with him i was very confused because i always saw him as a gay man, and myself a man in a woman's body so his highly religious family didn't know we where gay?.. which didn't quite work out because it was all confusing and we where pretty much incompatible. I ended up with a woman again, and that woman saw me as either Bigender or male, physically female but actually male. I didn't quite know how to feel about that at first, i mean i loved it because it felt right, but i didn't feel 100% because I've been trying to convince myself that i needed to stop deluding myself into believing i was a guy when i was younger. She had a lot of issues when it came to depression though and was heavily into AB and started requiring me to be her "Daddy" more than i could really live with, and i liked that she used male pronouns and saw me as a guy, but she said she loved my feminine body, and knew i sort of did too, even though its really uncomfortable at times. I ended up leaving her because of the way she was into AB stuff, and i just wasn't into it, and we couldn't compromise. :( And i started to doubt that she actually saw me as me and not just a part of a secret fantasy father type figure like from the 'futinari' manga and anime she seemed to e obsessed with...

I was going to give up on relationships, i wasn't ever interested in a  sexual relationship anyways, i mean, i don't think many people would understand the way i masturbate(as if i had a penis, it's always been that way too), and i didn't want anyone to EVER penetrate me.. if any of that where to happen i would want to be the one penetrating, and we all know that won't ever happen for real. I did do my ex (the man) with a strap on, and that was interesting, he said i enjoyed it too much.  But i ended up getting with the woman i am with now, she came onto me really hard and it sort of just happened. But she is a lesbian (also MTF, for anyone who wants to know that), and we've had some discussions about me not feeling like i am "100% female" and we talked about Bigender and transgender.. she is against the idea, and told me she was actually afraid of me coming out to her as only a guy, even though i basically have like 10 times.. and she makes me uncomfortable when she immediately starts touching my breasts and telling me how i should be somewhere in between. But is that how i feel? Physically i think i look like the type of person i would be extremely attracted to, i mean, i'm into girls that look like me... but i don't feel like it IS me.. 'she' is hot.. but not me.. like it makes things very awkward.

I do experience some sort of Dysphoria, especially when it comes to anything sexual. Anything that is sexual i would definitely need to be in a mans body to be comfortable, luckily my partner sort of agrees sexually, although we are pretty uncompatable.. She is a (MTF) lesbian that likes to be penetrated vaginally.. which is actually impossible, but then i don't have the correct sexual organs down their either, but at least we have that sexual connection. Although she wants me to appear female or androgynous, similar to my ex's want. :( I spoke to her a little about how i felt, and talked to her about transitioning FTM, she said she doesn't know if she could be with me if i did because she isn't sexually attracted to men. But that i guess wouldn't entirely stop me. I present more often than not as male, and stopped buying any feminine clothes. And i bind about 75% of the time. If i did with to transition i know that my family wouldn't be too much of an issue because i always did my own thing anyways, even though my father wouldn't really approve, my mother, grandmother  and sisters  would deal with it easily as they already know i present male a lot of the time because i visit regularly. And most of my friends already see me as more male. (not church)

I guess i could live with my body as female.. i'm not really into a lot of body hair, and i'm good at singing with this voice, even though sometimes i wish it was lower in normal conversations or public.
But sexually it's really hard because i CAN'T masturbate the way that feels right, and my GF says things like "i want to lick you out" and i don't let her because i'm not comfortable with that, however if i had a penis i would happily receive a ->-bleeped-<-.

I could wake up and live either way i guess, i mean sex isn't the most important thing in life is it?. And i have grown accustom to this body and living as a female in the world, i may just be saying that because i fought so hard to do a lot of the things I've done, as a female.. like be on the football team, get my black belt in martial arts and going further into training, or not be into boys and other various stereotypical things, not that i'm really stereotypical either way. But i do know inside that if i was actually born male i would be so much more comfortable with everything, and things would've worked a lot better in so many stages of my life.

This is WAY longer than i hoped or planned, so i'll stop there. If you read that.. wow, and thank you. Please help me out?

-Nat.  :P

Hi and welcome Nat  :) Thanks for sharing your story.  I think you will find all the help you need here.

Thanks for the welcome, but i still don't know what to do or feel or even ask. :P

Hey welcome to Susans :)
I'm no expert but judging by what you've said it seems like you've had too many people in your life saying your andro/bi-gendered and so it's making you have doubts about being FTM. Maybe?

 :-\ Maybe, i mean, i think i'm cute as a chick, but it's like having the best rake in the garden shed, when your trying to dig a grave. I feel like i need a shovel. ? I think I'd be more comfortable appearing male on the outside too, but i don't want to risk losing my GF over it..

Hello. I am MTF and my wife is a transitioning androgyn. So I am a familiar with the family politics of a dual transsexual household.

If your girlfriend can not get her head out of her ass it might be time to move on. She has transitioned and insists on her female identity being respected; she has no right to force you into a gender presentation you are uncomfortable with.

Best of luck and welcome aboard.
Cynthia Lee

Hi Nat, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 4800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member. :icon_hug:

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  

Hugs and Love,
Janet

Quote from: Nat on June 09, 2010, 07:53:09 AM
:-\ Maybe, i mean, i think i'm cute as a chick, but it's like having the best rake in the garden shed, when your trying to dig a grave. I feel like i need a shovel. ? I think I'd be more comfortable appearing male on the outside too, but i don't want to risk losing my GF over it..

Not only is that an awesome analogy, it also happens to almost perfectly describe what I feel, too.


That being said, I don't know if I really have any answers for you, but i do know how you feel. I feel a lot of the same things, but I haven't entirely figured myself out, either, so I'm not much help there. The only advice i can really think to offer is that in the long run, feeling comfortable in your own identity and body is probably more important than holding on for dear life to a relationship with someone who won't accept that identity.

Also, don't feel like you have to figure everything out in the blink of an eye. Frustrating as it may be, these things can take time. Nothing wrong with taking some time to explore and think things through. I find that hanging around here has opened my eyes a lot, so stick around-- post and lurk and make good use of the boards as well as the Wiki. It just might help clarify your thoughts and feelings. 83

Quote from: Nat on June 09, 2010, 05:42:53 AMI could wake up and live either way i guess, i mean sex isn't the most important thing in life is it?. And i have grown accustom to this body and living as a female in the world, i may just be saying that because i fought so hard to do a lot of the things I've done, as a female.. like be on the football team, get my black belt in martial arts and going further into training, or not be into boys and other various stereotypical things, not that i'm really stereotypical either way. But i do know inside that if i was actually born male i would be so much more comfortable with everything, and things would've worked a lot better in so many stages of my life.

This is so similar to how I feel.  I can't diagnose you, but I can certainly relate.  All I can suggest is hanging around here and conversing with similar minds.  Read up on FTM, bi-gendered, and androgynous matters.  (You should be able to find all of those here.)  See where you fit best.  Also, therapy would be a good idea. 

Welcome to Susan's!

Well, there's a somewhat easy way to help yourself figure it out.

Since you seem to pass, present as male for awhile. See how you like it.

Welcome.

Wow, i didn't expect anyone else to get how i felt! It's seriously relieving, i have been presenting as more male recently, and everyone i know/that knows me, knows that i am gender Queer.

I see a Psychologist, and have been talking a bit about gender related issues, and she see's me as FTM, which i told her i wasn't sure about, but it's cool for her to use male pronouns, as i don't really have only one set of pronouns that people use at the moment...  there is she, her, hers, his, him, he, ze, zer, zir, zire.. :P I have a pet Axolotl named Zire. Zire is Awesome! <3

My Girlfriend and i had a small talk, but should talk more about it. She said that she had thought about breaking up with me when i came out, but felt guilty about it and still loved me, and that she would try and stay in a relationship with me, even though she would be disappointed.

... This makes me feel a little... yeah. All i know, is that i don't think i'll be sexually intimate with anyone for a while, well hopefully not until i feel comfortable. But i'm not about to break up with her.

Thank you everyone for welcoming me to the 'family', and i hope someone finds something i say useful to them. I already feel good about having the courage to come online and 'forum' stuff.

I don't know that many GenderQueer or Trans* people/places around Perth, My current location. (ish) Does anyone know of any i should check out?

Thanks, Nat.

Perth huh? have you asked the Dragon riders?


Honestly  I have no idea.

??? who?

Quote from: LordKAT on June 10, 2010, 12:31:08 PM
Perth huh? have you asked the Dragon riders?


Honestly  I have no idea.

I think that might be Pern (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragonriders_of_Pern) you're thinking of. (Unless there is a Perth known for its dragonriders, as well, which I am not familiar with?)

However, unfortunately, I'm not familiar with any Perths or the transgender OR dragonrider populations therein.

Perth is like the capital of western Australia.  ;)

well, hola. can't say much that hasn't been said already, but I'm sure you'll find answers here.

Thanks.  There doesn't seem to be any Aussies here? Cept me of course, and  i'm Awesome. 8)

Quote from: Nat on June 13, 2010, 10:33:50 PM
Thanks.  There doesn't seem to be any Aussies here? Cept me of course, and  i'm Awesome. 8)

There's a few around, but it's mostly UK and US centric.

If you were anywhere around the Hunter, or Sydney NSW I could help point you in the right direction - but alas - I don't know squat about WA (It's all mines and beer... right? ;) ).

You could try the FTM Australia site / forums to point you in the direction of offline groups / resources.

Congrats on coming out and tackling the issue. Long but rewarding road ahead.

Well there is a lot of beer.. and hippies.. I think our Queer community is really small.

Nat, I think perhaps our plumbers got mix up. You wanted the fauset and I wanted the drain.

haha, nice one. We should give 'em a call and get a refund and free exchange! :P

Quote from: clairezoey on August 28, 2010, 08:07:01 AM
1 question, do u a preety girl? and how about ur body? got nice hot curve?

only 1 advice, if u want to be a man, make sure u were ugly fat flat women..

if u were average preety women, nice body curve, i suggest u stay as a women..and be lesbian

What stupid, shallow advice. Ignore this.