Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Had the most serious talk with my wife so far this evening.  I basically said that everything I've been doing for the past four months has been for the purpose of gathering information and aligning with resources - the support group, therapist, friends, etc., and that all of the experiences I've had (cross-dressing, exploring my self with the therapist, etc.) has only tended to confirm what I already knew, and that the therapist is pretty convinced that when I have my assessment, the diagnosis will be pretty clear.  I didn't have to say I would transition, she could infer it from what I was saying and how I was saying it.  And she is very upset, and very angry.  She kept repeating "I have nothing now.  Our entire marriage was bull->-bleeped-<-.  I'll be alone.  I'll have no-one.  It's not even a divorce situation."  And I said that if we did divorce, then it would be, and she said no, she doesn't want a divorce ("That's just not gonna happen.")  Basically she's sort of in shock and anger at the same time, and of course she hasn't had time to figure out how she feels or what her options are.  She is NOT supportive - not at all.  But she doesn't see any value in her seeing a counselor or therapist to help her sort out her own feelings - she just doesn't see how that could "make anything better."  Basically, in her view, I'm throwing away everything we've worked our whole lives for.  And she is bitter about it.

But for now, I'm not moving out, she's not throwing me out, and I assume (for now) she'll want us to keep up appearances for the kids.  But I also think (and I'm going to reconfirm with my therapist tomorrow) that at this point, I SHOULD tell the kids, so they can know what the undercurrents are all about - they're GOING to notice things, how can they not.  And they can support their mother.  I would love to have their support, but I think I can hardly hope for that.

So my situation will now probably start going to hell in a handbasket, slowly but surely...

I have no point of referance so I can only offer a hug and my sympathy.
**hugz

Colleen, even though there are no children in my situation, I know exactly what it's like to have an angry, bitter and unsupportive SO. My SO continued to live with me for 8 months after the fact too. That was sometimes complete hell. I also sometimes fear of what my ex-SO might do to me. However, it does get better- it really does.

It's always really tough when we have a spouse or longtime SO. They go through alot too, even if they are supportive. I envy the people who don't have to deal with that, but it is what it is. No matter what happens remember to stay true to yourself. If it doesn't work out remember that you both did have good times together and I'm sure you gave her much happiness. Things change and people change though (especially us :D). Some things don't last forever. This I had to realize.

I hope your children are understanding. If not I hope you do have supportive people in your life. Aside from my SO everyone else seems supportive. I hope it stays that way. The road we take is difficult, harder for some than others, but keep sight of your goals and the woman you really are.

I put off transition or even changing anything because of fear of what others would think and do. It killed me inside- to the point I felt like I was no longer living life. I've lived my whole life for others, now it's time for me to live for myself. I'll help those around me understand the best I can, but you can help someone only as much as they'll accept it. Keep trying, but if you should reach a point where you know it's pointless then you can say at least you tried.

Sorry to hear that Colleen.  My ex and I went through a period where we cohabited, but it was really rough.  We were in two separate parts for the house and she would never even talked to me.

Children only care that they are loved and cared for.  It does not matter how you look or act it is only that you love them.  You and your wife, if you stay together, need to make sure they know that no matter what happens between Mom and Dad, that they are safe.

Good Luck Sis.

I'm sorry Colleen, but I guess you kinda knew this was coming. Chin up, try to stay positive and hugs. Try to remember that you WILL be happier at the end of this. You life is NOT going to hell in a hand basket. Your life is just starting. It will be rough. Very rough even. My wife and I had a hard time and she accepted me right away and supports me. However, we have finally arrived at a place where we are looking forward to our future and starting to see the happiness that is possible for our life. Even though she won't go, your wife desperately needs to go to a therapist. It concerns me that she immediately took divorce off the table. I think she has a deep fear that she can't make it without you in life. Maybe once you tell your children, all of you can help to convince her to see someone. Is there someone in her life that she listens to that you might be able to recruit to your cause?

Remember, your Susan's family is rooting for you and we care and understand. I care and understand and am in a similar situation with a long standing marriage and a son. You have to be strong for what is coming, because I won't lie, it is going to suck hard for awhile. You WILL pull through and things WILL get better. Have faith and heart. I believe in you.

like lots of other MtFs I've beeen there, seen it and done it.  But you never know how things will work out so basically its one day at a time.
Next time round we need to be born as girls then if we turn out to be TS we will transition young and single.

Thanks, everyone.  Of course, what I posted wasn't the whole story about last evening.  First, to avoid any confusion, note that my three "kids" are 19, 24 and 27.  So the convo last night ended when the oldest two came home from work (they all still live at home, and the youngest had to work last night).  My wife quickly went into the washroom to compose herself, then afterward she went out and got pizza for supper, and the four of us spent a rather normal suppertime.  After doing the dishes, the rest of the evening was also pretty normal, including my wife and I sitting on the couch watching TV with a couple of the kids, and she was even sitting right next to me, not apart from me. 

As we were going to bed, we kissed each other, hugged, and said "I Love You" to each other (I started), and then as usual, I rolled over facing away from her and tried to go to sleep.  But within a very few minutes, I was thinking about everything that had happened, and everything that had been said, and the sadness of possibly losing her, and I started crying.  I tried to cry silently at first, but very shortly I was sobbing, and shaking the bed a bit.  Then, she moved over close to me, put her arm around me, and comforted me.  That's when the dam burst and I sobbed uncontrollably for a long time.  And she was consoling me the whole time.  Afterwards, we lay in each others' arms for a while, just being together and caressing each other.  So that was a rather unexpected ending to a very strange day...

Colleen.

However negative your wife may be, there seems to be a lot to work on there. I know many others have had negative experiences, but your relationship could still work.

For both your sakes.

Hello Colleen,
As someone in a relationship too, I know you're going through some very difficult times, and the seas may stay rough for quiet some time. Give her some time to get over the initial shock and always keep talking. Maybe talk to the kids when emotions have settled down a bit. Try to stay positive, you'll arrive where you need to be!
Good luck,
Marleen

From what I gather it 'seems' that she understands that your transition is going to happen and the fact she said divorce isn't an option and didn't threaten you with divorce if you continue with transition makes me think she at least accepts it on some level. At least this is what I think.

obviously she still loves you

Quote from: cynthialee on October 19, 2010, 08:57:04 AM
obviously she still loves you

Yes, she does, and I love her dearly.  I just hope that will help and not just make everything more painful.  I had a therapy session today, and the therapist said that the connection we have may not change the outcome (of our relationship), but it will make it more meaningful, and that's a big thing.  There are more difficult conversations yet to come - I will need to start laser beard removal soon, and I will want to epilate my arms and legs (and bum!), and shave my armpits.  All of these things will once again smack her in the face.  And there's not a lot I can do, other than to go gently, and demonstrate my empathy for her as I do.  And keep the lines of communication open, if I can.  I just hope it's enough.  Thanks, everyone for your support.

Love is what keeps my home together. I cannot do everything I want to do but she is aware that I need to do certain things to be happy and for now she can tolerate me. Conversely, for now I can tolerate her wishes and needs and will show her that I love her just as I always have.
Bye for now,
Randi

Well, I just told my 24-yo son.  He was very loving and supportive.  His only question was, "What does this mean for you and Mom?"  I didn't sugar-coat it or make any promises.  I said it's too early to know, but that obviously Mom married a man, and she's having a lot of difficulty with this concept, and will need all the love and support they can give her.  He said "Don't worry, Dad, no matter what you look like, nothing could cause me not to love you.  You'll always be my father."  And he hugged me when I cried, and comforted me.  I assured him that anytime he has any questions, on ANY topic, or anything he wants to talk about, I will give him answers that are completely honest.  He was very appreciative, and said he had great respect for me that I was able to tell him something like this, and that it showed great respect on my part for him.  And he completely agreed to keep things under his hat until I have a chance to talk with my daughter (27) and his younger brother (19), and reassured me that they will also be supportive.  I am SO blessed to have such wonderful kids!  I do realize there will be difficulties ahead, but I also think if we can face up to them as a family, we will be stronger for it. 

Collen;
That is awesome news!
I am so happy for you!

That's wonderful news about your son! :D I knew you were worried about it. For me the whole transitioning thing has actually brought me closer to other family members as well. I truly think that if people journey with you through transition it can make the relationships and family stronger.

Quote from: Radar on October 24, 2010, 07:10:06 PMI truly think that if people journey with you through transition it can make the relationships and family stronger.

Thanks, Cynthia and Radar.  I do think that without transition, I would never be able to have a truly intimate relationship with anyone, because there'd always be that secret.  I was even keeping it from myself.  Even now, things are already so much more open for me - I am really, really hopeful about the future...

Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 24, 2010, 07:55:47 PM
Thanks, Cynthia and Radar.  I do think that without transition, I would never be able to have a truly intimate relationship with anyone, because there'd always be that secret.  I was even keeping it from myself.  Even now, things are already so much more open for me - I am really, really hopeful about the future...

I think you are absolutely right about that. I have become so much closer to my sisters, family members and friends because of this. I even feel this stretches into the spiritual. That is great news about your son! I am so happy for you that it went well. I was hoping that it might. I also hope the rest are as supportive as your son suggests as it could be a great help with your wife. Good luck as you prepare to break the news to the others.

Your son's reaction is really wonderful, two more to go; you'll be just fine ;-)

Thank you, Melody.  And I haven't forgotten about your offer, it's just not time yet to broach that topic.  Soon, perhaps.  This week I'm gonna concentrate on talking to my other two kids, and since the first went so well, I think I can be a lot less afraid, but I'm still going to approach the task with great care and empathy.  Once I'm out in the open, I'm hoping my wife will also feel a great weight lifted, and maybe she'll be better able to move forward in her own journey.  At the very least, she'll be able to grieve in her own way in her own time, instead of having to keep up a front for the kids.  I'll keep y'all posted...

Okay, I came out to my 27-yo daughter tonight, so now I'm out to everyone but my youngest son (19), and I'm waiting until the weekend for him because he has 3 mid-term exams to write between Thursday and Saturday - I do NOT want to distract him.  But my daughter also reacted with love and empathy.  Seems she took a course in trans issues when she was in university a few years ago, so she's already somewhat aware of what it's all about.  SHE expressed sorrow on MY behalf for my having had to live with this all my life (so far).  She cried some over that, and also over the sadness of the fact that my wife and I may not be able to stay married.  My daughter is ASSUMING I will transition. 

I am SO blessed - my kids are wonderful.  Here I was expecting hurt, anger and rejection, and I get love and affirmation and empathy.  And sympathy.  Did I mention love?  I am on cloud nine.  There's lots of difficulty ahead, of course, but now I know I won't go there alone.

That is GREAT news Colleen. Perhaps she will be able to help your wife understand.

The most surprising thing I found about coming out to friends and family is how deeply they were affected emotionally. Many of them found that they couldn't think of anything else for days. Many of them also reacted in the same way as your daughter; with sorrow that I had to live with this pain for so long.

Again, great news and hopefully it will go as well with your younger son.

I also had expected the worst from my family but got the best. (unlike you though, I had no kids to come out too)
I am so happy for you, and to have an informed daughter!? Coolness.
It will make your transition much easier with your family behind you.

Quote from: cynthialee on October 26, 2010, 10:22:13 PM
I also had expected the worst from my family but got the best. (unlike you though, I had no kids to come out too)
I am so happy for you, and to have an informed daughter!? Coolness.
It will make your transition much easier with your family behind you.

I agree. I wish I had a grown daughter to help sort me out. My wife is supportive, but she finds it quite hard to help in a process that is taking her husband away.

Quote from: Melody on October 26, 2010, 09:58:54 PM
That is GREAT news Colleen. Perhaps she will be able to help your wife understand.

The most surprising thing I found about coming out to friends and family is how deeply they were affected emotionally. Many of them found that they couldn't think of anything else for days. Many of them also reacted in the same way as your daughter; with sorrow that I had to live with this pain for so long.

Again, great news and hopefully it will go as well with your younger son.

Collen,
Mainly great news so far. I think your daughter will help your wife. Melody I found your comment very true,I have experienced this often.  When particular occasion I had come out to one of my female senior people, the next person below me in the chain. She was very understanding and loved my picture. We were talking in the lunch room one day and there was a newspaper article about a teen transistioning and the legalities. Another person in the room who doesn't know about started saying he thought it was all bull and people should accept who they are (ironic I know). My colleague went after him like a blow torch to butter, really took him to pieces about what an ignorant and unfeeling idiot he was. She never referred to me, but this guy left very humiliated.

A good day :laugh: :laugh:

Hang in there Colleen and Melody.
It does get easier with time.

Cindy

Quote from: Melody on October 26, 2010, 09:58:54 PMThe most surprising thing I found about coming out to friends and family is how deeply they were affected emotionally. Many of them found that they couldn't think of anything else for days.

Thanks girls!  Melody - yes, my older son took the day off yesterday, feigning illness.  I knew he wasn't ill.  That was the story he told my wife.  It was because of dealing with my issue.  I texted him in the morning that if he needed to talk to someone, he should call my best friend, who's gay (not that that has anything to do with anything) - he was the first one I came out to, and he's known the kids all their lives.  Anyway, my son had taken the initiative already and called him, and set up a phone chat for later in the day.  I checked up on him at lunchtime, and he was fine, he just needed some time to process.  I really do hope my daughter will help with my wife, but of course that's a very different and difficult relationship (the marriage), and it will be hard for my wife to come to grips with losing her husband to a woman.  Not even aNOTHER woman, but the woman inside!

Anyway, I am ever so much more hopeful now.  For the first time in months, I'm not living with a cloud over my head, expecting impending disaster.  Life is good!  :laugh:

 Colleen,

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling so good !!. It's wonderful your children are taking the news so well and are giving you the love and compassion you deserve. I was amazed also at the supportive reactions I received from the people I have come out to.

   I feel so privileged to be amongst your supporters hear on Susan's . It's like we are all peeking in the nest to watch the eggs hatch. All the time worried, Will they make it ? Are they going to be healthy? What will they look like? Waiting til it's finally time and we can hold that little chick in our hands. And I know someday I will get a little annoyed because that chicken keeps Sh__ing on the lawn. :laugh:(just kidding) But I will think back of the time we saw that beautiful little chick emerge from it's shell and start it's wonderful new life. 

   . It sounds like you have a very close and loving family. I appreciate that as I have the same.  I know that for a wife, loosing a husband and having him replaced by a wife. Is no easy matter. I will in no way suggest otherwise. But over the years hear are some things I have heard  my wife say to me, and never say.

    Sometimes she says,"Why don't you come shopping with me? I think you'll have fun...... Oh please..."

  I never hear her say, " why don't you wear sweats , drink beer and lay on the couch and watch TV all day". :laugh:

    Sometimes she says,"Why don't we give each other a manicure? I think you will like it.....we can paint your nails clear, so no one will know."

I never hear her say, " Let go out to the garage , with some beer, lift the hood of the car and shoot the sh_t while we pretend we are working ." :laugh:

   Sometimes she says,"Lets go somewhere, Lets take ourselves to a nice restaurant, and we can get dressed up real fancy."

   I never hear hear say " Lets go someplace where they have curbside service , we can eat in the car, it will be just like going out". :laugh:

     Sometimes she says, " I wish you could be more sensitive to my feelings and you understood me better".

   I never hear her say, " I love that cute blank expression on you face when I am trying to tell you something I feel is very important, it's so adorable when I know your thinking," When can I go and what do I have to say to get her to stop talking". :laugh:

   Really I know that the wives are literally getting the carpet pulled out from under them. It's good to hear you feel like you are on "cloud nine" I just am trying to add to your happiness by making you laugh a little bit. :laugh:

  Hugs, Erocse

   

Quote from: erocse on October 27, 2010, 08:02:15 AMI just am trying to add to your happiness by making you laugh a little bit. :laugh:

You succeeded, Erocse, thank you!  It's good to laugh at ourselves.  It's healthy.  A couple of weeks ago, there was an article in our local paper, with the headline "Coming Out is a Healthy Decision", and I've really come to realize the wisdom of that.  Of course, there is still a long way to go, this is a very long and arduous journey.  Only the very strongest will make it.  I feel strong.  I must be, to have done so much so far in so little time.  Tonight was my Gender Journeys night - it's a weekly workshop in a nearby city.  I have to take a train there and back, it's about an hour's ride.  My wife picks me up at the train.  Tonight when she picked me up, she was showing the strain.  I do hope the kids will help her see the good side of this situation, or at least encourage her to get the help she so desperately needs.  It really breaks my heart to see her so down. 

I told my youngest son this afternoon, so now they all know. He was just as loving and supportive as the other two, although at first he wasn't sure what I was talking about, because he admitted he didn't really know what the word "transgendered" meant, so I had to give him the broad strokes. He said he had great respect for me for telling him, and realized how hard it must have been for me to do so. Interestingly, last evening, there was a spot on the news about a campaign called "It Gets Better", which is aimed at LGBT youth, and he was helping to raise money for it. In our conversation this afternoon, we both mentioned the irony of that. He asked me a couple of questions (like does it mean I'm attracted to men), and in the end he hugged me and told me that this changes nothing about how he feels about me.

So that feels really, REALLY good. Tomorrow afternoon I'll let the wife know that the kids know, and I'm hoping we can have a family discussion tomorrow night after the trick-or-treaters are gone (no, the timing of this is not lost on me, lol...). And we move forward. Not sure just how, but forward it shall be.

Whoo Hooooo! :) That is a great story! Thanks for sharing it. We are all cheering you on.  Mrs  Erocse and I have our Pom Poms out and cheerleading skirts on. Our legs are kicked way above our head.
Yeah Yeah Sis Boom BAH!!! Ooops I think our panties are showing. He he he.  :o

   Hugs, Erocse

Colleen, it is great to hear that your imitate family now knows.  And I am sure that they will be talking to each other, and they might even let Mom know they know.

I wish you luck with your family discussion on Halloween.  And I do hope that things can move forward and that the family will stay together.

Colleen, this is great news! I am sure this is a great relief and I am so happy that you have taken another step forward.

Thanks, ladies.  Erocse, what a picture!  You make me smile from ear to ear!  Yes, it feels great.  But, as my best friend just said by email:  Now the work begins.  A new phase of life for our family, and the going won't always be smooth.  But it is very good to know what a close, loving family we are.  There's a part of me that thinks that perhaps one of the reasons for me to have come through this in my life (the GID, marrying and having a family, etc.... coming to THIS point in time) is for the purpose of teaching me what love really is.  That thought makes me want to cry with joy.  Since starting this journey, I have come to know such love, support, understanding... such as I never would have dreamed.  I can't even count my blessings... they're too numerous.  As difficult as the road ahead will be, I know now that I can make it, because I am surrounded by love.

 ;D