Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,

I've had a rough few months, mostly due to coming out to my kids' dad (the closed-minded redneck), him basically saying I shouldn't tell them that I'm trans as it would mess them up, and then him basically trying to get custody of them... I was a real mess for awhile.

In amongst all that I came out to my grandparents and aunts and uncles. And more of my coworkers. Which all went really well. That was my saving grace.

But overall I think I was feeling really burnt out by all of the emotional stress of dealing with the kids' dad and some of the really offensive things he had to say, and worrying that he'd take my children from me. I've been hiding in hibernation the past few months, not even really connecting with my friends and family much, basically just feeling like crap and hiding from the world. Some of you who have me on Facebook know that up until this week, I haven't really posted anything about my transition for the past couple of months, ever since that post about telling my kids' dad.

And this past weekend I'd decided that I have to tell my kids soon whether their dad likes it or not. It's not about him, it's about my relationship with my children, being able to be authentic with them, and no longer living a partial life. Besides, they've started making comments and asking questions which suggest that they're suspicious/curious about my gender presentation, and I will not lie to them if they outright ask.

So, yesterday, the Universe decided to reward my decision to tell my kids soon. I got a call from the gender specialist (whom I was told I wouldn't be able to see until January 2011), saying they had a cancellation and I could get in today at 1pm... I was absolutely floored, excited, anxious, happy, and insane all day after finding that out. lol

Today I went to the appointment and not only got my carry letter, but also got my ENDO REFERRAL!!! I have to wait 2 to 3 months to get in to see him/her (depends which one is available first), and then I can do bloodwork, etc and then start T... Wow, eh?

So, that's the basics of what I've been up to, and why I've been avoiding all you here. Sorry for the absence, and I hope it's okay if I come back now that I'm not neck-deep in my little pity-party anymore.

Thanks for reading, hope to be around much more often now.
-James :)

Welcome back.

Exes can be PIAs.  Your kids will be fine.


Jay

Fantastic. I'm glad to hear that you can start moving forward on transition soon. As for your ex...is he settling down now? Sounds like it.

Sometimes you just need to focus on the essentials and get important things done. All the same, it's good to have you back.

That's great news about your transition.  I hope everything turns out alright with your ex.

Thanks everyone.

He's not really settling down now, in that he still vehemently feels that I will be irreparably damaging the kids by "exposing them to [my] alternative lifestyle choice"... Yeah, ask me how pissed I was by *that* gem. lol

But at least I *think* he's backing off about the custody thing. At least he seems to get that I will not give them up without a fight. Whether he's going to go through with that fight or not is yet to be seen. I really really hope not. It's terrifying to think of. :(

But yeah, it is what it is, so at least if I take control of my own life and not take responsibility for how he deals with it, I can move forward. I just have to hope that he doesn't make it harder on my kiddos then it needs to be, I'm worried for them enough as it is.

Missed ya being around so welcome back. I don't envy the custody battles. I never had them but had many friends who did and it was hell on kids as well as parents when that happened. Worse than coming out to them will ever be. I wish you the best turn out in all this emotional BS you are going through.

welcome back- glad your in a slightly better place now and amazing news about getting in to see the gender specialist

Kids are amazingly accepting. I came out as a lesbian to my daughter when she was 5, and she's always been cool with it. Now she's 13, I've had The Long Talk about being transgendered, and she's happy to talk to me about things, even helping me choose my new name, and giving me a card addressed to that name.

Kids deal with stuff like this.

Daughter went into the City to shop on her own for a couple of hours. I kept checking up on her by text...I said 'Don't talk to any strangers'. She texted back 'Mum - none of them will be stranger than you'

Adults try to justify their own fears and bigotry by blaming the welfare of the kids. Your kids will be absolutely fine, so don't be made to feel guilty about problems that don't even exist.
xx

Yeah, I truly do think that the kids will do well with it. It's more that I'm worried about how their dad's closed-mindedness will make them feel about the situation. If it was just me and them, I would have told them months ago, and it would be fairly smooth sailing I think. But because they spend half of their time with me, and half of their time with him, I worry that his influence will make them feel stuck in the middle.

But, all that is yet to be seen, and really when it comes down to it, it's something that has to be dealt with one way or another. I have to trust that we can all handle it and turn out okay in the long run. :)

My ex pulled the custody thing temporarily, by volunteering to take the kids for a few years while I went and found myself.

Good thing he's terrible with money and in debt up to his eyeballs and couldn't afford an attorney anyway.  He's far to cheap to spend money to fight me anyway.  Dipstick actually paid his divorce attorney with a credit card.

He's since chilled out.  Kids are fine, I'm fine (ie normal except that I'm no longer F, LOL).

Jay

Quote from: LordKAT on June 16, 2010, 02:00:17 AM
Missed ya being around so welcome back.

Yes, and good luck. Hope you get to keep your kids, you seem like a good dad.

Glad to see you again man. I know what you mean about difficult times (especially with exs). Hopefully things will start to get better.

I know what you mean about not having the kids with you all the time - my daughter lives with her dad and his wife. I've eaten myself up with the idea that they'll make her as narrow-minded as they are, but in the end blood and love shine through, and we just have to trust that our kids see us through their own eyes.

Thanks again everyone.

I emailed the kids' dad today, and basically told him that I have to do what I think is best for my kids, and that's being honest with them about who I am. I plan on telling them in two weeks. During that time we'll see how things go with him, but either way, I've gotta do what I've gotta do.

I also came out to my "big boss" today... He was kind of awkward about it all, and I don't think he really understood at first. And he said some really dumb things, but basically he's just really unaware and doesn't know any better.

So, next week I'll be coming out to the rest of the coworkers (the ones who don't already know) "officially" and then will be changing my name on my email and things like that. Obviously my official records and paycheques will still have my legal name for now, but at least everyone will be able to call me James and use male pronouns. Woo-hoo!

And the week after that I'll be telling the kids.

It's all starting to move forward now. After a year of feeling frozen in time, there's real progress being made. Wow :)

Wow! Good for you  ;D

Fantastic! It feels great, doesn't it?

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on June 17, 2010, 09:25:36 PM
Thanks again everyone.

I emailed the kids' dad today, and basically told him that I have to do what I think is best for my kids, and that's being honest with them about who I am. I plan on telling them in two weeks. During that time we'll see how things go with him, but either way, I've gotta do what I've gotta do.

I also came out to my "big boss" today... He was kind of awkward about it all, and I don't think he really understood at first. And he said some really dumb things, but basically he's just really unaware and doesn't know any better.

So, next week I'll be coming out to the rest of the coworkers (the ones who don't already know) "officially" and then will be changing my name on my email and things like that. Obviously my official records and paycheques will still have my legal name for now, but at least everyone will be able to call me James and use male pronouns. Woo-hoo!

And the week after that I'll be telling the kids.

It's all starting to move forward now. After a year of feeling frozen in time, there's real progress being made. Wow :)

Welcome back!  I applaud you for taking the risk of sticking up for yourself.  It's not always an easy thing to do, although I'm sure it gets easier the more you do it.   ;)

IMHO, you did the right thing in deciding to be authentic & honest with your kids.  Even if they don't accept you for being trans (purely hypothetically speaking), at least you're teaching them that being authentic with others is a positive way to go.  No matter what their dad says about the topic itself, or even what your kids themselves say about it, remember that you're doing what's right for you.

If I were in your kids' place and I took the notion of you being a man about as well as your ex is, I'd still learn something from you holding your ground on the matter.  Being true to yourself will do nothing but influence things in positive ways - even if those effects are delayed, lol.  Besides, it's true, I think, that you've sometimes gotta let someone you love go; they'll come back to you when they're ready.

Don't let your ex keep you down.  It's your identity, not his.  Even if it were possible to somehow "damage" your kids by telling them, it's their choice to accept you or not.  And, similarly, if your life comes crashing down around you (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it won't!), it's your choice to rise from the ashes and come out stronger for it.

Sorry if this sounds advice-ish.  I guess it's just my odd way of rooting for ya, lolz.  I whole-heartedly support you, if it's of any consolation.   :D ;) :D

Quote from: Arch on June 18, 2010, 01:55:34 AM
Fantastic! It feels great, doesn't it?

It really does, Arch. It really does. This is the first week in many months that I've been able to say "I like my life, I'm a happy person". And while I probably "shouldn't" have been so down on myself previously for the lack of progress, I just wasn't able to stay cheerful and positive. I decided to let myself be miserable for awhile instead of always trying to "suck it up" and just push things down. So while it was probably fairly healthy for me to be depressed (in a weird, backwards way), I'm really glad that I can feel the sun again now. :)

Quote from: Alex Rene on June 18, 2010, 02:36:40 AM
Sorry if this sounds advice-ish.  I guess it's just my odd way of rooting for ya, lolz.  I whole-heartedly support you, if it's of any consolation.   :D ;) :D

Thanks Alex, I really agree with all of that. I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth sometimes when I get anxious. And don't worry about sounding "advice-ish" I'll never take offense at people opening up conversation and adding their perspective. That's what it's all about, afterall. :)

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on June 18, 2010, 12:53:31 PM
Thanks Alex, I really agree with all of that. I just have to keep reminding myself of the truth sometimes when I get anxious. And don't worry about sounding "advice-ish" I'll never take offense at people opening up conversation and adding their perspective. That's what it's all about, afterall. :)

;D  No problem, man.  Anytime.

Quote from: NES_junkie_James on June 18, 2010, 12:53:31 PMAnd while I probably "shouldn't" have been so down on myself previously for the lack of progress, I just wasn't able to stay cheerful and positive. I decided to let myself be miserable for awhile instead of always trying to "suck it up" and just push things down. So while it was probably fairly healthy for me to be depressed (in a weird, backwards way), I'm really glad that I can feel the sun again now. :)

You know me well enough to know what I think about denying feelings, even the so-called negative ones. I was an emotional zombie for so many years that I still fall back on it automatically at the slightest provocation. And I'm still weirded out when I have nice, normal, happy feelings...I often have a bizarro response to such emotions and get freaky. It's taking a lot of hard work to unlearn these habits. I done trained myself too good. ::)

Quote from: Arch on June 20, 2010, 12:35:13 AM
You know me well enough to know what I think about denying feelings, even the so-called negative ones. I was an emotional zombie for so many years that I still fall back on it automatically at the slightest provocation. And I'm still weirded out when I have nice, normal, happy feelings...I often have a bizarro response to such emotions and get freaky. It's taking a lot of hard work to unlearn these habits. I done trained myself too good. ::)

Yeah, I definitely know what you mean. I automatically went to the "just keep swimming" place in my head a couple of months ago, and tried to just tell everyone (and myself) that I was happy and "fine" and whatever other garbage. It was when I told myself "no, it's okay to feel miserable, be anti-social, and just take this time to be a hermit" that I was really going against my grain. And I think allowing myself that time was the best thing I could've done for myself. Not to say I don't still have issues and challenges right now, but I think I processed a lot of my utter despair and am at a point now where I'm not "trying to be happy" I'm just being content. It's a subtle difference, but the anxiety I would usually be feeling isn't as present, and that's a huge thing in and of itself.

Well done James. :) Telling others is really hard but liberating. So far my immediate family is supportive, even though my Dad had to do alot of research since he didn't know much about it. The internet and especially the book I gave him helped immensely.

I'll be telling the big boss soon too. I predict akwardness, confusion and stupid questions too. At least my manager- who supports me- will be there too. Did/do you feel your job's at risk now since the owner knows? That's my biggest concern, even though I have trans-experienced lawyers ready if need be. >:-)

You're right about what you said earlier about support. I'm lucky my immediate family are all supportive and I hope it stays that way. After the nuclear meltdown with my ex I don't think I could handle a close family member responding badly or not supporting me either. I guess we're never given more than we can handle.

Quote from: Radar on June 22, 2010, 08:13:56 AM
Did/do you feel your job's at risk now since the owner knows?

Well, being in Canada, it's illegal to discriminate on the basis of gender identity, so I'm not too worried that way, but I do know that some people experience backlash regardless of the laws. Thankfully, my company is really progressive and I've already felt so accepted and understood by the HR manager. She's actually dealt with a trans employee coming out before (in a previous company) and she went through "gender minority support" training and such. She's been pretty freaking incredible about it all actually.

Tomorrow 9am is the big meeting. I'm totally nervous because all attention will be on me and I hope I don't sound like an idiot. But I think I'm just going to treat it like any of the other people or groups of people I've come out to so far in this past year, and I'm sure it'll be okay.

Wish me luck everyone! :)

Hope the meeting goes well, James. I've got everything crossed for you!  ;D

Good luck. Sounds like it will go pretty smoothly, since you seem to have management on your side.

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Post Merge: June 23, 2010, 10:02:08 PM

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Quote from: NES_junkie_James on June 21, 2010, 02:10:35 PMIt's a subtle difference, but the anxiety I would usually be feeling isn't as present, and that's a huge thing in and of itself.

Good. I'm starting to think that anxiety has become a way of life for me, but I have to admit that I'm dealing with it much better than I was (well, generally speaking). Any progress is good.