Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's a bit of a quagmire... I don't really want to kill myself but I wrestle with suicidal thoughts and feelings on a near daily basis

Am I just lonely and need to find that right S/O to share love with? Do I need to move to a more trans friendly area? Do I need to overthrow the world and sort it all out until I feel satisfied?

Are there others that go through this type of wrestling match?

I get pretty depressed pretty often, but it's been awhile since I've had any suicidal thoughts. They were rare enough that there was no reason to worry. Only once had I ever even considered it as an option.

I have no idea what you should do. Perhaps a new area will help you, your area does not sound like the best (didn't you get attacked or something?)

Virginia, I have those thoughts almost daily, but I work them out some how.

May be a new area might work for you.  Portland is nice.  ;)

And if you need to call or PM me.  We can hold each other up.


Hugs

Hi Virginia,

I think many of us do. But we have to keep positive. I don't have enough tears to cry if you did anything to yourself. You were my first friend on this site.

I do hear from Lacy Lynne and Janet that Portland is very TG friendly. But I'm not sure about your financials.

Hugs darling

Cindy

it's always in the back of my mind , but things are balanced by the remainder of my logic . but i still fantasize about it sometimes , however i rarely take it seriously unless am really really depressed

It's been a long time since I thought about killing myself.. However I have considered hacking bits of myself off.. Ironically, the things that stops me is the thought that it would make GRS near impossible..

Thinking about it more, I have only ever been close to suicide once, many years ago.. I was lucky then, my friends had seen that I was in a bad way and called my youth worker and she busted in and "rescued" me.. An act I never sufficiently thanked her for..

Quote from: kelly_aus on July 31, 2010, 05:24:36 AM
It's been a long time since I thought about killing myself.. However I have considered hacking bits of myself off.. Ironically, the things that stops me is the thought that it would make GRS near impossible..

Thinking about it more, I have only ever been close to suicide once, many years ago.. I was lucky then, my friends had seen that I was in a bad way and called my youth worker and she busted in and "rescued" me.. An act I never sufficiently thanked her for..

I think you just have, saving another is what it is about.

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on July 31, 2010, 05:29:00 AM

I think you just have, saving another is what it is about.

Cindy

In that case I've thanked her several times..

I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

Pretty well never in my case. So I chose the never option... although like everyone human I do get down sometimes, and on the odd occasion I kind of have wished that I could think about it... if that doesn't sound too weird.

The reason I say never, even so, is because I'm honestly far too much of a coward. The first thought that comes into my head when I try to think suicide is "painful" - and for me that immediately stops me in my tracks and I realise that despite the fact that life is difficult, on the whole contemplating death seems to be no less problematic. For me that simple realisation has always been enough to deflect me from any serious contemplation of the issue.

I can understand how you feel Virginia. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for my wife. What keeps me going when I get so very low is knowing she will be alone.

A move is often a positive thing. These can fail without some research.

I don't really know much about your part of the world. Your first objective would seem to be to make sure you can afford to live there. I would imagine that there will be many different parts which cost different amounts. Income is, of course, also important. So being able to travel to your place of work.

One of the great things about moving is that you can start afresh with people. Your own presentation is something you can generally only adapt to a minor degree. Though you can start with nre personal boundries more to your own liking. That is always a big plus. Boundries are always difficult to clater later.

One of the really big gains will be having a better idea of the sort of people you want to mix with to any extent.

I tend to think that, of possible, take as much with you as you can. Buying new stuff will eat into your funds.

My own experience, and it is limited in this regard, is that close relationships take a lot of time. They generally work out when you stop really trying.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 31, 2010, 06:20:28 AM
I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

Having been "rescued" whilst I was standing in the shower with the knife to my wrist, I can honestly say that was the last time it was even close to an option.. I've learnt the suicide is not the answer, apart from being selfish, it merely transfers the issues to those closest to you..

Do I get down? Frequently..  Do I think about chopping off the bits I don't want? I have on occasion..But suicide? No, it wouldn't solve my problems, it would merely foist them on those that care for me and cause them unneeded hurt.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 31, 2010, 06:20:28 AM
I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

this.

I've had suicidal thoughts but there was only a period of two days where I truly considered going through it.  I am an immensely lonely person--I know one person in my area outside of school and my closest family is in Texas.  I'm depressed because I'm lonely and have only one friend here and because, as I get older, I just don't feel comfortable with how I look.  I have social anxiety disorder which I'm battling so I can get out of my apartment without being terrified of people.  Take all of that and then throw in a solid two months of disturbing dreams that were leaving me far from rested, and screaming for your mom in one of the dreams and actually screaming into your bedroom out loud for mom followed by being terrified of sleeping with the lights off because of that dream, and then you would have my mindset of when I was contemplating suicide.  I was going crazy, plain and simple, and I just couldn't deal with it.  So I made an emergency run to my psychiatrist so I could get off of my meds and then get new ones (which have left my dreams alone, thank god).

Since that period in time (which was about 3 or 4 weeks ago), I've gotten better and I haven't had a suicidal thought since--even a half-hearted one.  Life seems so much better since that mental breakdown and I just look my dog and see her little tail wagging and then I see my parents smiling faces on Skype and I realize I could never go through with suicide.  I have too much to lose doing that, and I would seriously hurt my family and I don't want that--I love them too much.

That mental breakdown saved my life.

I struggle with suicidal thoughts and feelings pretty much daily.  Have come soooo close so many times.  My life feels so worthless and hopeless so much of the time.  Nothing seems to help.  It's a constant struggle.  I wonder sometimes how long I'll be able to continually fight against it.  I just keep trying to make it to my next birthday, and then the birthday after that, wondering if I'll make it...I've been to so many therapists and doctors and been on so many different meds...nothing's helped.

Shang, I've got the social anxiety thing too.  Not fun.

Quote from: jmaxley on August 01, 2010, 12:04:12 AM

Shang, I've got the social anxiety thing too.  Not fun.

Yeah, it's pretty horrid.  It pretty much screwed everything up to where I rarely made friends and never kept them...But I'm getting help so I hope it all changes so I can get out and about.

I used to have suicidal thoughts almost daily, and have done since childhood. Since about 3 years ago, when I stopped trying to pretend to be something I'm not, those thoughts have become much more rare.

I also have thoughts of death, but am too afraid to do so. I have daydreams of what I want to be and I hope they'll come true someday. However it always makes me sad to think of others in this terrible situation, even though I know its hard, even unbearable at times, I hope for all of us that we can get through it.

I'd like to die 25% of the time but I have someone who relies on me day to day.

I came up with a release the last time I was messed up. It occurred to me that I could go to the emergency room and tell them what I want to do and they will put me under observation. For some reason, that calms me down. Maybe it's just having an alternative. I assume that being under observation is relaxing because it pulls you temporarily out of the circumstances that are overwhelming you at the time.

Option added

@ Shang & JMaxley... My therapist has been helping me with social anxiety also

I went through a long period where every day I wanted nothing more than to die. I attempted suicide three separate times, but all were mostly half-hearted attempts. Thankfully I have improved since, but more than once a week I think about it again. Specific thoughts seem to trigger these feelings, particularly my fear of the future, loneliness, and failure.
I also voted that I have suicidal friends as well. My best friend has spent time in an institution for attempting suicide, but has attempted numerous times since. I have another friend who has been in and out of institutions for years and is currently living in some form of supervised living. Those are just two of many examples of my friends being suicidal.

I don't really think about suicide, not seriously anyway not anymore. I've tried to kill myself 3 times but my depression was much worse then. Coming out as me has had such a positive effect on my life before I was depressed and suicidal alot but now it's rare for me to get depressed like that.

I can't think of a more trans-friendly area outside of Portland other than P-town or SF.  Either (both) of which would be more expensive I would think.

I get very depressed from time to time. It seems to be happening more often lately. And I have had suicidal thoughts when I am in one of these moods, but I'm too scared of death to actually go through with it.

When im having a tough time it always creeps into my mind that it would be easier and i could have a break finally but its never serious.

I go through lows but there are so many good times when im on top of the World.
I think of all the bad stuff transitioning will do but then think, one day i'll be a boy and that is amazing.

dont die. life is wonderful..seriusly, go get religion

Tomorrow is actually my 1 year anniversary of when I tried to commit Suicide. It was before I began transition and was purely because of the pushback I got from desiring to start transition.

Celebrating 1 more year of life I wasn't expecting....and the best year of life I've ever had, despite the negative consequences involved

In the words of my brother: "I'd rather take everybody else down before I take myself down."

Or in the words of a famous, dead rapper: "I'd rather die like a man (that is, brave), than live like a coward."

I used to think about it all the time when I was a teenager and I didn't think anybody loved me, though. I even got to a point where I wrote a long suicide note just in case.

I do wish I were dead sometimes, it would be easier. But I don't think of ever doing it to myself.

When my male personae had run its futile course, and entered the end-game phase....I did too go through my uber-meltdown process... which lead to a few weeks sitting in a very dark place...

Being cut-off from others and lonely will not help. you...  we need to look outwards for some relief...

And the joy of living is always there waiting for anyone of us, no matter our personal predicament... but you do have to reach out for it... though we can all loose our way from time to time....this is where good friends and loved ones are key....if you're lucky enuff to have em, at times of critical support.

We're naturally a social species...so isolation is not good for anybody in fact...

But I'd be worried about anyone that was contemplating self-termination frequently.... so think it might be a good idea for you to find some real listening help....

In the UK there's a freephone NGO called the Samaritans.... and they are there for anyone that's finding it difficult to cope....I'm sure there must be an equivalent org in the US...? So if you can find one do call them!

Quote from: Virginia Marie on July 31, 2010, 12:27:17 AM
Do I need to overthrow the world and sort it all out until I feel satisfied?

^^
this

*Gulps hard* It's that time of year again... My B-day is just one week away... That's when it all starts up... 

Then will come winter and the onslaught of holidays that tear my heart out, stomp on it and then makes me watch them eat it  :P

I'm just hoping I can pull through another round of it

Hugs My Sister.  You are strong.  You will make through this as you always have.  Because you are still here with your online family.

Quote from: jmaxley on August 01, 2010, 12:04:12 AM
Shang, I've got the social anxiety thing too.  Not fun.

Damn that social anxiety! I too had severe anxiety issues, thankfully mine were short lived (lasted less than half a year), at least for the time period where it was very severe. I've always had mini-panic attacks from time to time, especially around the beginning of my teen years. My doctor was so smart he thought I had asthma lol. No one figured out I had anxiety issues until they became severe enough that I couldn't leave my home for months. With some adjustments to my hormones (sadly HRT is what really brought my anxiety out the strongest) I've been a lot better and now only experience anxiety a couple of times a month, thank God.

The only times I really considered suicide in my life where when I was a teenager, but I was an undiagnosed bipolar teenager and I thought I was completely loosing my mind so that was kind of a given at the time. I have very rapid emotional cycles and I really did think I was just completely insane for many years of my life. During the worst manic and worst depression moment suicide was an option, but only then. And even then logic thankfully outweighed the desire/thought that suicide was an option at all. The only other time was after my first marriage, I became a drunk for about 3 months and fell into a very deep depression that the alcohol of course did not help.

Even when I FELT suicidal I KNEW I wouldn't actually do it, so I often say that I never considered suicide but that is both true and not true. I thought of it, but I never actually believed it was an option. Kind of a catch-22 in my book.

Too many "what if" thoughts to count them... so I don't. I don't consider those as suicidal thoughts.

Oh, I still want to die... just try to die naturally. This goal seems like trying to kick a football into the goalpost... yet the goalpost are turned around backwords.  Stupidity trumps suicidalness, I guess.

Quote from: Virginia Marie on September 29, 2010, 09:07:22 PM
Then will come winter and the onslaught of holidays that tear my heart out, stomp on it and then makes me watch them eat it  :P I'm just hoping I can pull through another round of it

hey, of course you can :) And to give you some courage, this year will be my first in my life when I'm not spending the holidays with my family, in fact, I'll most probably be all alone. dammit, will be hard. But then comes a whole new year... But I love the winters anyway, sitting and reading under heavy blankets or watching the snow falling outside :) I've always been lonely, but I'm used to it. I know I'll find something to distract my mind when I'm not with my family. I think what's important is to live those days like any other day and don't think about they're holidays at all.

Quote
I thought of it, but I never actually believed it was an option.

Same. The few times I've ever thought about it, I always got to something like "if there's no life after death (and there's none for me 'coz I'm an atheist) then how on earth could I get any benefit from killing myself?" And this sounds so ridiculous I often smile at my own selfishness :) I only care about benefits... yeah sure, that's being me, but that's being human also. Even suffering is more than nothing so I choose suffering.

That's not to say I'm not down sometimes. Once in every two weeks or so, a feeling of utter uselessness gets totally over me and then I cry like for half an hour or so. But I think this (or similar) happens with a lot of lonely people out there and loneliness isn't something that couldn't be resolved in time. So even while crying, I know that this won't be the end of it all. There's always a future. I just have to get rid of the damn tears.

btw I checked "never" :)

g

In elementary school, middle school, and most of high school, I never had any friends. I was very shy and quiet, and I had a disorder that I now take Zoloft for, called Social Anxiety Disorder. Anyway, I no longer feel irrationally anxious in social situations, and I've even made a few friends, so since then, I haven't thought about suicide much at all. I don't really see much of a point to living, since we're all going to die someday anyway, but I see less of a point for suicide.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on September 01, 2010, 11:23:49 AM

Or in the words of a famous, dead rapper: "I'd rather die like a man (that is, brave), than live like a coward."

I'd rather die like a rat than live like a man.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 31, 2010, 06:20:28 AMI think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

I agree... especially when you've tried it. And not half-assed trying either. It's like it's always an option and you don't fear it as much as some others might.

I think after you have thought seriously about it once, it always remains an option.

After you have actually been brought back from hell, it's more than an option.

The next couple hrs will tell I think. I almost took to many ativan and pain meds the other day. I just need to sleep. I just need to close my eyes and stop thinking. I need to dream. I just want to wake up and be happy for a little while at least.

Quote from: Radar on December 21, 2010, 09:38:54 PM
I agree... especially when you've tried it. And not half-assed trying either. It's like it's always an option and you don't fear it as much as some others might.

I agree too.  I lost any fear of death a long time ago.

I think about it allot... I often wish I could stop thinking about it

I've gotten into a really strange loop.  I try to stay stronger than my depression by working, work to keep my mind and body busy.  I'm already a work-a-holic, but it gets worse when I'm depressed.  No matter how self-pitying I get, if I know there are people expecting me to get somewhere to do work at a certain time it forces me to eat, sleep, bathe and put my head somewhere productive.  Now when I work myself to the point where I feel like I can't go on, but I'm still depressed, I get the feeling "well, you've given this commitment, if it's too much when this is done you can finish yourself then without inconveniencing everyone."  Things get problematic when I'm depressed and I see too little work on my plate, then opening a vein starts to look really good.