General Discussions => General discussions => ARGHHH! => Topic started by: Fenrir on September 07, 2010, 09:37:00 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Just feel inadequate. ):
Post by: Fenrir on September 07, 2010, 09:37:00 PM
Post by: Fenrir on September 07, 2010, 09:37:00 PM
I need a rant. :(
I met up with some friends today that I haven't seen for ages, two of them for over a year (they went to Syria to learn Arabic), and the other three for a least a month (one teaching Tibetan refugee children English in India and two walking Hadrian's Wall for charity, respectively). I love them all to bits, and they are honestly the finest of the finest, most interesting people I've ever met. However, it's been a while since I've talked to any females, so I was really out of practise with how I should act around them (which was weird), but... I felt so terrible about myself after I left them. Like, they've been doing all this amazing stuff, and what have I done? Nothing. It's partially my own fault, I know, but that just makes it worse, it's like I've failed something. And they're properly nice people, it's not like they were rubbing my nose in it or anything, but I just kind of sat there quietly and listened to their stories about the people they've met and the adventures they've had (not to mention the finer points of Arabic pronounciation and lots of talk of world politics, which I only know the gist of and so can't form a non-stupid opinion about) and just felt like an impostor. Someone added on. I felt like there wasn't really any point in me being there and it would have been a lot less awkward without me. I felt like I was forcing my company upon them because I'd had to keep reminding one of them that we should meet up before I got invited. I know intellectually that they probably didn't think this and it's totally irrational, but it just got to me for some reason.
I don't know, it was just like next to them I was this dull, awkward, not-really-a-girl-either... thing and there's no way I can measure up to them, so why would I even try? I can't relate to them, despite the fact that I desperately want to, and they've already achieved way more than I have (got into much better Universities, speak more languages, greater interest in politics, more articulate, etc. etc.) I mean, what have I ever done with my life? Gone to school, been miserable, been happy again. Gained an extensive knowledge of YouTube. Been to the cinema more times this summer than anyone else I know. I don't know.
The worst part was that after that I went into town with the two that had gone to Syria. I expected more people to come, but by the point I found out they weren't it seemed rude to say 'actually, now I'm here, I'll go home', but it was very... isolating. Apart from them speaking in Arabic half the time, they kept referring to people they'd met and things they'd done that, naturally, I had no idea about. I felt like a total gooseberry. I kept thinking that I should have left while I had the chance, instead of standing awkwardly behind two people who had grown very close from spending every day together in Damascus and now had the greatest repertoire of in-jokes ever invented. The times when I was alone with one or the other were just characterised by long silences where both of us just tried to think of something to say to the other.
I wish time didn't slip through my fingers like this. I have done nothing. Where is my life going? I'm scared.
I know, I know, this is all stupid, and I'll feel more proactive about it tomorrow. But for now, I just feel frustrated with myself. ...Gah. :'(
I met up with some friends today that I haven't seen for ages, two of them for over a year (they went to Syria to learn Arabic), and the other three for a least a month (one teaching Tibetan refugee children English in India and two walking Hadrian's Wall for charity, respectively). I love them all to bits, and they are honestly the finest of the finest, most interesting people I've ever met. However, it's been a while since I've talked to any females, so I was really out of practise with how I should act around them (which was weird), but... I felt so terrible about myself after I left them. Like, they've been doing all this amazing stuff, and what have I done? Nothing. It's partially my own fault, I know, but that just makes it worse, it's like I've failed something. And they're properly nice people, it's not like they were rubbing my nose in it or anything, but I just kind of sat there quietly and listened to their stories about the people they've met and the adventures they've had (not to mention the finer points of Arabic pronounciation and lots of talk of world politics, which I only know the gist of and so can't form a non-stupid opinion about) and just felt like an impostor. Someone added on. I felt like there wasn't really any point in me being there and it would have been a lot less awkward without me. I felt like I was forcing my company upon them because I'd had to keep reminding one of them that we should meet up before I got invited. I know intellectually that they probably didn't think this and it's totally irrational, but it just got to me for some reason.
I don't know, it was just like next to them I was this dull, awkward, not-really-a-girl-either... thing and there's no way I can measure up to them, so why would I even try? I can't relate to them, despite the fact that I desperately want to, and they've already achieved way more than I have (got into much better Universities, speak more languages, greater interest in politics, more articulate, etc. etc.) I mean, what have I ever done with my life? Gone to school, been miserable, been happy again. Gained an extensive knowledge of YouTube. Been to the cinema more times this summer than anyone else I know. I don't know.
The worst part was that after that I went into town with the two that had gone to Syria. I expected more people to come, but by the point I found out they weren't it seemed rude to say 'actually, now I'm here, I'll go home', but it was very... isolating. Apart from them speaking in Arabic half the time, they kept referring to people they'd met and things they'd done that, naturally, I had no idea about. I felt like a total gooseberry. I kept thinking that I should have left while I had the chance, instead of standing awkwardly behind two people who had grown very close from spending every day together in Damascus and now had the greatest repertoire of in-jokes ever invented. The times when I was alone with one or the other were just characterised by long silences where both of us just tried to think of something to say to the other.
I wish time didn't slip through my fingers like this. I have done nothing. Where is my life going? I'm scared.
I know, I know, this is all stupid, and I'll feel more proactive about it tomorrow. But for now, I just feel frustrated with myself. ...Gah. :'(
Title: Re: Just feel inadequate. ):
Post by: ggina on September 08, 2010, 11:56:23 AM
Post by: ggina on September 08, 2010, 11:56:23 AM
I think I know what you're feeling... I lost some friends because of reasons similar to this. My life is at nowhere today meanwhile they've become very successful at what they do. They have a life and what do I have? If I'm very lucky, someday I'll have my real self :)
Most people will never understand -however emphatic they might be- that how can one person's only one life goal be is to belong to the other sex. It seems so selfish for them - and I sometimes feel the same about myself. Why I'm so incapable of doing something else instead, something more important, not for myself but for humanity? We are selfish, yes, but we're not to blame for it. And I think we need secondary goals as well: "okay, now the first objective is completed, let's see the next one" :) I mean, you want to be a woman, but what kind? It's okay going for the housewife thing - that's what most girls do. If you want to be a carreer woman, that's alright as well. Or doing humanitarian work, if that's your cup of tea. But, to every one it's own kind. Different types rarely mix well :)
Anyway, yes, I guess we're a lot behind but that only means there are more exciting things waiting for us on the road :)
g
Most people will never understand -however emphatic they might be- that how can one person's only one life goal be is to belong to the other sex. It seems so selfish for them - and I sometimes feel the same about myself. Why I'm so incapable of doing something else instead, something more important, not for myself but for humanity? We are selfish, yes, but we're not to blame for it. And I think we need secondary goals as well: "okay, now the first objective is completed, let's see the next one" :) I mean, you want to be a woman, but what kind? It's okay going for the housewife thing - that's what most girls do. If you want to be a carreer woman, that's alright as well. Or doing humanitarian work, if that's your cup of tea. But, to every one it's own kind. Different types rarely mix well :)
Anyway, yes, I guess we're a lot behind but that only means there are more exciting things waiting for us on the road :)
g