Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I came out to my wife this past week.  We had a session with the marriage counselor on Tuesday, and this was "Truth Time", because she had busted me a couple of weeks ago for smoking (I've been a closet smoker for years, among other things, lol), and had then asked "Are there any other things you've been hiding from me?"  Bingo.  So we had agreed that we would wait until we were in our next counseling session to deal with these things.

I began the session saying that when we got married, there were a number of things I was hiding about myself, specifically the gender dysphoria and also thoughts of suicide that had been with me since high school.  When we had been married only a year and a half, I had attempted suicide, which brought the dysphoria to light, and we did talk about it some at the time, but I ended up minimizing it and burying it, then going into denial for the next several decades.  But I said that I had recently been on a journey of self-examination and rediscovery related to our marital problems - I simply HAD to understand why we've been having such problems all along, and one of the things I had discovered was that these gender issues, which we had both assumed were long since dealt with, ancient history, were actually still very much an issue with me.

So we talked about it for the hour, and the counselor was asking her what her feelings were, and she said it wasn't such a big surprise to her, as she has had her suspicions for some time that things weren't quite "right" between us, but didn't want to look too closely at things.  She was avoiding the issues also.

Later in the week, we had another talk, she had done some research on the Internet into mental health professionals, and was saying that perhaps a psychotherapist could help me, because she's thinking that maybe this is something ELSE - I've always had massive self-esteem issues, and there has always been a parent/child dynamic between us.  But I told her also that this is something that's been with me for a very long time, that when I was too young to have heard about transgender, I was feeling this way, and that when I was young, and in my teen years, I did a number of things to try to SEE myself as the girl I felt like (cross-dressing, etc.). 

One interesting thing is that she is apparently exploring the idea of wanting to stay married, in the event I should decide to transition.  She has asked several times if we could still live together.  She's afraid I will leave her.  She works part-time now, but she said she will be going back full-time in the fall, and she says it's to take some of the financial pressure off me, but I also think she may be positioning herself to deal with a possible separation.  But in the meantime, she wants us to continue as "normal" as possible, and she seems pretty stable emotionally.  More so than me, to tell the truth - I keep feeling like crying, but I think that's the dysphoria that I'm now allowing myself to experience fully, having kept it "in check" for so many years.

So I will be seeing my family doctor on Tuesday, and blowing his mind by asking for a referral to a gender identity clinic for assessment.  After that, we'll have to see how things go.  For the moment, I'm trying to stay positive, and keep an open mind, as is my wife.  We'll take it one day at a time.  Glad this is finally out in the open.

You seem to have taken the first step kim.

But on the matter of your marriage. May I suggest, strongly, that, if you do intend to stay with your wife, and I hope you do, then you should tell her, in no uncertain terms, right now.

She is obviously feeling insecure about this. If her insecurity continues, she could do what I think most would, and prepare herself to leave.

Sadly, once that process begins, its a long journey back.

It isn't my, or anyone else's place to tell you what to do. But I will say this.

Lonliness sucks.

If you want to keep your relationship and your best friend, then tell her now.

Hi Kim,

Your post struck a cord with me as I have been in the exact same position as you are now. The only thing I can offer is my ear if you want to talk about it with some one that can relate.

PM me if you feel the need (hugs)

-Cami

Thanks, girls.  I have indeed told her repeatedly that I intend to stay no matter what, I think her uncertainty is over whether I might transition.  And truthfully, I think it's too early to be making any predictions, but I can say that I definitely feel like I would like to transition.  But I know that would be hard on her, and in the absence of (so far) an assessment, I can't really be more specific with her on that point.  She'd feel I was diagnosing myself, and/or maybe convincing myself, and think it reflects on her.  These are very tricky waters indeed.  Certainly when I go for assessment, if the "verdict" is that I am truly TG, then I will talk with her very seriously right away about what the future might hold for us, and what my intentions are.  Tell ya, the way I'm feeling right now, I'm pretty sure I'd benefit from HRT and hope it could be soon, because I can't go back into denial, and the pain I'm feeling now is close to unbearable.  I get weepy, and my breath comes in gasps sometimes, as if I've been crying.  Anyway, thanks for listening...

I am in a dual transition marriage and I can honestly say it is harder to be the spouse than the transsexual.
Life is going to become confusing and scary for her when you actively start transition. Every minor change to her will be momentous and very glaring. No matter how mundane the changes seem to you.
Keep her heart and stability in your heart and walk carefully. You have had a lifetime to come to terms with this, she has not.

Most marriages fail when a spouse comes out as trans and even in a home with both parties being trans the issues can become hard to deal with so I can imagine that a cisgender spouse will have even more issues.

It can be worked out, there are people who do make it but just be aware, you may not come out of this on the other side with a partner.

Hugz
Cynthia Lee

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on July 17, 2010, 12:11:26 PM
Thanks, girls.  I have indeed told her repeatedly that I intend to stay no matter what, I think her uncertainty is over whether I might transition.  And truthfully, I think it's too early to be making any predictions, but I can say that I definitely feel like I would like to transition.  But I know that would be hard on her, and in the absence of (so far) an assessment, I can't really be more specific with her on that point.  She'd feel I was diagnosing myself, and/or maybe convincing myself, and think it reflects on her.  These are very tricky waters indeed.  Certainly when I go for assessment, if the "verdict" is that I am truly TG, then I will talk with her very seriously right away about what the future might hold for us, and what my intentions are.  Tell ya, the way I'm feeling right now, I'm pretty sure I'd benefit from HRT and hope it could be soon, because I can't go back into denial, and the pain I'm feeling now is close to unbearable.  I get weepy, and my breath comes in gasps sometimes, as if I've been crying.  Anyway, thanks for listening...

I'm really pleased for you Colleen, and, to be frank, very proud.

You've done the right thing. You've brought something out into the open which concerns you both.

As cynthia says, it isn't going to be easy, but you've taken the first step.

You come across as considerate, so I'm sure you will be thinking of your wife. Hopefully she will pick up of this and respond in kind.

Thank you for sharing this.