Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I often times look in the mirror and am convinced that I am wasting my time even trying to pass. It's something that goes away for maybe a day or two every once in a while, but it always comes back. I know I'm not alone in this, but I'm curious as to just how common this is.
Do you ever obsessively stand in front of mirrors and pick yourselves apart? Do you ever enter a bathroom and upon seeing yourself in the mirror just shake your head and wonder how anyone in their right mind could ever mistake you for a genetic girl/guy? Do you ever just assume people you know are lying when they say that they didn't know you were trans until you told them? Do you tend to prefer going out at night time so you can hide your face from other people? Do you try reading the expressions of every person you pass and wonder if they can tell?
I can't be alone in this, right?

You hit every tooth on the nail for me.

I sometimes look in the mirror and say, "How in the heck could I even pass?"

I also doubt the people who say I am pretty and look just like a GG girl...I have self image issues and always think I need to lose more weight, I always pick apart the features on my face that I think give me away and also that which makes me look ugly.

Then at times, I look at myself and see dark eyes, large pores, ugly acne skin and just all the brutality that I see and think, wow...I am ugly.

But there does come a time or two where I get the makeup, the clothes, the hair and everything just right and it feeds my ego and my confidence and makes me go, "Yay! Now it's time to hit the broken road."

no your not alone. my partner tells me i pass on a regular basis but i cant believe her. i look in the mirror and pick out all the bits that look female and theres not a lot left

I really hate to sound overconfident but after so long the honest answer is never. Not because I think I am in any way perfect, because I know that I am far from that by any metric, but because I know by experience that with very few, if any, exceptions I just do. I may not be an oil painting, but neither do I get "noticed" as odd. I'm just your rather ordinary plain jane, which suits me fine!

I also know that whatever so called tell tale signs I may or may not have there are other people who have no trans history who have them to if anything an even greater extent. If you look around at the ordinary people you see each day you will reslise that they come in all sorts of weird shapes and sizes.

Over the years I dare say I have very occasionally had the odd questioning look but I doubt that there is any human being who doesn't get the odd stare for one reason or another. So I prefer to be optimistic and be surprised if on the odd occassion I have actually been spotted.

Looking at all your avatar pics I think you folks also probably do heaps better than you think!

Quote from: rejennyrated on June 11, 2010, 03:29:32 PM
I really hate to sound overconfident but after so long the honest answer is never. Not because I think I am in any way perfect, because I know that I am far from that by any metric, but because I know by experience that with very few exceptions I just do. I may not be an oil painting, but neither do I get "noticed" as odd. I'm just you rather ordinary plain jane, which suits me fine!

I also know that whatever so called tell tale signs I may or may not have there are other people who have no trans history who have them to if anything an even greater extent. If you look around at the ordinary people you see each day you will reslise that they come in all sorts of weird shapes and sizes.

Over the years I dare say I have very occasionally had the odd questioning look but I doubt that there is any human being who doesn't get the odd stare for one reason or another. So I prefer to be optimistic and be surprised if on the odd occassion I have actually been spotted.

Looking at all your avatar pics I think you folks also probably do heaps better than you think!

I can understand that even most genetic girls have masculine features. My doubts about how I look are based more on femininity than attractiveness though. This may sound arrogant, but a lot of times I feel like the people who compliment me are blinded to my gender by my overall attractiveness. Gender ambiguity and borderline bisexuality are very common in the crowds I tend to hang around, and as a guy I was told by many females that I should be a male model. I always worry that the guys who call me pretty only see the attractiveness and not what your average person sees as female looking. I'd much rather look like an unattractive female than an attractive ->-bleeped-<-.

Quote from: ƃuıxǝʌ on June 11, 2010, 03:48:05 PM
...I would look in the mirror and feel pretty crappy about how I looked; I would turn my face this way and that way until I hit a good angle, then I'd close my eyes and walk away from the mirror with that image fixed in my mind.

I do that same thing but I can never bring myself to just walk away. I even find myself trying to prove my senses wrong the few times that I do feel passable in order to deter myself from going out in public and embarrassing myself. I typically only leave my apartment after having a couple of drinks. I know my biggest issue with passing is my confidence yet I can't for the life of me muster the ability to not be awkward while sober. My natural defense against the fear of not passing is all that's making me feel like I don't pass. It's frustrating and I just wish I knew of a decent NLP practitioner or hypnotist that could help me. There's something severely wrong with my perspective of how other people view me or something.

Quote from: Ayaname on June 11, 2010, 03:59:23 PM
I just wish I knew of a decent NLP practitioner or hypnotist that could help me.

You do... me. :)

I'm not a professional but I can hypnotise and although I mainly use it on myself I have on occasion used it to help others. I am currently working up a file for someone else based precisely on being relaxed and self confident. I don't believe in all these so called feminisation hypnosis scams, but I do believe that it can help you express what is already inside you to best advantage and in a relaxed and confident manner. When the file is complete and has been "tested" to make sure it is useful I will let you know.

Quote from: rejennyrated on June 11, 2010, 04:09:31 PM
You do... me. :)

I'm not a professional but I can hypnotise and although I mainly use it on myself I have on occasion used it to help others. I am currently working up a file for someone else based precisely on being relaxed and self confident. I don't believe in all these so called feminisation hypnosis scams, but I do believe that it can help you express what is already inside you to best advantage and in a relaxed and confident manner. When the file is complete and has been "tested" to make sure it is useful I will let you know.

Thank you, that sounds interesting.
I don't really buy a lot of the types of hypnosis out there either. Basically, if it's advertised I tend to be skeptical. I've also read a lot of Milton Erickson's early works and some Richard Bandler as well, so I know at least enough to spot some of the frauds. My biggest obstacle when it comes to self hypnosis is the fact that I can't seem to visualize when I try. I can visualize fine if I'm just day dreaming, but the moment I notice what I'm doing it all disappears. It makes finding submodalities impossible.

I have had days when I don't particularly feel like I pass and those days are days that I am in a really foul mood.  I feel like I look lke my father and it really bugs me.

I have however found that if I regularly say "Good Morning Beautiful" that helps to elevate my mood and makes me feel better.  This then helps with my passing confidence.

Yes very frequently my body perception has become kinda bipolar,

For a day I think. "You know it's not that bad. My situation could easily be 10 times worse. and everyday will be abit better all these things have improved" You know if you did 1 and 2 I could probably get away with it. What a happy thought.

Then I dunno what it is I see a picture of myself and see stubble or forehead ridge my voice will crack down when speaking and be mortified and so angry at myself for thinking how I could ever be so deluded, That I'm never ever going to look sound or feel like a normal person I'm a freak and always will be the next day won't be better it's just more of the same.

I try to tell myself. "some girls have Problem X or Y." then will tear myself down with "But they don't have X + Y + Z and aren't missing A + B"
At the worst times I do break down, I will I will scratch at and push my bony forehead ridge and claw my remaining stubble hoping to make it go away I only make it worse tho making the areas swollen and red drawing attention to it.

But it eventually passes and I return to the first thought.

It's a sad cycle of pain that holds be back, but least now I see sunshine even if it's for just a fleeting a moment before it's hidden behind the clouds again.

I've stopped trying to pass.  It just isn't going to happen.  Rather, if I am simply who I am, people accept me much faster.

Much to my amazement, like Jenny I have to say experience has taught me I do though I would have never believed it possible in the beginning. When I look in the mirror now I see a woman, all the time, even when I get up in the morning with my hair all wonky and the sleepy still in my eyes. I think that being able to reach that point, of seeing myself as the woman I am despite the shortcomings in my appearance, has helped me more than anything. It's not really all about "looks". I just try to avoid picking out the physical flaws because there are plenty to choose from, but it also helps me to remember that from the start I transitioned for me and not for what anyone else thought about it. If I had worried about that I may have never took that first step and I don't even want to think about where I would be now if I hadn't.

Now what took me much longer to figure out was that when guys are checking me out, it's not necessarily because they're wondering if I'm transsexual :D

In  word no, but what does that mean? Given that I still have a large amount of facial hair, I would never be taken for a woman, until I remove it.  After that, we'll see.

Having adopted the philosophy of General Semantics many years ago, ( it had limited effect on my depression, but that it is to be expected)  I believe we all have a self image, but the question is how accurate is it? In a way all our problems could be said to stem from this.

I am aware of the need to catalogue and date every observation, of myself and everything else.  In other words, this is me now; not last week ;or yesterday; or 2 minutes ago . 

How I interpret the reaction of others is dependent on my point of view, whether I think they are looking at me with scorn, or thinking about something else entirely is a different question.  Perhaps the reaction of someone else again could tell me more about the first person's attitude. More data. Assuming they do not approach me directly I cannot make a definitive judgement.

To cut a long story short, unless people make their reaction plain, it's probably an even bet they haven't given your gender two thoughts. 

I still working my way up to going out in public...mainly it's down to treating my debilitating facial skin problem aka the beard and growing my hair out...going out in public will be scary though I really really want to do it.

I  don't really think about if I am passing until someone comments about it in some way. It just too much bother. When they do things to point out that I look fem, it hurts. When they don't, I figure I can at least do what I need to and move on. I have found that unless someone tells another person, they normally don't think fem at all. Sometimes someone will thin one way and sometimes another but as long as they let me go without hassle and go about my day, I leave them alone too.

Quote from: Helena on June 12, 2010, 11:24:53 AM
I still working my way up to going out in public...mainly it's down to treating my debilitating facial skin problem aka the beard and growing my hair out...going out in public will be scary though I really really want to do it.

I know what you mean with the face fur :( I want to try and go out too but it's just impossible and an absurd thought when the... hair mould. refuses to be concealed.

I've not even been able to get electro/laser because uni and work gobble up every available second time Projects+Exams+Work events :(
My lower face certainly don't look like my avatar pic these past few weeks.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman; I just don't see a man yet. So it always surprises me that people consistently read me as male. But the thing is, I'm just looking at my face and saying to myself that it isn't very masculine, especially for a guy of my age. Well, I admit that I sometimes turn around and strain to look at my ass--it's too female, I think.

I have to keep telling myself that there's a whole, erm, package, not just my face and my butt. I clearly have a male chest and a sometimes-visible bulge in my pants. I'm not so short that I arouse surprise or suspicion. I have masculine mannerisms and body language and a male voice. And I can even explain away the face and the rear end. People think I'm much younger than I am, so they don't expect me to have a really mature masculine face. And I have a stocky build and am still twenty pounds overweight, so it's not unusual if my ass isn't skinny. It's not particularly female in shape, actually, and it never has been--it's not much out of proportion with the rest of me. In fact, my chunkiness probably camouflages my butt at the moment--once I lose the excess weight, my hipbones will likely become more visible.

Perhaps I should just look in the mirror and try to find a boy. At least until I can grow a proper beard. :P

Quote from: pebbles on June 12, 2010, 01:21:59 PM
I know what you mean with the face fur :( I want to try and go out too but it's just impossible and an absurd thought when the... hair mould. refuses to be concealed.

I've not even been able to get electro/laser because uni and work gobble up every available second time Projects+Exams+Work events :(
My lower face certainly don't look like my avatar pic these past few weeks.

It sucks doesn't it...I've not even bothered trying yet because my top lip is just so dark I have a permanent shadow >:(

I had another laser treatment today...and even though I ended up in tears and had fingernail marks in the palms of my hands it felt good in a "take that you b*stard stubble!" way. hehe

Quote from: Helena on June 12, 2010, 07:56:17 PM
It sucks doesn't it...I've not even bothered trying yet because my top lip is just so dark I have a permanent shadow >:(

I had another laser treatment today...and even though I ended up in tears and had fingernail marks in the palms of my hands it felt good in a "take that you b*stard stubble!" way. hehe

Haha, I love the feeling of getting rid of hair too. I had 3 laser treatments done on my upper lip a while back but had to stop for a while because it was too expensive. I just had another one about 2 weeks ago on my whole face, neck and stomach. I still see some hairs falling out when I shave. It's been such a relief. I used to spend 2 hours every night plucking hairs from my face, but this last week my face has been more clear than ever before just from shaving. So yeah, I understand the, "take that, hair!", feeling ^-^ I can't wait until my next treatment.

There are times when I feel like I'm completely not passing.   I've struggled with depression and poor self image most of my life, so strangely I know when it's just me beating myself up.

I've learned to recognize when I do this and talk myself into just dealing with it.   Now it's rare people give me a 2nd thought.   I've even gone to the Spa and not had a 2nd look.

For me, I think the important milestone was when I learned to recognize MYSELF as a woman and that I deserve to be treated like a woman by others.   So I stopped doing things in the shadows, like getting my hair styled at Supercuts where everything is so cookie cutter and decided that I'd spring for a quality trip to a higher end salon where they know how to cut your hair to match your body and facial shapes.   Since then, I've felt very confident in my self image.

I still have my days, but for the most part, I'm happy.   I still get the rare occasion where someone will read me, though.   Then my heart sinks and I feel like stepping into the middle of a busy street.  :(   But it happens .. I just come home and meditate for a bit and pick myself back up.

Quote from: Epigania on June 13, 2010, 05:20:22 PMI still get the rare occasion where someone will read me, though.

I wonder how many times these people incorrectly "read" cisgender women.

Yeah .. I've grown comfortable enough with myself not to really care if people read me.  I live my life the way I want to.  :D

This sort of reminds me of a debate I had back in the old BBS days of online community when someone asked "What is normal." ... I think the conclusion of that debate was:  "Normal is whatever you think is right.   And everyone thinks differently."

Quote from: Shauna Marie on June 12, 2010, 06:52:45 AM
I've stopped trying to pass.  It just isn't going to happen.  Rather, if I am simply who I am, people accept me much faster.

Quote from: Epigania on June 13, 2010, 05:48:17 PM
Yeah .. I've grown comfortable enough with myself not to really care if people read me.  I live my life the way I want to.  :D

I just don't worry about it anymore.  I am who and what I am.  Everyone I meet is either kind or sees me as a woman.  (I live in a town where hundreds of people remember me from before.)  And I firmly believe it is not just physical appearance that tells others whether you are man or woman.

Like Arch (only opposite, of course), I don't always see a woman in the mirror but I no longer see a man.  I'm happy with that because it's more than I ever expected was possible.

- Kate

Very rarely nowadays but it still happens. Often it's after all my makeup's off getting ready for bed and looking in the mirror...I sometimes see a boy and I cry.

Somehow my bf still thinks I'm beautiful though! =)

I still have a beard left over from my years trying to overcompensate for my femininity. In that sense I hate how I look because it just isn't me. On the other hand, what I see in the mirror isn't my self image, it's what others see when they look at me. I can either take solace in the fact that it's not how I see myself so I shouldn't worry what others think, or I can cry over the fact that no one sees who I really am. If I were more mature I would pick the first one :P but truth be told I've done quite a bit of crying lately.

I'm very meek in stature with rounded shoulders, which makes it harder for me to pass. I always have this crazy internal struggle over which bathroom to use when I'm out lol because I'm scared to not be passing and get called out on it. I've realized something though; your attitude plays a huge role. I feel sometimes like I pass better when I have a lot of confidence, even if I don't look different than I otherwise would. I hate it when a sibling or something says the pronouns of your birth gender, killing all chance of it to begin with.

Quote from: James-Allen on June 18, 2010, 04:28:52 PM
I've realized something though; your attitude plays a huge role. I feel sometimes like I pass better when I have a lot of confidence, even if I don't look different than I otherwise would.

Confidence - or even just the appearance of confidence - makes a huge difference.

- Kate

Quote from: K8 on June 18, 2010, 06:28:31 PM
Confidence - or even just the appearance of confidence - makes a huge difference.

- Kate

Completely agree!

Oh yeah ... people know when someone feels out of place ...

And people are curious by nature, so they try to figure out why our out of place.  That's when they analyze everything about you. :)

Confidence makes an insane difference in passing.  And not panicing if someone reads you ...

You know?,, I have found that when I go out in chick mode that my senses are on a very high level of reading the immediate environment. That being said, I also have found that about 98 percent of the average public is at a very low level of reading the immediate environment. The few people left over can usually be summed up as people who are innocently curious or those of the very small percentage that could possibly represent any kind of danger. With those odds I just don't worry too much about passing, I just pass as I please.

Get away from the people who poison you. New job, new friends, new family, that's the ticket I think.

Today, every time a coworker passed a customer off to me, they used he. Not a single coworker, but 2 or 3 of them. It was a short shift, and it was obnoxious as hell. ->-bleeped-<-, the last time our human resources manager referred to me, she used he. It's not malicious, I assume from most people, just thoughtless.

I tend to just stare at people stupified and then look down at my boobs and then look at the customer and then stare back at the employee, because I'm afraid if I point out how silly that was that they'll immediately go "Oops I'm so sorry just known you for so long" or something to make the situation worse.


The suggestion that accepting yourself internally as a woman is the first step towards escaping the old self image is so correct. I, unfortunately, have had my internal acceptance damaged since transitioning at work, because of how much I am reminded that I'm trans. I can't even call people out on 'man' or 'dude' because they get used unisexually sometimes, even though none of the guys here talk to women like that.

I feel like my identity has been downgraded from woman to ->-bleeped-<-, and I am actually stunned again when people use female pronouns, even though I can't pass as a guy when I try anymore. I feel like being in a relationship has likewise shifted my image... it started so beautifully where she saw me as nothing but a woman because that's all she knew me as, but as I have opened up to her to make her part of my life, *i* have had to discuss transsexuality so much that it makes me not feel good about myself. She still just sees me as a girl... I refuse to show her any more old pictures than what she saw on facebook.

At the same time, when I told her that I was trans at the end of our first date, she told me that she had much more respect for me as a person and thought that I was a much stronger person. It's such a huge part of our life, it holds us back so far... I looked at myself, and I feel like I am totally worthless if someone doesn't see the context of what I was battling the past several years of my life. I don't understand how to hide or minimize that in a relationship while being true to the person that you are...