Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My Letter to him, his response, my response, and now his last e-mail...

QuoteI've spent a long time trying to find the best way to tell you this. Out of everyone in the family, you are the hardest one for me...

First I'll start by saying please, please don't waste your time or energy trying to convince me to not do this, if it was a choice I wouldn't do it. If I could just breath, look at who I am and smile, I would.

You were trying to tell me that out of everyone, you know what this feels like, tastes like, smells like. I am unsure if that is true! It possibly may be, but I don't think so.

I've weighed my options carefully, I've resisted this in every way I know that's possible, if I hadn't, I wouldn't be sitting here at almost 30 years old completely lost, scared to death and still hoping to just wake up tomorrow and be normal. I'm sure you'll come at me with many biblical reasons as to why this is wrong. But I'm not so sure anymore that God is against this. In fact I'm positive He's not.

One might say God doesn't make mistakes, and I agree 100%. But we as people frequently do. There are many theories, stories, hypothesis and ideologies about this. I am unsure which is true...

It's like a child being born without an arm or leg. Like my daughter only being able to see from one eye. They already are capable of making an arm or leg that works, fully controlled by the mind even! They are working on technology now that may give her vision in both eyes. Should we tell those born this way to just deal with it? Should I tell her mother to never allow it because God made her born with one eye?? I think her mother smoking weed and being out partying all night had more to do with that...

What about those born unisex? Often times the parents just choose male and years down the road the child is freaking out saying they are not a male but a female.

I think God gave us a way to fix the things we have done to our bodies, things that have passed down genetically to our children.

I've been seeing a therapist for a bit now, and almost a fortnight ago began taking hormones to change my physical body to match my psychological one.

I'm "trans". Since my earliest memory I've believed I was a girl, when I learned the difference between boys and girls I was mortified, I thought there was some horrible mistake made. Now I know the mistake was to hide this for so long.

The affair was sadly, the perfect cover for me. It was easy for everyone to say that the way I was acting and being was because of what I went through and what was said to me during it all. It was easier for me to use that as a shield to hide this part of who I am... to hide who and what I am.

I am unsure what effect this will hold on our relationship. I don't know if you'll even want to continue a relationship with me after this day. I can't choose that for you. All I can say is that I am still your child, and will always be so, in the event you wish to continue a relationship then I'm here. If not, then hopefully that shows you how serious this is that I've been one by one telling the only people I've allowed to remain in my life this, and risk loosing them.

This, is the reason I've been gone. It's why I haven't ever been able to relate to anyone. I know it's easier to blame mom and the affair for my life for everyone. But the truth is, this isn't her fault, nor yours. It just is something that is, like my webbed toes! I could get those split and no one would think twice about it, they'd say it would make my toes normal... Those don't bother me though, in fact I've always like them! But... there is a birth defect I do have to fix...

I am sorry if this upsets you. I assure you, it upsets me more. I've always prided myself on how stubborn I can be. I really hoped to just make it through this life the way I am, and truthfully, I probably could get through the rest of my life as I am. But... it would be short lived. I can't go on anymore this way. It scares me to look at a ledge and know how much easier it would be... But that I do know God doesn't want. And again, I must say he's given me a way.

I always laugh when people say God is male or female. He said we were made in his image, then he split us to make Eve.

I highly doubt God cares if I'm a male or female, if I have long hair or short. I think He's more concerned with am I happy, do I enjoy the life He gave all of us.

Before you ask, yes, mom, Megan, Les, Jennifer and even Nicole know. I'm planning to meet with Blake today or tomorrow and tell him face to face, and as I hit send on this I'll be calling Jeremy to let him know as well.

Michael will be the most difficult for me. I am unsure how to even go about telling him, be it letter or go in person one last time before the hormones do their work...

I said I had to tell you now rather then in September when you come here because there will possibly be noticeable changes at that point...

Don't worry about my job, I'm protected fully and won't loose it.

I love you dad, and I'm sorry that this is happening. But For over 20 years it's been a daily struggle for me. Sometimes it's so far away it's almost gone, others, like it is now, where I can't even breath for the weight it rests on my chest.

Ever since I said this out loud, since I said fine I'll do it, I found peace. Everything has lined up for this to happen for me. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, where before my life has been dark.

I asked mom what she would of named me had I been born a girl, that was the same time she said you guys didn't even name me for the first 24 hours because she thought I was going to be a girl, for me that's a good story.

Mom asked me how they should pray for me before I came home after telling her. I'll tell you the same thing I said to her. Honestly.

All my love,
me

And today I received this e-mail...

QuoteOK Son...

I don't really know just what to say to you on all of this.  Shocked isn't really an adequate word.  This is about the closest thing to when your Mother told me about her and Les; then added the part about Megan being Les's daughter.  My heart actually stopped.  Now it's happened again.

You can say anything you want to to justify this choice, and that's exactly what it is, a choice.  But... you've NEVER had or displayed ANY tendencies, actions, inclinations or anything else that even suggested that you were 'in a wrong body'.  Sorry Kid.  I love you, and always will, but I can't support you in this at any level.  I know you're not asking me to necessarily, but I'm absolutely devastated by this newest 'revelation'.  You've always been the one for the 'dramatic' and the 'shocking'/ 'outrageous', and the 'outer limits' things, but Son... this is a complete 'life' thing! 

I know you're going to say that you've done all the 'checking', and the counseling, and praying, but I can assure you that God hasn't given you ANY sort of 'peace' concerning this.  Whatever 'peace' you feel you've received has come from some other corner, I can assure you.  No... 'He' doesn't make  mistakes... that sounds like your mother talking again about the Les thing... "But now, everything is right, and the way God wanted it to be in the first place..."  WRONG!  And God didn't 'make a mistake' this time either... WE didn't make a 'mistake'... NO ONE has made any mistakes till this one you're making right now.

PLEASE... O God... if there were just some sort of 'magic words' that I could only use ONE TIME in my whole life, and never again.  I'd use them now, to save my son.  I'm sorry about the 'depression',  but you know... I deal with it EVERY day!  SERIOUS depression that sometimes overwhelms me.  I also look at the 'ledges' (except that in my case it's usually attractive bridge abutments ! :-).  But you know what you do?  YOU FIGHT IT!  You DON'T give in to the 'Accuser'!  You DON'T let the enemy win!  We only get just so many opportunities to REALLY depend on/ CLING to (frequently thru' unstoppable and overwhelming tears!) God!  To actually FINALLY and COMPLETELY get to... HAVE to depend on Him!  And in these times He's going to be there (where He's ALWAYS been... go figure!).

I truly DO hear you about your feelings, and 'loss', and 'need'.  But 'this' isn't the answer Son.  I know everything I'm saying/ trying to say is being totally lost on you right now... WILL be lost likely forever, but I'm NOT wrong on this one Kid... I guarantee you.  I love you too much to take a chance on this... I promise.  There are times when you can know for a certainty that you have the 'mind of Christ... of God' and this is one of those times, Son.  If only you would listen to me just this one time in your whole life.

It doesn't really matter HOW STRONG you feel about this, can't you see?  It doesn't matter HOW much you think that this is the only solution.  It's not!  It NEVER will be, regardless of your 'heart' or 'mind' in this.  You're saying that you've 'dealt' with this your whole life... you've told people that you've dressed, wanted, need 'girl' things your whole life, and have been fighting this your whole life.  Well you did a pretty good job of hiding it for all these years... don't stop now!  I'm saying this because of what I've said all ready.  You've NEVER 'acted', demonstrated, pursued ANYTHING feminine your whole life.  You've ALWAYS been NOTHING but a man!  Every 'mood', action, interest, DISinterest, inclination, motivation, has been that of a man, and NOTHING else.  You've never been 'neat', 'clean', orderly, 'sensitive', compassionate, interested in 'feelings', colors, the interests and needs of others... you've been the consummate uncaring, unfeeling, occasionally(?) rude, selfish, sometimes violent MAN.  Sorry Kid, but you can change anything you decide to to and from the outside, but you're going to be trying to make/ create something without ANY of the native requirements to have at least SOME chance of success.   You say you've 'restisted in every way you can'... no Son you haven't. Paul tells us to '...resist even up to death' (NOT suicide... but he's telling us NOT to 'stop resisting').

I know you're saying that you've done all the 'praying', the 'checking in to', the counseling (with who? How many counselors? From what perspective?  Neither Patti OR Linda would EVER continue to talk to ANY counselor that didn't tell them exactly what they wanted to hear, and if they didn't (hear what they wanted), the counselor was 'no good'/ 'didn't know the real circumstances... what was really going on...' so they rejected all their counsel).  All that still doesn't matter Son!  I'm sorry you're 'lost' in this, 'miserable(?)', driven to this 'solution'.  It ISN'T going to be the 'solution', the 'release', the 'correcting' that you're expecting... hoping for... needing.  It's an 'escape'... running, avoiding life... looking for an explanation for why things are the way they are, from the wrong quarter.  It's NOT going to finally 'fix' things... make them 'right' for the first time in your whole life... straighten out all the confusion and answer all the unanswered questions that have been plaguing you your whole life... it's just 'running'.   But THIS time, if you follow thru on this, it will be a forever thing.  You can stop taking the meds, but you can't 'uncut' things.  You can't undo all the damage you've done to yourself and to your family.

I know the 'family' thing is WAY secondary, but DON'T think that this isn't devastating every single person that knows and loves you.  Regardless of ANYTHING  any of them might 'say' or 'have said' to you... they're devastated... shocked, hurt... calling back and forth... wondering what they might or might not have done that might be a part of you deciding to do something like this.  This is HUGE Son, and we're ALL searching every part of our lives to see if or where 'we're' responsible for any part of this.  You can say that this is simply and strictly a 'you' thing, but it's not!  It's JUST like the Les and Patti thing (No... I'm NOT riding some 'old horse' again/ still).  The point here is that they were willing to sacrifice EVERY person that loved and trusted them for 'themselves', their "need", their 'loss' if they weren't able to 'be together'. Just like you're saying, 'all they wanted to do was to finally be happy...'! No Son... we're called to 'do the right thing'.  That's what men (and real women) do.  We aren't asked if it's easy, or comfortable, or convenient, or even if we want to....  So what if it's 'hard' or we want something else?  I've ALWAYS counted on you to be 'strong'... I always knew that you 'were there', and would be there if I needed you.  (You can say that you still will be, but it's not going to be so Son)

What are you going to do about 'love' in the future?  Are you going to be Gay (you'll [maybe] look like a woman, but that'll only be on the outside, regardless of the plumbing changes you try to make) or are you going to be a Lesbian (since you'll look like a woman... but I'm fairly positive that you'll only [and STILL] be attracted to women)?  There's no way out of this choice for you Son if you follow thru on and with this.  I love you so much!  DAMN IT!

I can't write anything more right now.  I haven't been able to do much of anything since receiving your email.  This is just too much for me to wrap my mind and heart around... it just can't be true... happening.  I keep praying I'll wake up and it'll all be just some kind of strange dream maybe???  This is the son that felt that God had been calling him into ministry for his whole life, (but had just been fighting it).  You're the kid with the email address that says 'against Satan',,,!  Which  is it Son?  Which voice is the false one?  I GUARANTEE you  that the same God that wanted you in service DIDN'T give you peace about this decision.  All the 'God talk' about "finally having peace about this since making your choice..." NEVER/ DIDN'T come from God.  He doesn't work that way (sounds like Patti all over again justifying the destruction of all the lives, families, church... sorry Kid... God DOESN'T work that way... never has, never will).  God HEALS hearts, and minds, and situations.  We just have to WANT Him to, and be willing to let Him.  I'm sure that Nicole is praying the same prayers that ALL of us are Son.

I've got to go.  I love you.  I always will.  I can't support any of this (you don't need me to I know).  I don't understand any of it (and I really shouldn't, you know?).  I can't say right now just what I'm going to do... it's too much, and too soon.  Most of it is going to be up to you Son.  You need to make sure you really understand (also) that NO ONE is 'good' with this from you (again I know that they don't have to be).  NO ONE is thinking that they'll be 'all right', and it'll 'still be you after all', and nothing is really going to change... that they're NOT going to have issues or troubles with this.  NO ONE is intending to call you by some other name, or have you being with their kids... this is just as serious as the Michael thing... who wants their children around something like this... to have to try and tell their kids that this is 'nothing'... it's "ok"... nothing serious... just a 'natural' turn of events that take place all the time.  It's not going to happen Son.  I'm praying it'll matter more to you before it's too late... (Please God.... )

Later Kid...

Me <><

PS:  You can say what you want about your job... they'll definately find a way to deal with something like this, and leave you with NO recourse.  Just like they have done with me (when they find out about the meds I have to take).  They just get 'all caught up'.  Don't need the 'job/ position'... 'whatever' any more, and you're out the door.  It won't "have anything to do with your 'orientation'.".  It'll be something else that they can back up, and you'll be gone.  Costco is a 'Family' company, and I GUARANTEE you they'll deal with this as soon as it's obvious to them... please believe me on this one Kid.  I'm still here loving you...


Father... Help me this day to do those things I'll have wished I'd done when I stand before you....

So I now no longer have a father...

I thought about all of these great things I could say back to him, but realized there was no point. So for my final response I simply sent this.

QuoteIt's ok dad, I understand and hope you know I still love you no matter what.

Me

So I figured our e-mails would stop at this point, I came home to one more today...

QuoteHey...

It looks like nothing I could say makes much difference Kid... didn't really expect it to. but 'this' simply    can        not       be.............  Please  Son

No ... I don't think you really DO understand on this one.  On top of everything else, how are you planning to pay for all of this?  You might 'sneak' some of the hormones thru on Costco, but they aren't going to pay for a complete 'reassignment'.   You might 'think' they'll cover all of this, and might be receiving meds on your insurance for the moment.  But Costco isn't going to pay for all of this.  IF... you'd had this issue before going to work for them (and they hadn't picked up on it), the meds might get thru, but they aren't in the business of funding an employee's reassignment.  You might think that the 'law' will protect you.  I promise you son, you'll get started into this, and when they find out they'll find some way to put an end to it.  Think of all the 'advancements' you've missed out on for 'no reason'....  In a case like this, they'll find something even if it takes a little time,  Evaluations, performance, 'attitude', customers' responses to you or your actions/reactions... they don't even have to be true or accurate.  They only have to write it down, and by the time they're thru, you'll be gone, and there's no way you could complete something like this on your own.

I've contacted Costco Employees Svc's and asked about this kind of procedure under their coverage, and so far they don't believe they cover things like this.  It' not like you had a radical mastectomy or were involved is some tragic accident that left you scarred.  This is 'elective', and their position is that they'd have to have 'you' (or whoever this might be) go into counseling that they approve before even considering anything like this, and even then their underwriters won't cover something like this as far as they know.

NONE of this matters tho', Kid.  What matters is that this is every bit as 'bad'... damaging, confusing, unexplainable as Michael.  How do you get to a place like this, Son?  Two kids in the same family with MAJOR sex issues/ problems,  We really messed up somewhere along the way, and I'm so sorry Kid.  I really am.  And there's nothing I can do to 'undo' the damage, and that's what this is Son... damage.  You wouldn't be where you are without something that we did.  How could I have failed two sons so horribly....

If nothing else, we should have raised you in a manner that would have made you strong enough to deal with this in an acceptable way that wouldn't hurt so very many people.  You'd have cared enough about them to realize that even being 'unhappy' would be preferable to damaging so many of them.  There's NO ONE that knows you and knows about this that isn't hurt, confused. truly suffering, but just like Patti, it's surely going to end up with you saying that your 'happiness' is worth all of them.  Their love, their support, their hope for you for 'tomorrow'.   There's NO ONE that's 'all right' with this... that're going to be 'fine' and get to where they can 'deal' with this.  Doesn't that matter in at least some small way?  They love you Son.

How many counselors have you gone to Kid?  I can't imagine a single (reputable) one that would consider you a 'candidate' for something like this.  You're one of the LAST men on this planet that 'needs' or 'has to have' something like this done because they're 'already so feminine' they can't function any other way... oh please!

You have/ had a young woman that really cares for you, might well have stayed with you forever... however long that might be.  Few of us ever have that opportunity.

I don't know Kid...  probably all I'm going to be able to do for a while is going to be 'short messages'... even that is more than we usually write, so it's at least 'communication'... you know?

I want to see you while I'm over there.  Don't know about 'after' this time, but as long as you're not 'rubbing anything in my face'. I want and need to see you.  I don't know if I can or will after this if you keep on with this course... as always, it's your call Son.  I couldn't support your Mom after she decided on her 'course', and I can't and won't (any more than Jeremy or the other Kids are going to be able to if you continue with this).  They may say that they'll be there for you. or 'support' you, but even Jenn and the others say... "No... I can't have him there for the wedding if he shows up 'swishing' around".  "No... I don't want him around the kids if and when he's doing this"... Son... how can you do this?  You'll have to come up with something different than you have so far.  For me as well as your brothers and sisters.  Maybe if we could understand this, believe you, see how this could come to be, it would be easier.  It doesn't have to be 'easy' for any of us, but if you're asking everyone to be some part of your life, then you have to explain to them / us, and convince us that 'this' is some "right" answer, you know?

Later...


<><




Father... Help me this day to do those things I'll have wished I'd done when I stand before you....

So after thinking on this for a few days I finally responded, it wound up being a fairly brutal response, I am unsure of how I feel at the moment to the response I sent. I am unsure of why I am even posting it here, maybe because I'm seeking answers to the questions I don't know of yet? Maybe I'm just looking for encouragement. Mainly I'm seeking guidance and the truth.

QuoteSo I'm unsure exactly what to say to this, I've spent the last few days pondering over this e-mail, reading it and re-reading it and honestly I have to say that I am at a loss.

You are writing as if I'm some drug addict or worse...

I plan to pay for all of this with money dad. It's why I've been broke, it's called saving up for it. You pretend to understand about my work, hate to tell you dad but there are more laws protecting me then you can imagine. And I don't expect Costco to pay for anything, I expect for the insurance company that I've been pumping money into, and will continue to pump money into for the next 40+ years to.

Seeing as how what I'm doing is so against your moral code, I don't feel it's right of me to subject you to my 'MAJOR sex issues/problems. I don't think I could live with myself making you have to be around someone who is so clearly sick, although if you understood ANYTHING about this, you'd know it has nothing to do with sex, not that it's any of your business though. How dare you compare me to someone like Michael. What I'm doing, while it'll be awkward at first, isn't damaging in the slightest to anyone other then myself, and even then the damages physically are worth the healing mentally.

I needed a father when I was 6, not someone who would use me to spy on my mother. I needed you up until I was about 15, then I gave up on you. You chose to stop raising me and preferred to use me instead. Spare me your lies, I've listened to them for far to long, I was willing to let you continue to lie to me along with everyone else because I know you need to feel that you are justified in so many of your actions. I don't live with a guilty conscience over my choices in life, I forgave those who wronged me, and equally as important I forgave myself, it's time you do the same. You say I would have cared enough, why do you think I'm almost 30 and only now bringing this up. It was because of my family that I fought this so long and so hard. It's when you wake up and realize that the fight is all consuming and your life is literally passing by, that you have no relationship with your family because you're to busy with this one thing to build one.

How many counselors did I go to? Are we counting the ones that were your friends that you used to try to get information out of us when we were kids, or only those who you stopped letting me see after they didn't agree with what YOU wanted? Overall though, I'd say at least 20 different counselors, how many about this, three of them knew, not counting my current, they were the only ones I was allowed to see enough times to get comfortable enough to discuss it with. You don't even know who I am, you still compare me to the 15 year old kid that you and mom did everything wrong with. Yea, I was very violent, I was mad at everything and everyone, not only was I a teenager thrown into the middle of your ugly divorce, I was also trying to deal with a major identity crisis while dealing with puberty and the crap I had to read on Linda's restraining order's, not counting what I had heard earlier from mom about you and from you about her, yea, I was a very angry child. The difference is that I grew up, I learned to accept and deal with who and what both of my parents are, and, I learned to accept and love them despite.

As far as Jennifer and the other kids being able to support me or not, that isn't your call. Sorry dad, Jennifer, Megan and even Jeremy are standing next to me on this, Blake doesn't know yet but he's going to find out as soon as I can arrange a sit down with him. Do they wish this wasn't happening? Of course, I wish this wasn't happening, but it is happening, and something you clearly failed to learn in all of your years of preaching about a book you clearly lack the understanding on, is that you don't put a condition on love, nor do you judge others. As you've always said, you can't take the old testament without the new and vice-versa. As far as biblical standings, I've been living a lie my entire life, feel free to take the blame for that one. You are the primary reason I always felt like something was seriously wrong with me.

I WANTED you in my life, which is why I've spent so much time trying to build a relationship with you, but if you choose to burn everything down over this than fine. That is YOUR choice, not mine, transitioning is my choice, I find it's a better option than suicide. Apparently you disagree.

You've picked this up and decided it's your new personal crusade. You put words into Jennifer's mouth, and the worse part, you put words into Megan's mouth. She's not your daughter, how dare you even attempt to understand someone you don't even know, and Nicole you've seen once, don't even try to pretend you understand or know anything about her feelings towards this or where she stands, she's beyond pissed that you think it's ok to put her onto your side, unlike you, my family is going to stand beside me and help me through this the best way they can.

I'm not going to bother explaining how or why this is, I gave you the opportunity to come at me with an open mind and instead you decided to blast me in every way you thought would work to change my mind. I already told you to not waste your time or energy. I was more then willing to answer any question or thought, to debate and argue rationally and peacefully with you. You choose the path of degradation and attempted humiliation. Maybe you can convince Jennifer or Jeremy to explain it to you, they are more then willing to ask questions and not berate me on my answers, and sure, some points they view differently, some they straight disagree with. But you know what they don't do, judge.

You had said Justin was going to get a phone with Verizon, great, he can have my line, I already got a different plan with a new number. If he doesn't then fine I'll pay the remaining 110.00 to cover the 9.95 a month til the final year ends on the contract. I already paid 40.00 before you sent your first e-mail, and was willing to stay with you so Justin would only have to pay the 65 as long as you didn't do what you did. You had plenty of other avenues you could of taken. I've canceled my services, the unlimited texting is still there, they said you needed to choose if you wanted that, but as far as what was my line, it's no longer active except for the 9.95, they tied a dummy esn to the account so you wouldn't get charged a disconnect fee, for the phone on the line, I believe I sent you a replacement that I had paid for, give that to whoever wants it.

So no, I won't be seeing you when you come down. I'm giving Jennifer your belongings. I don't care to have them anymore, don't leave messages with her to give to me or anyone else, I already know you're going to try to work to turn Jeremy against me, if you succeed then I hope you feel proud of yourself for being able to justify and support Michael while crucifying myself.

I realize this is a very angry letter, it's because I am angry, you could have said I can't support you on this, you could have chosen to not respond, you could have approached this like a true father would and try to at least understand and came back with some research and true answers besides those that you made up. I almost didn't respond to this letter but how could I not?

If you change your mind, it'll be very hard for me to be convinced, you'll have to find a way to explain yourself if you wish to reopen communication. I don't seek your approval or even acceptance, I'm willing to explain it to the best of my abilities, but only to those who truly wish to know in order to understand, not to condemn and crucify.

I'll pray for you,
I love you,
Always son you never had,
Now the daughter you disowned,
me

PS If you EVER contact my work, if I even suspect that you have, then I'll make sure Linda knows exactly where to find you. Of all the stupid things you have pulled in your life with me, trying to jeopardize my career for your personal mission is not ok. There is no leeway on this, and fyi, my warehouse manager, as well as corporate already know what's going on, and that I plan to bring this out in full in November to my work, I just won't tolerate you interfering in this manner. You gave up that right 20 years ago.

****************** TRIGGER ALERT********************

A quick note on Linda, she's my step-mom that he tormented, and he now is supposed to pay her 1250 a month in support due to her medical conditions as a result of his treatment.... he is a very sexually perverted man it seems... he disappeared from her, left the state and is living with his fiance, as far as the state knows he's still in Oregon. If she finds him she could easily have him arrested on several very damning charges. The only reason I haven't told her already is because she's drawing half of all of his retirements that he earned throughout his life. Needless to say the way he talked to me he also talked to their divorce judge, and as you can imagine the judge didn't respond in kind but that's a different story.

Anyways, there it all is, laid out and bare. I guess I can only wait for his response although truth be told I'm unsure if I'll even bother reading it.

Gabby

That's a very well-written letter. I like the analogy you used for talking about "God's mistakes". I hope he understands.

Best of luck and wishes. My fingers are crossed for you.

Well written.
I hope he realizes that you are still his child.  And will be there for you.

Best of luck, Gabrielle. 

That sounded great....   

Regardless of what happens next, you did it... you came out and no one can take that away from you.

I'm sure it was tough to hit send, gl with everything!

I like it. I can imagine you wrote this for hours until it was perfect. And then hestitated like a lifetime to sent it. But now its done. You have explained it as good as possible.
I'd wish that he calls you up and tells you that he got your mail, and then tells you that nothing would keep him from loving you, because you are his child.
I'll say a prayer for that.

Gaby, my prayers are with you.  I know you love your dad a lot, otherwise you wouldn't have so obviously taken great pains to write such an amazing letter.  I love the way you explained it.  I do hope it all works out the way you hope it will.

Gabby, I know you are scared but they are right, the letter is perfect. At the end of the day no matter how things turn out you can know that you told them the truth and that weight can be off of your chest. I wish you luck and as with every person who is scared to come out, I will pray for you. You are doing the right thing by living for yourself to be happy while still caring about others.

Best of luck Honey!

Hi Gabrielle

My thoughts are with you and thank you for sharing a private Email.  I hope that it goes well for you.

Take care and as always best wishes for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Gabrielle,  Such a well written letter, it took me a long-time to dry my tears after reading.
I hope all goes well with you Dad, can tell from the e-mail you love him very much, and seem close.
This really struck a nerve with me, I've tried for years to have a relationship with my Dad, and now that I finally have one, it seems I will inevitably discuss my feelings and potentially undo this relationship, I don't mean to sound negative and really hope you have a positive outcome.
You have my prayers.

Love,

Tali

Quote from: talitha on August 09, 2010, 06:50:20 AM
This really struck a nerve with me, I've tried for years to have a relationship with my Dad, and now that I finally have one, it seems I will inevitably discuss my feelings and potentially undo this relationship

It has been over 15 years since my dad and I have had any sort of relationship, and it wasn't until the start of last year when the two of us began to have a real relationship of any form. I've made it a point of calling him at least once a day for over a year now...

I still haven't heard from him. That's very... abnormal. He never, ever holds his peace on anything. I guess he might be doing as much research as he can, or he's decided to just cut off all communication with me... I'm not sure.

All I can do now is wait for a response. I'm nervous.

Gabby

How often does he check his mails? Could he be busy or something? Did you get a notification if he got the mail?
It is not necessarily a bad sign, that he is taking his time answering. Have to give him credits, this being a real big one for him to deal with (I presume). I would, if I were in his shoes, take my time to think how I feel about this. Of course for you this must feel like torture.
I hope he'll answer soon.

I agree with the others - great letter !

All the best !!

Jackie

I'm sorry he hasn't answered yet. Hope he does soon! I'd guess that he's researching, I just can't imagine someone stopping talking to their kid over something like being trans... I was worrying about the same thing lately and then found out my dads phone is broken so ya never know :)

So as I'm getting ready to bed I figured I'd let everyone know there is still no response from my dad. So unless he changes his mind it looks like he has nothing further to say to me...

I did tell my brother and he was so supporting. He really wishes he was here so he could be there for me. He wasn't surprised at all, he is only two years older then me and he was like, "Well you were always upset if you weren't the mother or wife when we played house!" and several other things that I never understood how anyone never saw, apparently he did!

He lives in SoCal so it's not a new thing for him, he even has several friends who are trans(I think he said 3).

He also thinks it's a good idea that if my dad does try to get a hold of me for the next week to just ignore his calls, I have to agree, my dad being how he is... it won't be pretty. He'll single handedly take it upon himself to fight this.

Oh well, I have all of my family supporting me so far but my two oldest brothers who don't know yet besides my dad.

Best get to sleep now, I wanted to be in bed over 20 mins ago!

Gabby

Hi Gabby,

I'm sorry to hear you haven't had a response from your Dad yet, I really hope he comes around, he sounds very similar to my Dad.

Its big news though I suppose, I mean, my dad, it seems is completley oblivious to my feminine side, and I know it would be a huge shock to his system,

With time, hopefully he will come around,

you have all of our support here too,

No matter where you are, you'll always have family.

Love

Tali

maybe the poor guy couldn't figure out what your email was all about.  Its halfway through that you mention 'trans' - is that a four speed or automatic?
Seriously though what you might do now is send another email on the lines of
Dad, I hope you weren't totally shocked to have me confess to being a TRANSSEXUAL - Mom etc are fine and are supportive.  can we meet to talk it through and answer your questions?
sign it 'me' - but I've chosen the new female name Gabrielle-Nicole

Gabby, I just had to chime in with everyone else and say that your letter was wonderful, and very obviously from the heart.

No matter the response, take comfort in the fact that you are doing the right thing, and you softened the blow to your father as much as you could have.

-Gwen

Gabby:

That is one of the most reasoned, and well thought out letters I have ever read.

I truly hopes he sees the reason in it and responds in the best way possible.  As you said, despite everything else, you are still his child.

The one thing about transitioning, is that it is a transition for you and all around you.  Because of the way many of us closet ourselves, those around us are blindsided by the revelation.  That may be the way with your father.  Hopefully he is working through what he may feel is the enormity of the news.  I pray that he also agrees that you are still his child and he loves you.

If not now, then in time.

-Sandy

I just added his response and my last to my initial post...

Gabby

Be strong, Gabby....   

   I hope that you will find the same peace and happiness so many of us have found through transition. Your Dad's response, while written with what he perceives as your best interest in mind, is based on ignorance and selectively religious bias. He's so wrong...

We love you!  ;)


BTW, Costco scored 100 out of 100 on the Corporate Equality Index  :)  You'll have a long career with them as a Transsexual woman  :)

I am so sorry Gabby but you do have family here. Maybe one day he will learn more and change his views, I agree with Jessica he did sound like he thought he was saying the right things just ignorance I guess :( Also, I can't see Costco firing you, it'd be too hard to explain that after you come out they decide to fire you, wouldn't look good on there part. You seem like a very strong woman and I admire you for your response because I would not have been able to leave it at that.

I am sorry Gabby that he took the low road, but you still have us.  And we still love and SUPPORT you.

And You will be at Costco for a long time.  In fact I am trying to get on with them here.

I'm Sorry Gabby,

You still have all of us, and for what its worth, while you may not beable to reason with your father, It would appear that he still loves you very much, and who knows with time, he may come around.
You have given him the information and reason, now the ball is in his court, give him time, he may surprise you, if not, you still have you're real family here with us.

A couple of passages that I have found, that give me comfort more than reason:

Colossians 3:5-11:
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Mark 9:43-50:
43If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out.[c] 45And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell.[d] 47And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, 48where
   " 'their worm does not die,
      and the fire is not quenched.'[e] 49Everyone will be salted with fire.
50"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with each other."

Love and support,

Tali

Hi Gabby

Sorry that it did not go so well.  You have family that care about you and accept you.  Which is very important at a time like this. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Gabrielle

I don't know your father, obviously. But reading his reply and putting it with your mother's and step-father's response, plus the information he has suppllied about himself I get the following impressios.

Your father is detached from his family. He seems to feel that, to an extent, it is caused by other factors. He mentioned his problems with his own medications. He may well be feeling, to an extent, that his own position as a father, is undermined. But again, his mentioning of those medications suggests he is looking that that rather than anything else.

Presented with this option for enormous change, a change which will alter his entire preceptions of himself, as a father of a son, and of the life that has been blocked by other factors, his son.

He has, perhaps not unnaturally, reacted by saying, no, I can't lose my self image in this way. From there he has sought to find justification.

Now reading his justifications. He seems to be centred on two main points. Morality and your previous personality.

Morally his position is his own really. But you may have an opening here to compromise. We each have our own morality. If you think about it, we often make moral type statements in groups which inside, we clarifiy to ourselves. That is compromise.

One the previous personality, that is a lot more difficult to argue. Few of us, if any, know our own personalities. His image of you, growing up, was a father watching his son.

Now read this excert:

QuoteYou've never been 'neat', 'clean', orderly, 'sensitive', compassionate, interested in 'feelings', colors, the interests and needs of others... you've been the consummate uncaring, unfeeling, occasionally(?) rude, selfish, sometimes violent MAN.

That is his description of a male, and his description of the antithesis of a female.

Now, please, don't go away with the idea that I'm attacking or criticisning your father. I am not and never would. Even if I knew him intimately, I still wouldn't just as I would never criticise a parent to their offspring.

I offer this as perspectives. A way you can start to look at this issue.

You should also be thinking very seriously about the previous relationship you had with your dad. It is on that basis that you can build your future relationship.

One more point. You've told him now. Imagine, you send him another message saying you've changed your mind and won't change after all. How will that affect your future relationship?

Again, I make this final point to offer you a prespective. Once you have fully worked through all of these issues, you can begin to plan for the furture.

Hiya Gabrielle,

The email you sent your father was obviously written with care, consideration and love. You explained your decision and the causes and reasons for it quite eloquently. It's a damn sight more than my father will get.. I'm simply going to send him a copy of my name change documentation, to be added to the family history his wife maintains.. (Which I doubt will happen, she's a Mormon)

Your fathers response, whilst appearing to be heartfelt, is obviously clouded by both religion and the image you (we) have presented to the world up to now. Christianity, sadly, fails to follow the basic teachings within the bible, and unfortunately it would appear you father is going along the standard, slightly fundamentalist view.. There seems to have been some break up within the family, which seems to have left him feeling isolated from the family and your revelation has possibly left him further isolated. I wish there was something I could say to make this easier but I just don't know how..

But remember, we care and love you.. We understand and will support you in any way we can..

Hugs,
Kelly

Whoa. This was a tough one to read...
First of all I, before I join everybody in being disappointed by your dad, I think he sounds like a perceptive person after all. He is really thinking his way through his words. I had the impression he was torn between loving you and sheer not understanding. Which is to me a good sign. Despite of his words & choice. I don't see this as final between you and him . <-- This is just the impression I got.

I'm curious of how he will see things two years from now.
Had the impression he is a very emotional person. His way of writing feels rather feminine to me, with all the expressions of feelings and such. I just don't think he is a lost case on this one. He does love you, but you two need to find a way to deal with the topic.
How to do that? Maybe you can sit him down (not now! Give him time) and direct him away from this religious path. Because when people start saying "God says this, God says that", it sometimes ends bad, since nobody really knows what God is saying until we hear it from him.

It is sad, that he feels the way he does. But I don't have the same impression like I had of other parents going "waaaah, my child!" which means I don't consider him stubborn. Just afraid. It's jsut an impression of course.
Its really hard to find the words here.
I can't tell why I got this impression, but I feel like - even if he is so against it - he is someone that will stand up for you when it really matters. He's not showing this right now, and maybe I'm flat wrong, but this is what I felt reading the letter.
Give him time. Alone time. Later talk to him. Talk often, talk much, start a new relationship. Talk to him in a way he will understand. Try to leave religion out, when you express feelings, and ask him to do the same. It will not be pretty, and likely tiring to talk this way.
Make sure he understands. Find out what he hates so much about his son being his daughter.

I often say "hopeless. Just walk away" but this time I feel like you two are meant to work things out.

Well, you said your dad wouldn't take it very well, so I suppose you were right.   I'm sorry that he was unable to find a point where he could meet and support you.   He may not agree with your decision, but he could still find away to be there for you.

And Costco may be a family company, but they have very specific and strict policies on discrimination toward employees based on Gender Identity and Expression.    It's also very difficult to get fired from Costco as long as you continue to do your job as well as you've always done it.   I've seen total tools who weren't worth the dirt they walked on get moved around inside the company rather than be fired. :)

*Hugs*   Hang in there.   Perhaps he'll come around.

BTW,  What's up with all the ' ' in his message?   Does he do the little Finger Quote thing when he speaks to someone in person?

I agree with Kev. He seems to still be loving towards you, but a little confused and nervous about what this means. If I were you, I wouldn't miss the opportunity to talk to him / be around him to explain / show him how you are who you really are. I wouldn't push the issue though, as in don't smother him with trying to talk about it. Let him bring it up, schedule things to do with you or whatever. Don't write him off yet though, he made it pretty clear that he still loves you even if he can't accept your target gender. This, I think, means he loves you unconditionally, and I think love is stronger than the frustration you get when he uses any pronoun he can use (he / son etc) to refer to you as.

He has known you as a boy your whole life and he thinks this means you will be a totally different person.. and he is probably scared he will not be able to connect as well with the "new" you. He also may be scared for what this means for you. He might think you are going through a tough emotional time, or looking in the future knowing that people like us face a whole lot of tough times. Just don't write him off yet, give it time to see if he still wants to communicate with you in any way, and take it from there.

I'm so sorry the response was not at all positive, but to others points the winds may change...

I think the last thing you really need is for all of us to psychoanalyze your father (but I just can't help it!!!). ;)  I found it very sad that he believes (gender issues aside) that strength lies in simply accepting your fate. I've always believed true strength lies in taking control of your life and making the hard decisions.

It sounds like your mother left him to be with someone she truly loves. Your father sees this as nothing but selfishness, and that it was her duty to stay with him no matter what. I will refrain from the first few comments that popped into my head, as they were not very flattering to your father and that is not the point I am trying to make, but would he have preferred to have your mother stay with him, even though she loves someone else and is (I am making assumptions here) unhappy? Tying someone to yourself no matter how they feel... THAT is selfish. To that point, accepting the bad hand fate has dealt you without a fight is weakness.

I have been through a divorce myself, and left that unhealthy relationship to be with a remarkable woman that has brought me more happiness than I can express. Should I have stayed in a relationship that was failing, and making both of us miserable, out of duty? Some people may think so, but I do not doubt that I made the right decision, as I've never been happier. Was selfishness involved? Yes, it honestly was - sometimes you need to be a little selfish to be happy in life - but it wasn't ONLY selfishness. Living a lie is not good for anyone involved, whether that be staying in an unhappy marriage or living as the wrong gender.

If this is the right decision for you, then you may be surprised by how much joy it can bring into not only your own life, but the lives of those around you. My wife and I are the support unit for all of our friends, many of which have no family. I went from a depressed person with no friends to someone who can make a difference for others. I do believe this balances the pain my 'selfish' decisions inflicted upon others along the way...

Regarding the comments about your masculine behaviour... all I can say is that how we appear to others and what we feel inside can be worlds apart - especially when over compensating to fill a role we don't quite fit... Add to that the ability for people to see only what they want to see and.... well, you get the idea.

Apologies if I managed to offend!

XX
-Gwen

You didn't offend me at all. There is a very rocky relationship between my dad and I to say the least.

The only me my dad knows is how I was when I was 15-16 years old, which was almost 12 years ago.

My mom had an affair on my dad when I was 6. I saw the whole thing and was used pretty badly....

I actually wrote it out once for my little sister who is a result of the affair, maybe ill share it here...

Long story short, I moved back and fourth a lot between them, and was used pretty bad...

I lost him as a father before I ever turned 7, and until a year ago had gone over 9 years without seeing or talking to him virtually at all.

I can write more after work, I'm definitely getting better at typing on my phone at least!

Gabby

Came home to another e-mail. Just added it...

Gabby, based on the point that he is saying things that you know are not true, and the fact he called your employer about this.  It is time to cut all ties with him.  He will not change and can only get worst, IMHO.

Cut and run.

That's what my Mom, sisters and even girlfriend/bestfriend said to do...

I guess that's the only choice he's leaving me in the matter though. I can't let him dictate my life for me and it looks like he is going to try.

Gabby

Oi ... it seems to me that he's panicing.   He seems to feel a personal responsibility for your desire to transition and he's trying to manipulate you into changing your mind.   Like he somehow failed as a father.   You say that you've had a weak or non-existent relationship with him, and I think he's feeling vulnerable for not playing a more positive "Male influence" in your life. 

The best thing you can do is keep your resolve, I think.  If you want to save your relationship, try to convince him that it's not something he is responsible for.   That might help a bit.

As for calling the "Employee Services" I'm wondering who he called.  Yes, technically the insurance doesn't pay for "Sex Therapy" which includes all things Gender Identity, but the therapists, endo's, etc are all aware of this and work around that.  Mental Health is never covered well under insurance plans and they know that they won't get paid if they don't.   

I would be concerned that he'd call the insurance company next and somehow prompt them into putting you under a microscope.  I doubt they would or even care, but he sounds like the type that might do that in an effort to squash your efforts.  :(

*Hugs* ... I wish there was something I could say to help. :(

Hi Gabby,

It seems that he wants to be a part of your life, but he is scared, many fear what they don't understand.

I would personally cut your ties with him for now and give him some time, if you feel inclined, maybe send him some links and information, introduce him to the idea, and let him stew on it.

Either he will come around and see that you are still the same person, or he will act like a child, either way, it sounds like you have family that love and support you, and the action that he is taking will only serve to further alienate him from the rest of your family.

Love always,

Tali

His desperation is quite startling. My sense is that there is much more going on here than simply your desire to transition and his fear of that. Maybe grief over the little boy he thought he knew and guilt at being totally wrong? Fear of what others might say about him being absentee in your life and it "leading" to your decision? Fear of feelings it is awakening in him? A reliving of this incident with your mom?  Could be lots of things, but it seems like your news has tapped into some deep emotions in him. This is much more about him than you. Giving him space and time might be the best course here. Any 8 hour road trips and giving him stuff would seem to be off the table.

Wow, that second letter really shows how self centered he is about all of this. On the up side, I got the distinct impression he called HR anonymously without naming any names, and not your work directly.

-Gwen

The whole situation is beginning to scare me a bit.

He might very well be remembering when I was 5-6 years old and arguing with my cousin about being a girl and coming to him on it.

His method of dealing with these things were to spank you extremely hard and continuously until you said you were not whatever it was you were doing or wanting and you would verbally agree with him.

He used the same method on my oldest brother when my parents caught him at 14 in our sisters room, back when she was 7. My dad tried to beat what he was doing out of him, needless to say it worked for about 10 years or so, but you can't cure someone from things like that by beating them, and 30 years later, my oldest brother is sitting in jail a convicted pedophile.

He still to this day denies everything that happened with Michael, swearing he never knew, just like he's now denying knowing anything with me. Just like he claims he honestly believed my little was still his, even after knowing of the affair, and the fact that the year after I was born he got a vasectomy. He knew before she was born that my mom had an affair, but would still parade around and tell everyone she was a miracle baby, and now 22 years later still holds to his story about never knowing of the affair until she was 3. Yet they filed for a divorce when I was 8 and she's only 7 years and 1 month younger then me...

Waking up today I realize my best bet is to cut all ties, as has been said, and keep moving forward. My sister sent a very nice e-mail in response to what my dad sent me, and my moms reply is the way a parent SHOULD respond to something like this.

I better get ready for work.

Gabby

 His response sounds like the most insidious of all; A self righteous assumption that you're in trouble and he wants to "help" you. If you took out the references to Transsexuality, his emails could have been written to someone suffering from drug addiction or alcoholism, emphasizing how much you're hurting everyone around you.
  "This can not be." ...... This is all about him... What you are contributes to his failure as a person. You can't exist in his world. He's repeatedly referring to you as Son, kid.... reaffirming his image of you as masculine. He's threatening you.... threatening to withhold his relationship. He's lying to you about what those close to you have said. HE CALLED YOUR EMPLOYER!!! The danger here is that, the closer you allow him to be, the more he will try to manipulate every part of your world, throwing up any obstacles he can to your transition. As Transsexuals, we don't need more obstacles.
  I don't think you can (or should) afford any more contact with him at all... He'll interpret every communication with you to be an opportunity to impede your progress. Any information you provide to him will be manipulated to be used against you. You don't need any of this! Maybe this is something you can work on in the future but early transition isn't the time to be fighting.... Use your energy for the positive things that are happening.

Ughhh... I know all too well what it feels like to get that kind of response.  I came out to both my parents in person at the same time.  They ended up ganging up on me with a very similar argument minus the religious references.  Nothing I said convinced them because they would just turn my argument around and spit it back at me.  For example, I apparently want to be female because I got teased by boys in grade school and want to disassociate with maleness - what I actually told them was that I got teased because of how I acted and because I had girls as friends.

I'm not sure if my dad is ever going to come around.  He's probably still delusional, believing he's going to have to quit his job from all the ridicule he thinks will get because I work at the same company, though a different facility 30 minutes away.  I did end up having a follow-up conversation with my mother and she may be coming along.  She finally realized I'm serious after I broke down crying for 10 minutes while we were talking  :-\.  I can only hope it becomes better as I transition and they realize their fears are unfounded, because I'm really not sure what they're so scared of. 

Gabby

Just read your father's last email.

Basically, what he is implying is that you have a choice, between material prosperity and happiness. I think he knows how miserable you are, I get that impression anyway.

As for contacting your employers. If they are worth a bean they will see this for what it is. At the very least, ignore it, at best, offer you some support.

I can only repeat what Janet said, cut and run.

I don't want to interfere with your dad, but contacting others about such a personal issue suggests he has no respect for you at all.

Not sure why I shared my response to him... Either way it's up on the front page in the initial post.

Gabby

Gabby,
I know I responded to this once or twice before after reading the other letters but I have to say you are an incredible woman. That letter, though yes angry, did not seem mean or to insult him. The letter seemed written in anger but not in a way of blaming him for anything, with exception of the things you have said he did. I hope one day he changes his mind and if he does that you let him in because it would be a shame for his anger and ignorance to keep him from getting to know his daughter. Good luck with any future contact from him.

Hi Gabby,

I just wanted to leave a message, you are a very strong woman, and I commend you on response to your father, Its a shame for any parent to act this way.
You have handled yourself exceptionally well.
Goodluck with your transition and future relations with your father.

Love,

Tali