Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: Alexmakenoise on October 20, 2010, 12:12:54 AM Return to Full Version
Title: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 20, 2010, 12:12:54 AM
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 20, 2010, 12:12:54 AM
So I suspect that my partner may be some variety of genderqueer, and I want him (he identifies as male) to feel comfortable being himself, but I don't know what to say or do. He seems to drop hints when I'm least expecting it, and I don't always react the way I want to when I'm caught off guard. For instance, one morning, he said kind of randomly, "I want to get a dress to wear around the house. I used to wear dresses at home when I was younger. They're comfortable." Because I wasn't expecting it, I just said, "Uh, OK," and went back to watching TV and drinking coffee. He's shy and very sensitive in that feminine sort of way that I find intriguing and impossible to understand. In that instance, I bet he thought my tone of voice indicated disapproval. I know that if I brought it up, he'd just find an excuse not to talk about it and then get depressed and withdrawn for a few days. He might be offended. I need to indirectly give him the message that if he wants to cross dress or whatever, it's OK by me and won't cause me to think any differently of him. (In fact, I would probably enjoy it.) How can I do that?
Also, here are some of the things that make me think he might be a cross dresser or mtf or something. Let me know if you think I might be onto something or just reading too much into things. (Maybe I secretly want him to be genderqueer because I am, myself.) Starting with the first things I noticed:
When he gets drunk and we're at home together, he puts on a skirt and then acts more feminine.
There are some female clothes that he says he really likes, but it doesn't seem to be about seeing these things worn by women - it's more that he appreciates having them around (maybe so he can wear them when he's alone?)
He's tall, and sometimes he asks me, in a serious tone, if I think tall women can be attractive.
He considers himself "one of the girls" and says things like, "I like being around lesbians because, well, I am one . . . "
Sometimes he just acts very feminine. Then he seems to get embarrassed about it and make a point of acting masculine.
At home, he prefers to wear a towel shaped into a skirt, and act feminine, and he says he'd prefer to wear a dress.
When I came out to him, he didn't act as though it was a big deal at all, and has been gently supportive as though he understands where I'm coming from.
I hope it doesn't sound judgmental to list things like that. It just feels good to write everything down and see what other people might think of it. I guess maybe the answer is to take a cue from him and support him in the same ways he's supporting me?
Also, here are some of the things that make me think he might be a cross dresser or mtf or something. Let me know if you think I might be onto something or just reading too much into things. (Maybe I secretly want him to be genderqueer because I am, myself.) Starting with the first things I noticed:
When he gets drunk and we're at home together, he puts on a skirt and then acts more feminine.
There are some female clothes that he says he really likes, but it doesn't seem to be about seeing these things worn by women - it's more that he appreciates having them around (maybe so he can wear them when he's alone?)
He's tall, and sometimes he asks me, in a serious tone, if I think tall women can be attractive.
He considers himself "one of the girls" and says things like, "I like being around lesbians because, well, I am one . . . "
Sometimes he just acts very feminine. Then he seems to get embarrassed about it and make a point of acting masculine.
At home, he prefers to wear a towel shaped into a skirt, and act feminine, and he says he'd prefer to wear a dress.
When I came out to him, he didn't act as though it was a big deal at all, and has been gently supportive as though he understands where I'm coming from.
I hope it doesn't sound judgmental to list things like that. It just feels good to write everything down and see what other people might think of it. I guess maybe the answer is to take a cue from him and support him in the same ways he's supporting me?
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: justmeinoz on October 20, 2010, 07:46:31 AM
Post by: justmeinoz on October 20, 2010, 07:46:31 AM
Have you thought about buying him something for birthday or Christmas, and see his response?
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 20, 2010, 05:42:01 PM
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 20, 2010, 05:42:01 PM
No, I hadn't thought of that, but yeah, maybe I should try something like that . . . He gets depressed if I spend money on him, but I could help him obtain some article of feminine clothing that he's told me he wants. That would be a good way to show that I'm supportive.
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: kyril on October 20, 2010, 05:48:01 PM
Post by: kyril on October 20, 2010, 05:48:01 PM
Maybe go shopping (or window-shopping, if buying things is an issue) with him, and gently encourage him to try things on you think he'd like, or point out things you think would look nice on him.
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: cynthialee on October 21, 2010, 07:14:07 PM
Post by: cynthialee on October 21, 2010, 07:14:07 PM
He sounds alot like me a long time ago.........
Buy him (her?) a dress.
Buy him (her?) a dress.
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: rite_of_inversion on October 21, 2010, 10:24:25 PM
Post by: rite_of_inversion on October 21, 2010, 10:24:25 PM
Maybe if it was a thriftstore or garage sale your spouse would feel less guilty?
For some reason I'm minded of the L'oreal slogan "Because I'm worth it."
He's worth it...although convincing (she, they)him of that...I know... ::)
For some reason I'm minded of the L'oreal slogan "Because I'm worth it."
He's worth it...although convincing (she, they)him of that...I know... ::)
Title: Re: I think my partner may be genderqueer and I want to be supportive.
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 21, 2010, 11:55:08 PM
Post by: Alexmakenoise on October 21, 2010, 11:55:08 PM
Yeah, I just need to be a bit more forward. "Oh, you like fishnets? I have some in your size." "You want a certain kind of dress? Let's order one online." and "Yes! Of course tall women are beautiful!"
Ha, I'm such a typical guy in that I can be slow to pick up on things that my partner suggests s/he wants or needs unless it's stated directly on a regular basis. And slower to react when I do pick up on things. I tend to operate at the, "I know you like to paint and play guitar and drink beer," sort of level. :D Whereas my partner does a lot of that womanly hint-dropping (for lack of a better term).
Ha, I'm such a typical guy in that I can be slow to pick up on things that my partner suggests s/he wants or needs unless it's stated directly on a regular basis. And slower to react when I do pick up on things. I tend to operate at the, "I know you like to paint and play guitar and drink beer," sort of level. :D Whereas my partner does a lot of that womanly hint-dropping (for lack of a better term).