Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Are there any things that irk you or make you dysphoric that you think is kind of strange?

For example, mine is shopping. It doesn't even have to be clothes shopping. Whenever I go shopping for extended periods of time, I get dysphoric and ornery. If I'm not in and out, I get really ticked.

Anyone got little quirky things like that?

Watching anime makes me really dysphoric. So does binding, actually. I feel less masculine with something pressing on my chest, acting as a constant reminder that it's not how I want it.

I'm usually fine shopping unless someone I find really attractive is nearby. Then I feel like I just want to hide under a rock somewhere. It's hard to be a gay dude when you don't pass at all. I just feel like I look like a butch lesbian... which would be fine if I were one. So when girls hit on me it makes me feel even worse. When guys hit on me it makes me feel terrible as well because they don't see me as a guy, just a weird girl in boy clothes.

I'm sure it's not unusual, but being called ma'am really gets under my skin.

Getting dressed makes me dysphoric.  I haven't worn jeans in about a week because I don't want to see how my butt looks in them.  Instead I'm just lounging around in shorts and showing off my hairy legs, which makes me feel better. :)

Shopping makes me dysphoric too.  I get frustrated because of how I look in the mirror trying things on.  Especially when I keep trying on things that don't fit.

Quote from: LucienOctopus on June 11, 2010, 02:41:03 PMInstead I'm just lounging around in shorts and showing off my hairy legs, which makes me feel better. :)

What a coincidence, I've been doing the same exact thing. XD

But that reminds me of another thing. It's actually the opposite of dysphoria, but if I think I look exceptionally manly in something, I stand in front of a mirror and just stares at myself. I've been known to do this for hours at a time. I guess that means I'm vain. XD

when i see my hips..then it gets bad.

when I see a bio guy who is around my age I get dysphoric because I compare myself to them.. knowing that I look years younger.. and then I think about how they have a penis.. and I get unset and insecure..

also.. seeing my brother is very bad for me.. I love him, but just seeing his small waist, deep voice.. is hard for me.. because he looks SO much like me.. just reminds me that he has what i want.  and he didnt even have to work to get it.

Same as Elijah. Seeing men my age and seeing that they look about 10 years older than me. They look like real men, and not pre-pubescent boys.
I often feel really out of place in mens clothing shops because of this too.

Hips and my ass are another one. I always feel really self conscious about my shape.
Oh, and my hands. They're tiny.

My life in general makes me quite dysphoric too.
I have this belief that if I'd have been born male, I wouldn't have been so miserable around the most important part of my school education. I managed to fluke a decent set of grades, but didn't have the motivation to go any further with my education. I'm now stuck, jobless with only school level qualifications.
I feel like my life hasn't started, and once I'm done with transition, I'll finally be able to be what I should have always been and start my life. But then I'll have missed out on a massive portion of my life, trying to fix what should have always been.

yeah, seeing cis-guys. especially when they're fooling around and everything...i get jealous cause i wish i could be seen as 'one of the guys' and even if i did, it would be awkward and dysphoric for me cause i'd just feel like they could feel my chest even through binding...

Quote from: Elijah on June 11, 2010, 03:04:48 PM
also.. seeing my brother is very bad for me.. I love him, but just seeing his small waist, deep voice.. is hard for me.. because he looks SO much like me.. just reminds me that he has what i want.  and he didnt even have to work to get it.

Same here. I'm really close to my brother, but the last year or so of listening to his voice change and hearing my mom joyfully announce that he's starting to grow a mustche has been... awkward.

Also, swimming. Need I say more?

Quote from: Crow on June 11, 2010, 04:20:49 PMAlso, swimming. Need I say more?

Ugh! Totally agree here!
I used to love swimming (a "Kids Club" employee I was close to used to call me 'Fish') until puberty, even though I couldn't figure out why until a couple of years ago. But going swimming is literally crippling now.
I'm gonna miss out on swimming when I go to Germany. I'm not really phased by it, but I'm afraid the group of people I'm going with are going to ask why. I would tell them I can't swim if they didn't already know I can. :/

I really don't care about a lot of things.
The only thing that I can't live with is female underwear.
But I guess this a really easy problem to solve.
I just wear boy's underwear and that's it!

Oh hay, I just thought of another one. Having long fingernails. I hatehatehate them.

Quote from: Crow on June 11, 2010, 04:20:49 PMAlso, swimming. Need I say more?

i swear the only reason I'm OK with swimming is because I used to compete. if it wasn't for the bug to keep doing it [which i can't, injuries suck] i'd HATE the water - or rather the bathing suit thing, since even shirts don't hide the fact that large tits exist lol.


voice.
I sound like a cute 12 year old little girl.
[if anyone knows how to fix this pre-t PM me please?]

Quote from: Espenoah on June 11, 2010, 02:44:27 PM
It's actually the opposite of dysphoria, but if I think I look exceptionally manly in something, I stand in front of a mirror and just stares at myself. I've been known to do this for hours at a time. I guess that means I'm vain. XD

I've been doing this with my new haircut. 

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Post Merge: June 11, 2010, 07:52:18 PM

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Quote from: Crow on June 11, 2010, 04:20:49 PM

Also, swimming. Need I say more?

Yes, seeing the guys with their shirts off=major dysphoria and envy

For swimming, I wear swim trunks, a sports compression shirt several sizes too small to bind with, and a loose sleeveless polyester sports top over it.  I've passed really well at the beach so far.

Quote from: Espenoah on June 11, 2010, 04:27:05 PM
Ugh! Totally agree here!
I used to love swimming (a "Kids Club" employee I was close to used to call me 'Fish') until puberty, even though I couldn't figure out why until a couple of years ago. But going swimming is literally crippling now.
I'm gonna miss out on swimming when I go to Germany. I'm not really phased by it, but I'm afraid the group of people I'm going with are going to ask why. I would tell them I can't swim if they didn't already know I can. :/

This sounds almost exactly like me. I swear I lived in the pool as a kid. I was so distraught when I hit puberty and my silly swimsuit insisted upon showing off everything I didn't want to show off about my body, so in around 9th grade I got myself a guy's wet suit typoe thing (I dunno what it's called-- basically a T-shirt and shorts made of swimsuit material) to wear over the top of my girl swimsuit, which made things a litle more comfortable. Swimming was never really quite the same as when i was little, though.

Just the other day, I decided to brave it and went swimming for the first time this year (and for the first time since I officially started identifying as trans). The exercise was fantastic, but my chest is kind of embarassingly THERE. Way more than the usual loose shirt and sports bra combo. My old swimsuit is starting to wear out, though-- perhaps this is a good excuse to get something with a little more compression?


Also, voice is a big one for me, too. Probably one of my biggest ones-- I guess it's not an unusual one, though. I rather like my voice, from an objective "does that sound nice or not" standpoint, but I hear myself speaking and I almost have to do a double-take. How is that voice coming out of my mouth?

Clothes that I want to wear but can't or I would look fem even if they are 'guy' clothes. Mirrors, hearing people mess up when you thought they had it down, finding out that you lost a friend or possible friend because someone outed you, finding that someone you thought was a friend did the outing and learning what they 'really think'. Having my personal space invaded without permission. Having people touch you to check out if you are male or female, that one really gets me. Getting told you can't do something or go somewhere because your female or will "strain your milk". That last came from an employer.
I could go on, but why?

Quote from: Crow on June 11, 2010, 08:57:32 PMJust the other day, I decided to brave it and went swimming for the first time this year (and for the first time since I officially started identifying as trans). The exercise was fantastic, but my chest is kind of embarassingly THERE. Way more than the usual loose shirt and sports bra combo. My old swimsuit is starting to wear out, though-- perhaps this is a good excuse to get something with a little more compression?

I'm thinking of getting another binder to wear under a rash guard or something. I don't know about you, but my chest is way too huge to go out in just a swimsuit. No tops ever have enough support for me, and they fly all over the place...

Erm...Sorry if that was an unpleasant image for anyone. >.> But yeah, I would totally use that as an excuse to get something to compress if I were you, but that's just me.

Quote from: LordKAT on June 11, 2010, 09:14:51 PMGetting told you can't do something or go somewhere because your female or will "strain your milk". That last came from an employer.

Wow...that sounds like harassment to me. Is there anything you can do about it? D:

I like seeing my younger brother and father, because i look A LOT like them, and not like the women in my family. So it makes me feel like I DO fit in the right category after all.

I'm weird about shopping, i like getting a new shirt, but when it comes to pants i freak out and just leave. This is troublesome as i need pants/jeans/something.  >:(

I have breasts.. i used to love showers, in fact, i still shower at least twice a day. But i don't like it anymore. I look really feminine naked. :( Luckily though, only my Gf and i have to see me naked.  :P

I think the most dysphoric thing for me is my gf, the way she is always looking at my chest, and touching it. Because i know she likes my breasts and doesn't want me to transition properly.  :'(

- i would include singing, but that's a lie, it just makes me feel like a stereotypical flamboyant gay boy. haha, makes me laugh at myself and i generally feel better.  :laugh:

Shopping gets to me.  I'm not out to most people yet, so for work and stuff I still need to wear female clothes (though not feminine).  We walk by the men's section and I see these awesome looking shirts, ties, jackets, sweaters, etc and think how much better I'd look and feel teaching in those instead of woman clothes...  It's hard to get over, and one of the only things I still felt strongly while I was in my "try to be a girly girl" phase.

Also, when I see guys interacting with each other, I get really disphoric.  I see a guy (especially an older, mentor type guy) slap another guy on the shoulder or mess up his hair or something and I just want that so bad.  I want other guys to treat me like a guy and rough house with me and stuff.  I hate being treated like a girl.  I sort of forgot myself tonight at my friends wedding.  I was presenting as female (I'm not out to them and someone's wedding is not the time to come out) and really enjoying the company of the guy who ended up sitting across from me, who I just met tonight.  Time came to leave and say goodbye to him and his wife and I hug his wife and go to shake his hand and he looks at me like I have three heads and pulls me into a "guy hugging a girl" hug.  Embarassing.

being around bio guys around my same age gets me too..
because they look so much older than me and also because I'm so much shorter than them

and pretty much everything everyone else said :P

Shopping, oddly enough, doesn't cause any issues for me... but I think that's because usually when I'm at clothes stores it's because my dad wants to pick something up and drags me and Froggy (my brother) along, so me and Froggy hang out in the men's clothing section and drool over outfits together. x3 Actually, last night was one of those occassions-- and I found a polo shirt that matches one of my brother's golf shirts, so we convinced my dad to get it for me so me and Froggy can match! 8D (Then Froggy promptly bought two giant, fluffy pillows for himself. My brother wins at life.) ...also, my dad loves shopping while my mom hates it. That pretty much killed any gender typing I might have attached to shopping. XD


However, going to my family members' social events (my brother's school events, my dad's church, etc.) is a huge issue for me. My family is afraid of me embarassing them in public, so I have to tone down my own identity. Even going to tae kwon do events is a problem (my brother does tae kwon do, and I sometimes do too... but mostly I just join in on the special events like camping trips, because I don't have time/money to attend classes lately), because that's primarily my brother's hang-out, and he doesn't want me to be out to them, because he's afraid they'll stop being his friends if they know about me... which is unfortunate, because they're my friends, too. It's a pretty open-minded place-- I think I would be pretty safe being out, there, but I can't be because my brotehr is afraid of me doing so in a shared space like that. Its really frustrating, because tae kwon do is a big part of what helped me start sorting out the gender thing in the first place, yet I can't even be honest about it there. This summer i'm going on the annual tae kwon do camping trip and will inevitably be sleeping in the girls' tent-- we'll see how that goes.

Have you tried telling them you are just going through a Goth stage ,or whatever, and just worn all black, or similar?

Would this be counter-productive in terms of acceptance of you TS situation in the family?

Just a thought, I never knew what my kids were doing clothes-wise.

Sleep makes me dysphoric

I feel like the way I lay down is "girly" and it really bothers me.

Quote from: justmeinoz on June 12, 2010, 09:48:11 AM
Have you tried telling them you are just going through a Goth stage ,or whatever, and just worn all black, or similar?

Would this be counter-productive in terms of acceptance of you TS situation in the family?

Just a thought, I never knew what my kids were doing clothes-wise.

For me, saying it's a "goth stage" would probably do little more than convince my family that I've completely lost my mind. x3

(Besides, I would have to buy a whole new wardrobe-- everything I own is brightly colored, and mostly consists of polos/button-up shirts and cargo pants, with the occasional gypsy skirt thrown in for good measure. XD)

In any case, my family is far more concerned with my gender than my clothing. As long as I don't bind or wear rainbows when I'm around the people they're trying to impress, I'm fine. I just have to sit through the, "Make sure you don't embarass us" lecture before I go to anything with Froggy.

However, I'm not quite sure what they're going to do once the topic of physically transitioning comes up.

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 12, 2010, 09:50:16 AM
Sleep makes me dysphoric

I feel like the way I lay down is "girly" and it really bothers me.

dude I'm the same I'm glad I'm not the only one

Quote from: Elijah on June 12, 2010, 10:07:38 AM
dude I'm the same I'm glad I'm not the only one

Thank god, I thought I was insane :D

I don't even know what I would class as a MANLY way to sleep. Drunk under a pool table? I haven't a clue.

*looks at bed* I do have hello kitty sheets though, this can't be helping :P

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 12, 2010, 10:09:25 AM
Thank god, I thought I was insane :D

I don't even know what I would class as a MANLY way to sleep. Drunk under a pool table? I haven't a clue.

*looks at bed* I do have hello kitty sheets though, this can't be helping :P

I suppose the male way would be legs apart, arms apart, and sprawled out on your stomach.. thats how I always imagine it

although I like to sleep in a more fetal position with my arms near my head

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 12, 2010, 10:09:25 AM
Thank god, I thought I was insane :D

I don't even know what I would class as a MANLY way to sleep. Drunk under a pool table? I haven't a clue.

*looks at bed* I do have hello kitty sheets though, this can't be helping :P

At least you don't share a bed with your mom? My mom works nights and has a queen sized bed. I claimed half of it years ago because I had a loft bed that was way too tall, resulting in me being roasted by the ceiling heat at our old house... we've long since gotten rid of my old loft bed (and the old house), but now my dysphoria and my mom's snoring have both gotten worse. XD So now on weekends (when my mom is home at night), I just drag all my bedding into my own room and sleep on the floor. x3

However, I still sleep with my baby blankets and a stuffed kitten, so I wouldn't exactly describe my sleping as "manly" no matter where I'm sleeping. I have an awesome bug quilt, though, so that absolves me from needing manly sleeping habits! |D (Besides, I'm hardly macho when I'm awake. If I can walk around in a gypsy skirt, I can sleep with childhood comfort items.)

Quote from: Elijah on June 12, 2010, 10:17:32 AM
I suppose the male way would be legs apart, arms apart, and sprawled out on your stomach.. thats how I always imagine it

although I like to sleep in a more fetal position with my arms near my head

yeah I like to curl up, keeps me warmer

Quote from: Elijah on June 12, 2010, 10:07:38 AM
dude I'm the same I'm glad I'm not the only one

Same, I always thought I was alone in this, I like to sleep kind of in a fetal position although not quite that curled up and always get dysphoric about it. It just feels really girly to me   :-\

...if it is any consolation on the sleeping thing, I shall reitterate that my 16-year-old biomale brother just bought himself not one but two of these (http://www.kaboodle.com/hi/img/b/0/0/5d/5/AAAACwCcoCkAAAAAAF1eBw.jpg) for his bed.


I have a hard enough time getting to sleep in a comfy, natural-feeling position because of all my back/neck/headache troubles. If I tried to change positions to something less "feminine", I'd probably never sleep again. XD

Guys my age. They're taller, they look older, they sound like guys and they're probably not as insecure in their masculinity as me. Getting over it pretty well though.

My hips, I hate them. Anything that reminds me of them (so sometimes I get really depressed about running.)

And general guys talking about guy stuff. Guys who look like how I would have if I developed correctly are odd, but a little irritating too.

Gym class makes me miserable.
I can't run as long as the other boys, cuz my binders crushing down on my chest, making it hard to breath.
Summer....Cuz other boys can take off there shirt....and i can't....
Seeing old photos of myself. Cuz i look like an ugly fat girl.

Seeing younger boys irks me more than seeing boys my own age.  Mostly because now I am seen as a dude, but then I wasn't. 

Also girls, dating, and talking about it ect.  Makes me want what I feel like I can't have.  At least not nearly as easily/as stress free/happily. Because honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy sex the way I am now.

Quote from: aydan_boy on June 12, 2010, 01:07:36 PM
Summer....Cuz other boys can take off there shirt....and i can't....

Oh, this too.

I live across the street from the pool, so.. being hot & cold are both things that set of the chain of thoughts that leave me dysphoric.

I have several typical/expected things that trigger my dysphoria. But for weird stuff...

I had to think about it and here's one that always gets me. It's when girls chit chat incessantly near me. As an example, in a workshop class where people can talk freely as they get their work done, invariably there will be two girls who talk and talk and talk and talk and it never lets up. It drives me nuts. I hate their piping gossipy voices and how stereotypically "girlish" it is, and even though it doesn't involve me, it triggers me anyway.

Cis guys in general.
Gay guys, cause they can act gay as all hell and still get a slap on the back from another guy and be called a man.
Wrestling people...cause I don't want them to feel my binder. And I'm still not as strong as other guys yet.
Shopping, yeah.
I could go on.
For some reason it makes me feel like ->-bleeped-<- when people say ->-bleeped-<- like, "doesn't it hurt when you get hit in the balls?" or "twist his nipple!" by people who know. Cause in trying to make me feel comfortable... I just feel awkward.
Oh yeah, and if I sit anyway that seems "girly" to me...I hate it. Esp laying down. Fetal position is fine with me, or on my chest with my arms curled under me.

Drawing myself.  You asked for weird things, right?  Well, a couple years back I had an art assignment where I was supposed to draw myself.  It was supposed to be realistic, so I had a hard time with that.  Drawing my female body.  Not cool.

Also, being in the makeup and feminine hygiene isles in the store.  And the women's clothes.  (When I go to the store with family.)  I hate that the people who see me there see me as a girl.

Quote from: Rowan on June 11, 2010, 01:48:11 PM
Watching anime makes me really dysphoric.

Me too! It causes my weird "panic attacks" (for lack of what else to call them). I never really understood this, but it mostly happens when characters are in great pain. It hurts, and I don't like it, but I love watching anime.  :'( Stupid dysphoria.

Sleeping gets me too. I can't find a comfortable way to lay down; there's always something uncomfortable. I hate my boobs squishing together the most.  :icon_blah: Swimming gets me too, since I can't take my shirt off. I have the hardest time trying to find a top to swim in (I still haven't found anything).

There's a girly way to sleep?
(I just sprawl across the whole bed, limbs splayed everywhere. Who wouldn't, when you have a queen and you share it with a guy who sleeps all perfectly still and neat and straight on his side?)

Shopping makes me feel good, actually, I've been compulsively shopping since I came out. The bigger and better looking my wardrobe gets, the more like an ordinary guy I feel, and the more options I have when I want to leave the house. Also, shopping gives me the opportunity to go into men's departments in stores and get called "sir" and flirted with by cute gay guys. The guy in Abercrombie today was smoking.

A related thing that does kind of trigger me though is being flirted with by girls. I literally have no idea what to do or how to flirt back - I'm not used to girls even talking to me, much less flirting with me - and it just reminds me of all the stuff I missed out on learning when I was growing up. It helps, actually, that I look so young because people don't think it's weird when I get awkward. I really envy a lot of cis gay guys though - you know the ones who can make a woman feel beautiful and sexy while simultaneously making it obvious that they're not interested in that way? I want to be able to do that, but I don't know how.

My major recent dysphoria trigger: passing in a store or business or class, answering to "sir" or "dude" or "he," and then being outed by my name when I have to show my credit card or ID or answer when attendance is called.

Quote from: kyril on June 13, 2010, 05:11:55 AM
Shopping makes me feel good, actually, I've been compulsively shopping since I came out. The bigger and better looking my wardrobe gets, the more like an ordinary guy I feel, and the more options I have when I want to leave the house. Also, shopping gives me the opportunity to go into men's departments in stores and get called "sir" and flirted with by cute gay guys. The guy in Abercrombie today was smoking.

I've been doing this too...have bought a ton of guy's clothes lately.  And I love being shown to the men's fitting room when I go in Wal-Mart. 

Anime makes me feel girly too. I'm not sure why. I'll draw it and look at it only when a "girly" mood has stricken me.
Wearing flip-flops makes me feel girly even though I have my father's feet. Wearing wifebeaters does too, because even though I love them, they accentuate my hips and chest and I have to wear a bra with them and the straps show and.. in short it's no good for my mood. Drawing people will make me dysphoric whether it's a male or female character - a male character reminds me of what I'm not and a female one does too because, while I have the same body, I don't identify the same. Pictures of pretty girls and handsome guys have the same effect. Drawing myself is difficult because I never know how I "should." My style of drawing isn't particularly "a girl's" or "a guy's," though, so at least there's that.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels kinda girly when I sleep! I always curl up in a ball.

Surprisingly, though, sex DOESN'T make me dysphoric. It probably would if I let myself think about it, but I refuse to ruin something that's supposed to be fun and intimate for my partner and I. And I like my handwriting. It's generic, all-caps guy writing and it looks a lot like two of my favorite teachers who happened to be guys, and like my dad's. So my handwriting makes me feel better. Wearing a watch does too.

Quote from: Nikolai James on June 13, 2010, 07:58:55 PM
So my handwriting makes me feel better.

Me too, I've always had a *very* recognizably male printed scrawl.

Quote
Wearing a watch does too.

This, not so much. I have these little tiny delicate wrists, see. They're small even for a teenage girl. I have yet to find a men's watch whose face isn't literally the same size as my wrist. Some are bigger. So I had to quit wearing watches entirely.

Quote from: Nikolai James on June 13, 2010, 07:58:55 PM
My style of drawing isn't particularly "a girl's" or "a guy's," though, so at least there's that.

Well, what's the difference between a masculine and feminine drawing style?

I don't think there is one.

Weirdly, or sadly, it's seeing successful FTM guys which sometimes makes me feel bad. My partner (who's lovely, and mega-supportive) will say "hey, look at this great video online of this guy transitioning...doesn't he look amazing", then she's left wondering why I've gone all grumpy and have left the room for a very feminine sniffle in a corner.

Quote from: Turtle on June 14, 2010, 08:35:52 AM
Weirdly, or sadly, it's seeing successful FTM guys which sometimes makes me feel bad. My partner (who's lovely, and mega-supportive) will say "hey, look at this great video online of this guy transitioning...doesn't he look amazing", then she's left wondering why I've gone all grumpy and have left the room for a very feminine sniffle in a corner.

This gets me too, even on this site when I hear about people getting their first T shot or their top surgery....I'm happy for them don't get me wrong, but I feel hugely jealous and resentful at the same time because it isn't me.

Weird things that make me dysphoric...

my hands because they're small

And oddly enough my car. i got a Volkswagen convertible (not a beetle) and its red but sometimes i feel like its a girl car. But it makes me feel better when girls ask for a ride, with the top down. so i guess it helps sometimes. 

Quote from: Jeatyn on June 14, 2010, 08:51:38 AM
This gets me too, even on this site when I hear about people getting their first T shot or their top surgery....I'm happy for them don't get me wrong, but I feel hugely jealous and resentful at the same time because it isn't me.

Yeah, same here.  I'm really happy for them but jealous too.

Perhaps I'm just strange but swimming made me feel a lot less dysphoric then usual.  I liked being in my swim trunks and with a tee shirt and a binder.  I've never passed so well in my life.  Majority of people saw the male swim costume with my hairy legs and thought man.  Spent all day at a water park and it was awesome.

Outside of that my hips and overall shape makes me feel dysphoric.  I tend to worry that I am eating to much and will gain weight which will make it worse.  Even though I know I am on T and more likely to gain muscle, I still get irrationally scared. 

Quote from: Farm Boy on June 13, 2010, 02:20:48 AM
Drawing myself.  You asked for weird things, right?  Well, a couple years back I had an art assignment where I was supposed to draw myself.  It was supposed to be realistic, so I had a hard time with that.  Drawing my female body.  Not cool.

I DID THIS TOO! it triggered pretty severe depression and dysphoria for a couple of months afterwards. it suuucked.

swimming for me, and the gym in general, doesn't bother me because i enjoy the exercise more than i hate my body  8)

weird things, hmm. anytime i realize that people in general see me as a fat chick. that just weirds me out.

edit:
i just discovered one: getting a haircut.  :-X

Quote from: DRAIN on June 15, 2010, 12:47:19 AM
i just discovered one: getting a haircut.  :-X

I know exactly what you mean. I went for one yesterday and got read as female etc etc. I also can't get it as short as I'd like because I still live with my parents. :(

I just discovered a new one too: Singing.  I get mad when I can't match the pitch of the lead singer and have to take it up an octave.  (Male singer, I pretty much don't listen to female singers...)  I think maybe that's why I tend to sing with the backup vocals; they're usually a bit higher so I can sing them correctly...  Grrr.

YES. I loved singing. I used to love singing along with male singers, although sometimes i'd sing with others. But now more than ever i'm not singing at all, because i can't anymore. I can't even get to the point it sounds like a dying alien...  :'(

Hopefully I'll be able to sing again soon, i miss it, especially in the shower.

Watching that movie the Basketball Diaries right now.  Had to post on this thread because it is making me feel dysphoric watching young guys play basketball and be guys.  He said something like, nothing like being young and jerking off.  Makes me feel like I've missed out on so much. It's Catholic school too, which makes it worse.  Wish I could go back in time.

Edit: once I got to the big junkie but I didn't feel so dysphoric.

I'm at a stalemate with my hair.  It's a point of confusion when considering my gender identity.

It's always been at least shoulder-length, except for once about 2 years ago when I cut it short enough to make it sorta spiky (it was still a little long for spikes and I wasn't using the right gel or whatever, either).  It's taken me 2 years to grow it back to shoulder-length.  I've also colored it and highlighted it in that time.  To make things 10 times worse, in the last year, I've always had my hair done by my coworkers at the salon I work at.  It would no doubt seem kinda odd if I suddenly said, "cut it all off!"  They'd be like, "Why?  It looks so good right now!"

Did I mention that I originally cut it short 2 years ago cuz I was wondering if I was trans?  Yeah.  I decided to grow it back out not cuz I decided I wasn't trans (which sorta happened for about 2 years - it's a long story, for a different thread), but because I was so emotionally attached to my long hair.  I'd never had it that short before, so I guess you could say I was grieving the loss.  Why can't guys have long hair?  I wanna have short hair as a guy, but I also want to keep my long hair until then.  Gah, so confusing....   ??? ???

Other than that, I'm don't feel that dysphoric.  I feel like I should be more dysphoric than I am, but in truth, I'm pretty darn well-adjusted to life as female.

Quote from: Alex Rene on June 16, 2010, 05:02:41 PM
(it was still a little long for spikes and I wasn't using the right gel or whatever, either).

Two words: liberty spikes.

I had shoulder length Kurt Cobain style hair since forever.  It was hard to cut it off, but I'm glad I did because it helped me pass way better.  And in the end, I like it way better! That was my teen boy hair, now I'm grown up...or something.

Real funny, because when I was 17 had the Kurt hair, but was still presenting as a girl, just a scruffy grungey one, this older guy got a really big crush on me and followed me everywhere.  It turned out he was a huge Nirvana fan - clearly he was looking for a way to indulge in his homosexual desire for Kurt Cobain.  That's my theory, anyway.

I've got the same problem with my hair.  I always kept it ridiculously long and only recently cut it to just below shoulder length.  I like having long hair, but I couldn't pass with it.  I'm debating cutting it into a shaggy skater-ish hairdo but I'm afraid I'll miss it...  And that I'll look weird and still not pass...

The thing is, it's hair and it'll grow back! Just ease yrself into it, start with a skater shag and see how you go from there.  I didn't go straight for a short back and sides.  Started off with a bowl cut kinda crop and then went shorter.  Now I'm not scared to do anything with my hair!

It's funny cos my uni ID has me with my longest hair ever.  People give me funny looks when they see it. Really need to get a new one.

Quote from: elvistears on June 16, 2010, 06:41:33 PM
The thing is, it's hair and it'll grow back! Just ease yrself into it, start with a skater shag and see how you go from there.  I didn't go straight for a short back and sides.  Started off with a bowl cut kinda crop and then went shorter.  Now I'm not scared to do anything with my hair!

It's funny cos my uni ID has me with my longest hair ever.  People give me funny looks when they see it. Really need to get a new one.

Lol, thanks, I'll consider trying that.  It might take a while tho.  One major reason I'm hanging onto my long hair (besides how long I've had it) is that I'm an Irish dancer.  The ladies curl their hair or wear a curly clip-on wig (we jump around so much that they have to be the clip-on type) for competitions.  I own one such wig, but if I cut my real hair much shorter than it is now (just above shoulder-length), it won't tie up under the wig the way its supposed to.  I tried dancing with my shorter hair a couple of times, but I hated how I looked so out of place.  And not that the judges really look that closely at your hairstyle, but I didn't win anything those times, and I wonder if I would have, had I been able to clip on my wig.

I guess I'm partially wanting to cut it off, but then the other part of me is afraid to let it go.  It's just gotta run its course, I guess.

I've been thinking about this question and I think the worst is that early morning between waking and sleep when I reach for what I don't have and panic. Wearing a packer when I sleep helps but doesn't stop it. When I feel body parts and then touch myself, even if it is on the waist arm or whatever and it don't match, it gets me real bad. I never found an answer for that. I keep hoping I can scrounge enough cash to make enough difference that I won't keep having to deal with it.

Hair wise, I'm back to waist length.

Quote from: Alex Rene on June 16, 2010, 10:51:42 PM
Lol, thanks, I'll consider trying that.  It might take a while tho.  One major reason I'm hanging onto my long hair (besides how long I've had it) is that I'm an Irish dancer.  The ladies curl their hair or wear a curly clip-on wig (we jump around so much that they have to be the clip-on type) for competitions.  I own one such wig, but if I cut my real hair much shorter than it is now (just above shoulder-length), it won't tie up under the wig the way its supposed to.  I tried dancing with my shorter hair a couple of times, but I hated how I looked so out of place.  And not that the judges really look that closely at your hairstyle, but I didn't win anything those times, and I wonder if I would have, had I been able to clip on my wig.

I guess I'm partially wanting to cut it off, but then the other part of me is afraid to let it go.  It's just gotta run its course, I guess.

Haha yeah I know all about Irish dancing, I went to a Catholic girls school.  It was huge there.  Anyway, you should take yr time with your hair.  It took me a while.

I had my hair cut off Sunday. Totally liberating, fells natural and gives me way more confidence. Love it. I plan on getting it cut even shorter.

Quote from: Radar on June 17, 2010, 02:09:45 PM
I had my hair cut off Sunday. Totally liberating, fells natural and gives me way more confidence. Love it. I plan on getting it cut even shorter.

I'm so so tempted to get my hair cut really short.

I can't wait to get my hair cut. It will be the best day of my life I think.

Quote from: Vin on June 17, 2010, 04:48:37 PM
I'm so so tempted to get my hair cut really short.

do it.. and if parents are a problem get it done and PRETEND that you HATE it and the hairstylist was inept and messed it up really bad and you didnt want it so short

Quote from: Elijah on June 17, 2010, 04:56:11 PM
do it.. and if parents are a problem get it done and PRETEND that you HATE it and the hairstylist was inept and messed it up really bad and you didnt want it so short

Lol yeah, that's a pretty good idea. Then trim it yourself so it doesn't grow back (or at least as quickly.)

When my female friends talk to me about their cycles! I don't want to hear it! And also when they start going on about..."You just wouldn't understand what it's like" (These are of course the ones that don't know I'm FtM) and I want to scream...You wanna make a bet? But, I bite my tongue and just do the 'Yeah...must suck' comment.

Parents are a big problem. Meh. Still, next time I'm due for a hair cut (I just had one on Friday) I'm going to get it cut really short.

Quote from: Elijah on June 17, 2010, 04:56:11 PM
do it.. and if parents are a problem get it done and PRETEND that you HATE it and the hairstylist was inept and messed it up really bad and you didnt want it so short

Last time I had my hair cut short, it wasn't terribly short (just to my ears) and it looked horrible so I probably won't be cutting it short again anytime soon.

Anyway, seeing bi or gay guys touching one another or holding hands or kissing or getting cuddly make me heavily dysphoric because that's what I want/need to have but I can't have it because I'll never be truly  physically male.

Quote from: Shang on June 17, 2010, 06:12:54 PM

Anyway, seeing bi or gay guys touching one another or holding hands or kissing or getting cuddly make me heavily dysphoric because that's what I want/need to have but I can't have it because I'll never be truly  physically male.

What makes you think that? The part about not ever having that kind of relationship I mean? Is it because you're a FtM and think that bi or gay men won't want to be with you?

Quote from: Bones on June 17, 2010, 06:26:44 PM
What makes you think that? The part about not ever having that kind of relationship I mean? Is it because you're a FtM and think that bi or gay men won't want to be with you?

No, that's not what I meant--I'm currently dating a bi guy, actually.  I'm bi, but there is this overpowering urge to be in a relationship with a physical male and for me to be physically male in that relationship also and it's something I have trouble handling and always have when I've had boyfriends, it just doesn't feel right being female and being in the relationship (though it doesn't feel right being female in any sort of relationship, whether or not the person is male or female).  But truly physical, not what I can get with any sort of surgery (at least not with the surgery now-a-days).  I hope that makes sense, it's the first time I've tried describing it through writing--it's pretty hard to describe IRL as is.

Quote from: Shang on June 17, 2010, 06:33:18 PM

No, that's not what I meant--I'm currently dating a bi guy, actually.  I'm bi, but there is this overpowering urge to be in a relationship with a physical male and for me to be physically male in that relationship also and it's something I have trouble handling and always have when I've had boyfriends, it just doesn't feel right being female and being in the relationship (though it doesn't feel right being female in any sort of relationship, whether or not the person is male or female).  But truly physical, not what I can get with any sort of surgery (at least not with the surgery now-a-days).  I hope that makes sense, it's the first time I've tried describing it through writing--it's pretty hard to describe IRL as is.

No, I think I gotcha...I have a hard time with it too. When I'm with my girl I feel like she might think we're a lesbian couple rather than a man and woman. I get completely stupid with her sometimes and she has to slap me and say 'Baby, you're a man. I know you're a man and you need to stop worrying'. I always feel like I've in some way...cheated her on some level.

Quote from: Bones on June 17, 2010, 06:37:20 PM
No, I think I gotcha...I have a hard time with it too. When I'm with my girl I feel like she might think we're a lesbian couple rather than a man and woman. I get completely stupid with her sometimes and she has to slap me and say 'Baby, you're a man. I know you're a man and you need to stop worrying'. I always feel like I've in some way...cheated her on some level.

Yes!  That's it!  It's why I'm hesitant to enter a relationship with a girl (I'm polyamourus, though non-practicing right now because, like I said, I'm hesitant to enter a relationship with a girl).

Quote from: Farm Boy on June 16, 2010, 06:22:12 PM
I've got the same problem with my hair.  I always kept it ridiculously long and only recently cut it to just below shoulder length.  I like having long hair, but I couldn't pass with it.  I'm debating cutting it into a shaggy skater-ish hairdo but I'm afraid I'll miss it...  And that I'll look weird and still not pass...

you get used to it

speaking of which i need a hair cut last month. Starting to look like a *feminine* lesbian again >.>
(fast growing hair despite my poor eating habits, no money to get it cut, and a mom who doesn't want me just getting an $8 razor comb and doing it myself)

Quote from: Shang on June 17, 2010, 06:33:18 PM

No, that's not what I meant--I'm currently dating a bi guy, actually.  I'm bi, but there is this overpowering urge to be in a relationship with a physical male and for me to be physically male in that relationship also and it's something I have trouble handling and always have when I've had boyfriends, it just doesn't feel right being female and being in the relationship (though it doesn't feel right being female in any sort of relationship, whether or not the person is male or female).  But truly physical, not what I can get with any sort of surgery (at least not with the surgery now-a-days).  I hope that makes sense, it's the first time I've tried describing it through writing--it's pretty hard to describe IRL as is.

I hear ya too...I identify as a gay male, but I feel like I'd be cheating or something if I were to try being with a bio guy.  Besides, I don't have the internal organs bio men do that would make anal sex that much better.  I just wonder how that might work if I don't have that sweet spot.  Sorry if that's TMI  :-\

Quote from: Alex Rene on June 18, 2010, 12:59:52 AM
I hear ya too...I identify as a gay male, but I feel like I'd be cheating or something if I were to try being with a bio guy.  Besides, I don't have the internal organs bio men do that would make anal sex that much better.  I just wonder how that might work if I don't have that sweet spot.  Sorry if that's TMI  :-\

Not at all!  Yeah, bio men get that lucky little spot, but bio women can enjoy anal, too.  A lot do, in fact, whether they're straight, bi, etc. 

Hey I enjoy it HEAPS and I don't have that spot. TMI! It's the only thing I'll be submissive for.

Haha... TBH it's the only variety of sex that doesn't make me dysphoric. ;P

Maybe cos everyone has a bottom?  Haha.

 ;D

_

My wallet sets me off..
for a number of reasons too!

Quote from: Miniar on June 19, 2010, 09:21:55 AM
;D

_

My wallet sets me off..
for a number of reasons too!

Miniar, I <3 you. XD Greatest post.  Ever.

Exercising makes me dysphoric.   I just get in this funk where I feel like all my work is for nothing and that I'll never pass :(

I actually have a six month old son right now and he's breastfeeding.  It used to be no big deal but now it makes me very self-conscious.

Hey, Snailpace - I know what you mean about breastfeeding (and it's a looooong time since I did it), as it's a time when the feminine is out there for the world to see. However, breastfeeding will help you ping into shape, as will any exercise you can do, and then you'll be able to make your body into just what you want it to be.

Haha, yeah!  WiiFit + Breastfeeding = Super Manly Body!

Boo Yah!! Hut! Grrrrrrrrrrr.