Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I joined this group for some advice.

My worries are

1. Will we still be able to have children after the HRT
2. what do I do about the fact that I'm not attracted to women?

(Im going to call your SO 'he' because you are doing do)

I wouldn't worry about conceiving, it is so easy to have him put some sperm away in a sperm bank and come back later to get it if you ever want children from him biologically. 

and as for not being attracted to women.. I guess if you love him enough you will love him however he looks. He will still be the person you fell in love with, just happier (I would hope)

Congratulations on finding someone to love! That being said, you might be in trouble. Re: the family situation, it's not stupid to worry. The hormones will make her sterile. And she will begin to look female - eventually indistinguishable from someone who was born female. So that means you have a really hard decision to make. If your partner transitions, do you try to stick it out and make it work as a lesbian relationship? Or do you try to convert this love you share into a lasting friendship? Or do you cut ties and try to move on?

If your partner truly is a trans girl, just be aware that trying to have a hetero relationship is simply not realistic, and if that's what you have your heart set on, eventually someone's going to get hurt. Probably both of you. The options for a woman in a relationship with a transitioning trans girl are lesbian partners, friends, or nothing.

Sterile?? D:

Wow. That's so not okay with me.

Will we still be able to have sex?

While Kyril makes some good points, I have to go with Elijah on this one.

I'll also add that, people's appearance changes regardless. When you love someone and share their life, you don't really notice. The changes come gradually and are only really apparent when you look at an old photo.

I will also suggest that, he will be miserable if he doesn't change.

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Post Merge: July 21, 2010, 06:31:58 PM

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Quote from: PrincessCL on July 21, 2010, 06:28:10 PM
Sterile?? D:

Wow. That's so not okay with me.

Will we still be able to have sex?

yep. But like all sex, that will change with time as well.  ;D

Oh. Well that's fine then.

We'll just have to get the babies before the hormone replacement therapy.

He's cute in a skirt anyway >_>

She (he) can store their sperm in a sperm bank, and should you wish to have children, through some magic that I won't pretend to understand they can pop it inside you and you can still have his/her children.

Why are you refering to this person by masculine pronouns? ??? I don't want to be blunt, but I think you've fallen in love with the false male persona of this individual. If you want to get into a relationship with her, you need to accept the fact that "he" does not exist or it will end in heartbreak.

Most of us know that we're likely to loose our significant others when we transition.
It's one of the things that terrified me the most when it came to my own hormones.
I have a partner that's "pansexual" (basically it's like bi, except it includes androgynous and gender fluid people and so on just as easily) and loves me for who I am, not what's in my pants, and none the less, neither of us knew for a fact whether he'd still be as attracted to me once on the hormones, let alone once they hormones had worked their magic.

They will change your "boyfriend's" body and how it works to be more feminine, more "her".

Attraction to people is more complex than "men, women, or both". After all, you didn't fall in love with her (I'm sorry, I can't say him, it just doesn't work in my head) penis.
If she had some horrible accident and lost her whole set of genitals in 'em, would you stop loving her completely?

It's probably important to take it slow (without trying to make her wait longer than she can), for the both of you, and for you specifically to read as much as you can, even watch some documentaries, and try to understand what you can of what it is to be trasgender.
Communication is desperately needed as well, you guys have to sit down and talk about what you want from one another, and about children.
And you have to understand that even if you have children, it's probably for the best if she starts her transition while they're young, so that she'll be more happy/less stressed and thus have more to give her children as they grow up. You can't ask her to be an unhappy dad until they're all grown up.

It is always possible that you can't be with her after transition in that way, that the romantic and sexual aspect of the relationship dies down, if you are unable to overcome the changes to the packaging to still love the person she's always been on the inside. But you both should do your best to keep from assigning any blame to one another IF that happens.

You could come out the other end, the best of friends, with children that need you both to be happy and healthy to have the best chance of a good life.
You could also come out the other end a happy lesbian couple, raising children together.
You can't tell the future, and even if you could it would still not be set in stone 'till after the fact.

Talk, listen, read, learn, and try.

And try not to let the future spoil what you have today.
Love as much as you can.
And if ever it fails, remember her for the love, not for the contents of her pants.

In response to:

"but I think you've fallen in love with the false male persona of this individual."

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I think you should try not to judge people so quickly. I've known this man for almost 5 years now. It's not my fault if he's only JUST decided to let me know he's a girl. XD

Everyone's given some good advice. However, I would avoid being too optimistic as to the children and sex questions. First off, does she want to be a dad? Some trans women don't. Secondly, does she want SRS (sex reassignment surgery)? If so, then obviously your sex life will change. Not to mention that the hormones often interfere with erection capabilities.

Miniar, you are a beautiful, inspiring person.

It is true that I didn't fall in love with him for his body.

I suppose this whole thing is just very new and complicated and scary. I can't imagine ever falling out of love with him.

I am not here to play the victim. I am here to get some answers. To learn how to understand and accept the person I love.

I really have to second the others here.

You and her should have a sit-down talk about this and what you both want out of life.  She really shouldn't be forced to stay with the male persona she's had to endure her whole life, not for anyone. 

You could also probably start calling "her" instead of "him", that might help the relationship because she is definitely a she regardless of her body.

Hello,
I am in a somewhat unique situation in that I am not only a transsexual, my spouse is also in transition. I am getting to see the effects of transition from both sides.
I wish you the best of outcomes for your future relationship but I will be brutaly honest with you. Once your mate starts hormonal transition life is going to change imediatly. In the first month she will have difficulty attaining and maintaining erections. Over the next few months her skin tone is going to become soft and suple and alot of her muscle will start disapearing. In 6 months aproxamatly she will be completely sterile and chances are erections will be a serious chore too attain. Her recactions and emotions will change substantialy to a more female state.
What I am saying here is your spouse will go from physicaly a male to a female. If you are not at least bisexual this relationship can not survive as a sexual relationship and BFF is the best you can hope for.

I KNEW my mate was trans long before I married hir and even though I was well warned I am still not completely ok or ready for all the changes in my spouse. Even though I started my transition before s/he did. It is complicated and hard to be the spouse of a transperson.

Just be honest with yourself and her and it will work out for the best. Just do not get too set on a certain outcome.

Yeah and about the baby thing.
Unless the person you are with is dead set on being a dad, or mom umber 2, drop it. Most women who have transitioned would find the concept of 'fathering' traumatic, could even be suicide educing. Allot of us, myself included would love to be a parent, but only as a mother.

Also theres the little fact that babies do not make you closer or any less likely to fight and part ways, infact they typically quickly speed things up if they are going south. Even in the happiest of marriages couples have very little intimacy compared to before the kids.

I can't believe you even used the word "suicide educing"
I think you mean "suicide inducing." But suicide is a choice. And even if he did choose that, it would solely be the choice of the person that pulled the trigger, not the one who "induced" it. And I'm sorry but I don't see how having the chance to make a healthy, happy family would make him suicidal.

If my lover doesn't want children he can simply say no and leave. I am not trying to force him to be a father. Nor do I think having children will magically fix or strengthen my relationship with him.

I don't know where you got that idea, but it certainly wasn't from me. O_o

Wow guess I'll add in my two cents baring in my that it is all only my opinion. My ex found out after she was with me for a while that I was trans and I agree with everyone that the first step is proper pronouns of what s/he prefers to be called. Second is... they are right. Some relationships can't take someone coming out as trans because that person, though they are the same "soul" you fell in love with they are gonna change a little. Will you be okay with those changes? Beginning your search for information and to learn is a great start and I really think you found the right forum to help you. All I can say is communication is key. Good luck to you and your partner  :)

Quote from: PrincessCL on August 10, 2010, 02:35:16 PM
And I'm sorry but I don't see how having the chance to make a healthy, happy family would make him suicidal.

If my lover doesn't want children he can simply say no and leave.

Ok...  If your partner is in fact MtF, the mere thought of "fathering" a child could be extremely repulsive, as well as painful and offensive.  If they even want children, they likely would want to be seen as a mother, and not a father.  How would that sit with you?  How would you feel if you were allowed to have children, but on the condition of being addressed as "he" and "father?"  Living in a "happy family" where you must play the role of someone you are not could most definitely make one suicidal, or at least very unhappy.

Also, if you're basically saying "If you don't want kids, get out" then this relationship may be doomed anyway.  Not everyone wants kids, and 'add happy family and stir' isn't going to make someone happy if that's not the kind of life they want.  That attitude isn't likely to get you anywhere either.  If you really love this person, shouldn't you be more willing to talk things through? 

Best of luck, but if you're 'in love with this TG girl' and you want to make this relationship work, you're going to need to work on your communication skills and start respecting her identity.

Okay. Can I just ask one question? Why all the hostility? Why so many assumptions??

Why do you just ASSUME I haven't already asked my SO if he'd like children?? Why do you just ASSUME he hasn't already said yes?
Why do you just ASSUME he has a problem with the pronouns I use when I refer to him?

We're talking about someone I've been with for years. I wake up to him every morning! We've already talked about all of this!

I simply asked "will it be physically possible for him to get me pregnant once he's started on the Estrogen?" You guys have already given me the answer I wanted. "No."

This conversation is over. That is why I locked the topic. Someone has unlocked it now, so I continue to receive emails filled with people making assumptions and lecturing me about how I should treat my SO.

Can you stop harassing me already?

Farm Boy, why do you ASSUME I've told him he can ONLY be a father? For your information, what I told him is that I want to have kids while it is physically possible but that I still want him to get his HRT asap afterwards so he can fit his dress for the wedding pics. If I want him showing his true colors for our wedding pictures, why would i want him to pretend to be male 7 years later when the kids are actually even old enough to CARE what gender their parents are?? O_o

Let me go back and address this comment as well.
"Also, if you're basically saying "If you don't want kids, get out" then this relationship may be doomed anyway"

We are two very different people. We need and want very different things to be happy with our adult lives. I want to be a mother. He wants to get into the body he should have been born with ASAP. These are two conflicting dreams that we are just going to have to compromise with. We're only 20. If he can not wait 2 years so we can actually graduate and have some realistic hope to even AFFORD his therapy then maybe the relationship SHOULD be 'doomed.'

I love him and he loves me. We want each other.
I want him to be happy. He wants me to be happy.
I want kids. He wants therapy.

I don't see why we can't just both have what we want? Why should I give up my dreams? Why should he give up his? We are both reasonable adults who respect each others wants and needs. If it were possible for him to transition and THEN have the kids I would do that but since it is NOT physically possible I will ask him to postpone the transition.

Is that such a crime?

This is not by any means the usual scenario. He is not 30-50 and FINALLY coming to terms with his true self. We are young and have our whole lives ahead of us. I want to do this RIGHT before we mess it up. That's why I asked you guys for advice. Thanks to you I now know that he should not begin the HRT until he has no more need for functional male genitalia.

I am grateful for the insight but I would now like to ask that no one else jump on my back assuming I'm abusing my SO and putting my needs before his because I'm NOT.

Neither of us is employed right now. We are full time students that can not afford therapy OR children. I joined this group in the hopes of being proactive and receiving knowledge from those who knew better because they are older and more experienced.

You have provided that. Thank you. Now can we please let this drop?