Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have a question.  Before transition, did anyone ever use anything to try to ease the pain.  I used to read a lot of transgendered fiction at a place called storysite.org.  I tried to read stories that were the most realistic and stayed away from the XXX fiction.  When I see characters in TV shows that have similar traits to myself, it gives me hope.  What did everyone else use to ease the anguish? 

I read a lot of science fiction, and wrote (still write) it too. I feel like a preteen/early teens boy who never grew up properly, so I guess it's fitting (the golden age of science fiction is twelve, after all!) I also play online games as an escape from reality.

And in reality, I ended up being sort of weirdly hypermasculine - much more so than I really am - being a firefighter, serving in the military, playing baseball, studying physics, anything that asserted "I'm not like those other girls."

I actually played MMOs constantly. It was like living in another world where I didn't have to think about my own issues

Quote from: Jerica on July 12, 2010, 03:18:23 PM
I actually played MMOs constantly. It was like living in another world where I didn't have to think about my own issues

You have nice videos on youtube. 

Well, if you follow the reports about T Toxicity, you might just try some anti-androgens.  A lot of medical professionals will give those out immediately, as a first step before prescribing E.

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm (http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm)

Not sure if this is what you mean, but I've gotten more into hobbies in the past 12 years or so.  Note that I've been in deep denial about my dysphoria for almost 30 years, but in the past 12 years I've gotten into model airplanes, home brewing (all-grain, from scratch), and making musical instruments.  I made a violin between 2007-2009.  By hand, from scratch.  And I read voraciously, mostly biographies and non-fiction, but also literature (and, okay, some pulp fiction, who am I kidding?).  Lest you say that these all seem like masculine pursuits for a girl, well, I have observed women enjoying all of these, and also I haven't started transitioning yet.  No idea if I would still have all these interests post-transition, but I think they'll always be a part of me.  Meantime, since I've become self-aware about my dysphoria, it's increasingly difficult to pay attention to anything else...  :(

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Post Merge: July 12, 2010, 07:40:56 PM

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Quote from: Jerica on July 12, 2010, 03:18:23 PM
I actually played MMOs constantly. It was like living in another world where I didn't have to think about my own issues

MMOs?

Quote from: Kim Ireland on July 12, 2010, 07:40:03 PM
MMOs?

Massive Multiplayer Online games. Think World of Warcraft or Second Life.

Thanks.  My biggest game addiction is computer solitaire...  ::)

Your not alone Kim.  Solitaire and Mah-jong for me. 

A GP had me try Lexapro, which (to my literal astonishment) nuked a lot of my dysphoria for several months. Then it quit working and I just recently managed to break my addiction to it.

Well I drank enough alcohol to drown a walrus every night. Passed out a lot. And in the waking moments got into a lot of arguments.

I wouldn't recommend any of that. But you did ask.  ;)

Transition is a much more pleasant option.

Quote from: Kim Ireland on July 12, 2010, 09:01:11 PM
Thanks.  My biggest game addiction is computer solitaire...  ::)

I'm SO addicted to playing solitaire hahaha

Quote from: lauren3332 on July 12, 2010, 07:31:31 PM
You have nice videos on youtube.

Thank you =)

Yes, I also drank a lot. It was completely useless to deal with dysphoria. I'm glad that part of my life is over and now I don't drink much at all, and it feels great!
Once I really dealt with the problem, all the others stopped, almost overnight. I was able to feel good just knowing I was on the right course.  :)

Quote from: Jerica on July 12, 2010, 03:18:23 PM
I actually played MMOs constantly. It was like living in another world where I didn't have to think about my own issues

Ditto.  I was sure it was just an escape mechanism when my desire to play evaporated completely upon beginning HRT.

MMO-player here, as well, though... Well; WoW simply doesn't hold for me any more.. (Waiting for the next expansion pack!)
I'm not that much of an escapist, and at the same time, I am... For me, it's mostly writing, talking, forumming...
Of course I do have my Dungeons and Dragons night every week.  :laugh: I'm súch a nerd...
But really; it's fun. My new character is a zombie cleric who specializes in healing. ;)

Anyway.. Easing the anguish of Dysphoria..? I try to not look down too much.. Try to ignore my body, and let my 'false' self-image take over. So.. I'm balancing just away from actual anguish, and am quite constantly in 'merely very unconfortable.'
Apart from that: Busy, busy, busy! Lots of things I can do, lots of things to do! Every minute not spent doing something is.. My precious illusion being shattered. So.. Escapism. Yeah.

I'm at that point of trying to distract myself too, and sadly my World of Warcraft habit lapsed all too recently when I ran out of money. ^^;

Second Life, though not an MMO, was a big part of my life for 4 years. It definitely helped me realise that I was trans, and it became a bit of a crutch as I later experimented with a feminine me. I had to end that though, as I felt it was becoming a sink for other feelings I might have better results with in first life. So, I did as all the best people do and brought elements of it back into reality - and found out I actually could consider transition. :)

Nowadays I either bludgeon my senses with other PC games, keep writing games designs, or let more anguish in with job-hunting - just keeping busy really, particularly if I can dress properly while at it.

I can't really say I recommend the jobseeking gauntlet as therapy. It doesn't help much. ;)

Pre transition...

Played violent video games
Played violent music and hung out with not so nice people
Perused a career as the next Keith Richards (and a plethora of other rock stars and there associated bad habits)
Listened to violent music
Spent way too much sober time reading sci-fi/fantasy novels
Being a lonely mean self loathing person.

My guitar playing is better than ever. I spend alot of time distracting myself learning complicated solos and building, buying, and customizing everything guitar related!


Nothing really works though. I'm starting HRT soon. I think that may be the ticket.

Quote from: jillblum on July 15, 2010, 02:11:10 AM
My guitar playing is better than ever. I spend alot of time distracting myself learning complicated solos and building, buying, and customizing everything guitar related!


Nothing really works though. I'm starting HRT soon. I think that may be the ticket.

I played for more than ten years before transition, but I didn't really get good until after transition, and going to college, and getting a job.  It's amazing how much time is freed up by no longer obsessing over transition, and guitar is something a person can really immerse themselves in.  It's the most expressive, polyphonic instrument, and discovering tone secrets can just be mindblowing and addictive, especially if you have the money to sink into gear.

Sadly there ain't no relief me thinks.....

(And think of it more of simply being the 'human' condition)

All I know is during my twenties...my life reached a point where I couldn't continue with the 'male'.....lie....

So I had to free my 'inner' self....and this is where professional counselling helped me.... as their confirmation of my underlying problem...triggered permission within me to forgive myself....and like myself....

I will not tell you the journey through to the other side isn't hard, but then how do we think it is for someone that has to get up everyday to tray and beat cancer, or lives with severe diabetes or a whole host of other typical medical problemos....?

But now I'm in my 50's I consider myself to be so very lucky....to have lived half my life as the woman I always knew myself to really be...

Which is why I always liked that sci-fi Deep Space 9 character - Jadzia Dax and the way the station commander would refer to her as 'old man'

'Live long and prosper'... good advice that!....lol

Glendagoodwitch,
Sounds like a I found a kindred spirit! I'm a Gibson girl primarily but I have Fender's, Martins, and others. What's your guitar of choice?
As for the money. I plan my major purchases way in advance.  ;)

BTW Susan's is a great way to ease the anguish too!

Quote from: jillblum on July 16, 2010, 08:52:27 AM
BTW Susan's is a great way to ease the anguish too!

Echoed. That's definitely true. :)

I wrote music...quite dark and disturbing electronic stuff. It wasn't always an escape because i'd get very frustrated and not be able to write anything.

Quote from: jillblum on July 16, 2010, 08:52:27 AM
Glendagoodwitch,
Sounds like a I found a kindred spirit! I'm a Gibson girl primarily but I have Fender's, Martins, and others. What's your guitar of choice?

I also choose Gibson.  My LP is my main guitar.  I play some covers, like hendrix, zeppelin, and metallica, and my own arrangements of old 50s and 60s songs that usually make those songs rock a little harder.  But mostly I compose original stuff improvisationally. 

I have a strat relic that stays in mothballs, and taylor and martin acoustics.  I usually prefer the taylor for plugging in.  It has maple back and sides and the tone really sparkles with an aural enhancer built into the california blonde acoustic amp that I use.  I mostly flat pick with an electric guitar, but I play fingerstyle acoustic guitar. 

I have some nice amps, electric drums, PA system, and recording studio, but that's all packed up right now until I sell my house and move out of this dinky apartment I'm in right now.  I'm just getting by for now with a couple of small amps, and a pedal board with an amp switcher and a loop pedal on it.  Even my Taylor is packed away, but I bought a Little Martin and keep it stuck behind the couch where I can pull it out during commercial breaks.

I was addicted to Second Life, my Avatar was who I wished I was and hope to be LOL! It helped a lot but in the end actually made mt feelings stronger in the end.

I'm feeling the anguish anew... I was in denial for so long, I actually forgot what it felt like.  It totally sucks.  I had been experiencing this for a few weeks, and because I was worrying about revealing things to my wife, like coming out to her, I was thinking it was about that, but now that all is out in the open, and I'm still feeling like this, I know what it is now.  I remember it now from so long ago.  And yes, Susan's does help some, but I need so much more.  I do hope I can find solace soon...

Yay Les Pauls! I have a nicely yellowed 83' white custom (main guitar) and a 72' black beauty. One american and one mexican strat, a black SG, 59 Dano reissue and a Martin acoustic. I have Orange, Marshall and Fender tube amps. I compose original material as well. Lately though I've been focusing on growing as a lead player. I've spent the last few years unlearning bad habits, sharpening my ear and my timing while learning my favorite solos. I'm currently in the third Zeppelin renaissance of my lifetime  ;D  I also love Hendrix, Randy Rhodes, Jack White, Richie Blackmore, early Eric Clapton,  Sabbath, Maiden, Priest, and more. I practice 6 days a week since I began transition so I guess it's been a very productive crutch!!