Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

Hi Melody, I don't know if this helps but I feel the same. Although I have been on HRT for over a year, what I want to accomplish is so far away in a distance that I am not sure I have enough strength and time left.  guess you can say I am truly hormonal today :'(. Oh well there is a comfort in company so I do hope tomorrow will be better for us, Love, Alexia.

I felt the same once. Thing is once transition gets going, it picks up speed and everything's over before you know it. It just starts out slow and painful. Sort of like getting into a pool of cold water. When you first put your feet in, you go very slow and you don't know how you'll be able to stand it. Once you're all the way in though, you adjust, and the water's warm.

Just pick something and start. What do you want to have happen with your hair, voice, walk, etc? What's the weight thing about?

Yes I often feel like it so ... far away that I will never make it.
Some how the day goes by. And the next and the next.
Then I  notice something has changed and I am more of a girl and I feel better.
I hope you do.
Jillieann

Hugs!

The wait is the worst bit. Any progress is good progress.

I think you are beautiful Melody. All women are beautiful.

Take care

Nicole  :-*

@Melody:  {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, the waiting, and trying to figure out how to get started.  I just became self-aware a couple of months ago, and given my situation (married, 3 kids, everyone still at home), it seemed hopeless at first.  But... baby steps.  Already I've surprised myself by beginning to buy some clothes, and as I'm on vacation week after next... SHOPPING!!!  And I've decided I'm going to start shaving certain things, slowly at first.  I'm trying to be respectful of my wife's feelings, while still doing some things for myself.  I'm actually amazed at how far I've come in such a short time.  I start seeing a therapist week after next, so that should help, too.  But, yeah.  Some days are better than others.  Some days are downright painful.  Even being busy doesn't always help.  Sometimes I sit at work and play computer solitaire all day.  Literally.  I'm just too sad to work sometimes.

But keep your chin up, girl.  You're doing fine, and things will get better.  I just look at all the girls here for inspiration, they're truly wonderful!

Thanks to all of you, especially Nicole. No one has ever told me that I am beautiful. Perhaps this beauty is buried under boy and fat (the weight thing), but I will get there. I quit the lifelong habit of biting my nails and they are much nicer and longer. Not quite too long for a man yet, but closer. My voice is naturally higher pitched, but I have found that makes things tougher. I sound too much like me to judge whether it is womanly. Hair is growing, but still in early stages. Have worked on the walk and doing pretty well there. Won't buy any clothes until I've dropped enough weight. Makeup is unexplored and probably next up. Laser facial hair treatment next week. Shaved off body hair and trimmed eyebrows. Out of everything, the eyebrows made the most difference. My features have been described as soft, but I really noticed it after getting the brows waxed. Once they are trimmed to a female look and I have long hair, I think I should be passable

Things are moving, but so slow. I feel like I am in the waiting room looking to start the rest of my life and the doctors control everything. It will happen. I am in this for the long haul.

Thats the spirit Melody.
One step at a time will get you there.
And look at how far you came all ready.
Way to go girl.
Jillieann

Colleen, I am right there with you on the too sad to work.  Luckily my wife makes the living, but I also have my own business. To say that I have been uninspired would be an understatement. Just be careful others don't take notice. It is a bad time to be out of work and it might make the wife resentful. Good on you girl though about the clothes and shaving. I know this is a big step for you.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, Melody, but seriously, you just take care of yourself, dear, I'll be fine.  Luckily, I'm a senior IT goddess of long tenure, and even with my moodiness of late, I'm still far more productive than most of the others in my dept.  And my monitor faces an outer window, so nobody can sneak up on me.

Still... I'm not being all that bold with the shaving.  Back, shoulders, maybe upper arms, nothing more adventurous than that, I'm afraid, at least until long-sleeve and long-pants weather.  Stuff I can easily defend.  I would just LOVE to shave everything, but... not yet.  My kids still don't know anything about this, and I'm afraid of telling them, but of course that bridge will have to be crossed also, and probably fairly soon...

Just a couple of thoughts:

Like somebody said before "some days are better than others"

And, mainly:

MOST OF US transitioning feel EXACTLY THE WAY YOU DO , on any given phase and on any given day. I think those girls here that say "I'm completely happy, I'm exactly where I wanted to be, I'm 100% woman now, etc.etc." are a minority of the MTF whole transitioning population, I'd dare say 5% or less. And those girls whose pic you see and they LOOK EVEN BETTER THAN MOST GGs (more feminine and cuter), are FOR SURE even a smaller minority, but curiously, it seems they are the ones that appear more frequently on postings here and on other TG-related sites. Why? I guess maybe because THEY DID IT, they finally got to the end of the line, and now they feel so happy and good by themselves, that they are always in the mood to share their experience, give their advice/opinion etc. etc. because for them, their own life and experience IS NOW a happy one!

Transition is very difficult. I'm yet to hear a gurl saying "things were soo easy for me to become a full trans-woman, from the beginning". Not even the ones who started at the "right age" (12-14 years old, beginning puberty) can say they had it easy, EVEN IF THEY HAD THEIR FAMILY SUPPORT.

Most of us don't have our family's backing (in my case, they don't even know, my parents would disown me and my bros and sisters disdain me), and, in my specific case, aside from the things you mention, I also have another problem: I have to shave off my hair, so I have to wear a wig all the time, as a boy or as a girl. And so far, i'm the only one here I've known to do that!

So, try and cheer up girl, you're not alone, when I feel like you do (depressed, every day I feel somewhat like that, simply because I'm not a woman), I start exercising my lower body: butt, hips, legs... It surely distracts me and makes me feel feminine, specially if I paint my lips very sexy and wear a cute outfit to exercise...

It took me forever to begin HRT, thought that was gonna be the "panacea" and I'd feel calm and quiet, NO WAY!!! I feel much better than before HRT, SIMPLY BECAUSE AT LEAST I'M TRYING! But it's a long, hard road, and it's a road that is traveled alone, in the end it is no one but you who decides to be  strong and realize your dreams no matter what...

Be strong and start taking steps on the things you can do now! (Like losing weight if that's the case, learning to apply makeup, which makes A WORLD of difference, learning to pick the clothes that favor you, etc. etc...

Take care!

Kisses

Bibi

Quote from: Melody on August 26, 2010, 04:08:20 PM
I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

Thanks BiBi. I'm feeling better since I posted this, but other challenges are cropping up. My wife has moved into the anger phase. She is mostly supportive, but every once in awhile she uses words like bitter, betrayed and played for a sucker. I love her, but it is hard to accept that something that will make me happy is (and will continue) causing her so much pain. I can't blame her for feeling this way, but I honestly don't know how much I can take.

I had my first laser treatment on my beard yesterday and today I threw out almost all my boy underwear in favor of ladies. Shaped and painted my nails with a clear, but a little shiny, nail polish. Therapist told me this week that I seem a lot more feminine now. Got mam'ed at the bank before a quickly offered sir even though I am in full boy mode. Things must be leaking out somehow. So, I am doing what I can, but yes, this is easily the most difficult thing I have ever done.

Hi Melody
you are not the only one who has blue days.
yesterday I called the surgeons' secretary to ask if she has got funding through from my local health board, got her answering machine and left message but no reply.
Then I called the local health person, got the answering machine...

so I ended the day really upset.

Hi Melody,

At the beginning of transition things seem to go very, very slow, almost in slow motion but as its already been said it does speed up. Everyone has good and bad days during this period. At the end of my transition it speed up so much I didn't even have time to sort my garden out before my op, lol Which I so wanted/needed to do. Now I'm looking at it, I have the time off work and can't do a dammed thing to it, lol. Such is life, lol. I will be able one day.

I had to do two years RLT here in the UK to get funding not the one that most have to do and its taken me just over three years since my initial visit to the GID clinic and that first appointment. added to that decades of time, I'm 51, lol. But yeah, its worth the wait so hang in there and take hold of the positives like you have mentioned.

Stardust

Hi Melody,

As everyone has said there are good and bad days and family circumstances really are hard to deal with.  I was very depressed and went onto medication which helped a heap. I'm now almost completely off it (the dose has to be reduced slowly), I started to feel really happy several weeks ago. Going out as me, going to restaurants as me, and normal everyday places not 'GLBT friendly' places. Again as others have said it is a slow process in every department. I live as me PT, I have had little development from HRT, but I'm not worried about that either.

Take care doll and try to see the good sides.

Hugs

Cindy

You feelin' blue???

Just wait until you're on the juice and you have to stop taking E before a surgery (if you'll have any). Being on T-blockers alone can cause some weird things with the mood. I had to stop a few days ago and mostly feel like sh.t since then :) And this is a month of pause before and a month after the surgery and the latter part also includes the after-effects of anasthetics as well which are not known to cause happy moments either :) Awww, I can't wait to heal and continue the stuff because this is something I wouldn't recommend even to my enemies :)

Anyway, heads up, Mel! :) Time will prove you're stronger than you think. As goes the saying. And Bibi's right too: exercise makes you feel better, you just have to start it because it won't come to you by itself :)

g

Quote from: ggina on September 03, 2010, 01:04:53 PM
You feelin' blue???

Just wait until you're on the juice and you have to stop taking E before a surgery (if you'll have any). Being on T-blockers alone can cause some weird things with the mood. I had to stop a few days ago and mostly feel like sh.t since then :) And this is a month of pause before and a month after the surgery and the latter part also includes the after-effects of anasthetics as well which are not known to cause happy moments either :) Awww, I can't wait to heal and continue the stuff because this is something I wouldn't recommend even to my enemies :)

Anyway, heads up, Mel! :) Time will prove you're stronger than you think. As goes the saying. And Bibi's right too: exercise makes you feel better, you just have to start it because it won't come to you by itself :)

g

I'm running three miles a day and will soon increase that. Lost about 10lbs already. I can't wait until I am a month away from surgery!

Quote from: Melody on August 26, 2010, 04:08:20 PM
I just didn't want to get out if bed this morning. The full weight of transitioning just sat on me and squashed my self-esteem like a bug. I am so far away from where I want to be. Weight, hair, clothes, makeup, voice, walk, behavior are part of the long road I have to travel and I have barely taken the first step. Hormones won't be part of the equation until October. I hope I find some relief then. The waiting is killing me.

Thanks for letting me vent. Today has been rough with several emotional breakdowns for me.

I know exactly what you are going through Melody. Not because I've been there, but because I am there right now. I read your post and it felt so much like reading my own. I haven't received any sort of date on my hormones yet, but I have had a psychological assessment. The psychologist diagnosed everything I already knew, I have GID and Dysthymia from early childhood. I've been keeping my head recently though mainly because I can a glimmer at the end of a very long and all-consuming dark tunnel.

What helps for myself, which I don't know if it will for you, is keeping myself occupied enough that I won't really think about it that much other than holing on to the knowledge that I am finally making some progress toward either freeing myself from the hell of living this way or at least making it a little less unbearable. Basically I just keep thinking of how nice it will feel at the end. Focus ahead and not where I am now.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is do whatever it is that person you want to be or that part of yourself you want to let out, and do it enough to where it will carry you through the bad times and keep your mind on the goal and how fulfilling it will be. Do NOT ever think of how long it take to get there.

Also, if you have any family and/or friends, get used to the idea of letting them go. I'm not saying do it, but get used to the idea of letting them go so that if it does happen, it won't crush you when or if it does happen.

Anyway, take whatever you can out of that advice and I hope it helps. I've already vented recently, so I won't mope to all of you.

Quote from: Melody on September 03, 2010, 03:53:29 PM
I'm running three miles a day and will soon increase that. Lost about 10lbs already.

Hey, congrats! :) That's a lot more than I do, I only go out 2-3 times a week... Altough then I do longer sessions (2-4 hours of cycling) I just don't like to get sweaty every day :)

g

I don't like to get sweaty at all, but that's one of life's many inconveniences. Three miles a day though... that's a lot. Oh, and you're going to increase it soon. :)

You have oodles of willpower over me. I don't think I could ever get myself to maintain that kind of regimen. But you've already lost 10 lbs! Keep at it. You're doing fabulous!  :eusa_clap:

The road less travelled... is a long and arduous one....

But the blues thank god, for most of us are only temporary Melody (though getting through them can seem arduously torturous in the eye of the storm)...

And though I've had a wonderful life as a woman - I completely transitioned over 20 years ago - this year sees me almost back to square one again, with my 'normal' life on hold... with a return to multiple surgeries as I hit my early fifties... as I intend to be a sassy-ole-bitch for another good decade or two.... *s->-bleeped-<-s*

In May/June I did major 26 teeth/jaw oral surgery, 6 weeks to get through 3 of which in Budapest...now Labiaplasty and body contouring in AZ - one op down next one on the 14th...(ouch) - and end-o-year 2010 Xmas a facelift with a few FFS tweaks....so I'm just about half-way through the schedule....gruelling is an understatement!!

So today, 4th day post op labiaplasty... I'm still hotel room bound, with only the laptop & iPod player keeping me compos-mentis, (plus the wonderful usual suspects on the Susan's forums to chat along to).....that and my cell phone, albeit my window for talking with mates is tiny as though its midday here in AZ, its gone 8pm already in London...

I've had a minor complication, (bugger/damn/blast) and really freaked myself late last nite, while peaking deeper inside myself for the first time, putting on the 'Bacitracin' I found a nice large pea sized blood-clot staring back at me!!

So once more the tears started a flowing....lol

Thankfully the lovely Ms. Takata (Dr M staff stalwart)... helped me down from the hyperventilation point.... and checked me legs in stirrups this morning...she's seen them before, they're par for the course occasionally with some of us gals...apparently? Just too many darned blood vessels in that uber sensitive area....

So it's another goodie-bag full of pads and creams in case it bursts... and once more ice and sit it out.....  ???

But the key point of the story being...that no mater how far along our personal life journey's we be....bad days must we all endure....its all part of the natural balance.!

But heck, look out at the amazing sky, be blown away by a sunset... and simply marvel at the never-ending beauty of our planet...open a window and feel the wind and sun on yer face....take a step outside...

And go live.....

Quote from: Jaemi on September 04, 2010, 01:29:53 PM
I don't like to get sweaty at all, but that's one of life's many inconveniences. Three miles a day though... that's a lot. Oh, and you're going to increase it soon. :)

You have oodles of willpower over me. I don't think I could ever get myself to maintain that kind of regimen. But you've already lost 10 lbs! Keep at it. You're doing fabulous!  :eusa_clap:

Thanks. I was a cross country runner in high school and the stamina has not totally left me. Back in those days, I used to be able to run 5 miles a day at 7:30 mile pace and a single mile in 5 minute or a 5K race over hills in about 19:30. I'm a lot slower now Lost a lot of weight back then (50lbs or so) too to be able to do that. Sad thing was that none of the girls seemed to care about my new body. Seems more obvious now that I was just giving off a non-masculine aura or something. Girls always treated me as friends.

Anyway, 3 miles has always been the magic number for me to lose weight in great big gobs. I was afraid to get on the scale last night because I had been decidedly bad with the eating this week. Still running, but eating out to much. Lo and behold, I lost more weight than last week! Color me shocked. Weight loss now up to about 14lbs. now.

I also wanted to relay a touching moment for me today. My wife has been having a hard time of it, as you can imagine, but today we went out to lunch and had a good time. Afterwards, went out to the car and she had bought me a present. Some very nice heels from DSW. She called it the first thing she has every bought Melody. This was a big deal to me and her and I hugged her and nearly cried. I am sure I would have if it wasn't for this damn T running through my system!

One last thing, Jaemi if that is you in your avatar, you are already stunning!

Quote from: Jaemi on September 04, 2010, 12:53:58 AM
I know exactly what you are going through Melody. Not because I've been there, but because I am there right now. I read your post and it felt so much like reading my own. I haven't received any sort of date on my hormones yet, but I have had a psychological assessment. The psychologist diagnosed everything I already knew, I have GID and Dysthymia from early childhood. I've been keeping my head recently though mainly because I can a glimmer at the end of a very long and all-consuming dark tunnel.

What helps for myself, which I don't know if it will for you, is keeping myself occupied enough that I won't really think about it that much other than holing on to the knowledge that I am finally making some progress toward either freeing myself from the hell of living this way or at least making it a little less unbearable. Basically I just keep thinking of how nice it will feel at the end. Focus ahead and not where I am now.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is do whatever it is that person you want to be or that part of yourself you want to let out, and do it enough to where it will carry you through the bad times and keep your mind on the goal and how fulfilling it will be. Do NOT ever think of how long it take to get there.

Also, if you have any family and/or friends, get used to the idea of letting them go. I'm not saying do it, but get used to the idea of letting them go so that if it does happen, it won't crush you when or if it does happen.

Anyway, take whatever you can out of that advice and I hope it helps. I've already vented recently, so I won't mope to all of you.

Forgot to mention, yes, I am prepared to lose friends and family. However, I have already come out to several and the experience has been positive. My youngest sister is very supportive and I don't really have much fear of rejection from the rest. My wife has come out to her sister and that has gone well. We have also come out to our closest married couple friends and one other friend, all with great love and support. This was the group we expected to react that way though. My wife's mom and sister, that will probably be another story. The rest of our friends I have no clue about. No doubt pain lies ahead.

Quote from: Melody on September 04, 2010, 06:34:57 PM
Forgot to mention, yes, I am prepared to lose friends and family. However, I have already come out to several and the experience has been positive. My youngest sister is very supportive and I don't really have much fear of rejection from the rest of my side of the family. My wife has come out to her sister and that has gone well. We have also come out to our closest married couple friends and one other friend, all with great love and support. This was the group we expected to react that way though. My wife's mom and sister, that will probably be another story. The rest of our friends I have no clue about. No doubt pain lies ahead.

Quote from: Cruelladeville on September 04, 2010, 02:17:52 PM
The road less travelled... is a long and arduous one....

But the blues thank god, for most of us are only temporary Melody (though getting through them can seem arduously torturous in the eye of the storm)...

And though I've had a wonderful life as a woman - I completely transitioned over 20 years ago - this year sees me almost back to square one again, with my 'normal' life on hold... with a return to multiple surgeries as I hit my early fifties... as I intend to be a sassy-ole-bitch for another good decade or two.... *s->-bleeped-<-s*

In May/June I did major 26 teeth/jaw oral surgery, 6 weeks to get through 3 of which in Budapest...now Labiaplasty and body contouring in AZ - one op down next one on the 14th...(ouch) - and end-o-year 2010 Xmas a facelift with a few FFS tweaks....so I'm just about half-way through the schedule....gruelling is an understatement!!

So today, 4th day post op labiaplasty... I'm still hotel room bound, with only the laptop & iPod player keeping me compos-mentis, (plus the wonderful usual suspects on the Susan's forums to chat along to).....that and my cell phone, albeit my window for talking with mates is tiny as though its midday here in AZ, its gone 8pm already in London...

I've had a minor complication, (bugger/damn/blast) and really freaked myself late last nite, while peaking deeper inside myself for the first time, putting on the 'Bacitracin' I found a nice large pea sized blood-clot staring back at me!!

So once more the tears started a flowing....lol

Thankfully the lovely Ms. Takata (Dr M staff stalwart)... helped me down from the hyperventilation point.... and checked me legs in stirrups this morning...she's seen them before, they're par for the course occasionally with some of us gals...apparently? Just too many darned blood vessels in that uber sensitive area....

So it's another goodie-bag full of pads and creams in case it bursts... and once more ice and sit it out.....  ???

But the key point of the story being...that no mater how far along our personal life journey's we be....bad days must we all endure....its all part of the natural balance.!

But heck, look out at the amazing sky, be blown away by a sunset... and simply marvel at the never-ending beauty of our planet...open a window and feel the wind and sun on yer face....take a step outside...

And go live.....

I have been keeping up with the posts on your surgery. You are a witty, intelligent and unbelievably strong women. I am finding depths of strength myself that surprise me, but you leave me in awe.

For you Melody...

(A thought from someone far wiser than me)... to comfort you on your own unique journey...

'Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries, without them humanity cannot survive'...

Quote from: Melody on September 04, 2010, 06:27:32 PM
One last thing, Jaemi if that is you in your avatar, you are already stunning!

Oh. You don't... yes you do... you should know perfectly well how much I wish that were true. Unfortunately, it isn't. It's a girl I used to chat with online many moons ago. It's also kind of an ideal I've set in my mind of what I wish to look like. Unfortunately, that won't happen either with modern science. I'm quite a bit larger than she was at the time. She was fairly petite. I'm like 5'9''-5'10'' if standing and weigh about 230 lbs. While I'm not hugely fat, I am not at all slim and only in the most unusual of circumstances can I be confused for a woman. Then that is surely only until I speak.

Anyway, I am also bound to a wheelchair. I've spent the last 20+ years apathetically destroying my body and it's about like stopping a landslide to stop the momentum now. But, I'm trying.

You certainly have my respect though. Cross country running is some rough work. That was a very touching thing your wife did, so sweet of her.

Quote
And that really depresses me, I prefer 1000 times an estrogen-induced depression, crying and zero libido, but knowing my feminization is working

agree! Feelin' blue can indeed be a good sign, come to think of it :) Try androcur, btw, but I've already said that. And yes, I'll stop taking that before surgery, it's good to have your advice. Although my doc hasn't told me to but being more careful never hurts.

However, I've never cried while on E but instead laughed more, like you now. I used to cry when I wasn't on it. Go figure. And it's much cheaper than pot. If this goes on I'll go casting for the Joker in the next Batman movie :)

g

Quote from: ggina on September 19, 2010, 05:21:33 PMI used to cry when I wasn't on it.

Yes, that's the number one thing that's been happening with me since I "woke up" (ended my denial/came out to myself) - I will cry just out of the blue.  Usually just silent tears, forming at the corners of my eyes.  At first I thought it was a reaction to realizing how seldom I've been happy in the past 30+ years of marriage, but then I began to realize that the GID was NOT "ancient history" as I had supposed.  So yeah... I cannot WAIT to experience what E and T-blockers can do...