Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Male to female transsexual talk (MTF) => Topic started by: Terra on November 17, 2006, 07:44:15 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Feelings of...
Post by: Terra on November 17, 2006, 07:44:15 PM
Post by: Terra on November 17, 2006, 07:44:15 PM
I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been in a slump since I was fired and i'm not sure how to get out of it since I can't figure out what is keeping me in it. But I need to figure it out soon because it is already making me do stupid things.
For one, I haven't applied for many jobs, I just don't know what is my malfunction in this because I know I will barlely make it to the end of the year on my saving, then i will be quite broke. It seems that the ER at the local hospital was impressed by my entusiasm at my clinicals, so I have a potential there. That and with my background I shouldn't have too much trouble finding a job with my new license. Problem is is that it won't be mine untill I finish the class beggining of December, and then I have to wait for the NR to send it to me snail-mail. *sighs* :-\
Then there is what I put one of my oldest and dearest friend through a week or two ago. I was feeling particulary dark and asked her if I stopped this tomarrow, would she consider marrying me. She...didn't give me a straight answer, not only that but I ended up making her cry as it became obvious that I was not the only one who was having some self image problems. Worse is that I suspect who it was that started it, and its making me feel...worse, bad, I don't know. ??? This also is the same woman I wanted to spend my life with, and is a very by-the-book-christian. I'm not sure what to do.
Finally, there is my constent agony over what to do with my life. On one hand I still stand by what I wrote about living by the truth. As I told my class, " I am not ashamed of what I am, and i'm not proud, it is simply who I am." However the feelings about leaving the NAVY still haunt me. I had so much, the promice of achievment, doing my dream job, being able to someday go places i'd only read in books. The Navy had started to heal my psyche and infuse me with purpose and worth, two things I honestly say I didn't have before. Then...THIS...happened. All because I was born...different! I honestly don't know what I would do if someone told me I could take a pill and wake up a complete man or woman tomarrow. I just don't know what anyone wants from me, and worse, I don't know what I want for myself. I have no core anymore, I have no self image. Everything that comes to mind is an over the top fantasy of what I know I will look like when finished.
Maybe its the stress, but it used to be before I was fired that I could look in the mirror and see the pretty woman everyone kept saying they could see. Now when I look I see...a man? Not a woman, but not a man, though I still want the image of a woman and to be seen and treated as one. *sighs*
For the first time in my life I feel so completly and utterly alone. I am surrounded by loving friends, and I feel like my God and Jesus are still trying to help me. But at the same time, I feel so utterly alone. Not even thoughts of suicide seem worthy of thought. Its like I just want to curl up in a corner and let the world wash over me. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live. I have a fire in my soul, and no direction to apply to it. I had a plan, but as with every plan, nothing worked out with it.
I'm sorry, I know this is so dark, and I know there are those who are worse off then me. But...well i'm sorry. I plan to go sleep now, and try again in the morning. I promise not to do anything fatally stupid.
For one, I haven't applied for many jobs, I just don't know what is my malfunction in this because I know I will barlely make it to the end of the year on my saving, then i will be quite broke. It seems that the ER at the local hospital was impressed by my entusiasm at my clinicals, so I have a potential there. That and with my background I shouldn't have too much trouble finding a job with my new license. Problem is is that it won't be mine untill I finish the class beggining of December, and then I have to wait for the NR to send it to me snail-mail. *sighs* :-\
Then there is what I put one of my oldest and dearest friend through a week or two ago. I was feeling particulary dark and asked her if I stopped this tomarrow, would she consider marrying me. She...didn't give me a straight answer, not only that but I ended up making her cry as it became obvious that I was not the only one who was having some self image problems. Worse is that I suspect who it was that started it, and its making me feel...worse, bad, I don't know. ??? This also is the same woman I wanted to spend my life with, and is a very by-the-book-christian. I'm not sure what to do.
Finally, there is my constent agony over what to do with my life. On one hand I still stand by what I wrote about living by the truth. As I told my class, " I am not ashamed of what I am, and i'm not proud, it is simply who I am." However the feelings about leaving the NAVY still haunt me. I had so much, the promice of achievment, doing my dream job, being able to someday go places i'd only read in books. The Navy had started to heal my psyche and infuse me with purpose and worth, two things I honestly say I didn't have before. Then...THIS...happened. All because I was born...different! I honestly don't know what I would do if someone told me I could take a pill and wake up a complete man or woman tomarrow. I just don't know what anyone wants from me, and worse, I don't know what I want for myself. I have no core anymore, I have no self image. Everything that comes to mind is an over the top fantasy of what I know I will look like when finished.
Maybe its the stress, but it used to be before I was fired that I could look in the mirror and see the pretty woman everyone kept saying they could see. Now when I look I see...a man? Not a woman, but not a man, though I still want the image of a woman and to be seen and treated as one. *sighs*
For the first time in my life I feel so completly and utterly alone. I am surrounded by loving friends, and I feel like my God and Jesus are still trying to help me. But at the same time, I feel so utterly alone. Not even thoughts of suicide seem worthy of thought. Its like I just want to curl up in a corner and let the world wash over me. I don't want to die, but I don't know how to live. I have a fire in my soul, and no direction to apply to it. I had a plan, but as with every plan, nothing worked out with it.
I'm sorry, I know this is so dark, and I know there are those who are worse off then me. But...well i'm sorry. I plan to go sleep now, and try again in the morning. I promise not to do anything fatally stupid.
Title: Re: Feelings of...
Post by: Robyn on November 17, 2006, 10:56:33 PM
Post by: Robyn on November 17, 2006, 10:56:33 PM
As a retired Navy gal who's been working with the outfit for 50 years, let me say:
General Quarters
General Quarters
All hands man your battle stations.
Well, so it's not that bad, Elissa. Just wanted to get your attention.
While you're waiting for your license (I missed what kind), why not check out a few department stores or discout/mall shops. I'm sure they must be hiring for holiday part time work. That would give you some income and get you out of the house and around people.
Best wishes now and in the New Year.
Robyn
General Quarters
General Quarters
All hands man your battle stations.
Well, so it's not that bad, Elissa. Just wanted to get your attention.
While you're waiting for your license (I missed what kind), why not check out a few department stores or discout/mall shops. I'm sure they must be hiring for holiday part time work. That would give you some income and get you out of the house and around people.
Best wishes now and in the New Year.
Robyn