Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 For all my life I knew I was different, than boys that is, throughout my life I had to play pretty convincing pretend to go about days worth, without confrontations. Daily I was picked on for being feminine, given girls nickname, and occasionally bullied for my girlishness. I was called a girl by strangers giving my mother fuel for explanation. I had to put on the manly show and I got very good at pretend and sometimes I forgot I was playing the part, but was I?

With all my heart I want to believe that I finally am all the girl I always dreamed of being, but some thoughts keep on haunting again and again. As a small boy I did not play with dolls nor did I hang out with girls, I assimilated my thinking to that of girls but often thought they were silly and their games kind of boring. Older I got I wanted to become a woman but on my terms sensual yet tomboyish, sexy yet strong, beautiful......well just beautiful.
And finally I got so tangled up in life that here I was a father, husband, citizen, and yet Alexia, soft, sensual, fragile, screaming from within for help.

No I am not a girlie girl, the one who stands by her man, the one who loves horses, the one who loves chick flicks........wait I do like chick flicks and cry my eyes out when he finally comes back and holds her in his arms and aawww.................sorry.

Well you sort of get the picture, am I just so confused and tangled up in all the emotional stuff or am I just a girl who was trapped within this brutal sequence of events called life.
I feel a girl within much stronger than the boy without but she still likes to race cars not horses, wear jeans and tshirts, I suppose if she only had a physique in line with her soul a lot would be different, maybe.
Am I the only one?

No, Alexia, you're not the only one.  I sometimes think that we are not only rare and unique in terms of how society thinks of gender, but because we are rare and unique, we are also all quite different from each other.  At least, despite many, many similarities in our stories, there are also striking differences.  I think therapy is generally a good idea, if only to help unscramble the spaghetti of emotional baggage that comes along with the territory.  Years and years of living with the knowledge one dares not share, yet knows to be true - that takes its toll.  And each of us has our own pressures and torments to bear.  One thing that kept me confused for years is that my primary sexual attraction is to women.  That, and a really raging libido.  Those two things are normally associated with men.  However, I am not, at least not on the inside.  And now, late in life, I am hoping to finally do something about it.  I'm finally confronting it - I've been running from it and trying to hide from it all my life.  I can no longer do that.  I must be who I am.  It's just that simple.  I hope I'm strong enough to be up to the task.  Hugs to you, girl...

This is from social pressure, to be gender 'normative'.

Really you can be the kind of woman you want to be.

Myself, I like hunting, as a kid I owned knives and slug guns, and built forts and I have a firearms license. I've butchered deer and carried meat out of the bush.  I can fix my car, put up dry wall, plaster and paint. I know how to hammer in a nail or use power tools. I'm a drummer in a rock band

I'm no girlie girl, though I still like to be pretty, and vulnerable and dress up and wear makeup, and be submissive with my girlfriend. At the same time my friends say I am a little tom boyish. My girl thinks is is totally hot that I can do the above things and I think that is really cool too.

You sound like a girl, who had the opportunity to do things you really enjoyed free from certain pressures other girls had, even if they are not particulalry girly. But now you are facing those social pressures and it is making you question if you are a girl as you don't quite fit the mold society says you should. But there is nothing wrong with still enjoying them, that does not make you less of a woman. I think the point of transitioning is not to go from one prison into another.

Quote from: Nicky on August 19, 2010, 08:58:09 PMI think the point of transitioning is not to go from one prison into another.

very well said. :)

Yes Nicky, very well said "

QuoteI think the point of transitioning is not to go from one prison into another.

It sort of struck me between eyes, so true!
What I am feeling is the truth!
How I want to fit into society is not necessarily my truth, but me bending the truth to fit. Dilemma arises when those two collide and for obvious reasons don't jell.

Big hugs sis. 
Women these days can do whatever they want, be a hunter, a mechanic, a doctor, or a reality TV "star".  We can too when we get there, unlike being a man in contemporary society stuck with limited roles,  so I am looking forward to it.

My role models are TV characters like Emma Peel from the show 'The Avengers',  and real women like Marie Curie, Nancy Wake and Elizabeth I.  Multi-dimensional, and complex.

I want to wear elegant gowns and such, but I will still be riding motorcycles when I am an 'Old Bat' if I have any say in the matter! 

I wear dresses, makeup and try to be a girlly girl.  But that does not stop me from working on the car, repairing a pluming problem, rewire a house.

If you want a male job done, hire a woman. 

Alexia, you can still be you and be a woman.  There is no such thing as a male or female sociality roles.

Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 20, 2010, 11:52:47 AM
I wear dresses, makeup and try to be a girlly girl.  But that does not stop me from working on the car, repairing a pluming problem, rewire a house.

If you want a male job done, hire a woman. 

Alexia, you can still be you and be a woman.  There is no such thing as a male or female sociality roles.

Not anymore, anyway ^_~

This is something I've actually brought with with my friends who are helping me out, and the answer they gave to that resounding "Who am I" is "You are Star. Everything else is what you make of it."

...it's hard to explain exactly, but it helps me.

I think it's a little silly, and it's a trend I've begun to notice as I get deeper in this. For some reason, transgirls seem to think they need to be as female as possible, to the point of being a sterotype. That's not helping anyone, you're just putting another mask over the top of yours. Be you, and haters going to hate.