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Title: Hello everyone =]
Post by: April Dawne on July 07, 2010, 08:22:31 PM
Post by: April Dawne on July 07, 2010, 08:22:31 PM
My name is April, and I am 41. I'm not really sure how to start this introduction, so I suppose I'll just begin with some background.
From early childhood - and I mean the age of 5 - there was something different about me. Nobody, myself included, knew what it was. All I really knew was that "boy" things didn't interest me in the slightest. I gravitated toward barbie dolls, play ovens, jumping rope, hopscotch, etc. I didn't hang around with or play with boys, I associated with girls. In fact almost all the friends I have ever had have all been female, or trans.
Adults treated me like there was something wrong with a young boy playing with dolls, jumping rope, and associating with girls. I got told "boys do this" and "boys don't do that" all the time with the usual disapproving looks. Boys themselves began to catch on that I wasn't quite like them, and began teasing me. I began to withdraw from everyone, becoming repressed and introverted.
Throughout my life, the feminine stuff tried again and again to surface and would usually result in some cross-dressing and fantasizing and nothing more, then would fade as I continued trying to fit the mold I was constantly being forced into. I flirted with suicide; I had grown deeply depressed, moody, sullen, and solitary. I ended up with few friends, feeling as if I didn't matter to anyone. I was filled with self-loathing, and hated mirrors. I felt like a twisted, ugly, deformed THING that didn't deserve to live. I began to fantasize more and more about what it might be like to be a woman. Dressing in private became more frequent, and I started to dress for Halloween and costume parties.
I remember getting a catalog in the mail once that had all kinds of cross-dressing merchandise in it from breast forms to gaffs to clothing and everything in between. I looked through that catalog often, keeping it hidden from girlfriends; wishing I had the nerve to order from it, but fearful of what others might think when they found out. Much of the merchandise was rather pricey, so I never ended up getting anything.
I spent a good part of my life not knowing myself or what was going on. I didn't have any gay or trans friends to talk to, and I was brought up in a tiny little town away from anything that was "happening", so I knew nothing. I thought for years that there was something terribly wrong with me.
The turning point came when I began to stop hiding myself from everyone. I came out as bisexual, and that opened the door to meeting others in the GLBT community and learning more and more about it all. I became friends with a few drag performers and through them and a few close friends, I began to unravel the mystery that was ME.
The moment that I suddenly realized just who and what I was felt like the greatest epiphany in the history of humankind. Every seemingly random and meaningless event in my lift lined up and fell into place and suddenly it... I .... made sense. I knew, finally, who I was. I knew what I was meant to be. I finally knew what had been "wrong" with me all along.
I finally began my journey through transition somewhere between one and two years ago from the moment I first understood, until now. I have been on hormones for between four and five months. I just recently came out publicly to friends and family. Amazingly nearly everyone that was in my life before is still in my life today. For the first time in over 40 years I can honestly say I am happy to be alive. Everyone I know has seen it and commented on it. I no longer hate myself. The darkness and anger and hate and self-loathing are gone. The mirror doesn't bother me any more.
I know I have a long way to go, but still I am content in the knowledge that things are moving steadily in the right direction.
So hello everyone. My name is April, and I am happy to meet you!
<3
From early childhood - and I mean the age of 5 - there was something different about me. Nobody, myself included, knew what it was. All I really knew was that "boy" things didn't interest me in the slightest. I gravitated toward barbie dolls, play ovens, jumping rope, hopscotch, etc. I didn't hang around with or play with boys, I associated with girls. In fact almost all the friends I have ever had have all been female, or trans.
Adults treated me like there was something wrong with a young boy playing with dolls, jumping rope, and associating with girls. I got told "boys do this" and "boys don't do that" all the time with the usual disapproving looks. Boys themselves began to catch on that I wasn't quite like them, and began teasing me. I began to withdraw from everyone, becoming repressed and introverted.
Throughout my life, the feminine stuff tried again and again to surface and would usually result in some cross-dressing and fantasizing and nothing more, then would fade as I continued trying to fit the mold I was constantly being forced into. I flirted with suicide; I had grown deeply depressed, moody, sullen, and solitary. I ended up with few friends, feeling as if I didn't matter to anyone. I was filled with self-loathing, and hated mirrors. I felt like a twisted, ugly, deformed THING that didn't deserve to live. I began to fantasize more and more about what it might be like to be a woman. Dressing in private became more frequent, and I started to dress for Halloween and costume parties.
I remember getting a catalog in the mail once that had all kinds of cross-dressing merchandise in it from breast forms to gaffs to clothing and everything in between. I looked through that catalog often, keeping it hidden from girlfriends; wishing I had the nerve to order from it, but fearful of what others might think when they found out. Much of the merchandise was rather pricey, so I never ended up getting anything.
I spent a good part of my life not knowing myself or what was going on. I didn't have any gay or trans friends to talk to, and I was brought up in a tiny little town away from anything that was "happening", so I knew nothing. I thought for years that there was something terribly wrong with me.
The turning point came when I began to stop hiding myself from everyone. I came out as bisexual, and that opened the door to meeting others in the GLBT community and learning more and more about it all. I became friends with a few drag performers and through them and a few close friends, I began to unravel the mystery that was ME.
The moment that I suddenly realized just who and what I was felt like the greatest epiphany in the history of humankind. Every seemingly random and meaningless event in my lift lined up and fell into place and suddenly it... I .... made sense. I knew, finally, who I was. I knew what I was meant to be. I finally knew what had been "wrong" with me all along.
I finally began my journey through transition somewhere between one and two years ago from the moment I first understood, until now. I have been on hormones for between four and five months. I just recently came out publicly to friends and family. Amazingly nearly everyone that was in my life before is still in my life today. For the first time in over 40 years I can honestly say I am happy to be alive. Everyone I know has seen it and commented on it. I no longer hate myself. The darkness and anger and hate and self-loathing are gone. The mirror doesn't bother me any more.
I know I have a long way to go, but still I am content in the knowledge that things are moving steadily in the right direction.
So hello everyone. My name is April, and I am happy to meet you!
<3
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Janet_Girl on July 08, 2010, 01:09:28 AM
Post by: Janet_Girl on July 08, 2010, 01:09:28 AM
Hi April, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Welcome to our little family. Over 5100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Jillieann Rose on July 08, 2010, 05:15:52 AM
Post by: Jillieann Rose on July 08, 2010, 05:15:52 AM
Hi April,
Welcome to Susan's.
I was in my mid 50's before I figured out what I was.
Glad to meet you.
Jillieann
Welcome to Susan's.
I was in my mid 50's before I figured out what I was.
Glad to meet you.
Jillieann
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Lacey Lynne on July 09, 2010, 11:29:03 PM
Post by: Lacey Lynne on July 09, 2010, 11:29:03 PM
April:
First, yours is the classic case of the true transsexual. This is not just my opinion. Afterall, I'm no authority on this subject. Mildred L. Brown, a gender therapist of nearly 30 years' experience, is an expert on transsexuality. She wrote a book (by way of her amanuensis, Chloe Rounsley) entitled True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism-For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. This is the definitive tome about transsexualism in the layperson's literature on this subject. If you have not read it, I cannot urge you strongly enough to do so at once! Upon reading this most excellent book, you will at once, and with great enthusiasm, "recognize yourself" in its pages. It will be a true and most worhwhile epiphany. It certainly was for me and, I'm sure, for many people here at Susan's Place who have read it.
Second, the tone and tenor of your writing evinces an intelligence and sensitivity that is often times a defining hallmark of a transsexual. This IS my opinion, and I'll stand by it. Transsexuals have a much higher incidence of very high intelligence than the run of the people in the general populace at large. The way you express yourself clearly exhibits "your smarts." Soon, I will write about this very subject (high intelligence superimposed on transsexuality compounding and complicating a differential diagnosis of transsexuality by gender counselors) for the wiki staff here at Susan's Place. Between working fulltime, writing two books and starting a consultancy, I'm swamped and have not found the time to do this yet. My apologies.
Third, our stories are SO similar that it actually amazes me. I don't want to babble on and on (as those who notice my posts here will readily atest is my natural predilection and habitual wont), but, DARN, our stories are nearly identical.
I'll stop here. Don't mean to aggravate either you or anybody else here. I, for one, am very glad you are here at Susan's Place. I'm sure many others here warmly welcome you as well.
You'll find acceptance here. Welcome to the fold!
Happiness to You ... :) ... Lacey Lynne
First, yours is the classic case of the true transsexual. This is not just my opinion. Afterall, I'm no authority on this subject. Mildred L. Brown, a gender therapist of nearly 30 years' experience, is an expert on transsexuality. She wrote a book (by way of her amanuensis, Chloe Rounsley) entitled True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism-For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals. This is the definitive tome about transsexualism in the layperson's literature on this subject. If you have not read it, I cannot urge you strongly enough to do so at once! Upon reading this most excellent book, you will at once, and with great enthusiasm, "recognize yourself" in its pages. It will be a true and most worhwhile epiphany. It certainly was for me and, I'm sure, for many people here at Susan's Place who have read it.
Second, the tone and tenor of your writing evinces an intelligence and sensitivity that is often times a defining hallmark of a transsexual. This IS my opinion, and I'll stand by it. Transsexuals have a much higher incidence of very high intelligence than the run of the people in the general populace at large. The way you express yourself clearly exhibits "your smarts." Soon, I will write about this very subject (high intelligence superimposed on transsexuality compounding and complicating a differential diagnosis of transsexuality by gender counselors) for the wiki staff here at Susan's Place. Between working fulltime, writing two books and starting a consultancy, I'm swamped and have not found the time to do this yet. My apologies.
Third, our stories are SO similar that it actually amazes me. I don't want to babble on and on (as those who notice my posts here will readily atest is my natural predilection and habitual wont), but, DARN, our stories are nearly identical.
I'll stop here. Don't mean to aggravate either you or anybody else here. I, for one, am very glad you are here at Susan's Place. I'm sure many others here warmly welcome you as well.
You'll find acceptance here. Welcome to the fold!
Happiness to You ... :) ... Lacey Lynne
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Shang on July 09, 2010, 11:36:30 PM
Post by: Shang on July 09, 2010, 11:36:30 PM
Welcome!
That was a nice introduction and thank you for sharing!
Enjoy the stay!
That was a nice introduction and thank you for sharing!
Enjoy the stay!
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: V M on July 09, 2010, 11:47:55 PM
Post by: V M on July 09, 2010, 11:47:55 PM
Hi April :)
Welcome to Susan's
Welcome to Susan's
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: April Dawne on July 10, 2010, 12:13:13 AM
Post by: April Dawne on July 10, 2010, 12:13:13 AM
Thanks for the welcome everyone! It's nice to be here =]
Lacey, I will look into getting that book soon! And feel free to ramble all you want, especially in my direction =] you, too, seem to be a very intelligent person and I'm glad to be able to "talk" with you.
I hope to be able to give wisdom and advice as much as I receive it; although I will never claim to be any sort of expert on anything.
Thanks again for the warm welcome!
~April~
Lacey, I will look into getting that book soon! And feel free to ramble all you want, especially in my direction =] you, too, seem to be a very intelligent person and I'm glad to be able to "talk" with you.
I hope to be able to give wisdom and advice as much as I receive it; although I will never claim to be any sort of expert on anything.
Thanks again for the warm welcome!
~April~
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Cindy on July 10, 2010, 01:41:46 AM
Post by: Cindy on July 10, 2010, 01:41:46 AM
Hi April,
Really nice to meet you. Where are you country wise? I'm in Australia and we seem to have quite a group of girls from Aus at Susan's.
Funny how so many of our stories are alike. Proves we are totally normal with nothing to be ashamed about.
Welcome
Cindy
Really nice to meet you. Where are you country wise? I'm in Australia and we seem to have quite a group of girls from Aus at Susan's.
Funny how so many of our stories are alike. Proves we are totally normal with nothing to be ashamed about.
Welcome
Cindy
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Colleen Ireland on July 10, 2010, 07:17:46 AM
Post by: Colleen Ireland on July 10, 2010, 07:17:46 AM
Hi, April. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I hope we can get to know each other - and this DOES look like a great place! I only just joined myself, but Welcome!
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Hermione01 on July 10, 2010, 08:25:34 AM
Post by: Hermione01 on July 10, 2010, 08:25:34 AM
Hi and welcome AprilDawn :)
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: April Dawne on July 10, 2010, 09:40:23 AM
Post by: April Dawne on July 10, 2010, 09:40:23 AM
Thank you Cindy, Kim, and Hermione, for the warm welcome! <3
I grew up and live in New Hampshire, USA which is in the far Northeast corner of the US very near Canada. I have been in New Hampshire my whole life, although I have traveled a bit outside of NH (unfortunately not outside the country, but I hope to).
I'm really happy to be here, and I can already tell I will learn and grow from this experience =]
~April~
I grew up and live in New Hampshire, USA which is in the far Northeast corner of the US very near Canada. I have been in New Hampshire my whole life, although I have traveled a bit outside of NH (unfortunately not outside the country, but I hope to).
I'm really happy to be here, and I can already tell I will learn and grow from this experience =]
~April~
Title: Re: Hello everyone =]
Post by: Colleen Ireland on July 10, 2010, 10:02:15 AM
Post by: Colleen Ireland on July 10, 2010, 10:02:15 AM
Quote from: AprilDawn on July 10, 2010, 09:40:23 AM
I'm really happy to be here, and I can already tell I will learn and grow from this experience =]
I second that, April, with a vengance! Wow, I love this place already. I was born in Iowa, and while growing up lived in Minnesota and Pennsylvania before moving to Montreal, Canada at age 13. I am now living near Toronto, Canada, and am a dual citizen (sigh - one more piece of identification that may eventually need to be changed, lol...). Since I've lived way longer in Canada than the U.S., I feel more Canadian than American, just like I feel more feminine than masculine. I still remember the Pledge of Allegance and the National Anthem, tho...