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ok so.. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. He isnt gay, he feels pansexual, he just likes people he says.  But he likes women a lot, which makes me feel really jealous.. not the fact that he thinks about women, but the fact that they are women.. if he thought about men more I wouldn't feel as bad.  When I say he likes women, I mean he watches women in porn, sees hot girls and points them out to me.

anyway, the problem is that ^ but also I know his ex is trying to get back with him.  They dated for 2 years and he broke up with her.  She texts him, and talks to him on facebook, and he told me that the other day she told him they should go out to eat at a restaurant (the one they always went on romantic dates)

anyway, I know I can trust him and he doesn't want to be with her, but I cant help but feel really possessive and jealous about it.


also its kinda hard being someone's exception.  I know he isnt gay, so its like Im just a one time situation, I guess I have a hard time understanding how he is attracted to me.

I think the only thing that can break jealousy is confidence and trust.

That said, I can understand why you'd be upset.

I can understand your jealousy, and I'd honestly have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him you're not fond of when he points out other girls to you and you're not fond of him going to a restaurant with his ex (especially a restaurant where they had romantic dates at).  Then, if he didn't even bother to try and curb what he does or scoffs at my feelings, I'd probably break it off.  I was in a relationship with someone who does what your boyfriend does and it turned into a living hell and I thought a lot like you did, and then my ex went and cheated on me, so now I have no tolerance for guys doing that sort of behavior.

I also second Lachlann.  Confidence and trust help break severe jealousy, though some jealousy is pretty normal and can sometimes let you know that you like the person.

he isnt going to go on the date with this girl at all.. it just makes me jealous that she is talking to him.

I love him, this isnt enough to make me break up with him at all

I understand.  It also ties in a bit with dysphoria.  Because when my partner mentions liking a girl, a celebrity or something, I become stupid and irrational and make dumb comments like "but she has BOOBIES" then cringe at myself.  It's because I am scared that I am being seen as a woman, even though I know I'm not, because I know my partner likes women.  It also hurts me inside when my partner says ze is "gay" because I am scared the other person will see hir female body and think 'lesbian' then see me and think 'woman'. 

But well, if you love them you go with it.  I know most of it is from my insecurities and not because I have a problem with hir liking the female body. 

Avoid doing anything that will make you controlling. Don't tell him to stop texting or talking to her. I have an ex who was jealous about me talking to another ex while he and I were dating, and it got to be a HUGE problem. Just tell him what is bothering you and be honest about why it bothers you. Explaining it well will help him understand why you feel the way you do and he'll be more likely to take what you tell him into consideration.

I deal with jealousy pretty bad mostly because of the nature of the relationship I have. My manfriend and I are not going with the technical term of "dating" for our relationship. For the most part we are monogamous, but we do something like consensual infedelity. If one of us is interested in sex with someone else, we discuss it and ask for permission from the other partner. Thing is, my manfriend is VERY attractive, and this is not just an opinion that I have because I happen to be in a relationship with him. He is a strapping fellow. Now most people know of the status of our relationship, and generally decent people do not attempt to hook up with he or I, but he gets a lot of attention from less-than-reputable girls(aka- really huge sluts). He enjoys the attention he gets from these girls and likes to flirt with them in return even if he isn't interested in them.
Now my jealousy comes from a couple different things. One, I recognize that I am not a bad looking guy myself, but I'm jealous that he gets so much more attention from girls than I do and it almost makes me feel like "the ugly one" of the couple. Two, he changes his behaviour around attractive girls and will refuse affection and will give me minimal attention in their company. And three, even though we do not have the title of "boyfriends", I still feel a sense of commitment to him and he feels the same to me. I honestly don't find many people I am interested in, but he finds plenty and it makes me jealous of these girls when he expresses interest in people other than me.
Also, he identifies as "heteroflexible", meaning that while he is primarily attracted to women, guys are not totally out of the question for him (in the physical sense or in the sense of gender). I have actually noticed that he prefers female-bodied people with masculine personalities and attitudes.

I think u should tell him what's bothering u.

Kinda different, but when I was still presenting as a girl/being a girl, I was going out with a girl who had been considered hetero, so it was her first "gay" relationship, although it wasn't really that.  I used to get so uber jealous when she'd mention a hot guy.  There was this huge picture of this hot guy with awesome chest tattoos outside a hairdresser that she would drool over.  I would feel awful because I didn't look like that and I couldn't see how she'd be attracted to me.  I was jealous every time she'd talk to a guy, because they had a flat chest and what not and I had a girl body and couldn't see how she'd be attracted to me.  I'd worry every time we had sex and we ended up never having sex.

It's so easy to let jealousy consume you.  I reckon you should talk to yr boyf.  Never helps to internalise stuff.

lol a transguy I dated was possessive early on, but it seemed more like paranoia. I think it depends on how secure in yourself you are. He was seriously scared I'd leave him for a cisguy even before his transition because I never chose a definite orientation while with him.
We ended up trading roles on this later on when I felt like he'd drop me for other women who didn't know his origins.
This all taught me this...
Jealousy is insecurity in it's worst form. When you're jealous it means you're afraid that you're not living up to what you think that person deserves and that they might leave you for something more their "type" 

Yes you have to trust him and have confidence, BUT TALK TO HIM. Gotta keep open the line of communication. Let him know you're uncomfortable with it and that you know it's stupid and that you trust him. Keep your heart open to him and keep him on the same level

Much luv. Keepp us updated

Not in the same situation, but my current girlfriend is the one who gets jealous.  We have been together over a year now, and before her I was with my ex for almost 3 years.  Me and my ex used to be really close even before we started dating.  She was just kinda always there for me and it was cool I could say ANYTHING around her and she was totally cool with it.  She cheated on  me several times, which really didn't bother me (is that odd?) or effect our relationship at all.  What put the most stress on us was my transition.  She didn't understand it and I felt like she never took me seriously, she acted like it was just a phase.

Nowadays, my current girl hates me talking to my ex.  She has explained to me why, and I have defended myself over and over and over again.  It got to the point where I couldn't even message her, so I stopped talking to her all together.  Now I have one less friend because my girl was jealous.

It makes me laugh when she says its fine for me to talk to my ex, and then when I do she turns around and yells at me for it.  I love my girl but I wish she would just trust me a bit more.

In my opinion you should talk to your SO about how you feel, but don't try to control him or who he talks to.  It just hurts more than it helps.

My boyfriend is also very attracted to women.  I have gotten him to admit to his man-crushes though. (Zac Efron, who wouldn't do that guy?)  I look at it this way, even if he is making an exception for me, shouldn't that be an ego boost?  I mean, I'm so awesome a [practically] straight guy will date me!  ;)

My advice:  Don't worry about it.  As other people have said, jealousy comes from a fear of him leaving you.  If he wants to leave you, he will; ex or no ex.  You seem pretty sure he doesn't want to leave you.  The same thing goes, he'll stay with you; ex or no ex.

Quote from: SnailPace on July 29, 2010, 11:53:35 PM
My boyfriend is also very attracted to women.  I have gotten him to admit to his man-crushes though. (Zac Efron, who wouldn't do that guy?)  I look at it this way, even if he is making an exception for me, shouldn't that be an ego boost?  I mean, I'm so awesome a [practically] straight guy will date me!  ;)

My advice:  Don't worry about it.  As other people have said, jealousy comes from a fear of him leaving you.  If he wants to leave you, he will; ex or no ex.  You seem pretty sure he doesn't want to leave you.  The same thing goes, he'll stay with you; ex or no ex.

-raises hand- I wouldn't do Zac Efron...

I feel the same way; my partner is technically a straight bio-male but likes 'tomboy' women, which is what I appeared to him at first. He agrees with me and thinks it would be weird if I ever tried to present 'femme' and I don't have much interest in it.

I always have this fear in the back of my mind that one day if I change my body he might stop finding me attractive because I don't look female enough.

He has started to call me 'man' and 'boy' (which I don't mind, I often act rather childish in a whimsical way) after I confessed to him that it made me feel good to hear those words come from him. I think that if I went full-time (though unlikely) he wouldn't have a lot of trouble calling me by the name I chose or the male pronouns but until I happen to change my body and see what happens I'll still be afraid of him losing attraction because he really does curves and breasts on women. :-\

Quote from: kisschittybangbang on July 30, 2010, 04:04:57 AM
-raises hand- I wouldn't do Zac Efron...

Seconded!

Fine then, more Zac for me!

Quote from: Elijah on July 28, 2010, 01:28:51 PManyway, I know I can trust him and he doesn't want to be with her, but I cant help but feel really possessive and jealous about it.

Frankly, I don't really understand this. If you trust him, why are you jealous? I get the impression that you don't fully trust him. Or perhaps you're not so much jealous as feeling insecure and threatened by her attempts to get back with him.

Being an "exception" can have a really weird dynamic. I knew a trans couple who had a relationship kind of like that. She was a lesbian; he felt mostly gay but could be attracted to women. Neither one had had bottom surgery. I think maybe they just loved each other "as people," but they broke up a little while back, probably because of the sexual and self-identity incompatibilities. I used to wonder exactly how they related to each other, and I still do. He found some women attractive, but why was she with him?

If your being his exception makes you feel a bit unstable in the relationship, you might not be able to do anything about it. And do remember that lots of relationships only last a short while anyway. If you can enjoy the moment and not worry so much about the future--for now, anyway--you might be happier. So might he. He could find your jealousy attractive or he could find it stifling. Have you talked about it with him?

I do trust him, but I dont trust his ex.. Im just worried that one day he will come back home from visiting his family (thats where she lives) and tell me that they made out, or hooked up or something.  I guess Im worried that she will, seduce him or something, and I know how he likes women, what if he misses being with a woman?

He knows kinda that I am jealous.

as many of you have said.. Im quite sure that this possessiveness, jealousy is very much my own fault, my own insecurities as a trans man, and as a boyfriend.

also.. he is just as possessive as me, except he makes it more known then I do.

They way to prevent possessiveness is to constantly remind yourself that you don't own anyone else, and nobody can own you either.

Quote from: Elijah on July 30, 2010, 01:04:13 PM
I do trust him, but I dont trust his ex.. Im just worried that one day he will come back home from visiting his family (thats where she lives) and tell me that they made out, or hooked up or something.  I guess Im worried that she will, seduce him or something, and I know how he likes women, what if he misses being with a woman?

Elijah, if he's an adult with most of his faculties intact, she can't seduce him without his consent. If he likes women, there's always the chance that he will seek one out. If not this one, perhaps another. And if he likes the occasional guy, there's also a chance that he will look in that direction, too.

I know you're feeling off balance about this, especially because you're trans. And you're still very young. But no relationship has guarantees. If you spend too much time and effort worrying about what MIGHT happen, you could run this one into the ground. If you're obsessing about what he might do--what HE might do, if his ex is willing--how can you even enjoy him? I respectfully suggest that you look inside yourself and explore what you find. You cannot control him, but with some hard work and practice, you can gain more power over yourself and your fears.

Quote from: kisschittybangbang on July 29, 2010, 06:44:17 PM
lol a transguy I dated was possessive early on, but it seemed more like paranoia. I think it depends on how secure in yourself you are. He was seriously scared I'd leave him for a cisguy even before his transition because I never chose a definite orientation while with him.
We ended up trading roles on this later on when I felt like he'd drop me for other women who didn't know his origins.
This all taught me this...
Jealousy is insecurity in it's worst form. When you're jealous it means you're afraid that you're not living up to what you think that person deserves and that they might leave you for something more their "type" 

Yes you have to trust him and have confidence, BUT TALK TO HIM. Gotta keep open the line of communication. Let him know you're uncomfortable with it and that you know it's stupid and that you trust him. Keep your heart open to him and keep him on the same level

Much luv. Keepp us updated

THIS! I am in this exact same situation except witih a bio gay guy, and I freak out all the time. I know it's because I'm so insecure in my masculinity, and I'm afraid he's going to leave him for "a real man". The only things that seem to help are to talk about it with your man very often and be honest with him, and try to build your self esteem. It's cheesy and cliche, but the whole "you can't let anyone else love you until you love yourself" thing holds some truth. Keep your head up and remember he's with YOU for a reason!!

talk about it with your man very often

And here I always thought the best part about being gay was you never had to have conversations like this.

Lol Tekla, I dunno about other gay couples, but my guy and I talk about this a lot. He's really one of the only people I actually open up with. Maybe it's different for other gay couples? lol

Perhaps.  Most of the ones I know are spared that constant 'relationship talk' and tend to focus on other things.

We do the...other things...plenty.  ;D  ;)

If I like a girl and she hangs out with girls, I am not jealous at all but if she talks to guys and hangs out with them then I will be enraged because I know I can't compete with them and with girls I just don't think the girl I like would try to get with them.

I would talk to him about how you feel. It may help. I understand your jealousy I get that way myself whenever my bf mentions his ex whom he is still obessed over. But that also provokes other feelings with me heh. But since he doesn't do that often I haven't found reason to sit him down and have a chat about it. I hope this helps.

im looking for an answer to get over jealousy too, unfortunately, so i cant really help. =(

thanks for every ones help, but I actually broke up with him about a week ago.. so, problem solved? lol

sorry to hear that elijah. or maybe, congratz? i dunno lol

i'm fine, I was sad the first day, but I'm ok now.  We were together 7 months, the weird thing is, i dont feel that bad.. I dont think I am good at connecting with people romantically.

Quote from: Yakshini on July 28, 2010, 09:03:48 PM
he changes his behavior around attractive girls and will refuse affection and will give me minimal attention in their company.

THAT is mega not cool. I get mad when my friends do that. How do you stand it?